I heard Peter ask my name, that’s when I managed to get up and out of the shower. I told him that I was okay and would need to get dressed. He didn’t answer, but waited. I didn’t even intend to say that with a hidden agenda, but of course I guess he must have thought about me being naked and wet when I answered him. And I knew I was right the moment I stepped outside, because he avoided looking at me, and his smile was awkward.
So, of course I had been thinking about visiting Jay, but I was so worn out that I couldn’t even do my usual Yoga. So I went straight to bed.
Something happened. The midnight round.
The door was opened and someone checked on me, and I expected the one – whoever it was – to leave and... he didn’t. That was when I instantly knew it was Peter, who sneaked into my room, closing the door behind him inaudibly.
“How are you?” he asked me and I was shocked, scared even, just for a moment.
This was Peter, who had never forced himself on me, whose only fault had been that White had been watching, anticipating. He is one of them, yes, but as far as I can tell, he’s still rather good. Apart from that, I had encouraged him; I just hadn’t expected that it would work so well and so fast.
Quickly I sat up, pulled the blanket against my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs.
“What are you doing?” was the only thing I was able to bring out, using the trembling of discomfort in my voice to make it sound like I was worried.
I was, just about something else. Despite me telling myself over and over again that he was as good as one of them could be.
“These cameras don’t have night vision”, Peter gave back and added: “I checked.”
Yes, they don’t have night vision. These cameras can’t see when I’m going to visit Jay, and still I can’t trust that this is the truth. For all I know White can deceive pretty much everyone and Peter is just another one of his pawns. Apart from that Peter was still there, in my room, with a closed door.
My heart started hammering and I questioned my judgment concerning him. He just stood there, a silhouette in the darkness, unmoving, staring in my direction. It never was entirely dark in this room, because they couldn’t shut the dim light off from the corridors that usually went on when someone passed them by, still... I knew I had to say something, so that this situation didn’t go downhill.
“You cannot get out!” I shrieked whisperingly, pointing at the door, knowing exactly that he had a wristband to use, but I couldn’t find anything else to say, even though it made me feel so embarrassingly stupid.
“The scanner works from the outside and inside alike. There’s no need for someone to stand outside and wait for me”, he answered and I knew he wasn’t thinking I was stupid, he gave me more credit than I deserved that moment.
It took him just a few steps to get to my bed and I was paralyzed. I had no idea what he was going to do, until he did it. He grabbed my face and kissed me, like WE had been waiting for this like forever. I was too stunned to even react or act for that matter.
“I thought after what happened, you wouldn’t... care for me anymore”, he said, still holding my head and looking at me. “I’m sorry... I should have been more careful. But now I’m prepared, you see?” he smiled insecure and I don’t know how I did it but I smiled back and nodded.
Peter kissed me again. I didn’t know what else to do but allow it and reply to him, even as he pushed me slowly onto my back.
My heart and head were panicking.
This was the way I had chosen: deception and lies, selling myself for an almost unreachable goal without any guarantee of success.
I felt helpless, not knowing what else to do than to imagine that it was Jay. Yet, pretending that Peter was Jay was a huge mistake, such a huge mistake, because I must have kissed him in a way that encouraged him way more than I had anticipated.
His hands moved down my neck to my breasts and I pulled away, gasping for air, turning my head and the illusion shattered into piercing splinters. Peter didn’t stop, but brought his hands to the rim of my shirt and my cursed body responded, because it needed exactly what his hands were promising.
But I knew, I knew this wasn’t Jay and I knew this wasn’t right, and I knew I still had to go with it somehow, someway.
“Stop”, I exhaled painfully, “please”, and then it hit me, and I let those three days crash down on me.
“I... I’m sorry...”, I started sobbing.
It was so easy, because the situation got the better of me. This wasn’t me, this is not me, and I hated everything about this, about me, at that very moment.
“I’m sorry”, he instantly backed off, stammering.
I even made him flinch as I tensed, because of him, trying to comfort me. “I... I’m sorry”, he repeated me.
“I...” I brought out and tried to find something to say, something that would make sense without being a lie.
“You need time.” Peter was quicker to continue. “I’m such an idiot, I’m sorry, this whole situation, I’m so stupid”; and he got up and left.
My mind was blank for what felt like... the length of a school documentary. Drip per drip what happened sunk into my brain. Inevitably, I was stumbling half blind into a narrow one-way-street. I had Peter where I wanted him, in a way I wasn’t sure I really could control.
I am playing with fire in a room full of explosives, but I’m not the only one who will go down if I burn myself and drop the flame. Jay is with me there and he has no idea what the hell I have started.
And then, when my eyes started to burn from weariness, I had an idea. I never thought that I could think so mischievously.
Day 81
How am I able to sleep? How? ... With all this happening now? With me turning into this person I don’t recognize. This reflection that looks at me through the mirror seems too familiar and still I wouldn’t say that she’s me.
