“No, it doesn’t, baby. You like letting go and giving up control. You told me once that you’ve always been afraid to give in to your desires, but you just did, and you enjoyed it.”
“I…I’ve never ever come like that before. Your finger…”
“It’s okay to like that too. There isn’t anything wrong with a little anal stimulation,” I insist.
“But, it’s so…”
“So what? Hot? Because I happen to like it too.”
“You do?” she asks, sounding surprised.
“Yes, I like anal and I like dominating you and I’ve liked every sexual encounter that we’ve had. So if there’s something wrong with you, then there’s something wrong with me. Do you think that there’s something wrong with me, Ash?” I know I’m on the cusp of breaking down that last bit of wall still standing.
“No.”
“And I see nothing wrong with you. You’re perfection, and so is what we do. You’re so far from prude you aren’t even on the same continent. Come on. Let me take you to bed. You’ve had a long, emotional day, and you’ll have better clarity in the morning,” I say, holding her more tightly in my arms and standing to head toward the stairs.
By the time I get to the bedroom, she’s nearly passed out. I grab a towel out of the hamper on my way past it. Then I pull back the covers and lay her on the bed. Gently, I wipe her clean and then myself since we’re both still a sticky mess. After cleaning us off, I crawl into bed next to her and pull her to my chest. I wrap both arms around her and squeeze.
“Thank you,” she whispers.
“For what?”
“For being you, for being patient, for always knowing just what I need… For making me happy.”
“That’s all I want to do—make you happy,” I say, kissing her forehead.
“Well, you’re doing a damn good job.” She yawns as sleep takes hold.
Thank God for that. Thank God for bringing me this amazing woman.
Chapter 24
ASHLEY
I wake with the feeling that I’m being watched. Still cocooned in a warm mass of muscle, I’m very comfortable. I don’t want to open my eyes, but curiosity gets the better of me. I find a pair of green eyes staring back at me.
“Hi,” Tanner says, sounding awake and alert.
“Hi. How long have you been watching me?” My voice is so gravely it sounds as though I have a mouth full of rocks.
“God, you sound so sexy in the morning.” His voice holds no note of irony.
“And you look like a creeper in the morning. Why are you just staring at me? Oh my God, do I have drool on my face or something?” I ask, pulling up my arm to wipe my mouth.
Tanner throws his head back and laughs. “No, you don’t have drool on your face.”
“Then why are you starting at me in my sleep like that, weirdo?” I draw the sheet up to my mouth to cover my morning breath.
“Honestly?” he asks, his face serious as he props his head on his hand.
“No, tell me a lie instead,” I answer sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
“Ha ha ha, smart ass… I was afraid of how you’d react this morning, so I didn’t want to you to wake up alone.” He uses his free hand to brush the hair back from my face.
“How sweet! A thoughtful creeper.” I smile broadly.
“How are you feeling this morning?”
“I’m fine,” I say, looking away.
“Are you fine? Last night was pretty rough and intense.”
“I know it was, but I don’t want yesterday to ruin today.”
“Baby, I won’t let last night ruin today, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t need to talk about it. We have to talk about it. If we sweep shit under the rug, it’s going to come back and bite us in the ass later. Good relationships are built on trust and communication. Especially with the doubts that you have about yourself.”
“So you’re a relationship expert now?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.
“I want to be an expert in you… In every way possible. But for that, I need you to talk to me about last night.”
“Last night was a fucking roller coaster. If you want honesty, my feelings are probably still a little hurt.” He looks as though he’s going to interrupt.
“Stop,” I say. “I know that you didn’t mean it, but you wanted to know the truth. It still hurts, but I think that has more to do with me than you. A lot of this is hard for me to say out loud, so you need to just bear with me.” He nods for me to continue.
