“Mom, I can’t stay long. I just wanted to make sure you know how much I miss you.”
My mom gave me one of those “mom and daughter” looks. “Honey, will you come back when dad is here?”
She looked at Ian who was shaking his head no. My mom already knew the answer.
“It’s too dangerous, I know.”
My mom was sad and this was killing me. All the times I gave my mom a dirty look for stupid teenage stuff was causing a riff of emotion. I’d wasted time not loving her the way she needed. Teenagers should be better informed somehow about what their parents did for them.
“I love you!”
“I love you too!”
She reached to grab my arm, but I was quick and snatched back. Mom reacted badly of course, showing all the coarse tears of a crestfallen mother who would only show her pride for me in the end. No words were spoken, but mom knew why.
“Let’s gather some things I have for you. I knew you’d come back eventually.”
We walked up the stairs into my old room. Across my mom’s lap sat a mahogany brown jewelry armoire the size of a pizza box. It was covered in red velvet across the back inside and bottom too. There were only two items lying inside. My mom handed the box to Danella who stood in front of both of us and handed it to me. It was new to my room, so I guessed it arrived after my departure.
“Take the gold one. It was given to me at my wedding by your previous queen, Lazyra. It is very powerful and fought back even the strongest of the Fey when I needed it most. The silver leaf was given to you at your naming ceremony. I’ve kept it for you.”
I was speechless. Not often had that ever happened until the last few months and only near Ian. I worried why she needed to fight off her own kind at some point but was caught up in the moment. Inside I saw two pendants that matched Ian’s exactly for which I had on still. I reached down pulling it out to show her and saw her eyes light up.
“Mom, I love you. You are the best mom. You know that right?”
“I do now. Remind me later just so I can hear it again.” Her tingle of a laugh escaped her lips. “And return that to Ian.”
She knew it was his. We both laughed heartily.
Ian walked into the room, unannounced, telling us it was time to go. He was standing just behind me all protective Ian like.
I couldn’t hug my mom so I told her, “See you soon.”
“Write your dad. Can you do that?”
“Yes, mom. I can positively do that.” I smiled second guessing my real parentage line. Dad’s human side seemed off a bit somehow. I don’t recall every hearing where he was born and had never heard the story of how they met in the first place. There was more to it than just what it seems.
“Mom, where was dad born?”
“Another time dear.” They didn’t think I saw, but my mom and Ian exchanged looks and maybe even some words that didn’t transfer my way. My mom’s smile was the last thing I saw as I was backed up slowly out the door, Ian’s hand cupping my neck and sending little tingles all over and the rest following suit. I kept my composure the trip home trying hard to think about what my letter might say to my dad.
When the group was safely inside the court boundaries Ian’s tension released noticeably. He kept his eyes just in front of me and his hand on my back the entire trip back to ease me and himself also. Pike stayed ahead of me not making any move to talk. I’d not heard a word from him since putting on Ian’s pendant and mine.
When we crossed over I turned to head to my room to freshen up, really meaning to release everything I’d held inside to my bed pillow. Ian caught my hand, nodded to the guards, and led me all the way through the garden to the trampoline. We climbed up silently feeling the slap of the strong winds returning to the air. He opened his arms and I fell into them. I released every single tear I’d held inside without saying a word. And when I was done, his shirt wet and covered with mascara, he pulled my chin up and kissed me softly.
Never a word.
Chapter Eight
vulnerable- a. exposed to the possibility of being harmed or attacked either physically or emotionally
I sent Danella alone, without Ian knowing she went. I was more careful this time. I found out while openly listening the last few nights to Pike and Ian mapping out the next steps that Kin hadn’t budged an inch, but Pike had caught sight of the kitchen window being raised after our visit. That was two nights ago. When they exchanged tacit looks in a supposed private conversation, I stiffened. I stayed there with them long enough to learn that Kin’s Nym guards were retiring each night on the edge of the woods near the small old farmhouse next door that was turned into a shed by my father. No one lived there of course. The realtor long ago said it was used for a servants quarters’ during the Civil War. Ian and I had covered the house top to bottom for cool artifacts but found nothing but old razor blades in the wall and a couple of old coins. We did find an old meat grinder and had fun creating horror stories with the device. Our first search had been freshman year, that in my head, felt so long ago.
