by Kim Hunter
And, just like that, he was gone.
Berkley began to laugh.
“A better man?” He turned back to Leaf, “He's a coward! Nothing more, nothing less.”
He expected that to shut the mouth of Leaf once and for all, but he was mistaken. Instead she lunged at him and threw her finger in his face.
“He's no coward. You're the coward! Do you hear me, you're the one who doesn't even know what it means to be human!” She turned and grabbed her things before pointing to Berkley once more, “And he'll take me to the Ball tonight, you'll see.”
“Well, then, let's see!” he replied, ready to take up her challenge. He stood up on the chair and called out to everyone. “Let's see if New Guy asks this loser to the Ball,” he was now the one pointing at Leaf. “You're all witnesses. We'll see who's the Man and who's the little boy tonight.”
He looked down and grinned at Leaf. His stupid looking face made her feel sick in her stomach.
She turned and raced out of the cafeteria.
After a few minutes, she caught up to Jay, who was already off the school property and walking away as fast as he could.
“Wait,” she called out from behind him, but he kept walking.
She sped up, quickly overtaking him and then swinging around and forcing him to stop.
“Why did you do that to me? Why did you humiliate me like that?” he asked, his eyes mixed with a red anger and a wet sadness.
“I only did what you're doing to me,” she replied.
“What am I doing to you? Humiliating you?”
“No, you're making me believe!”
“In what?”
“In who I truly am, not what others tell me. Not what my past tells me, but what my heart tells me. That's what you're making me believe.”
“What does that have to do with making me look like a fool in front of the whole school?”
She grabbed him and forced him to stop and face her.
“Because my heart is telling me the truth about you, that you're a brave man. That you're a courageous man. That you're not afraid.”
“But I am afraid.” He tried to walk off but she held onto his arm and wouldn't let go.
“No, you're not!” she said emphatically. “You believe that, but it's not the truth—do those words sound familiar? That's what you told me the other day. Do you know that those words have been transforming my heart for days now? They have been giving me hope, making me see the truth. They are your words, words of life, and they are as true for you as they are for me.
“I just want to be left alone without bullies ruining my life, without living in fear!”
He broke her grip and pulled his hand back to his side. He began to walk off again. Leaf didn't move. She watched him walk off.
“Well, sometimes you've got to face your fears before you can live without them!” she called out.
He stopped but didn't look back, and replied, “It's easier to run. It's safer.”
Leaf raced up to him and stood in front of him again. He gazed at the concrete sidewalk. Slowly, she tilted his head up from the ground so that he was looking her in the eyes. “But running away is not who you are, because you are not a coward. You are a brave man and you don't have to run. You don't have to hide. That's not who you are.”
She took his hand. “Come on, forget about class, I want to show you something.”
He looked up, still unsure what to do, but her eyes gave him comfort. They gave him enough reason to follow her.
“Where are we going?” he asked.
“Back to my secret place.”
17.
She led him though the woods, back to the same ledge she had brought him to the first day they had met.
“Does this place look familiar?”
“Please, don't ask me to take my clothes off again.”
She smiled.
“Don't worry. I didn't bring you here for that. I want to share something with you. Something personal. Something I haven't told another soul before.”
She sat down, leaning against a large boulder, and he did likewise.
“This spot was the birthplace of hope for my Nanna. Over the past few years I turned it into a place of shame, a place I gave myself to guys I shouldn't have. A place that made me feel hopeless. But you've changed that. You broke that pattern, and you've made it a place of hope for me again. You've made it what it has always represented for me once again.”
Leaf picked up a few twigs and rubbed them between her fingers.
"My Nanna, she hardly left the house, but when I was six years old she brought me here and told me the story of the Red Fox.”
“Your tattoo?”
“Her tattoo. She had it before my mother, and before me.”
“You all have the tattoo of the Red Fox on your stomach?” Jay asked in amazement.
Leaf nodded. “You know, I've forgotten how to share things that are personal with someone else.”
“You don't have to,” Jay said. “You can wait if you're not ready.”
“No, I want to.” She threw the twigs out of her hands, pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “I want to remember what it feels like to let someone into my heart.”
She took a deep breath.