My puzzlement about my capability to sleep was exactly what gave me this amazing idea. ... Amazing, and yet cruel. The latter... I just consider it payback.
I never thought that I’d be that calculating.
The easiest part was being weak. Because that’s just what they want me to be: a scared, crying, weak girl. So not keeping it together, being a good thing can be quite... relaxing. I was a total mess this morning. After the workout from yesterday and Peter’s intrusion I didn’t even have to act worn out. I was. But it was mostly because I had faked sleeping until after the second check-up, because I expected Peter to show up again and I wanted to be prepared. However, it wasn’t him.
Peter brought me Breakfast earlier and saw how awful I looked, instantly switching into ‘pretending-to-care’ mode. Maybe he really does, maybe it’s just a fake, or maybe he’s secretly the boss here. Maybe I’m finally starting to become paranoid, not that this is a bad thing here, right?
Somehow it’s keeping me safer.
I know that the only one I can trust here is Jay, can’t I? I mean, he’s more than just a prisoner like me, he’s a test subject. And I know he cares about me, I can feel that.
Yes, I know, I want him to care. But White – I mean Severin – he couldn’t have known that I was eavesdropping, and he said that he thinks that Jay is more than just attached to me. He said that.
This can’t all be a fake.
And there’s another reason why I know that it’s not: because otherwise it means this all would be about me. And it’s never about me.
However, I asked him if it was possible for me to get something that I would be able to sleep, something solely for falling asleep, because I would be afraid that I wouldn’t wake up easily. Peter said he would see what he could do. He doesn’t know that I’m not intending to use it myself. Why am I grinning as I write this?
“Do you want to skip training and try to sleep?” he asked me and he was so nice, speaking softly, smiling slightly but worried.
I almost feel bad for using him. Still, I can’t believe that he really cares about me. Somehow I think th
at’s what White wants him to do, so that I stop caring about Jay that much, and start to care for a human being.
The irony is: Jay probably is more human or humane than any of them. Because the scariest monster down here is definitely White and he has infected me with his poison.
Still, I keep wondering if this is really his intention, to get me to care less about Jay. I don’t really understand why he would want that? Not that Severin is that kind of man one does easily understand, or understand at all. Does he want me to be scared?
It’s the only thing I can really think of.
That he’s trying to keep me away from Jay until I started to fall for someone else. So that he will scare the Hell out of me just like in the beginning. Does he know so little about human connection?
However, I skipped it: training. I’m still sore because of yesterday and now I’m trying to sleep again.
White, fucking White came to visit me when I was just about to fall asleep. Can you imagine that he seemed to be worried? He? The sadist dungeon keeper of Mount Doom? Well, he was and he brought me something that would help me sleep. It comes along in little bags that look like sugar – which can’t be more perfect.
Still, I don’t know or understand what’s happening right now. And he apologized for being so hard on me, told me that I would have to understand that he cannot tolerate my behavior towards him. I played the little ashamed girl he wants me to be. I can’t look him in the face anyhow or I’d try to scratch his eyes out. I hate him. I never hated anyone so much in my life. I think, I never really knew what hate was like until I met this offense against humanity. And I had to let him touch me. Because he had to comfort me and I had to make him believe that it worked. Maybe I should become an actress when I get out of here because I seemed to achieve that.
Sugar bags. Let’s hope it’s not just sugar, or even worse: a placebo.
However, he told me that I should take them just a few minutes before going to sleep, which was why he brought me tea, so I could make myself some, though I would have to take the water from the tap. I don’t care that the tea won’t taste good, that stuff has to work. We’ll see.
Day 82
I’m sitting at breakfast and I never felt that badass in my life before. I can’t believe I managed to do that and I don’t really dare to be happy about it either because I really don’t know if they will catch me. I don’t want to count my chickens before they’ve hatched. So I write this down now, because I don’t want them to notice. I know they watch me somehow as long as the lights are on.
This all happened yesterday, I was too nervous to write.
I really didn’t expect that it would be so easy. I mean, I tested White’s ‘sugar’ on myself last night and it worked. I really dozed off quickly and slept right through the night and I didn’t even feel worn out, so I knew it would work, at least for me. I knew I wasn’t going to see him – Jay, and maybe I won’t today. Tonight, I am sure of it, but it’s about yesterday now. Still can’t believe that it worked, still afraid that they will storm in and punish me. Even more now, I will have to restrain myself. I know I have to be reasonable. Constant dripping wears away the stone.
After breakfast, Peter brought me to the gym again. I acted shyer than the day before, but looked at him briefly. Apparently this worked and he thought that I was conflicted about him overreacting and hence my change of behavior. So it was him, who asked me this time: “Do you want me to stay for Dinner?”
I created a tormenting pause before I spoke and looked up to him by almost only moving my eyes: “Dinner?”
“There’s no one there later.”
His reply was cryptic, but I figured that White, I mean Severin – why do I keep correcting myself? – Wouldn’t be there tonight.
