by Tanya Savory
“I know it hasn’t been easy these past weeks, but I’m doing what I can. Okay?”
“Well that’s not enough, Mom,” Angel grumbled, turning away so she didn’t have to see her mother’s glistening eyes. Mom tried to hug her, and as much as she missed her mother’s embrace, Angel felt as if it wasn’t meant for her. That if Mom knew the truth, she might never want to hug her again. The knowledge was like an invisible wall that Mom’s touch couldn’t pierce.
“Is that what this is all about?” Mom asked finally. “Dad and me?”
Angel took a deep breath. The wall between them seemed to thicken. Angel didn’t want to lie, but she couldn’t say the words anchored to the tip of her tongue. “I think I’m gay, Mom.”
Instead she nodded, feeling her mother’s arms on her shoulders. Her touch almost burned.
“So where did you go?” Mom asked rubbing her back. “I mean, when you left school.”
“East Park,” Angel admitted. “I went to sit on the bench where Dad and I used to sit.”
Dionne emerged at the doorway to her room. “You went to East Park without me?” she moaned. “Why? I wanted to go, too.”
Mom’s eyes widened at the mention of the park. It was as if she had just remembered something important, something she had forgotten long ago.
“You told me you’d take me, Angel,” Dionne said as she came into the living room holding her crumpled elephant. “Remember the day before Momma got really mad and broke the dishes?”
Mom took a deep breath as if she had just surfaced out of water. She gazed at Dionne’s sad face and then at Angel. Then she glanced around the apartment, first toward the overflowing ashtrays, then at the dusty table, the laundry piled on the floor, the dirty dishes in the sink, the empty wine bottle next to the sofa. Tears welled in her eyes and her shoulders slumped. Angel had never seen her mother look so defeated.
Watching her, Angel felt guilty about her outburst. “I’m sorry, Mom,” she said, unsure how to comfort her.
“Me too, Momma,” Dionne added, giving her a hug and then handing her the old elephant, as if it could help her feel better. Mom smiled and cried at the same time.
“No, don’t you two apologize to me. You didn’t do anything wrong. I couldn’t ask for better girls. You just reminded me of that,” she said, wiping her eyes. “All this is me. I created it. I need to deal with it.” Mom looked around the messy apartment as if she were seeing it for the first time. A hush spread over them for a few moments.
Dionne finally broke the silence.
“Why don’t we all go to East Park?” she asked. “You too, Momma. It’ll make us all feel better. It always does. We can get ice cream, too.”
“Now?” said Angel.
Mom gave a teary smile.
“I can’t, baby. I’ve got a few things I need to do around here right now. Why don’t you two go, if Angel’s okay with it? Be home by 6:30. Next time, I’ll come along,” she said, looking soberly at the apartment. “I promise.”
“Can we go, Angel? Can we go?” Dionne begged.
Angel smiled at her little sister and gave her a hug. “Let’s do it.”
Dionne cheered.
“I got a dance I want to teach you, too, once we get there,” Angel added.
Mom stopped Angel at the door before she left. “I don’t know why anyone would ever pick on you,” she said, her eyes still glistening. “If they had any sense, they’d see there ain’t a better big sister or daughter in the world. Y’hear me? Thank you for taking care of us these past few weeks.”
Mom hugged her then. Angel returned the embrace, but she still felt the pang inside, as if something were missing, the hug incomplete. Will it always be this way from now on? Angel wondered. There was a part of her that Mom didn’t know about, and it ached, unloved, as she closed the door.
From the hallway, Angel heard the muffled roar of their old vacuum cleaner coming to life.
Angel could barely believe the transformation when they returned from the park. In less than two hours, Mom had cleaned up everything.
The living room furniture glimmered. Gospel music drifted from the radio in the kitchen. All the front windows were open, allowing the late-spring breeze to circulate through the once musty rooms. The piles of laundry were gone, and the washing machine whirred and churned in the background.
“Wow!” Dionne said in amazement as she looked around.