“I don’t think I ever really loved Jason. I was madder about the mess he left for me to clean up than I was about actually losing him. A lot of that mess was in my head. I told you about college… There’s such a double standard when it comes to sex. You can go out and fuck as many girls as you want, however you want, and you’re the man. The guys want to be you, and the girls want to be fucked by you. If I do that, I’m nothing but a slut. The guys all gossip about me, and the girls all tear me down with nasty names.
“Now if you throw in the fact that I want to be fucked hard and rough, it’s not easy to admit openly. That’s not to say I don’t like if soft and sensual, but it’s just these fantasies that I’ve always had in my head. I just wanted to explore those desires, and the one time I did, I got an earful about how dirty and slutty I am. From then on out, I played it safe and went with the flow of whatever other people wanted. And what did that get me? A cheating boyfriend who tells me it’s my fault he has his dick in someone else because I’m boring and prude. Do you know what that does to a girl’s self-image? I’m damned if I do, and I’m damned if I don’t.
“Then you come along and you’re the hottest guy on the planet and you show interest in me? Me? I’m nobody, Tanner, and you’re you.”
“You’re somebody to me,” he says with sincerity.
“I’m getting that. I really am, but I’m still a work in progress. Then last night, with you all making fun of me because I don’t own a butt plug and you telling everyone to leave your prude girlfriend alone. My mind automatically went to that place where I’m a nobody again, worried that you’re going to get bored with me like he did. I couldn’t keep that loser happy. How the hell am I supposed to keep you happy?” A few tears slide down my cheeks.
“I am happy. Happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve never had a real relationship before, so you aren’t the only one learning things, baby. But I need you to understand that I don’t look at you the way you look at yourself. I think you’re amazing. I’ve never had a negative thought about you when it comes to sex, and I’m sure as hell not thinking about fucking anyone else. Christ, I’ve only slept with Melissa for the past six years. I’m not a womanizer, no matter what you’ve read.
“But that being said, I also need you to tell me when things go too far.” He looks me in the eye to impress the point. “I panicked last night when I saw you crying. I thought that I’d hurt you, and God, I can’t tell you how horrible I felt for those few minutes. I don’t ever want to hurt you. So please tell me that you’ll never hesitate to say no if you aren’t comfortable with something. I like fucking you raw. I like fucking you every which way possible, but I know that you’re exploring all these things for the first time, and I need you to know it’s okay for you not to like something. I won’t think any less of you. The same goes for liking something,” he says, while wiggling his eyebrows.
I let out a laugh and then assault him with kisses. Kissing quickly turns into a whole other activity. An hour later, we’re in the shower, cleaning up the mess we’ve made of each other yet again.
“Stop that, we are supposed to be cleaning up, not getting dirtier,” I tell Tanner when he gets preoccupied soaping up certain parts of my body.
“I can’t help myself around you.” He smiles devilishly.
I push up on my tiptoes to kiss him. “Thank you for being you. I know I said that last night, but you really are amazing. Not many guys would be willing to deal with my baggage, but you not only deal with it, you
help me work through it. For a guy with no experience, you’re damn good at this boyfriend thing. Is there anything that you don’t do well?”
“I’m sure there’s plenty. I just haven’t found any of it yet.” He says with a cocky smile.
**********
After another round of sex in the shower, Tanner and I get ready to head out to Jones Beach on Long Island for the fall festival. Quinn and Alex are supposed to meet us there later. If I’d been told last night that I’d have face cramps from smiling so much this morning, I wouldn’t have believed it. But here I am with face cramps because I’m on cloud nine, all thanks to my wonderful, passionate boyfriend.
“So, what are we supposed to be doing at this festival?” Tanner asks over breakfast.
“Nothing specific. I just need to explore it and find some noteworthy things to write about. Basically, we just need to have a good afternoon.”
The drive to the festival takes nearly two hours, but it’s a fun two hours. Tanner and I share stories from our childhoods and laugh at each other a lot. We also fight over the radio and what songs we want to listen to. We decide to go old school and listen to the 90’s station. He can’t stop laughing as I sing along to the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe”. He also finds my rendition of “Baby Got Back” hysterical.
