by Rex Stout
"You're damn right you are."
"That may be ill-advised. You heard him, driver?"
"Sure I heard him."
"Good. Try to remember it."
We were on Ninth Avenue, stopped at Forty-second Street for a light. When the light changed and we moved, Purley told the hackie to pull over to the curb, and he obeyed. At that time of night there were plenty of gaps. Purley took something from a pocket and showed it to the hackie, and said, "Go get yourself a Coke and come back in ten minutes," and he climbed out and went. Purley turned his head to glare at me.
Til pay for the Coke," I offered.
He ignored it. "Lieutenant Rowcliff," he said, "is expecting us at Twentieth Street."
"Fine. Even under arrest, one will get you five that I can make him start stuttering in ten minutes."
"You're not under arrest."
I leaned forward to look at the meter. "Ninety cents. From here on we'll split it."
"Goddamn it, quit clowning! If you think I'm crawling you're
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wrong. I just don't see any percentage in it. If I deliver you in custody I know damn well what you'll do. You'll clam up. We won't get a peep out of you, and in the morning you'll make a phone call and Parker will come. What will that get us?"
I could have said, "A suit for false arrest," but it wouldn't have been diplomatic, so I made it, "Only the pleasure of my company."
There was one point of resemblance between Purley and Carol Annis, just one: no sense of humor. "But," he said, "Lieutenant RowcliflF is expecting you, and you're a material witness in a homicide case, and you were up there working on the suspects."
"You could arrest me as a material witness," I suggested helpfully.
He uttered a word that I was glad the hackie wasn't there to hear, and added, "You'd clam up and in the morning you'd be out on bail. I know it's after midnight, but the lieutenant is expecting you."
He's a proud man, Purley is, and I wouldn't go so far as to say that he has nothing to be proud of. He's not a bad cop, as cops go. It was a temptation to keep him dangling for a while, to see how long it would take him to bring himself to the point of coming right out and asking for it, but it was late and I needed some sleep.
"You realize," I said, "that it's a waste of time and energy. You can tell him everything we said, and if he tries to go into other aspects with me I'll only start making cracks and he'll start stuttering. It's perfectly useless."
"Yeah, I know, but-"
"But the lieutenant expects me."
He nodded. "It was him Nora Jaret told about it, and he sent me. The inspector wasn't around."
"Okay. In the interest of justice, I'll give him an hour. That's understood? Exactly one hour."
"It's not understood with me." He was emphatic. "When we get there you're his and he's welcome to you. I don't know if he can stand you for an hour."
Poison cl la Carte
47
VII
At noon the next day, Thursday, Fritz stood at the end of Wolfe's desk, consulting with him on a major point of policy: whether to switch to another source of supply for water cress. The quality had been below par, which for them means perfection, for nearly a week. I was at my desk, yawning. It had been after two o'clock when I got home from my chat with Lieutenant Rowcliff, and with nine hours' sleep in two nights I was way behind.
The hour since Wolfe had come down at eleven o'clock from his morning session with the orchids had been spent, most of it, by me reporting and Wolfe listening. My visit with Rowcliff needed only a couple of sentences, since the only detail of any importance was that it had taken me eight minutes to get him stuttering, but Wolfe wanted my conversation with the girls verbatim, and also my impressions and conclusions. I told him my basic conclusion was that the only way she could be nailed, barring a stroke of luck, would be by a few dozen men sticking to the routine--her getting" the poison and her connection with Pyle.
"And," I added, "her connection with Pyle may be hopeless. In fact, it probably is. If it's Helen lacono, what she told us is no help. If what she told us is true she had no reason to kill him, and if it isn't true how are you going to prove it? If it's one of the others she is certainly no halfwit, and there may be absolutely nothing to link her up. Being very careful with visitors to your penthouse is fine as long as you're alive, but it has its drawbacks if one of them feeds you arsenic. It may save her neck."