Angel noticed the table was set for dinner. Mom emerged from the kitchen carrying a large pot of steaming spaghetti and sauce. Fresh rolls were piled on a cookie sheet next to where Angel usually sat. Butter was on the table, too.
“You made dinner?!” Dionne exclaimed. “It’s like the old days, Angel!”
“I didn’t have time to get much,” Mom said. “But I’ll do a bigger grocery trip tomorrow.”
“Mom, this looks great,” Angel said, realizing she was hungry. In all the excitement of the day, she had barely eaten.
“Girls, I want to apologize for how I’ve been acting these past few weeks,” Mom said as she passed the food around the table.
“You mean because you’ve been so grouchy and sleepy?” Dionne asked bluntly. “And upset all the time?”
Angel would have laughed if the topic weren’t so serious and her mother didn’t seem so nervous.
“That’s right, baby,” Mom agreed, patting Dionne’s hand and explaining how sad she had been about the split-up with Dad. “He is moving in with his new girlfriend just a block away, and I . . . I can’t be near that. It’s not good for me or for you girls, either.”
“What are you saying, Mom?” asked Angel.
“For a while I’ve been thinking about moving to the other side of the city. Your Dad just pushed up the timeline. I know a neighborhood where we’d be closer to the beach and my job. It’s got good schools, too. Bluford High for you, Angel. You could get a brand-new start away from those kids. Plus they got a nice afterschool program for you, Dionne, at a place called Little Learning Spot. There’s even a supermarket nearby—”
“You mean we’re moving?” Dionne interrupted.
“Not too far away,” Mom assured her. “You could still visit Dad or East Park, but I think a change would do us good.”
“Could we go to the beach on weekends?” Dionne asked hopefully. “And maybe ride that merry-go-round I went on last year?”
“Sure,” Mom said with a grin. “It would take some adjusting, but I think the three of us might like it. What do you think, Angel?”
A brand new start. The words bounced through Angel’s mind like lines from a poem. It was an answer, a way to escape from her ruined reputation, the stares, the comments, and the snickers. A way to regain her privacy and avoid being another “Jeremy” at Lincoln High.
Sure, she would lose Sharice for good, but that friendship was already ruined. Then there was Justice, the one person who made her actually want to stay at Lincoln. But that connection wouldn’t have to end, Angel figured. She wouldn’t let it. They wouldn’t be that far away.
“Angel?” Mom asked.
Next year beckoned like a blank page in her mind, an entry not yet written, a place where she could try whatever she wanted without anyone laughing at her.
Step dancing. Maybe even cheer-leading. Or something else?
Her thoughts soared with possibilities.
“It sounds great, Mom,” she said. And she meant it.
Later that night, Angel sat hunched over her notebook revising her poetry assignment for Mr. Collins’s class when her phone rang. She didn’t recognize the number.
“Hello?”
“Hey Angel. It’s Win. Sorry to bother you. I just, well, I didn’t see you in school after everything . . . and I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine,” Angel said hesitantly, curious to know what he had heard.
“I’m sorry about what happened.” Win stammered as he spoke. She could picture him running his hand nervously through his hair. “I didn’t want
you to think I was mad or anything.”
She didn’t know how to respond. Did he believe what was going on? She wanted to know but was afraid to ask. There was a long pause. “Thanks,” she finally said.
“Look, Angel. I know what LaDonna and Sharice are saying, and I just wanted to tell you that none of that matters to me, okay? I . . . I hope we can still be friends.”
Angel sighed with surprise and relief. “Of course, Win! I’m so glad you still want to be friends with me, especially after all that drama.”
“You mean after my excellent display of fighting skills?” he joked. “Seriously, if you still want to go to the party, we can go together, as friends. But it’s cool if you don’t want to.”
“Well, I’d like to go with you, Win,” Angel admitted. “But after everything, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Besides, I was supposed to go with Trey, Sharice, and Marcus. I doubt that’s gonna happen now, but I think it’s better for everybody if I just stay home.”
