by Troy Neenan
Give it up for Big Brother. Those conspiracy nuts can shout about being spied on all they wanted, but David was just happy to get out of there. Now all he had to do was stand in one spot until help arrived. He could do that, or that had been the plan until five minutes later when heatstroke nearly killed him.
He cursed himself for not buying a tent. He hadn't thought that he would be spending the night out in this godless wasteland but figured that he could have just slept in the truck if he did. There had to be at least an umbrella swimming around in his back seat.
Not wanting to lose the phone or the signal, the trouble shooter put the phone on the ground and slowly backed away as if he were dealing with a time bomb. He made it ten paces before his back played up. “Holy fucking God.” he cried as it felt like arsehat had shived him with a corkscrew.
The trouble shooter dropped to one knee and cried as the pain tore right through him. He limped back to the cave; every clumsy step feeling like it would be his last.
He stopped from nearly entering the mouth of the dungeon. David had played a lot of games in his time including one or two RPGs, but seeing a real dungeon in real life made him feel slightly disappointed. He had expected that it would look like a big giant skull, something really awesome or intimidating. Instead, the place was just a giant stone shed.
The thing looked as if it had been put together by a bunch of grad-students with a few bags of cement.
Feeling like he was just a pile of melting wax, David was about to step inside the shed when he noticed something peculiar about the dungeon exterior. On the outside the place looked no bigger than a shed that you used to put your lawnmower, but inside it was... bigger.
“No way,” David said as he got inside. The heat instantly dissipated and he was finally able to breathe. “Holy shit that's nice.”
What the fuck happened? The voice in his head shouted. You were gone for like an hour. I thought you. I mean, I died.
Out of shape since he was ten, David could hear the sounds of his own heavy breathing. He sounded like a diesel engine that had been shot. “It's a Tardis.”
What?
“The dungeon. Not shitting you. Bigger on the inside.”
Really? Nice. Shit, you look bad. Minion, you good for a zap?
The fairy looked to a spot in the cave where David suspected that Dungeon David was hanging around, “Zap, Master?”
“Healing,” David said. “Can you heal me? My back is murder.”
The fairy bobbed up and down and went to the exhausted and wounded human. After fighting every impulse to swat the creature, he allowed her to settle on his back fat. There was a prick of pain as the fairy dug its proboscis into David's meat. A second later, and his pain started to fade.
“Ahhhh,” David sighed as the pain slowly retreated. He looked down at his hand and watched incredulously as the deep cut that he had suffered started to close. It wasn't entirely gone; the dungeon had only summoned the lowest healer he could make. The fairy had been a nasty piece of work and he didn't want it getting too many ideas of vengeance.
The fairy pulled herself away from her creator and looked slightly drunk.
David knew from his time as the dungeon that what she had done was not necessarily called healing. From what little his dungeon self had gotten from her, this particular species of fey fed off pain, death, and suffering. The fixing part had just been a side product and it wasn't perfect. The trouble shooter had been artificially aged in the process, and was he feeling caffeine high that was going to eventually lead to extreme tiredness.
It was the reason that some adventures kept spamming a dungeon despite knowing that they were probably going to die. The little bitch and her kind subtly made them addicted to dungeon diving. Unfortunately, if it was just that then David would have felt some guilt over electrocuting the bug, sadly humans weren't just part of her menu.
Creatures that made a contract with a dungeon got all kinds of perks. Creatures like the mutant mosquito preferred to get a dungeon young. They gave it a few lessons, and then spent thousands of years just siphoning off the ambient energy. They would spend every moment of their life integrating themselves into what could only be called the dungeon’s OS.
Some of the LitRPG authors had only gotten it half right, once a fairy that had bonded with a dungeon died, the dungeon went absolutely bat shit crazy and either got put down by the local inhabitants or self-destructed. What was left was just a hollowed out building that monsters squatted in.
As for fairies in general, it turns out that some of the old stories that existed before Disney prettied them all up were closer to the real thing. Cannibalism, murder, rape, baby eating, arson. Elves, fairies, pixies, all of them made the Nazis look like humanitarians. For some sub-species like the dungeon fairies, torturing some poor bastard wasn't just entertainment to them, it was their diet. And with their ability to disguise themselves and the market turning them into heroes… David didn't want to think about the damage that they could cause with a death trap behind them.
“Is there anything else that you want, Master?” the fucking evil bitch asked.
“Yes,” David said and pointed at the bug zapper, “go over to that lamp and touch the light.”
The fairy did so and a second later there came a very familiar “Ahhhhh!”
Was that necessary? The dungeon asked. It wasn't easy making her and I don't exactly have hands here.
David went into the truck and grabbed the lighter and a few bottles of water. He also packed up some of the more valuable items. He had loaded up to fix a tower but that plan was shot to hell. Still, there were things in the car that he needed. He went to the glove box and pulled out a signed copy of a fantasy book that he had almost finished.
Hey, leave that. The dungeon said. I'm going to be bored in here. For some reason the telepathy thing didn't work when you went outside.