“Oh, shut up, I know you remember all the words too,” I tell him whenever he points out how into a song I’m getting. I get my chance to make fun of him when I catch him rapping “Ice Ice Baby.” He never misses a beat. Today definitely beats the last time I was caught in traffic…
When we get to the festival, I’m instantly reminded of a county fair back in Jersey. The parking lot is already full, and Tanner apologizes profusely about having to walk what seems like a mile to the entrance.
“A little walking isn’t going kill to us. Or are you that out of shape after one week off, Superstar?” I tease, using Quinn’s nickname for him.
“No, I’m not out of shape, smartass. I was just trying to be a proper a date and not force you to exert yourself.”
I laugh. “When have you done anything proper with me or kept me from exerting myself?” I shoot him a suggestive look.
“Keep that up and you’ll be exerting yourself all by your lonesome tonight, baby,” he says.
“Hmm, I’m sure replacement Tanner misses me anyhow.”
“Oh really?”
“Yup,” I say, popping the p.
“Okay then, let’s see how long you can last without the real Tanner.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“I would,” he states matter-of-factly. Then he laughs. “You’re right, I probably wouldn’t. It’s not like I can keep my dick in my pants around you.”
“Good to know… Very good to know.”
I flash my press badge when we reach the gate, and Tanner and I are waved in. The place is huge. There are a few rides, including a Ferris wheel. There are also plenty of food stands, each one selling a different fall-inspired treat: candy apples, pumpkin pies, pumpkin cheesecake—basically anything pumpkin. A few stands offer assortments of jams and locally grown vegetables. Others have games, like bobbing for apples. One booth even has a face painter, as well as an area for kids to paint pumpkins.
Tanner and I walk around for about an hour, checking out different things, and we don’t even make a dent in everything there is to do here. We decide to take a ride on the Ferris wheel while we wait for Quinn and Alex, who’ve just texted to say they’ll be here in about twenty minutes.
“You know we have to kiss when we stop at the top,” I tell Tanner.
“You expect me to stop at just a kiss?”
“Well, considering it’s broad daylight and there are children present, yes.” I smile smugly at him.
“I can’t even cop a feel? What a lame Ferris Wheel ride.” He pouts.
“You copped plenty of feels this morning, mister. I think you’ll survive.”
“Barely,” he insists.
When the Ferris wheel stops at the top, Tanner remains the consummate gentleman and settles for just a kiss. Quinn and Alex are standing by the ride exit, waiting for us when we get off.
“Hey, guys,” we each say, greeting them.
“Hey,” they both reply, sounding a little apprehensive, probably due to last night’s fiasco.
“Sorry again about yesterday, Ash,” Alex says sheepishly.
“No biggie. Let’s forget it and move on. We have.” I smile at Tanner, who responds by wrapping an arm around me and pulling me close.
“You still mad at me?” Quinn asks, a hint of sadness in her voice.
“No, but next time I’m kicking your scrawny ass.” I grin at her.
“Sure, you can try, bitch.” She smiles back, and just like that, all is right again between us.
The four of us wander around, taking in all the sights. Tanner and I fill them in on the things we’ve already seen and done when Quinn gets distracted by a row of booths showcasing this year’s hot fall fashions. She drags me over to the different booths while the boys follow along dutifully.
“Okay, what’s the deal with you and Alex? Have you guys been together since last night?” I ask Quinn when there is enough distance between us and the guys for them not to overhear.
“Do you mean have we been fucking like rabbits since last night? Then yes.”
“You don’t do repeats, Quinn. What’s up?”
“Nothing. He’s not really a repeat repeat. It’s only the second time we’ve gotten together,” she says evasively.
That’s as far as I get with questioning her because suddenly we hear a feminine voice behind us call out, “Tanner! Alex! What are you doing here?”
I turn to see who it is, and when I set eyes on her, I don’t have to wonder. There’s no way I’d mistake the stunning woman hugging my boyfriend for anyone else. After all, I’ve seen countless photos of them together spanning the last six years… Melissa.
