by Keeland, Vi
“Of course not. But you deserve to be happy . . . and Mrs. Maxwell would have wanted you to be.”
I laughed. “Mrs. Maxwell would not have been happy that I was ogling the cute blonde dog trainer, Mags. If you think otherwise, then you didn’t know my wife very well.”
“I’m sorry.” She shook her head. “I shouldn’t have pried.”
“I know you mean well. But I’ve finally developed a groove. And that doesn’t include anything serious when it comes to dating or relationships. I barely have time for my daughter.”
She shut her eyes and nodded. “Understood. As long as you’re happy.”
I wasn’t gonna touch that comment. “Happy” wasn’t exactly the right word. Stable, maybe. Holding things together, maybe. Not burning down the house, maybe. But happy? There wasn’t any time for happy. Happy didn’t live here anymore.
Magdalene had been around our family for a very long time. When she wasn’t watching Birdie, she cleaned and cooked for us. At this point, she was the one constant in our lives. She also knew way too much. I knew she’d found the condoms in my underwear drawer once because she’d neatly placed the strip back into the box and closed it. She clearly knew I hadn’t been celibate. Maybe that gave her the wrong idea—like just because my dick was functioning again, maybe there was hope for my heart. But it didn’t work that way. Evidently, Birdie wasn’t the only one wishing for a “special friend” around here.
Later that night, my daughter ran into the study, where I’d been doing some inventory work for Bianco’s.
She seemed frantic when she said, “Daddy . . . you have to call Sadie.”
“Why?”
She lifted a tablet she was holding. “She forgot her iPad mini here.”
I took the device from her and looked down at it. “Oh. Well, I’m sure she can do without it until she sees us again.”
“No! She told me she uses it for work. She puts all her notes on it. You know, from her dates and stuff. She let me borrow it to watch something with her Hulu account while she was talking with Magdalene. I put it down to go steal cookies from the pantry while they weren’t paying attention. Then I started talking to them in the kitchen, and she left without taking it. I forgot I had it in my room until now.”
I blew out an exasperated breath. “Alright. I’ve got her number. I’ll give her a call. I can let her know it’s here if she wants to come get it.”
“Thanks, Daddy.”
She placed her arms around my neck, and I gently squeezed her little frame.
Rubbing her back, I said, “Go get some sleep. It’s late.”
Birdie ran out of the room, and I listened to her footsteps as she headed down the hall.
I stared at the phone in my hands for several seconds before scrolling down to Sadie’s name.
When she picked up, I heard a ton of background noise before she finally said, “Hello?”
“Hey . . . it’s Sebastian Maxwell.”
She spoke over the muffled sounds. “Oh. Hey. How are you?” It sounded like she might have been inside a crowded restaurant or bar.
“I’m calling because you left your iPad here. Birdie was adamant that I let you know.”
“Oh crap. That’s right. I’d let her borrow it and completely forgot to take it back before I left.”
“Anyway, we can hang on to it. I just wanted to let you know it was here, in case you were looking for it.”
“Do you mind if I stop by tonight and get it?”
Not expecting that, I hesitated. “Sure.”
“Thank you. I’m sorry for the bother. I can be there in about a half hour.”
I ran a hand through my hair. “Okay.”
“Great. Thanks. See you in a bit.”
After we hung up, I stayed at my desk, bouncing my legs up and down, swiveling in my seat, tapping my pen, crumpling up paper. Anything but concentrating on work. I finally gave up and took the iPad out into the living room while I anticipated her arrival any minute.
When that knock finally came, nothing could have prepared me for the sight on the other side of the door. When I opened it, I found Sadie standing there in a tiny black dress, only a fur cape covering her shoulders. She wore leather boots that went all the way up to her knees. Her long blonde hair was wavier than normal. She looked sexy as all hell, and it honestly made me have to catch my breath for a second. My gaze lingered on hers. A streetlight caught her eyes just enough for the blue of her irises to glow in the dark. Fuck, she was beautiful. A thought of what those eyes would look like staring up from under me crossed my mind. Really, Sebastian?
She took a few steps inside the doorway, even though I hadn’t exactly invited her in yet. Although it was cold out, and I would’ve anyway.
“You’re awfully dressed up. Hot date tonight?”
She looked down at herself, seeming almost embarrassed by her attire. “Oh God. No. I was on a date. Or rather . . . an assignment for work. Not a real date.”
“Ah. I should’ve known.”
“That’s where I was when you called. This was the perfect excuse to get out of it, let me tell ya.”
“No wonder you were so eager to come get your iPad so late. Another bomb, huh?”
“Let’s put it this way: he went to the bathroom more times than I could count. Either he had a bad case of diarrhea or he’s a drug addict. Either way, I’m all set.”
I broke out into a laugh. “Ouch.”
“Yeah. Let’s just hope he washed his hands each time before digging through the breadbasket.” She sighed. “Anyway . . . I’ll take my iPad and be on my merry way.”
“Oh. Yeah. I have it right here.” I scratched my head, momentarily having forgotten where I put it.