“You can't open it,” David protested. He kept looking around not wanting to leave anything valuable behind. He was already ditching his truck and replacing it was going to be a bitch and a half. He supposed that he could get somebody to pick it up, but he still didn't know if it still worked or not.
Hmm.
It was hard to think that there was another you running around. It was like knowing you had a twin brother out there who got off by murdering people and collecting Pokémon cards, both habits equally unsettling.
When David got what he needed, he felt his other-self speak to him for what could be the last time. Hey, could you do me a favour and get some bull ants for me. Also, leave the emergency phone and work tablet.
“There are no games on it,” David said wondering just what his other-self was up to. Not that he cared. He could just tell the bosses that the phone broke. The ants he could understand. With no mining tools the dungeon would have to use whatever it could to dig a room and ants were the best drill teams around.
Don't worry. Also, take some photos of Barney and try to get some of his DNA. You should have some scissors in the car. Cut off a... There was a trace of hesitation in his other-self that caused David to immediately take notice. The dungeon's voice grew serious and the fear and anxiety transferred through the connection. David. he said
David had never heard his own voice without a recorder on hand, but from the dungeon’s tone it sounded as if a tarantula had parked itself on his crotch. There was also this feeling of paranoia that seemed to be building up. “What?”
Be a pal and put fresh batteries in the bug zapper. I think the bitch's relatives can see that I have a vacancy sign floating above my head.
Chapter Four
It was a strange feeling seeing your body leaving you behind. It was kind of like seeing your child drive away in your car; you didn't know to be more worried about the kid or the car.
David watched his body put down a full can of bug spray and a mosquito coil on the floor. His body also changed the batteries of the bug zapper and dumped six double AAs onto a pile next to it, not that the
dungeon had the ability to swap batteries around. But hey, it was better to have them in sight than go rummaging around in a car not sure if they were there or not.
Hoping that the ant idea would prove a useful endeavour, his body had emptied two bottles of lemonade onto the cave floor, creating a large trail leading out of the cave's entrance. The twin streams of bubbling sugar would attract every fly and ant in the area.
Having another thought, his corporeal self then put a tarp on the entrance, using the duct tape in his tool box to stick it in place and darken the chamber. Neither David wanted a fairy getting spooked, running off, and killing a kid. The tarp should have also kept the flies out. Blowflies were bitches of things.
Done, his body went outside to wait for rescue.
David had mixed feelings about seeing himself go. On the good side there was more room here and his body wasn't going to get killed by something unnatural popping up.
Having done absolutely nothing for two whole minutes, the dungeon moved to his work tablet. He really needed to get this done before the tablet's battery died and he was left with an expensive paperweight.
First he tried to physically turn the thing on but his ghost hand just phased through the screen. Next he tried to will the object to turn on but he only succeeded in moving it just the merest fractions and that small effort rewarded him with a headache and a feeling of being drained. David just had to accept it. If dungeons did have a level than he was still on the training wheels.
That was when he felt it. A feeling like a big spider was crawling down your leg. It was a sensation that he knew all too well whenever he saw an unknown number on his phone. He was about to get a tiny solicitor.
For a moment, he panicked. What if the thing didn't fall for the bug zapper? Then he might be stuck with it. It would be like living with a small nagging little toothache that wore him down and kept demanding his attention. One slip of the tongue and David was fucked.
There was no time to act or prepare further. A flower bud appeared from the cave wall and from that seed a large red rose grew out. The thing grew to the size of a terrier and when it finally bloomed a small naked woman with bright red hair popped right out.
She awoke almost immediately, giving a cute little yawn.
David didn't try too hard to pierce the thing's disguise. These things were like con men, you look too hard at a fairy and its fight or flight kicked in.
While the other demonic bug had been more of a willowy stick of a woman, this bitch was outfitted. Nice breasts, a bit chubby; her disguise even included a large bush between her legs that needed landscaping. There was also another slight difference between the new comer and the evil bug girl. While the mosquito girl had been the size of his thumb, this one was about the size of a loaf of bread.
The fairy looked around and spotted David floating above her, “Well, you're a biggun' aren't yer?” she said in an Irish accent.
Great. David thought dryly. A leprechaun.
David tried to act cool, “W-what are you? For that matter, what am I?” David could see the ankle-bitter smile and he guessed that she thought that she had just hit the motherfucking jackpot.
“You son, are a dungeon,” she said.
David ran through the motions. Asking what a dungeon was, what it did, why they killed people. He was going to have to come up with a script if this was going to become a habit.
Eventually, Morgan, as she liked to be called, decided that she strung this fat bastard along enough and she cut to the point. “Alright, love. This is what we need to do. I need you to make a wee contract with me.”
David tried to act coy, “I don't know.” He made a show of looking around and then pointed at the glass that was on the ground. “Wow, be careful. There is glass on the ground. You don't want to get cut.”
“Don't be such a boy, my wee dungeon.” Then, as if for the first time, Morgan looked at what she planned was her dream house. She stared at the Beast in wonder, “What is that?”
