My Head Teacher is a Vampire Rat

by Pamela Butchart

  Anyway, when we got to the Head Teacher’s office, we just stood outside the door because none of us wanted to be the one to knock.

  And that’s when we overheard the office ladies talking about Mr Graves, and how sore his face had looked. But then one of them starting talking about a PADLOCK, but we couldn’t really hear everything they were saying, because they were whispering. And then another one said, “And it’s always so dark in there. He’s a bit strange, isn’t he?” and me and Jodi looked RIGHT at each other, because we both knew that the MIND CONTROL must be wearing off!

  But then one of the office ladies spotted us, and she looked at us like we were muffin hooligans or something! And then she shook her head and said, “Wait there!” and then pointed to the Time Out chairs.

  So we were just about to sit down and wait, when Mr Graves opened his door. And we were all shocked! Because all of his blotches and blisters were gone!

  Then Mr Graves said, “In you come then, have a seat.” And I noticed that his voice didn’t sound as scary as it usually does.

  So we all went inside and sat down. And all the blinds and curtains were open, and it wasn’t dark at all.

  We all STARED at Mr Graves as he sat down at his desk. And then we watched as he took out a tube of cream and rubbed some on his hands. And that’s when I noticed that his hands were still a bit red and sore, and I felt really guilty.

  Then Mr Graves said, “So … Miss Jones tells me we have our very own Vampire Hunters in the school. Is that right?” And then he started smiling. And I noticed that he didn’t have any fangs.

  I looked at Jodi, because I didn’t know what to say, but she was just looking down at the ground, and so were Zach and Maisie. So I said, “Yes, that’s right.”

  And Mr Graves said, “And is it true that you think I’M a vampire?”

  But I didn’t say anything this time; I just nodded and looked down at the ground like everyone else was doing, because I’d already said something.

  And then Mr Graves burst out LAUGHING! And it didn’t sound creepy like I thought it would when a vampire laughed, it sounded SILLY! And his nose kept making this weird snorty sound.

  We all just STARED at him until he eventually stopped and dried his eyes with a tissue and said, “I’m sorry, but I just think that’s the FUNNIEST thing I’ve ever heard in my LIFE! I’d be the worst vampire in the world. I’m absolutely

  of the sight of blood!”

  And that’s when we all looked at each other, because we realised that that must’ve been the reason why Mr Graves acted so weird when he saw Zach’s nose blood; he was scared!

  And then Mr Graves said, “I must ask. Why on EARTH would you think that I was a vampire?!”

  So I looked at Jodi. But Jodi just did her WIDE EYES at me, which meant that she wanted ME to be the one who told Mr Graves why we thought he was a vampire. But I didn’t think that was very fair, because I had already answered two of Mr Graves’s questions, and Jodi hadn’t answered ANY, so I just did even WIDER eyes back at her until she eventually said, “There were lots of reasons.”

  And Mr Graves said, “There WERE?!” and then he started laughing again. And I was starting to think that we had DEFINTELY got it wrong, because Mr Graves seemed really surprised that anyone would think he was a vampire, and because I didn’t think he really looked like a vampire any more. And also because I didn’t think a vampire would have such a silly, snorty laugh.

  So then Jodi pointed to the creepy cape photo on the wall.

  And she said, “Why are you wearing a cape in that photo?”

  And Mr Graves said, “CAPE?” And then he turned around and looked at the photo and said, “Oh, I see. You thought that was a vampire’s cape. Well, that is actually a TEACHER’S GOWN. The first school I taught in was a very traditional school. All of the teachers had to wear them. And they were very itchy!” And then he smiled at us.

  And then Zach said, “I bet you’re glad you don’t have to wear one of those at this school.” And I couldn’t BELIEVE that Zach was saying stuff like that when we were supposed to be saying sorry for melting Mr Graves’s face!

  And Mr Graves said, “Oh yes, I’m very pleased. I really like it here!”

