by Heidi Lowe
"That's not an option right now, Ava, you know that." She was, of course, referring to me moving in with her. Ever since the dream, she'd brought it up every time we met. And where another person might have grown annoyed after hearing it six times, it only reminded me that there was someone who loved me enough to want me around all the time. It reminded me of her love for me.
"I have to ask in case one day you say yes." She kissed my cheek. Never disheartened by my rejection of the idea, just happy to be with me.
I almost told her about the house hunting, but decided against it. It was still early days. I didn't want to bring it up until I'd at least been to some viewings.
It was impossible to look at the other parents and not see traitors among me. In the playground, in the grocery store, passing by in the street. They would all smile and greet me, as always. But then I would wonder, wonder what lay beneath each friendly gesture. These people I'd known for years, some of them very well, some as friends. I didn't know who to trust.
It went on like that for two weeks, me looking at everyone as a possible suspect. Especially when Ava and I shared brief words in front of them. Who was watching? Who had a problem with it?
That was no way to live. If someone was out to get me, I sure as hell wasn't just going to sit back and play nice. I wanted to at least rule out the people I considered friends.
"Please don't mention it to anyone, Dani," Ava had pleaded the night she told me. "Just let it go."
I'd agreed to do as she asked, but after two weeks the not knowing was driving me crazy.
It was a Thursday, and Miranda and I were sitting on one of the school benches in the playground, waiting for the 3:30 bell.
"...So now she's wild about horses. Says she wants one for her ninth birthday." She rolled her eyes dramatically. "Kids just have no idea how much things cost. Although, given her track record with keeping pets alive, it wouldn't be an expense we'd have for long!" She gave her usual, soulful laugh, always much louder than the joke required.
Beth arrived and joined us. Now was my chance.
"Guys, I wanted to ask you something. About my friendship with Miss Petal."
They looked at me, frowning and clueless. It could have all been an act, though.
"What about it?" Beth asked.
"I know you've both hinted that you thought Chester would get special treatment, due to our friendship..."
Miranda laughed. "Come on, Dani, you know we were just fooling around."
"Yeah, what is this?"
"Well, someone has a problem with it. Someone complained to the principal. Thinks it's inappropriate, and that it's unfair to the other kids."
They both wore the same expression: one of outrage.
It wasn't them. Whatever else these women were, they hadn't stabbed me in the back. I should have listened to my gut on this one.
"And you thought it was one of us? Gee, Dani, do you really think that low of us? But worst of all, do you really think we have nothing better to do?" Miranda laughed, but I could see in her eyes that I'd offended her.
"No," I said. "I'm sorry I even asked. Of course it wasn't you. But it was someone. Maybe you've heard something? A whisper from one of the other parents?"
Beth shook her head. "That's not the type of thing people around here do, or even think, for that matter. You must have an enemy. You or Miss Petal. But why the principal would pay any attention to a complaint like that is anybody's guess."
It came as no small relief to learn that my friends weren't traitors. I just hoped our friendship hadn't been damaged by my accusations, however subtle they'd been.
But after a couple of minutes it was business as usual, and Miranda went on babbling. Though the mystery remained unsolved, at least I'd ruled them out.
"Next week is the big 4-0, as you well know," Miranda went on.
"Of course. You haven't stopped talking about it for months," I said.
"Only because I don't want anyone telling me they've forgotten, and no one turns up on the day. I've gone to a lot of expense for this party."
"We'll all be there, Miranda," Beth said impatiently. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."
She turned to me. "And what about you, missy? You won't let me down, will you?"
"Of course not."
"You're welcome to bring Miss Petal if you like. She's a lot of fun. And it'll be a big screw you to anyone who has a problem with your friendship."
"So I can bring her instead of Dominic?" I asked hopefully.
She frowned. "Why would you do that? Bring them both. Fred already told Dominic about it anyway."
I shifted uneasily in my seat. There was no way Dominic and Ava at the same party would be a good thing. One I wanted to come. The other had every right to come. I just prayed Dominic would be too busy to make it. I had to start getting people used to seeing me and Ava out together. This would be the perfect opportunity.
SEVENTEEN
"We're going to be late if you don't cut that out," Ava giggled. My face was buried in her neck, my arms wrapped around her chest, my hands fondling her breasts. Peeled down around her waist was her dress, whose zip I'd been tasked with doing up...
"I don't care. They won't miss us." I kissed and kissed her neck, and let my hands pull one of her breasts from the bra. Her laughter trailed off and became heavy breathing as she let me caress her teat. The glorious moment came as the nipple hardened in my hand.
"Mmm, I never get tired of feeling that," I said.
I had no access barred reign of her body, and I wasn't holding back. I was like a cat in heat – no, ten cats in heat – whenever I was alone with her.
"You're bad for me," she breathed. "That's the last time I ask you to help me with my dress."
"I did help you with your dress... I helped you take it down."
She laughed, and I continued to fondle her. We were in her bedroom, the bed was a mere few feet away. But we had a party to get to, and I already knew how much Miranda hated lateness.
"Is this your way of getting as much of me as you can because we won't be able to touch while we're there?"
