That was just creepy. Chris didn’t answer Trevor. With Chris on one side and me on the other, we walked Zoe, wobbling, to the door. Why had Zoe come to her senses? Maybe she knew what she was doing was a terrible idea and she just couldn’t save herself, or maybe she was just beyond wasted?
I helped Zoe into the front seat of Chris’s car and said I’d follow behind them.
“If you feel like you might throw up, tell me and I’ll stop the car,” Chris said to her before I closed the door.
“I feel fine,” Zoe said, which was ridiculous because she was a total mess. Her face was red and blotchy and her always-pretty hair had gotten nearly knotted looking.
At Zoe’s I parked behind Chris, got out, and opened Zoe’s door. She didn’t move right away.
“Can you walk?” I said. “Are you okay?”
“I’m just so mad at myself, you know? Why did I ever sleep with that DB Dermott? I feel so stupid.”
Zoe was quiet for a few moments and then I heard her sniffle and she wiped her nose with her arm. She tried to wipe away her tears, but she couldn’t stop crying. She was really sobbing now. “I’m so dumb.”
“Hey, hey,” Chris said in a kind voice. “You’re not dumb. You’re a smart girl who made a mistake. We all make mistakes.”
Zoe looked at him. “Really? You don’t think I’m some dumb slut?”
Again, it was like Chris’s words meant everything to her. Did she only listen to guys?
Chris said, “No way. Why would I ever think that about you? The one who looks bad is Dermott.”
Zoe smiled through her tears. “Thank you, Chris.” She turned to look at me. “You guys are the best. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I mean it. You guys are awesome.”
“Are you going to be okay?” Chris asked.
Zoe nodded. “Yeah.”
“Get some sleep. And before you go to bed drink a big glass of water and take two aspirin if you have them.”
I wished I knew all these tricks of the trade, but bird courtship was more my domain than hangover remedies. Chris knew the right things to say and what she should do. He was kind to her—maybe too kind, I was beginning to think. Maybe she needed a harsh wake-up call to change her life. It wasn’t only Dermott’s fault—it was Zoe’s too.
I walked Zoe to the door, making sure she got in. Chris waited and I came over to talk to him through the car window. I said, “You were really nice to her.”
“I think she kind of needs someone to be nice to her.”
“Do you think though she maybe needs to face the truth? I mean, she is kind of acting like a dumb slut.” The words felt rougher than I meant them to be. I followed up with, “I just don’t want her to keep blaming guys like Dermott when she needs to value herself more, you know? It’s not just Dermott. What about the guy from the rodeo?”
“It’s a good point,” Chris said. “I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
“Well, maybe that’s the kind of thing that’s better talked about when she’s not drunk and hysterical,” I offered.
“So, what’s up now?” Chris said.
“It’s late,” I said. It was after midnight.
“You’re going home?”
I smiled. “I didn’t say that.”
“You could sleep over,” Chris said.
I thought about it. Would Cheryl notice, or care that I didn’t come home? Did I care? I wanted to be with Chris tonight.
“I’ll follow you,” I said, even though I knew the way.
We didn’t agree that we would have sex that night, but somehow we both knew this was the night. That it was finally happening. We had fooled around many times and it shouldn’t have felt that special. But it did. Was it because society made such a big deal about sexual intercourse, or because I could get pregnant if we weren’t careful? Those might be questions for a Gender, Sexuality, and Society class I might take at Tufts. Right then, all I knew was that this night, this time, meant something more than all the rest.
As Chris pulled off his shirt and lay down next to me, he said, “Is this how you imagined it? Or did you want rose petals and mood lighting?”
My stomach seized up a little. I wasn’t just imagining things. This was happening.
“I really wish my virginity wasn’t so . . . out there,” I said.
“Like you would have just pretended you’d done it before?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” But I knew that wasn’t the truth. If I’d pretended I wasn’t a virgin, we’d have had sex by now. And it wouldn’t have been the same. It would have felt false and hollow, lying to him, pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
Chris was close to me, his breath on my face. He kissed my neck. “We don’t have to, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want you right now.”