  And that made me feel even MORE guilty when he said that, because Mr Graves really liked it here, even though his pupils had tried to turn him to dust with a garlic muffin!

  And then Jodi explained that one of the other reasons we thought he was a vampire was because he had lots of creepy old furniture from Olden Times.

  And Mr Graves said, “These are ANTIQUES, Jodi. They are very special!” And then he got a bit excited and started telling us this LONG and BORING story about the head-with-a-bit-of-shoulders-but-no-body statue on his desk, which I think he called a BUST, but I’m not sure, because it was really boring, so I couldn’t listen to all of it.

  And then once he had finished his story, he showed us even MORE antiques that were in his drawer, and then he asked me if I liked them. And I didn’t. But I didn’t want to say that and hurt his feelings because we’d already hurt his skin, and I didn’t want to lie either, and I was a hundred per cent convinced that Mr Graves wasn’t a vampire now because we hadn’t read anywhere that vampires were this boring, so I just said, “I’m really sorry we melted your face, Mr Graves.” And I meant it.

  And Mr Graves said, “I forgive you. You weren’t to know that I was allergic to garlic. I really shouldn’t have just eaten the muffin without checking what was in it first. But I was just so pleased that you had made it for me. It was such a nice way to welcome me to your school. I must admit, I was a little nervous that no one would like me. I hear Mr Murphy was very popular!”

  And we all STARED at each other, because we were a bit shocked that Mr Graves had been so nervous, and that he had been worrying that we wouldn’t like him. And also because we didn’t really think that Mr Murphy had been very popular.

  And that’s when Jodi and Zach and Maisie all said sorry too. And Mr Graves said, “Thank you.”

  And then Zach said, “So it really is MICE in the school then, not vampire rats?”

  And I thought Mr Graves was going to burst out laughing, because if he thought vampires were so funny, then he would definitely think VAMPIRE RATS were funny!

  But he didn’t laugh, he looked a bit nervous.

  And then he said, “Yes … erm … just one or two little mice. But we’ll catch them soon, and then they’ll be rehomed. Don’t worry.”

  And that’s when Jodi said, “There weren’t any leaks in the roof, were there? You just didn’t want to tell us that there were mice in the school.”

  And Mr Graves said, “Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. We didn’t want to cause a panic.”

  And then Jodi said that she forgave him for the leak lie, and that made him smile again, but he still looked a bit weird in the face.

  And that’s when I remembered something. Something that hadn’t been explained yet.

  So I said, “Mr Graves, why did we hear hissing coming from your room?”

  And Mr Graves stopped smiling.

  And he said, “Hissing? I … I have no idea. How strange. Are you sure?”

  And then Jodi said that she’d heard it too.

  And then Mr Graves said, “Oh, I know! It must’ve been when I was pumping up my bike tyres. That’s it. No vampires hissing in here! Ha, ha.” And then he started smiling again, but it didn’t look like when he had smiled before.

  And then he got up really quickly and said, “OK, let’s get you all back to class.”

  So we got up and started walking towards the door, and that’s when Maisie pointed to where the big folded-up box that had said FRAGILE had been.

  And then she said, “What was in the big long box we saw, Mr Graves?”

  And Mr Graves froze, and his face started to go a bit red.

  And then he eventually said, “Erm … just my books. But I’m all unpacked now as you can see.” And then he pointed to his bookcase, and we
looked and saw that there were hardly ANY books in it!

  And then Mr Graves opened the door and said, “Um. You must excuse me; I have to make a call. Good day.”

  So we all said, “Good day,” back, except for Maisie, because she’d already run out the door!

  Maisie must have run REALLY fast back to the classroom, because we all ran after her our fastest, but by the time we got back up to the classroom, Maisie was already sitting down at the table searching in her bag.

