by Kim Hunter
“Oh, little princess thinks she's better than me because she has something to do with her days, does she?”
He poured himself another whiskey.
“You ask me the same question everyday.”
“Because I don't believe you. School finished hours ago.”
“I had to stay back. Detention.”
“You have your mothers eyes,” pointing to his own eyes then to hers. “I know them, I see through them, those same lying eyes.”
“Stop comparing me to my mother. I don't even know who she is.”
“But you know what she is, a hoar!”
“And what are you?” she snapped back. “A dirty drunk saving your welfare checks to sleep with the cheapest prostitutes you can find? You're no better—you're worse!”
“Get out,” he screamed. “Away from me you little tramp. Away with those lying eyes.”
She turned and stomped off into her room.
Six more months. That was all.
Her final exams were exactly six months away. She would leave after the final word was written and never come back to Jacksonville. She wouldn't pack. She wouldn't say goodbye. She didn't give a damn about the graduation ceremonies. But she couldn't leave yet. Everyday she battled with her demons, calling her to give up, to give in, to follow her mother's path—the path everyone expected her to follow.
She hated living with her father, but she had to stay. Not for him, but for her studies. Something deep within her was determined to finish school. It was a promise she had made and was determined to keep. If she could finish her education, she wouldn't be trapped like she was now. With an education at least she had a chance, a chance to start a new life. A new identity, away from her past, from her shame, from the nightmares that haunted her. Most of all, if she finished her studies, she'd keep the only promise that had ever mattered to her.
Every month, the day his welfare check was cashed, her father disappeared for a few days. He went to look for Leaf's mother. For seventeen years he had been looking for her. He never found her, but each new brothel he visited he asked if they had a working girl with a particular tattoo on her stomach; a tattoo of a Red Fox.
Leaf had never met her mother but she knew her story. She had been a working girl, everyone in town knew that, but she also worked as a waitress in a local bed and breakfast. That was where her father had met her. He was a trucker who was unaware of her other job. He was the only guy she slept with who didn't pay her for the pleasure, and the only man she didn't insist wear a condom.
He had been with her several times over the course of a year. The next time he rolled into town she was six months pregnant.
His mind had become consumed with her over the course of that year, and while he was away he had created his own world where they lived together. He had also created his own version of her, what kind of girl she was, what kind of life they could have together.
She hadn't planned on telling him about the pregnancy at all, but he had surprised her with his visit, and so she had changed her mind about what to do with the child. She wouldn't leave it on the steps of the hospital, she would leave it to him instead.
Her own mother begged her not to give the baby away, but she had also come to hate her own mother for reasons even she couldn't understand. Her mind was no longer fully her own. It made her think things she didn't want to think, and do things she didn't want to do. Perhaps it was the drugs, perhaps the work, perhaps the abuse that both brought into her life. When she gave birth, she was overcome with guilt and grief, overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all. So she passed the responsibility over to the man who got her pregnant—and disappeared.
When he received the phone call that she had given birth, he packed up his truck, took leave from work, and traveled to meet his child. When he arrived she was gone, but the child was still there with her grandmother. She had already been named 'Leaf' by her grandmother. Her father didn't care. It was just a name.
Leaf had been left with her grandmother who lived on the outskirts of town. A note was also left for him, telling him not to look for her. This note burned all his dreams, all his fantasies, and all the good he had ever felt toward her. She had trapped him into parenthood, and now she had run off herself, thinking she could escape it. Well, she was wrong. He determined to escape it, too, as much as he could.
He told the child's grandmother he had to keep working, and that he would stop in once or twice a month when his work route crossed the town. It turned out to be once or twice a year. Some years he didn't even visit at all.
It was a tragic story, but Leaf was always thankful her parents did leave her. If they hadn't she never would have been raised by her grandmother. She was a strange lady with an unhealthy amount of cats, but Leaf loved her. Old Lady Green, that's what they called her. To the rest of the world she was crazy, but she genuinely loved Leaf. She was the only person who spoke well of Leaf's mother, as well. She told her stories about when Leaf's mother was just a child. The fun she had. The dreams she had. She never spoke about the life she fell into later in her life. The drugs. The prostitution. Leaf learned all of that a few years later from a few of the meaner Old-Timers in town.
Leaf was eight when her grandmother died suddenly.
When the police finally tracked down her father with the news, he was unemployed and on the verge of being homeless. Once he was informed that Leaf had inherited Old Lady Green's run down cottage, he packed the little he had and moved in. He got rid of the cats, and with a look of disgust on his face made a vow they would only stay a few months; just long enough for him to find another job. He wanted to get out of that God forsaken town as fast as possible. The memories and the shame were still thick and wouldn't leave him alone. He just needed one more whiskey to calm his nerves and help him create a plan.
He was still planning to get a job. Still planning to leave. Still drinking that one last whiskey.