After I spotted it on the end table, I grabbed it. But not before tripping on the damn end table. Having her here was making me tense. I finally handed it to her.
“Thanks again,” she said as she took it. “I can’t believe I left this here. If it didn’t have all my notes on it from earlier this week, I might have been able to wait until the next time I came, but I have a deadline.” She looked beyond my shoulder. “I assume Birdie is asleep?”
“Yeah. Or possibly pretending to be asleep until she decides to sneak out of her room and steal a few cookies.”
She smiled, and it lit up her whole face. “Of course.” Her smile faded, and she backed up a few feet toward the door. “Well, I’ll get out of your hair. Thanks again.” She lingered as if she wasn’t quite ready to leave.
The second she turned around, I felt this odd feeling, like the house went from warm to cold. And fuck. I wanted the warmth back.
Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.
“Sadie . . . ,” I called out.
She turned back around in an instant. “Yes?”
“It’s cold out. I usually put on some tea around this time . . . try to relax and unwind. Would you want to stay and have a cup with me before you hit the road?”
There was that smile again. “After the night I’ve had . . . a hot cup of tea sounds really good.”
“Great. I, uh, promise not to run to the bathroom every two minutes.”
She cackled. “Seriously. Who does that?”
Sadie followed me to the kitchen and sat down at the table. I grabbed the kettle and filled it with filtered water from the tap before setting two ceramic teacups down on the counter.
“Black tea okay?” I asked.
“Yes. I can have caffeine any time of night and still fall asleep.”
“Me too. Even coffee.”
“Same.” She grinned.
“You take milk . . . sugar? Or I have honey.”
“Just a little milk. Thank you.”
As I waited for the water to boil, I leaned back against the granite and crossed my arms.
“So, how often do you do your research per week?”
“You mean how many disastrous dates do I endure?” She laughed. “A few at most. That’s enough. It’s seriously sc
ary out there.”
I felt oddly protective of her. “You always meet them in public, right?”
“Always.”
It honestly surprised me that she didn’t have her choice of any man she wanted.
“You know . . . I’m actually shocked that you don’t have better luck. You’re clearly attractive, smart . . . why all the losers?”
“New York is the problem, honestly. There are more women than men here. It makes the dating game tricky. You have to work much harder to find the good ones. And the good ones have their pick of many. I honestly avoid going out altogether when I’m not working.”
“I met my wife in college and never had to do the online dating thing. It’s one of the things I loved about being married, not having to worry about the logistics of all that.”
“It’s a huge time suck.”
The kettle started whistling, so I prepared her tea, adding a splash of milk, then the boiling water before steeping the teabag.
I placed the cups on the table and sat down.
“Thank you,” she said before blowing on the steam.
“So, today went well with the dog?” I asked.
“You’re clearly referring to the actual dog and not the dog I met tonight . . .”
“Yes, I was referring to the Duke.”
“The Duke.” She nearly spit out her tea. “I love that nickname for him.” She looked around. “Where the heck is the Duke anyway?”
“He sleeps when Birdie sleeps. Does that surprise you?”
“Not a bit. That’s so cute.” She beamed. “And yeah. Today was actually one of the better days we’ve had. He listens to Birdie so well now, which was the point of all this, right?”
“Was that the point? I thought the point of this was initially . . . a butterfly barrette, wasn’t it?” I teased.
Her face actually turned pink, and it was fucking adorable. She looked down into her cup, shaking her head. “I deserved that.”
“I’m kidding. You know that, right?”
“At least you’re laughing about it and not calling the police on me.”
“I wouldn’t have called the police on you. That was an empty threat.”
“Well, that’s good at least.”
“You’ll be happy to know, I sometimes think back and laugh at the ridiculousness of what happened,” I said, starting to crack up unexpectedly. “When you found out he was supposed to be trained in German . . . you must have inwardly freaked.”
She was laughing now, too. “You have no idea.”
“I’ve got to give you credit for even attempting to tackle it. That took some serious balls.”
“Balls and a dash of lunacy.”
Our eyes locked for a moment. There was something so comfortable about being around her. She always seemed familiar, even though I knew we’d never met before this whole thing with Birdie. Speaking of my daughter, there was so much I wanted to ask Sadie while I had her attention. But I didn’t know if it would be too intrusive. I took a chance.
“Do you mind if I pick your brain about something?”
“Sure. I think I managed to salvage some of my brain that didn’t get fried during my date tonight. I’ll be happy to offer up what’s left.”
I chuckled. “Okay. I appreciate that.”
She took a sip of her tea, then said, “What’s up?”
I rested my chin on my wrist. “I know you said your mother died when you were six and a half, just like Birdie. Looking back at your childhood with just a father and no mother, what, if anything, do you wish your dad had done differently?”
She nodded a few times and pondered that. “That’s an interesting question. I can see why you’d be curious about that, given you’re in the same situation.”
“Well, you have the rare gift of hindsight. I’m just trying to prevent making any mistakes along the way that might be avoidable. Birdie is still so young. I can’t imagine what things will be like when she gets into her teen years. If there’s a way to plan ahead . . .”
