The other important thing that had happened last summer was Chris Kern. Chris and I had fallen in love and while most people on the show circuit couldn’t believe a gorgeous, accomplished, rising-star grand prix rider like Chris would fall for me, he did. We were still together, but we hadn’t seen each other since the circuit had ended.
“Thanksgiving was okay,” I told Dr. S to start us off. “I went to my father’s in California. I guess it was good to see the sun. I got to see my brother, which was great. But the whole time I was thinking of Chris.”
“What did Chris do for Thanksgiving?”
“He was with his family.”
“Do you have plans to see him?”
“We’re working on it but not yet. It’s like nearly every second of every day I’m thinking about him. I know I shouldn’t miss him so much but I think about the summer and how happy I felt. Here, nothing’s right.”
I explained how I had passed the kids sledding on the President’s Lawn, how they seemed to be living the quintessential college life. And that by contrast I felt aimless and disconnected.
“Are you able to do your course work? You said you were worried about your expository writing class?”
“I’ve been getting the work done. I guess that’s one of the only things that keeps my mind off Chris for a while. It’s not like I’m killing it in my classes, but I’m probably getting Bs. I used to care more how I did, though. That’s bad, right? That means I’m depressed?”
Dr. S crossed her athletic legs cloaked in their black tights. She had a deep purple skirt on over the tights. “There’s no one thing that means someone’s depressed.”
“Yeah, but I am, right?”
“It’s how you feel.”
I looked at my fingernails. God, I wanted to bite them. It would feel so good to chew them down to the bare, fresh, pink skin underneath. But I hadn’t done that in a long time and I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do it again.
“Do a lot of college students have a hard time first semester? I mean I thought I wouldn’t have homesickness or whatever because, well, first of all I didn’t grow up that far away from here and second of all, living with my mom wasn’t exactly wonderful so I figured I wouldn’t have any of that feeling like I was missing my old life. But now what I’m missing isn’t my life before the summer but my life during those weeks in Vermont.” I smiled, thinking of the horse show, the quiet town of Weathersville, of Chris. “Oh my God, I think of how great it was… it was like my life was finally happening. And now it’s back to… I don’t know… nothing.”
“So you say you think about Chris a lot?”
“All the time. Sometimes it’s good memories. Other times I obsess about his ex-girlfriend.”
“Mary Beth?” Dr. S said.
Sometimes it amazed me that Dr. S could keep track of all the details and names. It wasn’t like she was looking back in her notebook. There had to be countless mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, friends, and exes to remember. I guess you had to have a good memory in order to do this job.
“Mary Beth, yeah. I don’t think they’ve seen each other that much but they are at the same shows together and when the winter circuit starts, they’ll see each other practically every day.”
Dr. S asked me to tell her a little more about the winter circuit. I tried to sum it up quickly, explaining that from January through April, the top riders in the sport on the East Coast went to one of two winter circuits, The Winter Equestrian Festival in Wellington or Horse Shows in the Sun in Ocala. WEF, near ritzy Palm Beach, was the biggest circuit—with twelve weeks of competition and the wealthiest competitors. For the jumpers, there was serious prize money and FEI classes. It had become such a premier circuit that even some of the top European riders came for the winter. Chris would be there all circuit, continuing to rebuild his business. He’d lost his sponsor during the summer, but he still had a few good horses, including Logan, and he had picked up several clients too. Chris would be in Wellington, and so would Mary Beth. While I was stuck in Boston in the grayest weather known to man.
“So you’re worried something will happen between them?” Dr. S asked.
I leaned forward in the uncomfortable, low-budget chair that must have been all the university could afford. “What if he realizes she’s better for him than I am?”
Dr. S cocked her head. “Why would she be better for him?”
“Because she’s a grand prix rider too so she fits into his life better.”
“But when you were in Vermont, you two fit together pretty well?”
I blushed. Dr. S certainly hadn’t meant it like that but Chris and I had fit together well indeed.
“Yes, but that was in Vermont and we’re not in Vermont anymore. He’s in Pennsylvania and soon he’s going to be in Florida and I’m stuck up here. Mary Beth was the one who broke up with him. Well, he found her with another guy—or that’s what I heard anyway. So he probably still loved her and if she’s sorry maybe he’ll forgive her.”
“Do you think he could? If she cheated on him?”
“I don’t know. Maybe, or else I wouldn’t be worried about it.”
Dr. S folded her hands on her lap. “But your worry is keeping you from living your life here, it seems.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
We were silent. I looked at the clock, which was positioned so it was kind of hard for me to see and I always felt rude looking at my phone for the time. Our session was halfway over.
“Lots of people at college are in long-distance relationships and still have friends and fun on campus. Maybe you need to let yourself have a life here—worrying isn’t going to change what you and Chris have.”
Every time I went to see Dr. S, I felt a little better because of reasonable, sane statements like these that righted my world a few degrees. But then I’d leave her office and any plans I had to change faded away. A part of me thought maybe if I could just make it through to Christmas break, things would get better. I could go see Chris over break and maybe that would be enough to give me confidence in our relationship. I could spend a week or two with him in Wellington and maybe I’d go back to school in January feeling like Mary Beth wasn’t a concern. Would that make me able to go out to frat parties, or partake in any part of regular college life? I wasn’t sure.
I asked, “Do those long distance relationships work out? I mean in your experience? Or do they fall apart and the people go their separate ways eventually?”
“I don’t think there’s one pattern for long distance relationships.”
“Because it feels like the high school boyfriend-girlfriend who vow to stay together at college don’t make it through freshman year.”
“I’m not sure that’s true.”
“Okay, maybe they do, if one transfers to the other’s school.”
“Maybe the problem here is not Chris and you being together, but who you are apart from Chris?”
I looked out the one tiny window at the gray snow and sky outside. Who was I away from Chris anymore? Was I that girl before Vermont again? No, I couldn’t ever go back to being her. That was impossible. So then who was I?
* * *
Winter Circuit available on Amazon
Summer Circuit (The Show Circuit -- Book 1) Page 22