I made Danella return secretly for a peek and was thankful for Ian’s sudden gifted pendant even if it proved a mostly worthless trip. Danella was even more mad at me because of the rain I didn’t predict. She promised to do it every morning for me if I would stay away. All I needed was to know they were safe.
Giving Ian the pendant back was something on my to do list, but I needed it right now. I really like seeing it hang down on his bare chest when he took off his shirt during sparring and such…well, all the time. I was the only female that was allowed in the range during day hours. That was wrong to begin with for me, but for now I just loved getting to watch Ian. Although he mentioned recently that I was being noticed as the daily audience and it was making the men nervous sometimes. When I was appalled and hurt by this, he frowned at my very girl response of him not wanting me there. He replied telling me that it wasn’t that, but rather the men feel like I am evaluating them and deciding their fates and that females in general distracted the men. I was so surprised by this that I stood a little taller as a queen and did just that the next day. He pulled me aside for a second time and said that he didn’t care for me watching other men and that it wouldn’t do well to let the men think she was evaluating them or anything else. At my end of knowing what to do or say, I asked him. He winked and smile that very melting Ian smile and said in his low voice like when we were in high school and no one was around, “I’d rather you be admiring me and my dizzying good looks. They do not get your attention in that way, ever. You’re mine.”
Oh, I get what he was wanting now. And it had nothing to do with the guards or the range. Greedy possessive man logic. I loved it!
I avoided the range the next day and waited till I knew Ian would be meeting with his men. He was in the meeting room briefing guards of new developments and other blah, blah, blah. I listened attentively at first and then impatiently settled in a chair to wait. I shouldn’t have to get his attention, but he’d pointed me out in the room several times lately, and I wanted to return the favor other than at the range. Or at least gain his attention.
A foreign Fey man dressed in different attire than our court stood with them. I recognized his different designed maple leaf on the front of his shirt from the many I’d seen back on the ceremony nights when I came here. He was here to discuss the upcoming Firebearer ceremony and the safety of the queen. Me!
I pulled out my silver maple leaf amulet among the chains around my neck and greeted him. He bowed back to me.
Bane, the latest to head the guards who’d shown promise, was at the head of the table. He was briefing the rest on the grounds including Eric, the guard I’d practiced my persuasion on several times, by making him ask me if I needed anything. I giggled on the inside at the thought of practicing it again.
Bane was giving out security plans for welcoming the Unseelie court. Being near Ian often lately, I could see that Ian trusted him explicably. He was as tall as his counterparts. Since it seemed
that all of these Fey men had big muscles and broad shoulders, I was once again reminded that I was safe in the court and surrounded by too many men. Don’t get me wrong, surrounded by hot sweaty men was appealing, but a girl just needed, well, girl time sometimes too.
Still, I was glad to see as of lately, Ian chatting with this Bane fellow and talking small talk sometimes. The two of them joked endlessly.
“Excuse me gentlemen.” Ian nodded to Bane and then to me to follow him. I did obligingly.
“What is it?” he asked without his usual charm.
“Um well, nothing really. There was no need to stop the meeting with your men for me.” He could show a little feeling and a little less moodiness like I’m annoying him. This wasn’t going as I planned. He frowned. Why? “I won’t bother you again.” I turned to leave the small archway where we stood just outside the room.
“Grace, you are so frustrating sometimes. Do you do this to me on purpose?”
