by Jen Wylie
Sometimes it was hard to let go.
Sometimes it was hard to hold on.
Closing her eyes, she let out a slow breath. Her talk with Raythe late in the night went well enough, until he started talking about Roan…
Have you spoken with him at all?
Um…no. Things have been–
Miss Arowyn, he cut her off. Silence. He asks about you. Every day.
I don't think it's a good idea.
I understand, you love someone else. That's a whole other matter. I thought you two were friends, though. I apologize if I was wrong. He did a lot for you, and…I think you helped him, too. Helped him see beyond the walls he's built.
It's complicated.
It always is.
With everything going on, it was easier to try to forget about the pirate. She didn't want to remember how he'd found her after escaping the Elves who'd taken her. Didn't want to remember the pain of withdrawing from the riath, or their arguments…or their parting.
She didn't want to think of him. If she did her mind went places she didn't want it to go. How if circumstances had been different, if she hadn't already given her heart to Prince…
But things were as they were. She couldn't change the past and didn't want to.
"He's my friend. That's all," she muttered to herself. "Stop being stupid."
Roan? Are you there?
She waited, wondering if he was maybe too busy, or too far away, or too–
Arowyn!
The surprise, happiness, and pleasure in his voice made her smile even as guilt stabbed at her heart.
To what do I owe this pleasure?
His formality made her smile again. I just…she floundered suddenly. She hadn't thought about what they'd talk about. I don't…
He chuckled. No reason is ever needed. I enjoy hearing your voice. When she didn't respond, he asked, How have you been?
The simple question put her at ease, and she quickly found herself telling him of what happened since she'd gotten Kei back. When she mentioned finally asking Baelan to teach her to go into someone else's mind, Roan had remained quiet long enough for her to begin to chew her bottom lip in worry.
I would have thought it would be obvious, Arowyn. I will admit to being disappointed in you. I hope your lack of sense has not ruined your chance to heal the Fey.
Her stomach churned and she bit down on her lip, hard. She should have been angry at his words…but he was right. She hated that he was. I don't trust him, she answered, knowing how weak the statement sounded.
He let out an irritated sigh. We've discussed this. Trust is not an issue you need to have while the Elf is bound. It is impossible for him to harm you. I told you to use him, yet it seems you haven't at all.
Because he's confusing! This whole thing with him being my servant… I don't… I hate him. Part of me hates him, she amended. And that is the problem. He's annoying and frustrating and I can't stop thinking how he killed me, but…
But…he prodded when she finally stopped her rant.
But I've found myself wanting to take care of him. Pitying him. He is seriously all sorts of crazy, did you know that?…and I want to fix him. He's too rotting pretty, she finally mumbled.
Roan chuckled. This is what makes you you. Though you can kill without batting an eye, you also have one of the most loving and compassionate hearts I've ever seen.
Maybe I'm as crazy as he is.
Or…you are who you need to be to deal with the future set before you. To heal the Fey you will need to fight, but they will also need that heart of yours to heal centuries of madness. Perhaps you underestimate the power of kindness.
Perhaps, she said, mostly to stop his lecture. A headache was forming between her eyes.
Promise me you will think on what I've said. That you will think, Arowyn. He waited, until she finally muttered she would. Good. I must leave for a meeting now. I hope you will call on me again. Know you are welcome to, day or night, at any time.
I wouldn't want to bother you if you're trying to fall asleep. If he was sleeping, he'd not hear her at all.
He chuckled. I find I do not sleep as well lately. My bed is disturbingly empty.
His words shocked her silent for a long moment. G-goodbye, Roan, she finally stammered, deciding to ignore the comment. And yes, I promise to talk again soon.
After he said goodbye, she thumped her head against the wall next to the window. His words brought an uncomfortable heat to her face. A sudden thought made her pause and look out the window. Perhaps he hadn't kept her in his bed just to make sure she didn't die, like he'd told her. Maybe, like her, he just needed someone near at night to keep the nightmares away.
Despite her annoyance at Roan for making her feel awkward, she took a moment to go over the rest of their conversation again. His disapproval at her hesitance to use Baelan struck her hard.
Sitting in a chair next to the bed, she took Kei's limp hand in hers and watched him breathe. "I'm sorry, Kei. I'll fix it. I'll fix you." Leaning forward, she pressed a quick kiss to his forehead before hopping up and walking purposely from the room.
She headed for the kitchen. Baelan would need food before she put him to work.
∞ ∞ ∞
Setting the tray down on a small table beside his bed, Aro frowned down at the still sleeping Elf. Last night she hadn't thought his injuries to be very bad, yet still he slept, not even stirring at her entrance. Perhaps she'd been wrong. She'd become too complacent and used to people being able to heal so quickly. Of course, that he remained wounded meant he didn't have the power to heal them. If some of the wounds were deep, an arrow or knife wound, he could be out for a while as he slowly healed internal injuries.
Rot.
She needed him up…but didn't want him to fall over dead. Which, in itself, was surprising.
Her teeth ground together in frustration. If she had power, she could have given him some. The shocked look on his face would have been quite amusing, too.