“Well, I don’t think Sharice and Marcus are even going anymore,” Win said. “They were arguing after school today. It was bad. I doubt those two wanna be anywhere together.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I figured I’d let you know in case you were still making plans,” Win explained.
They spoke for a few more minutes, and Angel fought an urge to call Sharice and find out what happened. But each time she looked at her journal, she could hear Sharice telling her secrets to La-Donna. The betrayal still stung like an open wound.
“Let me get back to you about the party. Is that okay?”
“Sure, Angel,” Win said, sounding both relieved and disappointed.
“And no matter what, Win, thanks,” Angel said shyly. “Thanks for being my friend.”
Chapter 10
Angel felt knots in her stomach as she left her apartment the next morning. It was the last day of middle school. The final time she would have to face everyone again. The last day with LaDonna. It almost didn’t seem real.
Out of habit, Angel looked for Sharice on the corner of Greene Street. A twinge of sadness stabbed at her as she gazed down Sharice’s block, remembering the countless times they had walked together. Part of her still couldn’t believe what happened.
“I would never have done that to you, Sharice,” Angel mumbled, passing by the lonely corner.
“Hey, Angel!” came a familiar voice from the other side of the street. “Hurry up!”
Angel looked up to see Justice. She had come to meet her!
“C’mon. You can’t be late on our last day,” she said, with a flip of her braids. “Can you believe it? We’re done after this!”
“No, I can’t,” Angel replied, grateful to not have to walk alone on the final day of school. “It doesn’t seem real that we’re done with middle school.”
“I know, right?! But really all we’re doin’ is movin’ down the street,” Justice said, glancing toward Lincoln High. “I wonder if we’ll be in the same classes next year.”
“I doubt it,” Angel confessed. “It looks like my family is moving this summer. If we do, I’m going to Bluford.”
“For real?” Justice’s smile suddenly twisted into a frown. “Why?”
“My parents just split up. My dad and his new girlfriend are moving to our neighborhood. My mom can’t handle that. She needs a fresh start somewhere else.” Angel paused. “I can’t blame her. To be honest, I kinda feel the same way.”
“I’m sorry about your parents, girl.” Justice shook her head somberly as they paused at a traffic light. “That’s just wrong for like a hundred different reasons.”
“It is,” Angel agreed. “But I keep telling myself it might be good to start fresh, you know? Get away from all this. No one knows me there. Maybe at Bluford things will be different. Maybe I’ll even try something new like . . .” Angel glanced at Justice and wondered if she would laugh at her. “Like cheerleading, even.”
“You totally should!” Justice said. “You’re a natural at stepping. After stepping, cheering should be easy. Bluford’ll get a whole new Angel,” she said with a grin.
“That’s gotta be better than the old one, right?”
Justice’s grin faded.
“That’s not what I meant, Angel. What I’m saying is you don’t need to hide the real you. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. My grandma told me that every day when kids teased me about my hair or my skin. For some, I was too light. For others, I was too dark. Whatever. This is what I am. This is how God made me,” she said, pointing to her face. “The new Angel is who you are. Just be you.”
Angel nodded. She knew Justice was right, but even so she wished she could be her “real” self when she was ready— not when some bully announced it to the whole school. She wouldn’t let that happen at Bluford, where there might be other LaDonnas. Or worse.
“Yeah, well, I’m not sure everyone’s ready for the new Angel,” she said, eyeing a group of students walking to school ahead of them. Lincoln High loomed to their right like a fortress.
“That’s their problem, not yours,” Justice said. “Anyway, when you make the cheerleading team, I’m comin’ to watch you cheer.”
“For real?” Angel asked, touched by her words. “You’d do that?”
“Why not? We’re friends, right?”
Angel couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, but I gotta make the team first.”
“Please, Angel. I’ll make sure you’re ready. We got this.”
