by Robin Leaf
Waving the doll over the illuminated beam of my phone’s flashlight, she smiled. “Oh, Honey, that won’t happen,” she said in her soothing, motherly voice. “I have to command her to do that.”
She started humming some unfamiliar tune. Three or four passes later, she cradled the doll in her palms like it was a wounded bird.
“What’s next?”
I read the second step. “Well, now we have to breathe life into her.”
“How do we do that?” Mom cooed at the doll.
“We take a deep breath, hold it while thinking about our deepest desires, and blow the breath into the doll.”
“So which one of us does that? The one commanding the doll or the one it’s supposed to bless.”
I looked back at the paper. “I dunno. It doesn’t say.”
“So, let’s both do it at the same time.”
I shrugged, trying to look like this wasn’t giving me the willies. We both took a huge gulp of air.
Hmmm, deepest desires. Well, first and foremost, don’t let me lose my hair or give me a third boob; that’s a pretty deep desire. Please, Peaches, let this wedding run smoothly for my brother and let him be very happy in his marriage. Please let my dad see me as a strong, capable woman. And please, please, please let everyone be right that Brody wants me as much as I want him. Amen. Wait, do I say amen? What am I supposed to say when expressing my deepest desires to a pagan doll with a stripper name? And holy shit, how long do I have to hold my breath? C’mon, Mom. Jesus.
She looked at me and nodded, bringing the doll between us. We both leaned in… and bumped heads.
“Fuck, Kaelyn,” she hollered, holding her head where we hit, while I continued to blow on the doll through my chuckles.
“Well, okay, that’s done.” She lifted the paper to her eyes. “Now, we have to baptize her.”
She clutched the doll to her chest and began reading what sounded like an incantation. I zoned out, rubbing my head, only half listening as she said the doll’s name a few times and something about requesting it to do as she commands.
She ended the speech with a closing statement. “With the highest blessings of our most Holy Spirit, and so shall it be.”
She became quiet as she read the final step. “Now we’re supposed to sprinkle it with sacred water.”
“What’s sacred water?” I looked around the room when my eyes landed on the shelf above the TV. “The hotel seems to think that bottle of water is pretty sacred. I mean, they charge $15 for it.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Don’t you think it means Holy water?”
“Gee, Mom, I’d offer some of my stash, but I used it all on my last voodoo baptism.”
She called me a smartass under her breath. “Well, Jesus turned water into wine, so that should be pretty holy, right?”
She stuck her finger in her wine glass and shook it over the doll and did it twice more for good measure.
“There,” she said proudly, holding up the doll like she was presenting Simba to the Pride Lands.
I turned on the light. “I dunno, Mom. I think all we did was almost pass out from holding our breaths so long, get knots on our heads, and make your doll smell like gas station wine.”
“Don’t be so negative, Kae. You have to believe in her with all your soul or she won’t work.”
Great, believe some hippy hemp doll swathed in a dingy cloth and beads can throw good juju my way. Lovely.
What I actually believed was that this whole scene might have been monumentally unwise.
I was suddenly struck with a bad feeling about what we just did. I ran my fingers through my hair to make sure it was still there. It was. No third boob on my forehead, either.
Thank God.
Twenty Two
Brody
I wasn’t hiding really. I just needed a minute or fifteen to get my head straight before facing the revelers.
Emily bounced in the kitchen and opened the refrigerator.
“I know you probably wanted to be all broody Brody in your fortress of solitude, but I got tired of waiting for you to bring me the vodka cran I asked for ten minutes ago. I thought you might be in here trying to make the vodka.” She held up two beers, twisted off the tops, and handed one to me. “So, tell me what happened out there.”
“How come you never told me you are marrying a Cartupeli?”
She took a long pull off her beer and burped, raising her eyebrow at me. “Because I didn’t think it mattered?”
I blew air forcefully out my nose. “It matters.”
After taking another drink, she swallowed roughly. “Why?”
“Because Tristan Cartupeli tried to buy all the buildings on my block in New Orleans. Cost me most of my savings and made my life hell for over a year.” I smacked my forehead. “Holy shit, Em, is he coming to the wedding?”
“No, Tater didn’t invite him. He hates his father. See? This is why Tater doesn’t let on who his father is.” She took another drink and narrowed her eyes. “Look, you know Tater. He’s not his father, nor is he responsible for what his father does.” She patted my side. “Neither is Kaelyn.”
My eyes shot to hers with questions I would not ask out loud.
“I watched y’all, Brody. All night. Whatever you’re trying to hide, you’re not doing a very good job.” She downed the rest of her beer and wiped her mouth. “It’s her, isn’t it?”
Shit. She knows. Fuck me and my big mouth. Play it cool. Maybe she’ll buy it.
“Her?”
“Yeah, seven-orgasm girl. It’s Kaelyn, huh?”
I clamped my mouth shut and winced because she might as well have punched me in the gut. Emily had always been astute, but this… I really didn’t want to talk about this to her, especially right before her wedding where she was marrying the brother and son of both my nemesises. Or is it nemeses? Whatever. My adversaries.
I felt her lean on the counter next to me.