She pulled the blanket down, eyeing the bandaging on his side. No blood seeping through. Good. Most, but not all, of the smaller cuts were gone now. Also good.
Her attention turned to another wound on his shoulder. It quite reminded her of her own. That the Elves he fought shot him up with arrows rather irritated her. Blood showed on this one. Leaning over him, she reached forward to see if perhaps the bleeding happened in the night and it was healing now.
She didn't even see his arm snap up, his hand just suddenly grasped her wrist so tightly she clamped her teeth down on a painful gasp.
For a moment she struggled for balance, then her eyes flicked over to his. She held back a grimace at the hard face and unwavering eyes meeting her. Wonderful. Assassin Baelan. The scar curving around his eye and then slicing across his cheek made this Baelan even more terrifying.
Holding his gaze, she remained still. "Good afternoon, Baelan." Pleased her voice didn't waver, she continued, "I brought lunch, and was checking your wounds." Her gaze moved to the bloody bandage on his shoulder. "You were, or are, still bleeding."
"I am fine."
The deeper quietness of his voice still surprised her. Still, she nodded once, then turned her gaze to where he still tightly grasped her wrist. He was certainly going to leave a bruise. "If you break it, I won't be able to heal it." When he didn't release her, she reluctantly turned her attention back to his face.
"Why are you here?"
Making up excuses likely wouldn't work with him, so she stuck with the truth. "I need you well so we can continue with Kei. He doesn't–"
"I understand," he interrupted. He released her wrist.
When she moved to check his bandage again though, his hand came up again. Raising both her hands in surrender, she straightened and took a step back. "Fine, I won't touch it."
"I don't require your care."
"Understood," she muttered. "Are you up? Do you want to eat?" She picked up his tray.
He sat up stiffly. "I don't need you to
–"
"Sure, sure." She huffed in exasperation, set the tray back down, and then turned toward him, hands on her hips. Impossible Elf.
He glared up at her. She frowned down at him. It was like he could be totally different people. The thought sent her mind spinning as they continued to stare at each other. She remembered her time in his mind. Could it be more than just insanity and mood swings?
Eventually, she broke the silence. "Is there…" How to say it? "A few of you inside?" She tapped her head.
His head tipped a bit to the side. "Yes."
Having him actually confirm it sent her reeling. "Why…How…" His gaze turned icy and she took in a long breath. "What brings…this you forth?"
His face returned to the hard mask of indifference, and also now slightly condescending. "I kill."
"Yes, but you're not an assassin now."
"Danger," he answered. "I am to protect you."
"The…" she fumbled for the right words. "The other you seems capable enough."
"I am better."
She didn't doubt that.
"I am at your disposal. Should you require someone eliminated."
The thought turned her stomach. "I won't ever ask that of you," she said quietly.
"Last night–"
"I did not ask you to kill them."
His brows drew together slightly, then his head tipped a bit to the side as he regarded her. Rot, but he was beautiful. Frightening, but still beautiful. Such a strange combination.
When he didn't speak, she gestured to the tray. "Eat. If you're feeling well enough, come find me." She headed for the door, pausing at the threshold. "I don't mind you protecting me. Any other killing, possible or imagined threats…speak with me first. And I meant what I said before."
"As you wish," he said, inclining his head. She turned to leave but looked back as he spoke again. "And, Arowyn," his fingers moved to his chest, "I am Bay."
Silence filled the room for a long moment as she processed that, and tried to figure out how, exactly, she should respond. Finally, she tipped her head in greeting. "It's nice to meet you."
She felt like an idiot, but he gave her a slight nod in return.
As she left she felt his eyes on her and clenched her teeth, holding back a shiver.
∞ ∞ ∞
He glided quietly into her room a while later, stopping inside the door to watch her pace.
"Feeling better?"
"Yes, very much so, my lovely."
Crossing her arms, she tapped her fingers as she kept walking, keeping him in sight. "Different you."
Baelan chuckled and gave a slight nod of confirmation. However, his stiff shoulders told her he wasn't entirely happy about her knowing. After a quiet moment, while she just stared at him, he looked away.
"He shouldn't have told you," he muttered, fingers fiddling with the ends of the wrappings on one wrist.
"Huh." What a strange thing to say. She walked some more. The whole thing just didn't want to make sense. "And your name is…?"
"Baelan."
Of course. She cleared her throat. "So…are you all there, all the time?"
He forced a smile, apparently resigned to the situation. "No. I suppose you could say we take turns coming forth, except it is who is needed, or expected, at the time." His face screwed up slightly. "Except him. I think he's always at the edges, watching."
"Bay."
"Yes."
"This is… I don't even know…" She shook her head.
He took a step forward, then stopped, his face suddenly pained. "You are the only one who knows. Who understands."
"What? How can that be?"
"I haven't had anyone close. Not for a long time," he answered. "Others see who they need to see. This me," he gestured to himself, "is the one most often out."
She shook her head. "I don't see how others wouldn't notice."
"Everyone has different aspects of themselves." A mocking smile lit his face. "Look at you. You bounce from angry to kind to sad so quickly it makes my head hurt."
She nearly argued, but then realized he was right. Rot, she wasn't going to break up into pieces like him, was she?