“Ashley’s covering the festival for work, so we decided to make a day of it,” Tanner answers.
“How cute. Where is she?” Melissa asks.
“Hi,” I say as I approach, my voice sounding meek. Dammit. I can’t let myself seem weak or intimidated by her.
“Hi,” Melissa says enthusiastically. “It’s so nice to finally meet you. Tanner has been hogging you all to himself.”
“Nice to meet you too, Melissa.” I smile at her.
“Hi, I’m Quinn,” my best friend says, sticking her hand out to shake Melissa’s. No one but me could have told she wasn’t happy about Melissa’s appearance.
“What am I? Chopped liver?” Alex asks.
“Of course not. Hello, Alex baby,” she coos.
“Looking’ fine as usual, Melissa,” Alex says, hugging her.
“Shut up, asshole,” Melissa replies to him with a smile.
“Warm and cuddly as usual too.” Alex laughs.
“So what are you doing here?” Tanner asks Melissa, pulling me to him.
She waves absentmindedly at the boutique booths behind us. “Working, of course.”
“There’s no shopping here,” Tanner teases, grinning.
“You know I don’t shop for a living, Tag,” she says, emphasizing the nickname that only she and Alex use.
“What do you do?” Quinn asks.
“I’m a fashion merchandiser,” she answers.
“How cool,” I say. “Quinn loves to shop”
“You don’t?” Melissa asks in a horrified tone.
“No, not really,” I answer quietly, suddenly feeling less womanly for not enjoying shopping. I don’t like the way this woman makes me feel as though I’m being scrutinized. Quinn subtly elbows me, and I know exactly why. It’s her way of telling me to buck up and not let Melissa make me feel inferior.
“You have to be the first woman I’ve ever met who doesn’t like to shop.” Melissa laughs. “I love it so much I’ve made a living out of fashion. But listen, I have to run. Ashley, it was so great to finally meet you. Enj
oy the rest of your day, guys.”
“Bye, babe,” Alex says with a wave.
“Bye, Melissa,” Tanner says, letting go of me to hug her good-bye.
“Bye, nice meeting you too,” I say.
Quinn tugs me forward while the guys finish up their good-byes, “Don’t trust that bitch, Sweets. She’s as fake as they come. And don’t you ever let her intimidate you again. She may be hot, but you’re hotter. Her hot comes from an hour of hair and makeup. Yours comes from waking up in the morning.”
That’s as far as we get on the subject before the guys come back over and we all decide to get something to eat before heading back to Jersey. I try not to let the encounter bother me, but Melissa rubs me the wrong way. She’s nothing like Tanner described. Instead of cool and down to Earth, she seems bitchy and condescending. The fact that he fucked her and only her for six years makes me worry.
The ride home isn’t as fun as the ride out to the fair, and I’m sure Tanner senses something’s bothering me.
As if on cue he asks, “What’s wrong, baby?”
“Nothing, just a little tired. Someone wore me out last night and again this morning,” I explain, hoping to distract him from my mood.
“You didn’t have any objections.” He smiles.
“I never do when it comes to you.”
“Did you have a good day?” he asks.
“I did. It was nice to finally meet Melissa. She’s much prettier in person.”
“She’s a very attractive woman, but she’s got nothing on you, if that’s what you’re getting at, baby.”
Man, he’s perceptive.
“Thank you,” I say, offering him a smile. “You know, you never told me the reason you ended up only being with her for so long.”
“Well, it wasn’t always that way,” he explains. “I had a lot of fun in college, slept around a lot. You know, normal college guy shit. Up until the draft. As you already know, I was a super high draft pick, and it was an important time in my life. Some chick I’d only slept with once the week before the draft showed up right after the draft claiming I’d knocked her up.”
“Oh my God.” I gasp. He’s never mentioned a kid to me before.
Inhibitions Page 21