“I think it was how I got in here. I think there is some of my stuff in the back, think you can get it? I can't really move things.”
Morgan apparently didn't need wings. She jumped up to the front seat as if she were a cat. “Hey, this is pretty nice.” She looked at interior and at the big steering wheel. She was stronger than she looked as she easily broke the steering lock. “What is it? Some kind of boat?”
So she didn't know what a car was either. David tried to sound apologetic, it wasn't that hard. He had a lot of experience leading pensioners around their phones, “Yeah, shame about the glass. Seeing that I can't move anything I can't make it more comfortable in there. It might make a good home for you, if, you know.” he let the sentence hang for a second.
He could see the ginger leprechaun think about it for a moment. It was hard to concentrate on her expression as she was naked and her tits just seemed to defy gravity. He could tell that she was gauging the merits of spilling too much information before setting up shop.
“I can teach you how to absorb glass.” she said. “First you canny touch it. Over time you naturally absorb it. The ground just sort'a gobbles it up. But if you want something really quickly you have to get one of the monsters you control to gather it up or eat it. If you bonded with me now, I could get rid of it for you.”
That sounded familiar. For possible hours David had been trying to think of a way to wake himself up. Doing everything that he could think of, eventually mosquito girl's body just sort of... dissipated, after that David had just thought about her and there she was.
“You can eat glass?” David said.
“I can eat anything,” Morgan informed him.
“I bet you can't.”
Morgan's face twisted into a grin, “I show yer, yer cheeky bugger.” the small woman picked up a handful of glass shards and ate them. David couldn't believe it. She crunched and chewed and the dungeon could hear the glass break. It sounded like they were being put in a cement mixer. Eventually, Morgan swallowed and she grinned devilishly at the dungeon's floating body. “See. I can eat anything. I can strip this entire metal dingy in a day; only, you won’t get any of it if you and I don't make a contract.”
Damn, this girl was like a billy goat. David thought.
The dungeon felt another intrusion and for a second he thought another fairy was coming through, until he saw that it was just a bunch of ants. The lemonade was doing its job alright.
Before his body left him, it had brought in a branch covered in bull ants. He then proceeded to stomp the shit out of them. The dungeon had felt a rush from that explosion of violence. The ants were like stale popcorn. It wasn't very filling but it was something. David also didn't want to admit this, but he got a larger explosion of pleasure when his body pissed and bled on the cave walls. He just really didn't want to think about that. His porn collection was full enough of depravity that he didn't want to include self-urination as a theme.
David had spent a large portion of his starting energy creating the initial fairy he had met and moving the tablet. He couldn't make an ant if wanted to but maybe he didn't have to. Ants used pheromones to track and give each other orders. If he tried hard enough and with the knowledge he got from the ants that he killed, maybe he could move a few.
He used what he had gathered from the dead ants and the Discovery Channel, concentrating on the biggest bastard of the group. For some odd reason, the Dungeon didn't picture smells when he thought about pheromones, which kind of made a bit of sense; they were supposed to be odourless. Instead, he pictured colours.
The ants stopped moving and stood to attention. That was when David felt it. It was like he had just befriended dozens of people on Facebook and he was absorbing all of their likes and dislikes. It had been the same with the fairy only less of a history and more of a bunch of spam mail, the ants were pretty simple to figure out while the fairy had been far more complex.
He knew that the ants came from the same nest and instead of naming that nest with wo
rds the ants gave it a smell label. It was like how dogs found their way home by marking their territory. It was almost too easy for David to replace the ants' previous nest name with his own.
The Dungeon's avatar grinned; he had just gotten some nice ant slaves. His attention soon moved back to Morgan and a thought came to him. “Hey, Morgan. How good are you at drinking games?”
***
The naked leprechaun sculled the beer like a sailor on shore leave. The girl definitely liked her grog. She had nearly drunk an entire six pack.
Out here in the desert there were no cops or bosses to ride your arse for drinking on the job. The beer had been meant to celebrate fixing the coms stations but seeing that David didn't really have a stomach, he thought that getting a naked leprechaun wasted would be kind of fun to see, and it was.
Morgan came up for air and she grinned happily, “This shite is fookin' great.” she let out a loud burp, and then ate the can.
David made a point to stay in front of her so that she didn't turn her head back. He crossed his arms and continued to glance back and forth between Morgan and the hundreds of 40mm long bull ants that were swarming behind the exhibitionist.
The insects covered the truck like a living black carpet, and the avatar used his dungeon powers and what he knew about ants to teach the pests some tricks. There were some ants in the Amazon or Africa, whichever the documentary was based on, that the ants created bridges. David was doing the same thing with the ants, only he was making them into stalactites. Forming large spikes that hovered above the fairy's body.
To ensure that the first strike would be the last, he had also recruited a few European wasps which nested in Barney's body. While David could strip Barney down for spare parts he could also still use him as an army barracks for wasps and biting flies. And more troops seemed to be coming. David wasn't letting this bitch out. He knew that Morgan wasn't the same species of fairy as mosquito girl, but even if she was half as evil as that little terror was, she had to go.