He either heard her thought or guessed from her frozen state and wide eyes. "It is unlikely. Your…situations have not required you to protect your very self. You haven't broken," he said softly.
"But–" She began, suddenly worried.
"Arowyn, I have suffered longer than you've been alive. Much longer," he added, looking away. She had no response to that and after a moment of silence he cleared his throat and then straightened. "So, my lovely, are you ready?"
Her brows drew down as she frowned. He still looked terrible. "Are you?"
A shoulder lifted in a shrug. "I am well enough. It should not take much power. We will go in and I will analyze the situation. If it is unsafe, we will return and plan."
She wanted to argue but didn't. Dying wouldn't bring Kei back.
After letting Bo and Garen know they were going to start, she and Baelan set up the chairs next to the bed so they could each reach Kei's hand.
Taking a seat, she looked over at the Elf as she slipped her trembling hand into his. She glanced down as he twined their fingers together.
"I won't let anything happen to you," he murmured.
Breathe. In. Out. She could do this. She'd survived Baelan's crazy mind.
"Ready?"
When she nodded, they both reached out to Kei. She took his hand as Baelan grasped his thin wrist.
"Remember, I'll come to you, then we'll go together into Kei. Do not let go of me. For any reason. When we are done, or if I think we need to leave, I will pull us out. Understand?" When she didn't answer quickly enough, his fingers tightened around hers. "Do you understand?"
"Yes. Yes, I do," she said quickly, heart pounding in her chest.
"Relax. Start when you're ready."
She tore her eyes from Kei's prone form to look at Baelan. His gaze met hers, serious, unwavering. Yes, she could trust him. Closing her eyes, she went inside herself.
Baelan stood beside her when she opened her eyes, his fingers squeezed hers briefly and then she twirled and twisted and was gone again.
"We're here."
She hadn't thought much about what Kei's mind would be like; a forest had come to mind, perhaps a fortress like she'd made.
Absolute darkness.
Silence.
For a moment she panicked, her breath lodging in her throat as her heart beat frantically. Had something gone wrong? Had she died again?
A hand squeezed hers, allowing her to breathe again. "I am here."
She looked to Baelan in relief, blinking as he created one of his golden lights above them. His hard, cold features made her stiffen. Not Baelan. Bay. How dangerous could Kei's mind be for the assassin to come out?
Looking around again, her brows rose. "I see lights, in the distance." Glancing at him, she saw a slight frown cross his face as his eyes narrowed. The lights grew, and she squeezed his hand, unsure what to do. "Are they coming closer?"
"Yes." He glanced up, his head tipping to the side. "Perhaps not a danger though."
Looking up, she saw more faint twinkling lights, like a sea of stars. They kept spinning around, circling something. She didn't know what exactly. Hopefully Kei.
"Quite unusual."
Tense muscles relaxed at his flippant tone. A smile twitched on her lips as they looked at each other and she saw Baelan had returned.
"What now?"
"Now we–" His gaze flicked over her shoulder, eyes widening suddenly. "Move!" Releasing her hand, elbow shoving her to the side, his hand flew up, the sudden bright blue rune blinding her.
She looked down as she stumbled, trying to clear the spots dancing in her eyes. Between one footfall and the next she noticed the nothing below her. No ground, water, nothing but blackness. With that realization, she dropped, an audible gasp filling her lungs as she uselessly kicked and swung her arms, trying to catch
hold of something, anything.
She spun wildly, her hair whipping across and around her face. Wind buzzed in her ears, drowning out her panicked breaths and pounding heart. Even knowing she needed to calm down, she couldn't. Especially when she somehow turned herself to see the sphere of lights above quickly moving away.
Frantic noises escaped her mouth, combinations of gasps, whines, and whimpers. Her thoughts became a chaotic mess. Would she fall forever? Did Kei's mind have a bottom, or did it not matter, because she'd fallen into a trap and her sudden fear would never let her go.
Tears streaked her face, blurring her vision.
She still fell.
Forever, she fell.
I'm so sorry, Kei…
Stop moving, silly girl.
Not Kei, Bay. Blinking rapidly, she did as told and held her arms and legs still. Above, she noticed a small gold light quickly coming closer.
Hair still whipping around her, she clenched her fists, trying to calm the hysteria that wouldn't go away, her fluttering heart and constant quick short breaths. He'd never be able to reach her. She'd just keep falling and falling…
But he did draw closer. Soon she saw him, toes tipped down, body stiff and strait and arms pressed close to his sides, his silver hair a flowing cape above him. A beautiful figure in the dark.
As he neared, she couldn't help but scramble to try to reach him, arms flailing in her panic.
Stay still.
He passed her and she twisted, a cry escaping her lips. She'd lost him. He'd gone too far…
The jarring motion of landing in his arms made her bite her lip, drawing blood. She couldn't get close enough, hooking her legs around his as she wrapped her arms around his neck and tried not to cry.
"Shhh. I've got you." Stiff, he hesitated, patting her back awkwardly as she plastered her shaking body against him. After a moment, he finally wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. "I will always catch you," he said softly. A hand stroked her hair as she stuck her face into his neck and tried to remember how to breathe.