What does he mean? “I didn’t DO anything, Ian. I just came to return this.” I handed him his pendant. “I simply wanted to sit with you, support you with the guards. If my presence annoys you so, by all means, I won’t ever step foot in there again, not one single time. A simple smile or how are you could have sufficed.” I was so angry I was screaming inside. And it wasn’t the pretty words you’d like to hear from a delicate queen of sugar and sweetness. Only he could get me this mad.
I turned to leave taking a bigger step so he couldn’t catch my arm’s length. I was back to my room and through the door before he caught me.
When Ian pulled my arm and actually hurt it, I turned fast and said, “WHAT?”
He backed his arm away and I rubbed it over exaggerating the hurt for effect. “What, Ian? What are you not telling me? What did I do now that you are not happy with?”
“Don’t do this, Grace,” he begged.
Arg! Maddening! “Fine, I won’t. Leave me alone then.”
“I just can’t protect you the way you need. You step out too much. You act impulsively. I hear from my own guards of your little adventures or ones you’ve sent them on.”
What? He already knew about Danella, whom I "counciled" with. But I didn’t do the stepping out. But of course, I did it behind his back which I hoped would save me from heartache. I can be so stupid sometimes. “Of course you can protect me. Why would you say that?” My voice eased too much, too fast. I wanted to be angry. He was hiding things.
He paced twice and turned away from me. “You leave when you feel, talk to other men at leisure. The days of you talking with Pike...in your heads. How close you seem. I heard it all Grace, he forces me to listen now.”
OH! He knew that too. And I’d almost forgotten. Mostly! “Ian, I can’t control Pike and his intentions. He approaches me and something just happens.” Why did I just confess that?
“I know.” His voice was husky and filled with bile. “But it’s killing me, Grace. I can’t take it anymore. I think I’m losing you. It makes me so mad and I just want to lash out. I’m the one who asked Pike to keep an eye on you and it’s more than an eye. It’s all of him with all of you.”
“That’s a bit extreme. He hasn’t done anything.”
Ian’s eyes widened, “You defend him?”
“No, I ‘m just saying,” and I thought afterward, he restrains. “I don’t know why or how, but Ian there is something drawing me towards some end goal here. And I can’t explain it just yet. My world revolves around you, Pike, and even Kin. I can’t see the outcome, but it’s some kind of major something. I can smell you all. I can sense you all. I can Pike, Kin too. They both talk to me. I don’t—"
“You never told me all this.”
I smiled at him not being let in on something. Revenge is sweet only when it is someone you don’t love. And right now, this is bittersweet agony. But I was also silently sweating and wiping my proverbial brow from telling him about the others. Something that hidden was hard to reveal. “I’ve been able to for years. You have your own smell just like them.” I just shot my freaking mouth off. I so was not thinking. Ian was not ready for this information. But isn’t this exactly what I want him not to do? Keep secrets. It was time for damage control.
“What?” he was holding both my arms tight. I glanced down at both his hands noticing the pendant was not there and if needed, could emotion up a break in his thoughts perhaps. He loosened his hands but didn’t move them.
“Well,” I bent upwards to get a whiff of his neck, “You are all woodsy and mint. I love your smell.”
He was pondering while I held my breath.
“I shouldn’t have told you. You will read too much into this. I’ve dealt with this for a long time now. It doesn’t faze me but has a great affect as an alert system.” I nodded a little too enthusiastically.
“But why do you have this strong sense of smell?” His thinking finger scratched his stubble.
“Why worry with this?” I asked.
“Grace, it’s not that simple. When did it start?” Ian pressed.
“It’s always been there. Since kinder I guess when I met all…of...you.” Damn! Dang!
“Well, she has her own secrets.” He folded his arms in his standard copy me because I am in trouble stance. He was truly vexed by this.
“Ian, this started when I was five. Who would I tell? Why would I? And it was freaky enough to deal with in the first place. Anyone I told would have just added crazy to my file earlier than they’d planned. And if you were reading me so often, you should have known.”
“It is an important detail that fits somewhere in the frighteningly dangerous side of the situation as you might say. Crazy weird.”