Unlike her grandmother, her father believed Leaf was destined for the same life as her mother, and if he was sitting in his chair, then he was always quick to tell her so. She looked just like her: beautiful to distraction with eyes that never told him the truth. Even when she was telling the truth, she was lying. Just like her mother.
Last year he had walked in on her changing and saw the fresh tattoo dancing across her stomach. It was the same one her mother had, the Red Fox. Since that day he began to hate his daughter as much as he did the woman he was convinced had ruined his life.
In her room, Leaf was lying on her bed. She tried not to think about Jay and about what had happened. She tried to just let it fall out of her mind, but she couldn't. No guy had ever refused an offer of sex before. She seriously never believed that was possible. They were all the same, weren't they?
Although she had slept with more than a handful of guys, she wasn't the kind of girl her reputation made her out to be. People in school thought she had slept with hundreds of guys. Idiots. It was probably closer to ten. Well, twelve to be exact. If she counted Berkley as half a man, because he was, then eleven and a half.
She didn't even like having sex with guys. She didn't know why she had become so quick to sleep with them, either. When she was younger, much younger, her Nanna would tell her stories about men, great men, men of valor; men who didn't try to destroy the hearts of women. She would tell her about magical men. Men not of this world. Better men. Leaf had never met such a man, and later in life she concluded her Nanna, who lived her whole life without a man in the house, was just making up fantasies to make her granddaughter smile.
But maybe such men did exist after all. Maybe she had just met a great man. A man not of this world. A better man.
7.
The next day Jay walked to school alone. When he walked up the stairs he was met by a guy who had the biggest head he had ever seen; his face was enormous. Jay thought his heart would start racing faster, but it didn't. Something about the mountain in front of him didn't cause him any anxiety. He was just too goofy l
ooking.
“I hear you're from New York,” he mumbled.
“Yeah, that's right.”
“My brother moved to New York last year. His name's Brad, do you know him?”
Jay smiled, raising his eyebrows.
“19 million people live in New York, you know?”
“Yeah . . . so, do you know him?”
“Um, let me think for a second . . . Brad . . . actually, I think I met him once. He has an enormous face, right?”
Brick grinned.
“Yeah, that's him all right. Hey, that's pretty cool that you know him.”
Jay nodded. “Next time you speak with Brad, tell him Jay said hello. He'll know me, we're all friends in New York.”
He made his way around Brick's huge frame and began walking to his locker. He heard him following. He didn't want trouble, and Big Face, although he looked like a goof ball, was big enough to be trouble.
“Hey, Jay, wait up. I got another question.”
“Sure—By the way, what's your name?”
“Don, but everyone calls me Brick.
“OK, Brick. What's your question.”
“New York is pretty big, huh?”
Is this guy serious?
“Pretty big? Yeah, you could say that.”
“How many schools they got in New York?”
“Not sure. About a million.”
“What about your school, was it bigger than this one?”
“Twice the size.”
“And the name, was it as lame as 'Jacksonville Rowe High'.
“Worse, it was “Lady Abigail the 2nd.”
A huge greasy grin flashed across Brick's face.
“Yeah, that is pretty stupid.”
They way Brick emphasized stupid worried Jay.
He walked off without a goodbye, and Jay began to wonder if Big Face was going to become another problem to add to his list.
8.
“This is bad, Jay. This is bad bad.”
Day Two and things were already turning out to be even worse than his last school experience. He had run away from that situation, begging his parents to let him move and finish his final year someone else, anywhere else. He had been in two other schools in New York, and each school had a bully who had made Jay's life miserable. Running from one school to the next one down the street, then another one across town wasn't enough. He had needed to get out of New York. He needed to go where nobody knew him. He wanted a fresh start.
It was his aunt who offered to take him in for six months. Jacksonville was a small town, it had a smaller school, and he had hoped that also meant it had a smaller pool of bullies.
Day Two and the shit had already hit the fan. He put his spoon down. Rick was right, the cafeteria food was awful.
“Nothing happened,” he said. “We just went for a walk, that's all.”
“It doesn't matter what really happened, it's what everyone thinks happened that you should be worried about. Berkley's little birds have been telling him tales all morning. He's after you.” Rick shook his head and exhaled loudly. “I told you to leave her alone.”
Jay stared down at the worst looking minestrone soup he'd ever seen. He could cry. God, it wasn't fair. He just wanted to do his art, to keep to himself, and finish school without living in fear.
“Nothing happened,” he said under his breath in frustration.
Rick drew a little closer to Jay and whispered, “Come one man, we all know what she's like.”
“What does that mean?”
“She's easy, that's all. There's only one reason she brings guys into the woods. Everyone knows that. She's got a past that's dirtier than a pig in mud.”
Jay shook her head. “You don't know her. No one here knows her.”
“And you do?”
“I know she has something in her that's beautiful. I felt it the first moment I saw her. I felt it the whole time I was with her.” He shook his head, “But this whole damn town is trying to make her wear an identity that's not hers.”
“Listen man, it's not just Leaf, it's her whole family; they've had the same reputation for generations. Understand? You can't change that.”