“Yeah, I thought so.” Her shoulder bumped into my arm. “Now that I know it’s her, I can tell you with certainty she did not intend to give you a fake phone number. She isn’t like that.”
“Uh huh,” I said sarcastically with a nod. “I bet party-time KaeKae hands out her real phone number to all the guys she fucks.” I took a drink. “It seems right up her alley.”
Emily bumped me with her hip, hard enough to knock me out of my stance.
“If you spent any time with her, you’d know that party-time image is not even close to the real Kaelyn. She’s nothing like what the media portrays. I’ve hung out with her a lot in the last two years, and I’ve never even once seen her with a drink… or a guy.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Right.”
She jumped in front of me, toe to toe, and grabbed my shirt, pulling me down to her level.
“Look, Bucko, I’m not going to stand here and let you talk this way about my sister in law. She is a good person, which you obviously witnessed or you wouldn’t have fallen for her so quickly.”
“I didn’t…”
“Bullshit, Brody.” She let go of my shirt with a shove. “You might not be all the way there, but you are, at the very least, smitten.” She softened her tone and smoothed out my shirt. “Now, you need to take tomorrow to pull your head out of your ass and figure out a way you are going to apologize for whatever you said that made her leave in such a hurry –”
“Yeah, with Dugger.”
“Oh my God,” she threw up her hands and whipped around in a circle before getting right in my face. “I am so close to kicking your ass like I did when we were kids. She thinks of Dugger like a brother.”
I pulled my bottle to my lips. “You sure Dugger thinks the same thing?”
“I don’t care what Dugger thinks… she thinks it. They are not together.” Stepping back, she took a deep breath. “Now, you are going to apologize to her and explain what happened. Based on what I saw tonight, my guess is she thinks you didn’t call her. She was throwing you the same looks you were throwing at
her. Y’all both just need to do that thing where you put your egos aside and just fucking talk to one another.” She turned around and began to strut away. “It’s called communication. Try it.” Stopping at the doorway, she looked at me over her shoulder. “Now, come say goodbye to everyone. We’ve decided to end this shindig.” She smiled. “Everyone else is getting so old.”
***
I decided to spend the day putting together furniture for the spare bedroom and the office. I paused to pick up Miles after school so he could set up my gaming systems and fill me in on his opinion of my game.
“It’s friggin awesome, Bro. I just wish I could play it online with other people.”
I tested out the charge on my wireless electric screwdriver before using it on my new desk. “So there’s no complaints?”
“Well…” he looked down at his hands. “I kinda wish it wasn’t so tame though.”
I tightened the final screw on one side of the drawer runners before beginning the other side. “Tame?”
“Well, yeah.” He turned on the television to check if he plugged in everything correctly. “There’s no explosions or killing stuff. At least in GTA, you get to have sex with hookers.”
I dropped the screw and stared at my cousin. “I’m not going to add sex or violence to the game, Miles. I’d lose the rating.”
“Well… maybe you can add that as one of the options to purchase.”
“No,” I repositioned the screw and waited until the buzzing of the screwdriver stopped before I answered him. “It’s not intended to be that kind of game.”
Grabbing the controllers, he turned on Black Ops. “You’d sell it a lot better if it was.”
This I felt was a teachable moment to my young cousin, one I didn’t really want to tackle at this time. However, I felt if I didn’t, he’d continue to get his education from the games he plays. So I put down my screwdriver and walked over to sit next to him on my couch.
“I don’t agree with you, Miles.” I picked up my water bottle. “Sex and violence might be in a lot of games, but I wanted mine to show there’s more to life than either of those things. I wanted a game that makes a person think. I wanted it to be an escape from all the crazy shit you see pretty much everywhere you go.” After taking a drink, I turned to him. “Look, I know you’re getting to that age where –”
He dropped his controller in his lap, threw himself against the back of the couch, and placed his hand over his eyes.
“God, Brody, you’re not going to try to have ‘the talk’ with me, are you?”
“What talk?”
“The one about ‘urges’ and ‘changes to my body.’ Tell me about ‘tallywackers’ and ‘flowers.’”
I fought a smile. “I see your mom already gave you the speech.”
“Yeah, for two hours, Brody.” He shuddered. “Two. Hours. She had diagrams.”
I chuckled. “I can imagine the hell that must have been, but that’s not what I’m gonna talk about. I’m sure you watch enough videos to know how sex works, Miles, but I need you to understand that if music videos, TV shows, and porn are all you’re watching, you’ll be more likely to treat girls disrespectfully.” I tapped him on the arm. “And that’s not okay.”
And that’s how we spent the rest of the time together. I ordered a pizza and fielded questions. Some of them were incredibly uncomfortable, but I answered honestly. There were some questions I had to deflect though; I told him to ask when he was older. At thirteen, he should maintain at least a little innocence. I did bring up how to be respectful to a woman, to back off when she is not interested and not be a creep, to listen, and to be thoughtful. He seemed to be receptive.
However, when I dropped him off at home, I had a feeling this was only the beginning of the education of Miles Sullivan.