  So we all went up to Miss Jones and quickly told her that we’d apologised, and that Mr Graves had accepted our apology. But we didn’t mention anything about the box and the hissing, or about how weird Mr Graves had acted when we asked about them, or about how we were sure he was a vampire again.

  Then when we got back to our table, Maisie had something on around her neck. And it was a garlic necklace. And it was stinking.

  And then Jodi said, “Maisie! Hide that! Miss Jones will go mad!”

  So Maisie tucked the smelly necklace inside her shirt.

  Then she said, “Did you see his face when I asked about the box?”

  And we nodded.

  And Maisie said, “Do you know what I think was in that box?”

  And we all looked at each other and nodded again, because we knew.

  And that’s when Maisie opened her pencil case and took out another three garlic necklaces. And we all took them and put them on right away. Because we all knew that what had been in the box was Mr Graves’s COFFIN!

  At break, we went to the school reception and hid behind the pot plant, because that was the plan. We were going to prove once and for all that Mr Graves WAS a vampire with a vampire-rat army, and that he wanted to drink our blood and take over the school.

  We knew what we had to do. We needed to break into Mr Graves’s office, find his coffin, take a photo of it with Zach’s mobile phone, and then show it to Miss Jones so that she would believe us and phone the police, or the government, or the real army. That was our only option.

  So we waited until the office ladies weren’t looking, and we ran across the reception and sneaked into the Head Teacher’s office. I was a bit scared that Mr Graves was actually going to be in there when we sneaked in, but he wasn’t. And Jodi had said that he wouldn’t be, because she said that ALL the teachers DEFINITELY go to the staff room at morning break, and that it was a RULE if you were a teacher, so all the teachers had to go, even the head.

  So as soon as we got in, we started searching for a secret passageway, or a trap door, that led to where Mr Graves kept the coffin that he slept in. But we couldn’t find anything.

  And then Maisie pointed to the cupboard door. And I’d never really thought about the coffin being in a cupboard, because I just thought it would be somewhere more secret than that, like down a set of secret stairs under Mr Graves’s big desk. But this was no ordinary cupboard. There was something very suspicious about this cupboard. It had a PADLOCK on it! And that’s when we realised that it must be the same padlock that the office ladies had been gossiping about!

  Then Zach said, “That’s it! That’s where he keeps it!”

  And then I said that we needed to find the key, and

  before he came back and caught us.

  So we started opening all the drawers and searching for the key, but we couldn’t find it anywhere, and then Jodi said, “Look!” and she held up a set of CAR KEYS.

  And then she said, “He doesn’t have a BIKE! He drives a CAR to school!”

  And that’s when I noticed a tiny little key hanging on the key chain.

  So I grabbed the keys out of Jodi’s hand and ran over to the cupboard and put it in the padlock. And it worked!

  But then Zach said, “What if he’s in there? Sleeping?”

  And we all thought about that for a moment. But then Jodi just grabbed the handle and pulled down really hard and fast before we could do anything. And the door opened.

  It was so dark inside the cupboard that we really couldn’t see anything.

  And then Zach said, “Find the light.” But we couldn’t, so we had to walk inside a bit and feel our way around, and it felt like a REALLY BIG cupboard, because even though I was putting both of my arms out, I couldn’t feel anything.

  And then we all heard it at the same time. Hissing!

  And Jodi started screaming, “He’s in the coffin! HE’S IN THE COFFIN! GET OUT! GET OUT!” But it was too dark, and I tried to get out, but both me and Zach tripped on Maisie, who was lying on the ground because she’d fainted. And then the hissing started to get even louder, and I reached out to grab Jodi and felt the light switch on the wall, and Zach was screaming and crying for his mum, so I just hit the light switch, and that’s when we saw the giant

  We all just stood there screaming and staring at the giant snake! And then we all kind of realised at the same time that the snake was trapped in a glass tank, and that we probably weren’t going to die.

  And then Jodi said, “Is that MR GRAVES?!”