I smiled. “I’m rubbing off on you. You’re talking like me.”
He didn’t smile. Harrumph!
“Either way, it’s a clue. I’ll find out. I knew you could sense things, but I never dreamed you could trail a scent like an animal.” He stood there silently deliberating. He was really disturbed about this. I caught him taking in a breath. Breathing in and holding it.
“Can I ask you something?” I asked.
“Anything, you know that?” This was always his answer but he withheld. Just then several ladies of the court scooted by watching us all the while. They glared and tried to appear giggling but I wasn’t fooled. They were glaring at me. Probably because they didn't think I did a good job of anything around the court.
“Um...the ignoring thing. I still can’t handle it. If that’s what you’re going to do every time I make a decision on my own and it doesn’t sit well with you, I think…I want you to know that creates a dividing line between us. I don’t want to feel like I have to keep things from you. We are supposed to trust each other. If I’m this queen that you say I am since you brought me here, then why do I find out so much from other sources about little details that I feel would have been helpful in the decisions I supposedly have to make. I feel more that I’m getting farther away from you and we’re just spinning wheels having this same conversation over and over again. No, I shouldn’t have sent Danella. But you are so unreasonable when it comes to what I think might be a right move or what information you choose to share. I only sent her because you would never even listen to my reasoning. And Kin didn’t hurt me. That counts for something.”
This hit him the way I wanted. He ran his fingers through his hair. Oh Boy!
“Grace, I’m trying. I just want you safe. I will not lose you.”
“Okay. I know this. I get it. You want me to stop making decisions of my own and be your little queen girl. You want me to just lounge around and smile and be there when you need. But what about what I think we should do? What I need? Do you really know what that is Ian?” I folded my arms to match him.
He broke down. His face absolutely showed his man pride hating the “you don’t know what I need” statement. “Fine. So you’re right. I was just so…I don’t care for the idea that Pike and you talk. I will not pretend to like it.”
Oh, jealou
sy becomes you Ian. I like it. But he still avoided the "what I need" statement. “Um, we don’t talk. We have talked a total of maybe what five times. Six. That doesn’t count as talking. He tries to bait you. And you should not ignore me no matter what. We spend more time talking about not talking lately.”
“Agreed. I was wrong. But I won’t pretend like I’m not mad about the leaving unaccounted for. I will never like the Pike connection. And I most definitely will not like the Kinsler getting close to you bit. So don’t ask me too. Damn, Grace. You’re pushing me to the limit. You leaving me will end me.” His hand was running over and over through his hair. It hit me then that in the past months those hands were on me when he was upset so he didn’t have a place to put them right now. I could try solving that.
“Leaving you?” He thinks I will leave him. “Ian, I was wrong. You are telling me way more than I want you to be thinking. Please don’t think things like that.”
I needed to remedy the vulnerable part of him. I knew enough now that, as a man, it hurt his ego. He was stronger when he isn’t worrying about me doubting his abilities. I resolved right then to not make him worry about me so much by my impulse actions. Not wanting to give myself time to chicken out, I put my arms around his middle.
“Well, I think that I need more training on the range. I will try also to make sure I don’t go anywhere without Caymin and Rion. And you will spend more time doing the opposite of ignoring me with your hands and lips tied to me. Deal?” I smiled the best melt him like butter smile I could give him and reached out to take his hands that were still fisted. I uncurled his fingers one by one and wrapped them around mine.
And just like that the old Ian was back. It was all based on touch. If I was touching him, he was happy.
“Well my lady, in that case I’m your butter, melt me down.” I loved this Ian. Moody! Cocky! Grinning like a smooth talking Greek god bad boy Ian that I love. I finalized my thinking on making sure I can better defend myself as well as make sure I stand taller not looking like a mouse hiding from danger. I could be this queen. I will watch his lead as I’ve been doing. And I will not hide behind my man. But I will not whine. Instead, touch. Smile. Touch. It seems to work better.
Tainted Page 7