His words sent good shivers up my spine. We kissed again. The feeling of tightness in my stomach was still sort of there, but there was another feeling too, lower.
“I want to,” I said.
He stood up and went to get a condom. Or at least that’s what I assumed he was doing. I sat up and watched him disappear into the bathroom. It reassured me to see his clothes on a chair in the corner of the room, a pair of breeches on the dresser. The closet door was open and I saw his show shirts and jackets. I can’t explain why I liked seeing his clothes, but I did. I knew him. I knew who he was. This wasn’t Zoe and the wanna-be cowboy.
He came back and I watched him slide the condom onto himself. I’d never in a million years thought seeing a guy put on a condom would be sexy but it was. It was really sexy.
There were other surprises too.
I thought it would hurt a lot, but it didn’t. Maybe it was because of my riding, or maybe that was just another myth about first times. I didn’t bleed either. It also didn’t take as long as I thought it would. For a few moments it felt intense and pleasurable, but in a different kind of way, a deeper, inside way. He had most of the pleasure this time—groaning in my ear and then shuddering still. I liked his pleasure more than I’d ever thought I would. I liked that I made him feel that way. It was a feeling of power and pride.
When we lay there afterwards, naked, tired, and he ran his finger from my face, near my ear, down my chin, my neck, my breast, my hip, and then gave a wonderful sigh and said, “You’re amazing,” I knew it had been special for him, too.
Chapter 26
I wanted to spend the whole next day thinking about the night before, about Chris and me together. About how losing my virginity had been everything I’d wanted it to be.
But I saw Zoe and she looked awful. She walked up to me and rested her head on my shoulder.
“I feel so sick,” she said, clutching her stomach. “I kept drinking after you dropped me off.”
“Zoe! You need to go home.” A pang of guilt hit me. I should have stayed with her instead of being with Chris.
Zoe lifted her head. “I can’t. I’ve got two catch-rides today.”
“You have to tell them you’re sick. That you’ve got the flu.”
“And never get another catch-ride again? They’ll know why I can’t show.”
“Coffee,” I said.
Zoe groaned. “Please, I’ve already had like three cups and a Five-Hour Energy.” She checked her phone. “I was already supposed to be on by now.”
“I still think you need to throw the flag or throw in the towel, or whatever you call it.”
Zoe shook her head. “Probably once I get on I’ll feel better. It’s kind of like a fisherman needing to be at sea. I need to be on a horse.”
She didn’t look particularly convincing as she said this. And the problem with the fishermen metaphor was that they weren’t hung-over. I had the feeling I should do something more, but what could I do really? Zoe had gotten herself into this mess and we had already helped her out as much as we could. Maybe it was good I hadn’t stayed with her last night. I was the one who told Chris she needed a wake-up call. Zoe wasn’t good at taking help and so maybe she had to learn for herself
to slow down. Maybe this was the wake-up call she needed and this was the time to say what I thought Chris should have said last night.
“I think you need to protect yourself a little more,” I told her.
“What do you mean?”
“Last night. You were going to sleep with Trevor. You could have picked up a disease. And even if you didn’t, emotionally don’t you think it would have made you feel bad about yourself if you slept with him?”
“Who said I was going to sleep with him?”
I gave her a look. “Zoe, you need to think about yourself and not about guys all the time. Like maybe even take a break from guys. This is your last junior year. I know you want to win a final.”
“Is that what you’re doing? You didn’t like Nick and you don’t seem to think Teddy is good enough for you either. You think you’re too good for anyone so you’re going to go to college a pristine little virgin. Maybe you should consider not being so lame.”
Her words hurt and I wanted to tell her about Chris and how I wasn’t a virgin anymore. No, I’d lost my virginity to Chris Kern. What would she say to that?
“You’re right, I’m probably a little too much the other way,” I acknowledged.
“A little?” Zoe said sarcastically.
“Fine, a lot. But maybe it’s better to value yourself too much than not enough.”