***
Due to my conversation with Emily on Thursday night and with Miles last night, I realized I acted like a huge tool to Kaelyn. I never approached her to ask what happened, and I certainly didn’t give her any opportunity to explain. No. I mad-dogged her, shot her some snarky comments, and basically called her a slut.
Emily was right. I did need to apologize.
Grovel was more accurate.
I wanted to do it early before all the wedding festivities, but I didn’t know where to find Kaelyn. I didn’t exactly want to ask anyone where she was because I really didn’t want to have to explain why I wanted to find her.
Turns out the women were busy all day anyway with massages and getting ready. Apparently, that takes all day.
While they did their thing, Tater and the wedding party hung out, sipping scotch and smoking cigars. We were missing Dugger, who was recovering from food poisoning or something. I really didn’t like scotch, and cigars weren’t my thing. Before today, I wouldn’t have guessed they were Tater’s thing, either.
So it was my job to keep an eye on Miles, but when I had to use the restroom, Miles somehow got ahold of one of the cigars and ended up puking, narrowly missing Nate’s shoes. Nate and I hid Miles from the rest of the family, especially my aunt, while he recovered.
Dugger finally showed in time for us to get dressed at the Sullivans’ house. I didn’t really get a chance to say anything to him since my aunt was currently having a level-three meltdown for God only knows what reason. Uncle Collin gave her a couple of shots to calm her.
We headed to the church, and a knot formed in my stomach knowing I would see Kaelyn soon. I hoped I could get her attention for a second before the wedding to explain myself. I really felt it was necessary to ease the tension before we were to walk together.
I excused myself from the groom’s room in search of Kaelyn. I’d planned this all out, and phase one was finding her and apologizing.
I knocked on the bride’s dressing room, which was really the daycare for the church. Etta cracked the door.
“Hey, Brody.” She turned toward the room without opening the door. “It’s Brody.”
“He can come in,” I heard Emily say.
Etta opened the door and pulled me in quickly before shutting and locking it behind me.
“Sorry, we just don’t want Mom in here yet. She’s freaking Emily out.”
“Yeah, she’s kinda freaking out herself.”
Emily stepped out from behind the large mirror, and when I saw her, I couldn’t speak for a second. These girls were the closest thing to siblings I’d ever had, and seeing my cousin all brided up… it kinda got to me.
“Wow,” I swallowed down the emotion and cleared my throat. “Emily, you look absolutely stunning.”
She looked down, smoothing out her gown, and blushed slightly. “Thank you.” She held out her hand to me, and I took it and squeezed. “I’d hug you, but I don’t want to get mussed yet.”
I tried to discreetly look around the room, but Em caught on. She leaned into me.
“She went with Vanessa to the restroom, I think.”
I nodded and winked. “Thanks.”
I stepped to the door, but stopped to hug Etta quickly. “You look gorgeous, too. See you out there. Love you both.”
In unison, they called, “Love you, too,” as I made a hasty exit.
Problem… I didn’t know where the hell I was going, and even if I did, how creepy would it be to stalk her outside of a restroom? So I just waited outside the bride’s room.
I heard her laugh. I knew it was hers because the sound of it lit me on fire, so I allowed it to pull me in her direction.
I rounded the corner in time to see her duck into one of the side rooms. The door didn’t close all the way, so I headed down the hallway to wait for her. What I had to say needed to be said. Now, I understood that usually when someone ducks into a room, it meant they were doing something they want to be kept private.
I should have turned around.
I should have left well enough alone.
So why did I ignore what I knew and use my stealth skills to stalk her like a creeper?
I peered through the
crack to see her, only to be blocked by a man dressed in the same suit I wore.
A man whose back was to me.
With his pants undone.
Standing in front of a seated Kaelyn.
“Well, let me help you with that.” She grabbed at his pants, trying to pull them down.
“Kaelyn,” Dugger’s desperate voice pleaded, stopping her hands. “C’mon. Not here. It’s too weird.”
“I saw it all night long, and you’re weirded out by location?” Her voice was so soft, I missed what she said next, so I leaned closer toward the door. “…if you’re uncomfortable, I feel responsible, Dougie. You said you didn’t want to do it on your own. You can’t go through the wedding like this. Please, just let me help you.”
He hissed as her hands started moving up and down, no doubt fluffing him for that wicked mouth.
That Hulk thing that happened when I watched my girlfriend with my best friend paled in comparison to what I felt now.
Now, I could definitely do some damage. I needed to walk away just like I did before.
But I didn’t.
Propelled by a force I’ll never understand, I pushed open the door. That same force controlled my words, too.
“I agree with Dougie, Kaelyn,” I seethed through my teeth. “A church is probably not the best place to give a blowjob, especially if you’re leaving the door open where just anyone can walk by and see.”
Dugger pulled his pants closed. “Dude, that’s not –”
Kaelyn stood and pushed past Dugger, standing as tall as she could. “Apparently just anyone DID walk by, and you interrupted. If I want to blow him in church, that’s my business, not yours.”
“Kaelyn –” Dugger snapped.
“Yeah, you made it clear I’m not your anything, which all would have been easier if you would have told me something about yourself… like your last name. If I was privy to that little tidbit, we would never –”