“I don’t know. It’s not always about how you move,” Angel replied. She struggled to picture herself as a cheerleader. “Girls like me . . . don’t really get to be cheerleaders.”
“Girls like you? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know . . .,” Angel said, meeting Justice’s gaze. “Besides, I’m not popular or pretty. I’m not like Sharice or LaDonna—”
“At least you don’t wear lipstick on your teeth,” Justice snorted.
“I’m serious,” Angel replied. “You know there’s gonna be another LaDonna at Bluford.”
“So?” Justice snapped as they made the final turn toward the middle school. “If there is, she doesn’t get to decide what you can or can’t do. Back in the day, it was that way, but not anymore. Girls like you or me or whoever, we have a chance. That’s why you gotta at least try. And if you don’t, I’m gonna get mad at you, Angel McAllister,” she added, her eyes somehow playful and serious at the same time.
“Well, then, I guess I’m tryin’ out for cheerleading next year,” Angel said.
“Good. You better!” Justice replied as they entered Lincoln Middle and headed in opposite directions. “See you in history.”
The main corridor was louder and felt more packed than ever. The final day seemed to give everyone an extra jolt of excitement. Lockers crashed and thudded as students shouted to each other on the way to class.
Angel darted through the crowded hallway, hoping to slip by unnoticed. With each step, she braced herself for stares, whispers, and jokes, but no one approached her.
“Just one day,” she repeated to herself as she ducked her head down and moved toward her locker. That’s when she saw Omar smirking at her from across the hall.
“There she is!” Omar said with an ugly sneer. “Miss me?” He made wet kissing noises, but then stopped suddenly.
“You got a problem?” A deep voice growled from behind her. She turned around to see Marcus weaving toward her.
Omar hesitated and appeared confused. Several kids stopped to see what was happening. “Just jokin’ around, bro.” He shrugged. “Ain’t no big thing.”
“Yeah, well your joke ain’t funny,” Marcus snapped, glaring at Omar.
“Sorry.”
“You better be. Next time you got something to say to her, you say it to me,” Marcus growled. “You hear me?”
Omar nodded. A teacher approached from the end of the hallway and students dispersed.
“Thanks, Marcus,” Angel said, almost too s
urprised to speak. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“Yes, I did,” Marcus grumbled. “I heard all about what’s goin’ on, and it ain’t right. I can’t believe Sharice would think I’d be down with what she and LaDonna did to you. She got me all wrong. I’m done with her. Done.”
Angel remembered what Win had said about Marcus and Sharice fighting. She felt a twinge of guilt about them breaking up. Wherever she was, Sharice would be devastated. Angel was sure of it.
“Sorry about you and Sharice,” she said, surprised he was so angry about what Sharice had done.
“I’m not!” Marcus said with a laugh. “It’s all good. I mean, I shoulda known after that crazy text she sent Trey. I shoulda started running in the other direction right then.”
Overhead, the first period warning bell rang out.
“Anyway, I’ll see you later, Angel,” he said, heading off to class. “Let me know if anyone else messes with you. They’ll have to deal with me,” he added as he disappeared down the hall.
Angel felt stunned as she made her way to class. Her classmates had heard the rumors, and yet their reactions were unlike anything she had expected.
They know, she marveled to herself as she entered the classroom, and some of them don’t care. She could hardly believe it. They know, and it’s okay.
Justice sat next to Angel in history class, instead of her usual spot across the room. LaDonna avoided them completely. Instead, she sat with her arms crossed, glaring out the window as if her neck were somehow locked in that position.
As Ms. Warner handed out their graded exams, Win leaned over and whispered.
“Angel, I’m going to the party with Jazelle Thompson. She actually asked me! Can you believe it?”
“That is hard to believe,” Justice answered with a playful grin.
“I know!” Win agreed, his eyes widening as he spoke. “She even said I was brave when I stood up for you.”
“She’s right, Win,” Angel replied. “She’s lucky she gets to go with you. I mean that.”
Win blushed and shrugged awkwardly just as Ms. Warner began class.