“You are so holier-than-thou or whatever it’s called,” Zoe said. “I mean, get over yourself. You don’t know the first thing about the circuit or any of the horse show life. I have to go ride.”
Zoe turned and I called after her, “Good luck!” I wasn’t trying to pick a fight with her. I just wanted to talk some sense into her.
I bought a bagel and an Odwalla smoothie at the food truck and then sat down in the front row of the stands next to the hunter ring to watch Zoe. Golf carts and the occasional dirt bike or actual bicycle were angled alongside the ring. The golf carts were filled with ring bags, grooming buckets, saddles, and even dogs. It was five minutes before the class would start. The tractor was finishing dragging the ring. Riders were warming up and Nick was calling the order of go.
“Tammy to go first. Scott in one. Then Reed in two. Helen in three. Izzy in four and Zoe in five. Let’s get ’em up to the in-gate. We’ve got a long day ahead of us out here.”
When Zoe entered the ring I had finished the bagel and was sipping my Odwalla. Jamie was at the in-gate in her usual position, arms crossed. As Zoe picked up a canter I watched to see if she was weak or not her usually focused self. But she looked okay. Maybe she’d been right about needing to be on a horse. Part of me was glad that she was fine, but there was also a part of me that wanted things to go wrong for her. How was she going to learn if she didn’t suffer the consequences of her mistakes? And why did she get away with everything and the rest of us didn’t?
Zoe had jumped the first fence and was cantering to the outside line. Jamie was standing with what must have been the owner of the horse she was on. Zoe rode the line well and headed down the diagonal to the in-and-out. I saw the distance coming up. It was going to be a little deep so Zoe would have to work to fit it in. Usually whenever I saw a distance that didn’t look perfect somehow Zoe massaged it so it turned out amazing and it was hard to even see how she had done it because her aids were so invisible. It was sick that she was so talented, really. And that she could do it completely hung-over, no less.
Zoe neared the jump. It seemed impossible, but this time Zoe was not balancing up. Instead she legged the horse forward, trying to leave out the stride altogether. All I could think when I saw the horse lunging at the fence was that it was something I would do, not Zoe.
The horse made an effort to leave out the stride like Zoe had asked, throwing its front feet forward, but there simply was too much ground to cover. The horse’s front feet went straight into the jump. Amid rails flying, and a horse sliding, Zoe catapulted straight through the air and landed on the ground. At first no one moved except the horse who was trying to get as far away from the wreckage as possible.
I stood up, my hand to my mouth. How could I have ever wished for her to suffer the consequences of her actions? It was like I had jinxed her. What kind of friend was I?
Zoe lay on the ground as Nick called for the EMT and ran into the ring. Zoe rolled over onto her back and he told her not to move. She was clutching her shoulder. Finally, Jamie stepped into the ring. I heard her mumble, “Jesus, Zoe,” as she walked toward her. A groom took the horse, which seemed thankfully unhurt, out of the ring.
The EMT arrived quickly and ran in to help Zoe. Now there was a whole group of people surrounding Zoe and I couldn’t see anything for a while until someone moved and I saw Zoe’s helmet was off.
I wondered whether to go into the ring, what Jamie would say, whether Zoe would want me there. She had no family here. Jamie was the closest thing to family and that was a scary thought. When I had decided I didn’t care and was going to go in no matter what, Nick was calling to clear the in-gate to make way for the ambulance.
The ambulance pulled in without its lights or sirens. It looked strange to see it moving so slowly and quietly.
I got to Zoe as the EMT was telling her to lay still and explaining that they were going to move her onto a backboard. If Zoe could hear what they were saying, she didn’t acknowledge it.
“Do you want me to go with her?” I asked Jamie. I wasn’t showing till later and I could miss my class anyway.
“Sure,” Jamie said. She looked more annoyed than concerned.