Jay shook his head. “But I don't have to believe it, either—and I don't believe it.”
Rick grabbed Jay and pulled him closer to him, and whispered. “Listen, I'm trying to help you out. Leave her alone, and when you see Berkley, run. You understand me? Run.”
While Jay and Rick were talking, Berkley walked into the cafeteria. He scanned the room until he spotted the New Guy. He kept his eye on him as he lined up to get his food. Jay didn't notice Berkley. He seemed to be engrossed in a conversation with the nerdy School Captain.
Taking his tray, he made his way over to Jay's table. When he was about two tables away he watched as Jay stood up and began to walk for the exit.
“Hey, New Guy,” Berkley called out. Jay turned. “I want to talk with you. Sit back down.”
Rick had his back to Berkley and was staring at Jay. He mouthed the words 'run'.
He didn't want to run. But he couldn't stay. He knew what would happen if he did; it would only result in him being humiliated. Fear gripped his heart. He stood there frozen, unable to move either way.
“I said, sit down!” Berkley slammed his fist on the table next to him. The whole cafeteria was now paying attention.
Fear. It coursed through his veins like poison. He had experienced this scene in his last school, and he knew how it ended if he let Berkley have his way. No, not again. He turned and ran for the exit.
Berkley threw a piece of bread into his mouth, and chewed proudly. He looked into the corner of the cafeteria where Leaf was sitting on her own. He stood up and waltzed over to her.
“New Guy isn't much of a man, now is he? Too scared to even have a simple conversation with me.”
“Get lost,” she said without looking up.
He sat down, ignoring what she just said. He leaned closer, “Now we're even, huh?”
Now she looked up. “What are you talking about?”
“My little fling with Lucy in the ladies toilets, your little fling with New Guy in the woods,” he whispered, “I'd say that makes us even, and we can get back to business between us.”
She looked at him with disgust. “Nothing happened in the woods, Peewee.”
Berkley's eyes widened. He looked almost scared for a split second. He leaned in closer to her, “Hey, keep your voice down,” he quickly scanned the room to make sure no one had heard her, “Let's talk about this like grown ups.”
She stood up and threw her napkin in his face, “You're a boy, a little boy.”
“Better than being a coward—like New Guy.”
“He's more of a man than you'll ever be.”
Berkley shot her a wicked grin. “I thought you said nothing happened in the woods, princess. Lying again, are we?”
She shook her head, then leaned down and grabbed his shirt, and said, “It's precisely because nothing happened that makes him a man. Something you'll never understand. You don't have your brains in the right place to understand it.”
She turned and walked out of the cafeteria.
Berkley leaned back on his chair. He looked around at the table next to him and grinned.
“Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen,” he said. He gave a few of the jocks sitting there a wink. “Just playing the game.”
9.
Leaf walked outside. She needed a smoke. She didn't smoke much, just when she was especially pissed off. She walked down to the maintenance building and slid behind it, through the gap. When she got through and turned around she saw that someone else had already had the same idea.
Jay was sitting there, a cigarette in his mouth and his sketch book on his lap.
“What are you drawing,” she asked. He looked up.
“Nothing really—still waiting for inspiration.”
“You're an artist?” she asked. He nodded.
He continued doodling on his page. He
didn't look up when he said, “It took me an hour to find my way out of the woods yesterday.”
She pulled out a cigarette and put it in her mouth.
“We've all got problems to deal with—got a light?”
Now he looked up. He pulled out a lighter from his pocket. She walked over, leaned in front of him and let him light her cigarette.
“Why'd you run away from Berkley?”
“Because I'm a coward.”
“That's not true.”
He threw his cigarette to the side. “Yes, it is,” he insisted.
“You're a better man than he is,” she replied. “You shouldn't be afraid of him.”
He shook his head. “My whole life, I've had someone like him breathing down my neck, making my life miserable. I don't want to be a victim anymore. I don't want to sit there and let him pour my lunch over my head, or force me to slap myself in the face, or pin me to the floor until I beg for mercy. I'd rather run. To hell with him.”
She wondered if he was as mad at her as he was at Berkley. He should be, she thought. She had used him yesterday to get back at her ex-boyfriend. She'd left him alone in the woods alone without knowing how to get out. She had made him the center of attention for all the wrong reasons. She shook her head in shame. One more thing to add to her list of wickednesses.
“Do you want me to leave?” she asked.
“No,” he replied. He didn't look up, he just pointed. “I want you to sit over there and let me draw you.”
“What?”
“I want to draw you. I want to show you how I see you.”
“I know what I look like. I have a mirror I look at every day.”
He looked up. “But you don't know what you look like on the inside. I want to show you.”
“And you know, do you?”
He looked back down at his sketch book, and said, “Yes, I do. Now sit.”
“Forget it.” She turned and headed back to the gap she had came in from. She was half way through when she heard Jay speaking behind her.
“You think everyone sees you the same way, but you don't know how I see you. Give me ten minutes and I'll show you.”