He was regarding me without enthusiasm. "You are saying in effect that it must be left to the police. I don't have a few dozen men. I can expose her only by a stroke of luck."
"Right. Or a stroke of genius. That's your department. I make no conclusions about genius."
"Then why the devil were you going to bring them to me at midnight? Don't answer. I know. To badger me."
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"No, sir. I told you. I had got nowhere with them. I had got them looking at each other out of the corners of their eyes, but that was all. I kept on talking, and suddenly I heard myself inviting them to come home with me. I was giving them the excuse that I wanted them to discuss it with you, but that may have been just a cover for certain instincts that a man is entitled to. They are very attractive girls--all but one."
"Which one?"
"I don't know. That's what we're working on."
He probably would have harped on it if Fritz hadn't entered to present the water-cress problem. As they wrestled with it, dealing with it from all angles, I swiveled my back to them so I could do my yawning in private. Finally they got it settled, deciding to give the present source one more week and then switch if the quality didn't improve; and then I heard Fritz say, "There's another matter, sir. Felix phoned me this morning. He and Zoltan would like an appointment with you after lunch, and I would like to be present. They suggested half past two, if that will suit your convenience."
'What is it?" Wolfe demanded. "Something wrong at the restaurant?"
"No, sir. Concerning the misfortune of Tuesday evening."
"What about it?"
"It would be better for them to tell you. It is their concern."
I swiveled for a view of Fritz's face. Had Felix and Zoltan been holding out on us? Fritz's expression didn't tell me, but it did tell Wolfe something: that it would be unwise for him to insist on knowing the nature of Felix's and Zoltan's concern because Fritz had said all he intended to. There is no one more obliging than Fritz, but also there is no one more immovable when he has taken a stand. So Wolfe merely said that half past two would be convenient. When Fritz had left I offered to go to the kitchen and see if I could pry it out of him, but Wolfe said no, apparently it wasn't urgent.
As it turned out, it wasn't. Wolfe and I were still in the dining room, with coffee, when the doorbell rang at 2:25 and Fritz answered it, and when we crossed the hall to the office Felix was in
Poison a la Carte 49
the red leather chair, Zoltan was in one of the yellow ones, and Fritz was standing. Fritz had removed his apron and put on a jacket, which was quite proper. People do not attend business conferences in aprons.
When we had exchanged greetings, and Fritz had been told to sit down and had done so, and Wolfe and I had gone to our desks, Felix spoke. "You won't mind, Mr. Wolfe, if I ask a question? Before I say why we requested an appointment?"
Wolfe told him no, go ahead.
"Because," Felix said, "we would like to know this first. We are under the impression that the police are making no progress. They haven't said so, they tell us nothing, but we have the impression. Is it true?"
"It was true at two o'clock this morning, twelve hours ago. They may have learned something by now, but I doubt it."
"Do you think they will soon make progress? That they will soon be successful?"
"I don't know. I can only conjecture. Archie thinks that unless they have a stroke of luck the inquiry will be long and laborious, and even then may fail. I'
m inclined to agree with him."
Felix nodded. "That is what we fear--Zoltan and I and. others at the restaurant. It is causing a most regrettable atmosphere. A few of our most desirable patrons make jokes, but most of them do not, and some of them do not come. We do not blame them. For the maitre d'h6tel and one of our chefs to assist at a dinner where a guest is served poison--that is not pleasant. If the-"
"Confound it, Felix! I have avowed my responsibility. I have apologized. Are you here for the gloomy satisfaction of reproaching me?"
"No, sir." He was shocked. "Of course not. We came to say that if the poisoner is not soon discovered, and then the affair will be forgotten, the effect on the restaurant may be serious. And if the police are making no progress that may happen, so we appeal to you. We wish to engage your professional services. We know that with you there would be no question. You would solve it quickly and completely. We know it wouldn't be proper to pay you from restaurant funds, since you are the trustee, so we'll pay
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you with our own money. There was a meeting of the staff last night, and all will contribute, in a proper ratio. We appeal to you."