I guess I understood why she was so mad at Zoe. It didn’t take a genius to tell that she was hung-over. And Jamie did do a lot for Zoe—getting her rides, promoting her. But still, she didn’t have to be so harsh. What if Zoe was really hurt? What if she’d injured her spine? I hoped the EMTs were just sticking to protocol and being overly cautious with the backboard.
I climbed in the ambulance next to Zoe. She looked so weak, strapped to the backboard, and I felt the gravitas of our friendship.
She was more lucid now; she was crying. “I know it’s broken.”
“What’s broken?” I asked.
“My shoulder. I felt it pop when I landed. Oh my God if it’s broken I won’t be able to ride for weeks. What if it’s not better before Regionals? It fucking kills—it’s broken.”
The EMT told Zoe to try to relax, and not to jump to conclusions.
“You don’t know it’s broken,” I added. I was just glad she was talking. If it was her shoulder, she was lucky. “It might just be bruised or something.”
It was a thirty-minute drive to the hospital and then I had to wait in the emergency room for another thirty minutes while the doctors saw Zoe. Word had spread across the show grounds and I got tons of texts asking if Zoe was okay, from some people I didn’t even know. Both Chris and Jed asked if they should come to the hospital. I told Chris we were fine, but that I needed him to check on Logan and throw him a flake of hay. Jed wanted to come to the hospital too, but he had the Medal to show in and still needed those precious few points. I told him Zoe would be so mad if he missed the Medal to come to the hospital. The one person I didn’t get a text from was Zoe’s mother. I’m not sure how she would have gotten my number, but other people seemed to figure out how to get it.
When I finally got in to see her, Zoe’s arm was in a sling. Her eyes were red and her cheeks streaked with tears.
“I broke my collarbone,” she said, bursting into tears again.
I sat down next to her on the bed.
“How long does that take to heal?”
“Four to six weeks,” Zoe said. “I shouldn’t have ridden. I should have listened to you.”
“You were having a really good trip,” I said.
Zoe kind of laughed. “Yeah, I was. Hey, maybe I can help you some now that I’m going to be out of commission. Maybe Jamie would let me give you some lessons or something.”
I felt my cheeks turn red. “Um, yeah, maybe.”
&
nbsp; I told Zoe about all the texts I had gotten, about all the people worried about her. She had me check her own phone too. There were many more texts there and I read them out loud to her. She said, “Of course just wait till the people start up saying how I can’t ride and how I was drunk. And nothing from my mother, right? That figures.”
I had texted Jamie to tell her Zoe was okay and to tell her I was going to skip my class and help get Zoe home. Jamie told Mike to drive over to pick us up. He drove us back to Zoe’s, going extra slow so as not to jostle her. Mike didn’t talk much but just the fact that he was willing to come pick us up made me think he still had feelings for Zoe.
At Zoe’s condo, he asked, “Do you need me to give Logan his dinner?”
“That’d be great. Chris threw him a few flakes and checked his water, but it would be great if you could feed him and then I’ll come over later and take him for a long walk and pick out his stall and stuff.”
“That’s so nice of Chris to do,” Zoe said.
Something about the way Zoe said that made me think she thought he was doing it to help her out, which in a way he was. But it was also about me. I hung out, keeping Zoe company, watching bad reality TV, and sipping warm ginger ale. Maybe the pain meds they put her on had a little something special in them or she was wiped out because she was kind of quiet and then dozed off for a little while.
At around six, Chris showed up. I went to the door and did a bit of a double take when I saw him since he was carrying a big bouquet of flowers and take-out from the bookstore cafe. The flowers seemed like they should be for me, but I knew they weren’t. I understood that giving them to Zoe was totally platonic, but still it stung a little, which I realized was stupid.
“Oh my God,” Zoe said when she saw Chris. It was the most animated she had been since she’d come home. “Flowers? You are so sweet.”
Her face had color again. She smoothed back her hair self-consciously. This was bad, I realized as I watched her. She thought this meant something and Chris had no idea what she was thinking. How could she think he’d be interested in her when he’d found her in a parking lot sucking off some total stranger?
Summer Circuit (The Show Circuit -- Book 1) Page 14