"Something like that." I twisted her around to face me so I could kiss her properly. Her lips were now mine. Everything was mine, and I was a proud owner. "But mostly I just can't keep my hands off you. It's an affliction I'll never get over."
We kissed some more, touched even more than that, but she had to call time, otherwise we never would have left the house.
An hour later, we were on our first drink at Miranda's house. It was a big turn out – close to two hundred people. Most I didn't know, but some were parents from the school. Couples far outnumbered singles. It seemed most women had come with their husbands, and certainly not their "gal pals".
It had worked out well for me that Dominic said he had a prior engagement (read: some blonde he wanted to screw) and thus couldn't make it. Only when I'd gotten confirmation that he wasn't coming did I invite Ava.
We were standing in the garden, wine glasses in hand, talking to two other couples we knew from Chester's school.
"It's great to see you here, Miss Petal. I'm glad you came," Miranda said as she passed briefly.
"Thanks for inviting me."
She fit right in with everyone. They loved her, and these two couples, despite their promise not to talk shop, had been singing her praises since we arrived. So and so loved her, wouldn't stop talking about her. Had learned so much. And on and on. No one wanted to speak to me, no siree.
But I had never been happier. Standing by and watching everyone fawn over my girlfriend reassured me that, when the time came, they would all welcome her with open arms as my partner. Maybe I was naive in thinking that, but it kept the smile glued to my face.
"See, I told you you would do fine," I said when we were alone, having excused ourselves. She'd been worried that people wouldn't treat her as one of them, just as the woman who taught their children.
"I'm actually having a lot of fun."
"Me
too." I leaned in a little closer, though not enough to look too suspicious, like two women in love. "But I would be even happier if I could kiss those beautiful lips of yours right now, in front of all these people."
"Well, you could do that, but you'd have a lot of explaining to do," she laughed.
It would have been the perfect setting to showcase my new-found love. But at the same time doing so would have exposed me as a cheat. No matter how many extramarital affairs Dominic had under his belt that I knew about, these people were still oblivious. He managed to play the faithful, doting husband so well in front of them. Only with me did the mask fall.
We were still laughing to ourselves when my eyes fell on the glass door leading out to the garden. My laughter cut out abruptly, so much so that it caused Ava to stop too.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Dominic's here," I said. I felt the blood rushing to my head, felt my heart pounding wildly. A sense of doom washed over me.
"I thought you said he couldn't make it."
"That's what he said." The lying sack of shit! As his gaze met mine, the smirk that spread across his face told me this had been his plan all along. Turning up when he knew Ava would be here with me.
"But that's not a problem, is it?"
Of course it's a problem, my inner voice screamed. But she didn't know. I still hadn't told her that he knew about us, that when he looked at her now he saw the woman who was screwing his wife, his property. And that he wasn't taking any of it well. So how would she have known that his being here was nothing but revenge?
"I think we should go," I mumbled.
But Dominic had made his way over to us, beer in hand, shit-eating grin taking up half his face.
"Miss Petal, what a pleasure to see you again," he said jovially. Too bad it was all an act, and seemingly one only I could see through.
"You too, Mr. Thomas."
"Oh, we don't need to be formal. It's Dominic. You and my wife are so close now, you're almost family. It's as though there are three people in this marriage."
The unease in her laugh was obvious.
"What are you doing here, Dominic?" I asked, trying to keep my voice level.
"I was invited, wasn't I, honey? It almost sounds like you don't want me here."
I said nothing. And a few moments later, Beth and her husband joined us. I wanted to make a quick escape, but before long Ava was pulled into a conversation by Beth's husband. The Blakes, Miranda's neighbors, joined us, joined in the conversation. Dominic and I, however, were the only ones not speaking. Instead I was scowling at him while he smirked back.
There always comes a time when you know the shit's about to hit the fan. The air gets heavy, the sky becomes overcast. Your stomach rumbles as if warning you to expect the worst. I wondered how long it would take before Dominic did what he'd come here to do.
He lasted half an hour.
"There's this town in Brazil I read about where there are virtually no men. Most of the women are really attractive and are desperate for more men to move into the area, lest they die unmarried," Beth's husband said eagerly. A man who was usually very quiet had come out of his shell by talking travel with Ava.
Beth laughed. "So that's why you wanted to go to Brazil this summer. You were looking for a replacement!" she teased.
He chuckled. "You know you're the only woman who would ever put up with me, Beth." He kissed her on the cheek.
"That sounds like the sort of place you would thrive in, Ava," Dominic said casually, taking a sip of his beer.
She looked at him blankly. "How so?"
"Well, nice weather, nice people, no men around..."
"That sounds like the ideal place for me, too!" Beth said.
"Yeah, but after a while it would get a little boring, don't you think? You know, not having men around?" This came from Mrs. Blake. "I know I couldn't do it. What happens when they need to...you know? Does Ann Summers ship to that part of the world?" She laughed at her own joke.
"You don't think they use each other, do you?" Dominic asked, his shock fake and exaggerated. "I mean, does that sort of thing really happen outside of pornography? A town full of women, no men around, so they decide to take care of each other? What do you think, Ava?"