Zoltan stretched out a hand, arm's length. 'We appeal to you," he said.
"Pfui," Wolfe grunted.
He had my sympathy. Not only was their matter-of-fact confidence in his prowess highly flattering, but also their appealing instead of demanding, since he had got them into it, was extremely touching. But a man with a long-standing reputation for being hard and blunt simply can't afford the softer feelings, no matter what the provocation. It called for great self-control.
Felix and Zoltan exchanged looks. "He said 'pfui,'" Zoltan told Felix.
"I heard him," Felix snapped. "I have ears."
Fritz spoke. "I wished to be present," he said, "so I could add my appeal to theirs. I offered to contribute, but they said no."
Wolfe took them in, his eyes going right to left and back again. "This is preposterous," he declared. "I said 'pfui' not in disgust but in astonishment. I am solely to blame for this mess, but you offer to pay me to clean it up. Preposterous! You should know that I have already bestirred myself. Archie?"
"Yes, sir. At least you have bestirred me."
He skipped it. "And," he told them, "your coming is opportune. Before lunch I was sitting here considering the situation, and I concluded that the only way to manage the affair with dispatch is to get the wretch to betray herself; and I conceived a plan. For it I need your cooperation. Yours, Zoltan. Your help is essential. Will you give it? I appeal to you."
Zoltan upturned his palms and raised his shoulders. "But yes! But how?"
"It is complicated. Also it will require great dexterity and aplomb. How are you on the telephone? Some people are not themselves, not entirely at ease, when they are phoning. A few are even discomfited. Are you?"
"No." He reflected. "I don't think so. No."
"If you are it won't work. The plan requires that you telephone five of those women this afternoon. You will first call Miss lacono,
Poison (J la Carte 51
tell her who you are, and ask her to meet you somewhere--in some obscure restaurant. You will say that on Tuesday evening, when you told me that you had not seen one of them return for a second plate, you were upset and flustered hy what had happened, and later, when the police questioned you, you were afraid to contradict yourself and tell the truth. But now that the notoriety is harming the restaurant you feel that you may have to reveal the fact that you did see her return for a second plate, hut that before--"
"But I didn't!" Zoltan cried. "I told-"
"Tais-toi!" Felix snapped at him.
Wolfe resumed, "--but that before you do so you wish to discuss it with her. You will say that one reason you have kept silent is that you have been unable to believe that anyone as attractive and charming as she is could be guilty of such a crime. A parenthesis. I should have said at the beginning that you must not try to parrot my words. I am giving you only the substance; the words must be your own, those you would naturally use. You understand that?"
"Yes, sir." Zoltan's hands were clasped tight.
"So don't try to memorize my words. Your purpose is to get her to agree to meet you. She will of course assume that you intend to blackmail her, but you will not say so. You will try to give her the impression, in everything you say and in your tone of voice, that you will not demand money from her, but will expect her favors. In short, that you desire her. I can't tell you how to convey that impression; I must leave that to you. The only requisite is that she must be convinced that if she refuses to meet you, you will go at once to the police and tell them the truth."
"Then you know," Zoltan said. "Then she is guilty."
"Not at all. I haven't the slightest idea who is guilty. When you have finished with her you will phone the other four and repeat the performance--Miss Choate, Miss Annis, Miss--"
"My God, Mr. Wolfe! That's impossible!"
"Not impossible, merely difficult You alone can do it, for they know your voice. I considered having Archie do it, imitating your voice, but it would be too risky. You said you would help, but there's no use trying it if the bare idea appalls you. Will you undertake it?"
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"I don't... I would . . ."
"He will," Felix said. "He is like that. He only needs to swallow it. He will do it well. But I must ask, can he be expected to get them all to agree to meet him? The guilty one, yes, but the others?"