Her eyes moved from side to side. She looked like she was struggling to come up with an answer that would satisfy me. “There’s really nothing specific I can say I’d change when it comes to how my dad handled anything with me. I was always very conscious of the fact that my dad was doing the very best he could. What more could I have asked for? But what parents fail to understand sometimes . . . is just how much kids can see through them. I could always tell if my dad was depressed, even if he was trying to hide it from me. I really wish he had taken more time for himself and not worried so much about how things might affect me. Us daughters . . . we’re tougher than you think. And in the end, we really want to see our dads happy. Because that makes us happy.”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “Okay. Fair enough.”
They say people come into your life for a reason. Maybe Sadie and I were meant to meet because her personal experience mirrored ours. I’d never encountered anyone who quite understood our situation like she did. Talking to her definitely brought me a lot of comfort, made me feel less alone. That was a first since Amanda died.
“Birdie knows how hard you try and how much you love her. And she can also sense when you’re down.”
“I’m starting to realize that more and more.”
Sadie flashed a sympathetic smile. “When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I—”
“Wait . . . your father had cancer, too?” I hadn’t meant to interrupt her. But that was pretty shocking to hear.
“Yeah. My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer when I was a teenager. Can you believe that? He’s in remission now, thank God.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “I can’t imagine how scary that must have been for you . . . and for him.”
“It really was. It tested my faith big-time. I didn’t understand how that could be happening to me twice. But I tried my best not to dwell on the woe is me aspect. He needed every bit of strength I had to help him get through it, not only mentally but physically. So the self-pity had to wait. It was a few years of touch and go. When he finally did make it through, I, of course, felt like I dodged a bullet. And it’s made me even more grateful for him.”
Her attitude blew me away. “Wow. You were really surrounded by cancer growing up.”
“I was. So much so that at one point, I went and got genetic testing done because I was certain I was destined to have it, too. Which is absurd.”
“I don’t think it’s so strange. A lot of cancers are genetic. Sounds like you made a mature decision to get tested.”
“Umm. Did I mention that I’m adopted?” She laughed. “I understood that I didn’t have the same genes as my mom and dad. Yet I was convinced that I had it, too. Still think it’s not so strange?”
I smiled. “Alright. So I guess that does change things a bit.”
“Yeah. My mom couldn’t have children. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer the first time at twenty-three. They tried for years after she went into remission, but the chemo did a lot of damage.”
“It’s amazing . . . how your situation mirrors ours. My wife and I struggled to get pregnant as well and went the route of getting fertility help.”
“Oh wow. That’s crazy. But I guess that’s another reason why Birdie and I connected so easily. We’re both extra special because our parents had to work that much harder to have us.”
I smiled. “Anyway, I’m sorry if I got us off on a depressing tangent there for a little while. But I really appreciate the insight. It’s been four years since Amanda died, but the solo-parenting thing still feels like uncharted territory every single day.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, contemplating what my life had become. Then I opened them and spoke in somewhat of a daze. “You spend your youth trying to make something of yourself, feeling invincible, running on adrenaline. Finally fall into a career, have a family . . . everything’s perfect, right? Then, when something like cancer enters the picture when your life has barely even started, it knocks the wind out of yo
u. But it’s too much to fathom. The only way I handled her being sick was to pretend it wasn’t happening. Telling myself and her that everything was going to be fine. You go through the motions of each day, trying to be strong for everyone. It’s like a constant state of numbness. And it has to be. Because feeling what was happening wasn’t an option. Even when she died, I was still numb. It doesn’t hit you, really, until some random time. You know, long after the people stop coming over and bringing food. I woke up one random morning. The TODAY show was on. It was just a regular morning for most. But that was the day it just hit me that my life as I knew it was really over. Or at least it felt that way. But it really couldn’t be over, right? Because I had to keep going somehow . . . for Birdie. So you start to push again, building a new life from the ground up, still trying not to really feel anything too much, because that might throw your progress off track.” I rubbed my eyes and sighed. “Anyway, it’s a strange existence sometimes.”
Jesus. I really had taken us somewhere depressing.
Her eyes were piercing. She looked like she might cry. I hoped to hell she wouldn’t. I couldn’t have handled that.
“I felt every word you just said, Sebastian. Every word. I’ve obviously never lost a spouse, but I watched my dad go through it. And I understand firsthand that feeling of going through the motions. I really do.”
I downed the last of my lukewarm tea, wishing it were scotch, and placed the empty cup down. “What a fucking downer this tea turned out to be. I bet you’re wishing you were back with Bathroom Boy right about now.”
“God, no.” She sighed. “Do you know how rare it is to have a deep, adult conversation that I can relate to?”
“I certainly didn’t plan to ambush you with that.”
“Anytime you want to talk. Honestly. I’m happy to listen.” She winked. “But you might get an earful from me, too. That’s the risk.”
“Alright. Thanks.”
Sadie tilted her head and studied me quietly. She seemed to be debating something she might want to say.
“Can I ask you something?” she eventually said.
“Pretty sure I owe you an answer to anything you want after what I just asked you to answer.”