I saw her face, the way her smile had disappeared. Her breathing was unsteady, her cheeks rosy. She knew what was happening, and she had no way of stopping it.
"I don't know. I try not to comment on what other people do in their bedrooms."
"No, I don't believe they would sleep with each other." Mrs. Blake shuddered, made a face as though the thought disgusted her. Ava saw it, looked away. "Straight women, who have only ever been attracted to men, would never." The ignorance was astounding. I wanted to scream at this dinosaur, remind her that she was living in the twenty-first century.
"You would think that. I mean, going from wanting one organ to settling for another, as though they're interchangeable. It doesn't sit right," Dominic said, shaking his head, looking at me.
The painfully ignorant Mrs. Blake moaned in agreement. "I have gay friends, so I don't mean any offense by this, but I'll never understand that sort of thing."
I'm sure my face matched Ava's upon hearing that. Intolerance and homophobia, so easily shared, as if they were discussing a new movie or something. I wanted to leave, to walk away from this woman. I should have grabbed Ava's hand and marched my girlfriend away, because there was only one direction in which this night could go now, and it wasn't up.
"Hey, just because these women live in a village without men, doesn't mean they don't travel elsewhere to meet some," Beth's husband jumped in.
Dominic shrugged. "But I'm sure many just settle, find the effort of searching too troublesome. What would you do in that situation, Ava?"
"I don't know," she mumbled, eyes down on the drink in her hand.
"Oh, I forgot. You would be more than happy in that situation. Why do I keep forgetting?" Dominic added.
Beth's brow furrowed. "What does that mean?"
"Dominic," I warned in a stern voice.
He laughed. "What? We're all adults. I think it's healthy to talk about these things. Miss Petal might be a teacher, but she's still an adult. And good on the principal for being so progressive. I've heard out-LGBT teachers have a much harder time getting jobs than their straight counterparts."
Now all eyes, bar mine, were on Ava. I couldn't look at her, not without it breaking my heart.
"I don't follow," Beth's husband said, his brow furrowed deeply. "Does that mean–"
"That I'm gay? Yes, that's exactly what it means." Ava swallowed down the rest of her wine. "Now if you'd excuse me, I'm going to head home. Nice to see all of you."
She hastened away before I could stop her. But...I never had any intention of stopping her, or going after her. We'd arrived together, by cab, and now we were leaving separately.
"Well, that was quite unexpected," Beth said, looking around the circle, dumbfounded. "I never would have guessed. I expect all gay women to look like Ellen DeGeneres!"
"I always did get that vibe from her when I spoke to her," Mr. Blake said, turning up his nose as though he smelled something rotten. "She never seemed interested in any of the men, and you'd think at least one of us would have caught her eye."
"They come in all shapes and sizes, Beth. Some of them might even look like you, or maybe my wife over there..."
The look I shot Dominic could have scorched his skin, it was that fiery. But the more I glowered, the more he smiled.
I tossed and turned all night, kicking the covers off in frustration, throwing the pillows across the room when I couldn't get them right. I didn't get much sleep, and whenever I started dozing off, the image of Ava's face, deflated and dejected, sprung back into my mind.
I couldn't sleep because I knew I'd messed up. I should have gone after her, like any loving partner would. But doing so would have been too telling.
If you really loved her, nothing would have stopped
you.
If you really loved her, what they thought wouldn't matter.
If you really loved her, you would be with her right now.
I did love her, I had the heartache to prove it, but I was weak. A coward of the highest order. I'd seen the ignorance, the intolerance, witnessed it as an onlooker, comfortable from my seat out of the line of fire, and I knew I couldn't hack it. They didn't understand her, so they sure as hell wouldn't understand me.
I waited until the following evening, Sunday, to see her. I'd put it off for twenty-four hours and couldn't any longer. It wasn't that I didn't want to see her, but that I felt awful, somehow responsible for what happened at the party.
When she opened the door, she did so with little enthusiasm, as though reluctant. I thought that when she saw it was me her mood would change.
"Hi," I said, stepping inside.
"Hi." Her voice sounded tired, lethargic. She looked it, too.
I followed her into the living room. She didn't offer me any of the wine she was drinking, despite the bottle being half full.
She sat down with her glass, drank from it and said nothing, just watched me, waiting for me to speak.
"About the other night..." I wrung my hands, feeling lost for the first time in front of her, and in her house. I didn't feel welcome.
"What about the other night?" She wasn't going to make this easy for me.
"I had no idea Dominic was going to say all of that. I'm sorry."
"How long has he known about us? He does know, doesn't he? Otherwise he wouldn't have put on that display."
I nodded solemnly. "I didn't tell him, he figured it out."
"How long?" she demanded.
"I'm not sure. He's been dropping hints for a while, but I don't know exactly."
"And that display at the play? That was for my benefit?"
I nodded.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
I shrugged helplessly. "I didn't want to worry you. I should have, I know, but I just... Look, I hate how this has happened. And I'm sorry you had to go through all of that yesterday, being outed like that."