"Certainly not. There is much to discuss and arrange. The innocent ones will react variously according to their tempers. One or more of them will probably inform the police, and I must provide for that contingency with Mr. Cramer." To Zoltan: "Since it is possible that one of the innocent ones will agree to meet you, for some unimaginable reason, you will have to give them different hours for the appointments. There are many details to settle, but that is mere routine. The key is you. You must of course rehearse, and into a telephone transmitter. There are several stations on the house phone. You will go to Archie's room and speak from there. We will listen at the other stations: Archie in the plant rooms, I in my room, Fritz in the kitchen, and Felix here. Archie will handle the other end of the conversation; he is much better qualified than I to improvise the responses of young women. Do you want me to repeat the substance of what you are to say before rehearsal?"
Zoltan opened his mouth and closed it again. "Yes," he said.
vni
Sergeant Purley Stebbins shifted his fanny for the nth time in two hours. "She's not coming," he muttered. "It's nearly eight o'clock." His chair was about half big enough for his personal dimensions.
We were squeezed in a corner of the kitchen of John Piotti's little restaurant on i4th Street between Second and Third Avenues. On the midget table between us were two notebooks, his and mine, and a small metal case. Of the three cords extending from the case, the two in front went to the earphones we had on, and the one at the back ran down the wall, through the floor, along the basement ceiling toward the front, back up through the floor, and
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Poison d la Carte 53
on through a table top, where it was connected to a microphone hidden in a bowl of artificial flowers. The installation, a rush order, had cost Wolfe $191.67. Permission to have it made had cost him nothing because he had once got John Piotti out of a difficulty and hadn't soaked him beyond reason.
"We'll have to hang on," I said. "You never can tell with a redhead."
The exposed page of my notebook was blank, but Purley had written on his. As follows:
Helen lacono 6:00 p.m.
Peggy Choate 7:30 p.m.
Carol Annis "" 9:00 p.m.
Lucy Morgan 10:30 p.m.
Nora Jaret 12:00 p.m.
It was in my head. If I had had to write it down I would certainly have made one "p.m." do, but policemen are trained to do things right.
"Anyhow," Purley said, "we know d
amn well who it is."
"Don't count your poisoners," I said, "before they're hatched." It was pretty feeble, but I was tired and still short on sleep.
I hoped to heaven he was right, since otherwise the operation was a flop. So far everything had been fine. After half an hour of rehearsing Zoltan had been wonderful. He had made the five calls from the extension in my room, and when he was through I told him his name should be in lights on a Broadway marquee. The toughest job had been getting Inspector Cramer to agree to Wolfe's terms, but he had no good answer to Wolfe's argument that if he insisted on changing the rules Zoltan wouldn't play. So Purley was in the kitchen with me, Cramer was with Wolfe in the office, prepared to stay for dinner, Zoltan was at the restaurant table with the hidden mike, and two homicide dicks, one male and one female, were at another table twenty feet away. One of the most elaborate charades Wolfe had ever staged.
Purley was right when he said we knew who it was, but I was right too--she hadn't been hatched yet. The reactions to Zoltan's calls had settled it. Helen lacono had been indignant and after a
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couple of minutes had hung up on him, and had immediately phoned the District Attorney's office. Peggy Choate had let him finish his spiel and then called him a liar, but she had not said definitely that she wouldn't meet him, and the DA or police hadn't heard from her. Carol Annis, after he had spoken his lines, had used only ten words: "Where can I meet you?" and, after he had told her where and when: "All right, I'll be there." Lucy Morgan had coaxed him along, trying to get him to fill it all in on the phone, had finally said she would keep the appointment, and then had rushed downtown and rung our doorbell, told me her tale, demanded that I accompany her to the rendezvous, and insisted on seeing Wolfe. I had to promise to go to get rid of her. Nora Jaret had called him assorted names, from liar on up, or on down, and had told him she had a friend listening in on an extension, which was almost certainly a lie. Neither we nor the law had had a peep from her.