On one hand, this was perfect, on the other this meant: no Jay – and that’s why I believe that I’m going to see him today – Day 83, even though it’s not a straight day. And I still am worried sick and that was what I showed just then, to Peter, yesterday.
“I don’t have to...” he quickly added, interpreting my second pause just the way I had expected him to.
And I let him leave like that, because... well because I asked him when he brought my dinner, if he would stay.
“And maybe even a little bit longer, until I fall asleep, and maybe hold me”, I added, pretending to ask my Dad if I could get another bowl of ice cream. “It will be quick; you won’t get in any trouble. I’ll make myself tea that will help me sleep.”
Yes, exactly: I offered him some as well, which I could because White always makes sure my stuff comes in twos – probably because he intends to drink a tea with me as well some time – and Peter said ‘yes’ and I mixed that sleeping powder into his tea.
I did that. I really, really did that. I know it was a risk, but I needed to try and I did. This was one of those situations during Thrillers when I always shook my head and said: “That’s far too easy.”
And yes, it felt exactly like that: far too easy.
I have never done anything in my life without being absolutely sure that I would be safe. I still can’t believe I did this, I never expected that of myself and that is maybe why they won’t suspect me either.
I know the checkup times, and I knew they would come at midnight and at three. As always I knew that the day before Peter had been my 12 am check-up so I guessed that it would be his again, especially since he had told me before that no one else would be there. I freaking guessed! Because, even though Peter said something like that, one can never be sure down here.
So, after Dinner, I told Peter that I would get ready to get to bed, which basically means that I get rid of my bra and panties. With him being my ‘guest’ I did that in my bathroom. And I took quite some time, washed my face – which I never did that copiously – brushed my teeth and breathed in and out several times. Just to torture him, just to let him imagine that I would get in and out of my clothes. I’m such a witch. And retrospectively I probably did trust him that he wouldn’t get in the bathroom with me and... well... you know what.
After I stepped out, I quickly crawled under my sheets, not looking at him, which wasn’t an act. I simply couldn’t, without beating myself up over Jay. Peter stayed seated, watching me and eventually started to talk, about what I can’t recall anymore exactly. I mean, he had told me that he would wait for the lights to go out, because they wouldn’t see him get on my bed and put his arm around me. He already looked tired before nighttime lighting kicked in.
When it did, I waited.
As nothing happened for a brief moment I hoped and was scared that he already had fallen asleep on the chair.
On one hand, I would have preferred that, because the thought made me feel less exploiting, but then again Peter would probably be much more suspicious about him falling asleep in the first place. So I asked him if it was really okay if he stayed here and Peter assured me that no one would know. His voice already sounded drowsy. Then, finally, I heard him move, and his steps were a bit heavier than I was used to.
“I guess”, he murmured, “The last days have taken their toll on me as well.”
These words made me suspicious, because they told me that he had been doing something else than just watching over me.
I had barely noticed how my mattress moved as he sat down and lay down next to me, until he wrapped his arm around my waist, keeping a decent distance between us.
“Did you know about my punishment?” I asked him, knowing that I would keep him awake with that, risking that the powder would wear off, still...
“No, I didn’t,” he answered lowly, and I could imagine how his eyes became heavy, even though I was faced to the wall, with him behind me.
“If I had”, those three words felt like a punch in my stomach. “I would have tried everything to stop it. I would have begged Clay to do something.”
“Who’s Clay?” and flinched as the question tumbled out of my mouth, but it had already been too late and Peter tensed behind
me, telling me through this reaction that he had spilled something that he shouldn’t have.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to...” I managed to bring out quickly, but he placed his forehead against my shoulder, and I could feel his breath through my shirt, grazing down my spine warmly, as he broke in on me.
“It’s okay, I’m just...”
I knew he was about to say that he was tired and then he would realize that he shouldn’t be, so I quickly – without thinking, without actually intending something worse than just to distract him – I took his hand that rested on my stomach and brought it up to my chest.
“I would have done everything to stop it”, he scooted closer and now my heart was struck by a punch.
He meant it, truly, honestly. I could hear the pain and self-reproach in his voice, sense him trebling behind me, and I felt so bad, so exploiting, so much like Severin, that I was incapable to swallow down the lump in my throat. And I was unable to say anything else.
It didn’t take that long until his breathing turned deep and even after I had stopped talking. Apparently he didn’t have anything to add either. And I knew that I had always been right watching those TV shows and movies.
It had always been too easy. Most of them don’t show the deep guilt and self-loathing one definitely has for their ruthless behavior.
But then... I did it. I got out of my bed, even though my legs felt like lead, and stole his wristband. My heart was beating so loud that I thought I was able to hear its echo, and that Peter would wake up.
He didn’t, and I caught myself staring at his face as he was deep asleep and still all I saw was silent reproach and a broken heart.
The Beast And Me Page 19