  And me and Zach didn’t know WHAT to say, and Maisie was still out cold on the floor. And then we heard another scream, and we turned around and saw Mr Graves standing in the doorway!

  And he said, “Oh no! You found Mary!”

  And I gasped and jumped a bit when he said it, because I thought that maybe there was ANOTHER vampire in the cupboard, a lady one, called Mary. But then Mr Graves ran over to the giant snake and put his hand in the tank and said, “Ssssh, Mary. There, there. Did you get a little fright, my beautiful lady?”

  And Jodi’s mouth was hanging wide open, because she was probably shocked that the giant snake was called Mary, and also because there even WAS a giant snake in the new Head Teacher’s cupboard!

  And then the snake stopped hissing, and kind of curled up in the corner of its huge tank and went to sleep.

  And then Maisie started to wake up, so we grabbed her and got her out of the cupboard as quickly as possible, because we didn’t want her to see Mary.

  Then Mr Graves put out the cupboard light and shut the door.

  And then he said, “I’m sorry. I hope Mary didn’t scare you. I owe you an explanation.”

  And we all just stared at him, because we didn’t know WHAT he was going to say. And that’s when Mr Graves told us that Mary was his pet. And that he’d had her for over ten years. And that he couldn’t keep Mary at his house any more, because his fiancée had come to live with him, and she was terrified of snakes.

  And then he looked really sad, and a bit like he was going to start crying.

  And that’s when I realised that it had been MARY we’d heard hissing when we were standing outside Mr Graves’s office. And that MARY was the beautiful lady Mr Graves had been talking to!

  “She really is a wonderful snake,” said Mr Graves. “She didn’t mean any harm when she hissed at you like that. She just doesn’t like the strong light, you see.”

  And then he started biting his nails, like Mum does when she’s scared or nervous about something. And I knew that Mr Graves was probably biting his nails because he was worried that we were going to tell someone and that he was going to get into

  for having a SNAKE in the school.

  So we all looked at each other, and I felt really bad for Mr Graves, and for Mary, because they obviously loved each other, and it wasn’t fair what was happening to them. And the only reason Mr Graves had lied to us was because he was trying to protect Mary.

  So I said, “You should just keep her here, in your cupboard. We won’t tell anyone.”

  But Mr Graves said that he would get into

  if the council found out that Mary was on school premises, and that she couldn’t stay here any longer.

  And then Zach said, “I’ll take her.”

  And that must’ve cheered Mr Graves up, because he smiled and laughed a bit.

  And then he said, “Thanks, Zach. But Mary has already been adopted. Someone who keeps exotic animals is coming to collect her early tomorrow morning.”


  And I felt so sad for Mr Graves, because if Mum or Dad ever said to me that they were terrified of our two cats, and that we had to put them up for adoption, I would definitely cry forever. And then I’d probably just take the cats and move into Zach’s house downstairs.

  So that’s when we knew for sure that Mr Graves wasn’t a vampire. And that he was just a Head Teacher who was allergic to garlic and kept a giant snake called Mary in his cupboard.

  So before we all left to go to class, we told Mr Graves that we wouldn’t tell

  about Mary. And that we were sorry he had to give her up. And Mr Graves said thank you. And we said that it was OK, and we said thank you again to him too, for forgiving us about the garlic muffin.

  But then Maisie said, “Mr Graves…” And we all got a bit of a surprise, because we thought Maisie would be too scared to talk after hearing all about Mary, but she wasn’t.

  And then she said, “Mary is a very large snake. What does she eat?”

  And Mr Graves’s cheeks went a bit pink again, and I was scared it was because he was about to say that Mary drank blood!

  But then Mr Graves said, “Err, well, she eats lots of things, actually.”

  And then Maisie said, “Does she eat mice?”

  And Mr Graves’s cheeks went even REDDER.

  And he said, “Yes.”

  And then Maisie whispered, “Live mice?”

  And Mr Graves nodded, and looked down at the ground.