“When I was a child I was abandoned by my mother. My dad was a trucker, and too unstable to look after me, so he left me with my Nanna. She raised me. 'Old Lady Green',” she said. “Ask around, you'll hear plenty of stories—all of them lies of course. The whole town thought she was crazy, and maybe to them she was, but not to me. To me she was Nanna, and she was the best grandmother I could have wished for. Our house was full of cats, and she never had visitors. I guess it was easy to judge her from the outside and think she was crazy, but if you knew her heart like I did, you'd know she wasn't mad. You'd know she was a beautiful woman.”
She took a deep breath and glanced up at the sky, perhaps up at her Nanna.
“She had this same Red Fox tattooed on her stomach as I do. We all got it when we were sixteen. Back in her youth, my Nanna said she spent a lot of time in these woods. At the time she was dating the preacher's son. She dreamed of marrying him but he was more interested in examining her body. They began a sexual relationship, and after a few months of secret meetings she told him she was pregnant. He was suddenly overcome with a religious shame and turned on her, calling her more hateful words than she could bring herself to share with me. He blamed her for their sin, calling her a harlot. He broke off their relationship there and then, and swore the child was not his. She had never felt so alone, so dirty, and so ashamed. She ran to this spot, into the woods, and cried her heart dry.”
She looked up at Jay and smiled.
“And it was here that she first met the Red Fox.”
Leaf pointed to the small bushes where the rock ledge ended and the woods began.
“He stood right there and watched her cry. When she stopped crying he listened to her scream out her frustrations. He listened to her blame her boyfriend, blame herself, blame God, blame everyone else. She then started blaming the Red Fox, screaming at it to leave her alone, to leave her like everyone else had. But the Red Fox didn't leave, so she tried to give it every reason to leave her. She poured out every sin, every wickedness, every selfish act she had ever performed, but the Red Fox didn't leave, he only tilted his head and listened. When she had nothing left to say, no one left to blame, no more sins to confess, she sat down in silence. And, as the story goes, it was then that the Red Fox walked slowly up to her and lay in her lap, gently resting against her stomach.”
Jay listened, captivated by the story.
“Nanna held the Red Fox, and began to cry once more. This time her tears were not bitter. They were thankful tears. Thankful that the Red Fox was there to comfort her. Thankful that she wasn't completely alone in her time of need. When she finished crying this second time the Red Fox stood up and walked back to the edge of the woods. It turned around once, nodded at her, a
nd then disappeared into the woods.”
“Wow, that's incredible.”
“Yeah, I think so, too.”
Leaf began to get teary. She had never told this story to anyone, and it was more than just opening up to Jay, it was the memory of her beloved Nanna that brought out all her emotions. Beautiful emotions. The kind of emotions you only have when reminded of someone you loved with all your heart. She took a deep breath and continued her story.
“The next day her boyfriend's father began a public witch-hunt against her. He rallied the whole town and made them believe all the nasty lies he had made up to protect his son and his own religious reputation. It was horrible. She had no one to turn to, but her thoughts came back to the Red Fox. She had bared her soul and her sins to it, and yet it stayed and listened, and didn't judge her. The Red Fox was her sign of comfort in this time of her greatest pain. That evening she travelled to the next town and had the tattoo done. She said it was to remind her that no matter how many mistakes she made in life, she had a friend, her Red Fox, willing to listen without judgement.”
When Leaf turned to Jay she saw a tear was running down his face. The story had touched something deep in his own soul as well.
“When my mother turned sixteen,” Leaf continued, “she asked if she could get the same tattoo. I guess she wanted a friend to be with her, too—someone who wouldn't judge her. Nanna agreed and brought her to the same tattoo parlor and even paid for her to have the same tattoo. The whole town already thought she was crazy, but this sent the rumors into overdrive. Well, she didn't care. She wanted her daughter to always have the same memory of hope she had. And she promised me, if I wanted, that when I turned sixteen she'd bring me there to have the same tattoo done, as well. She never made it to my sixteenth birthday, but she was with me in my heart when I stepped into that tattoo parlor.”
Leaf turned and looked at Jay again, “I understand more about my Nanna now. I know that all those rumors, the slander and the accusations, they did eventually break her. They pushed her into seclusion, away from those who tortured her with their accusing eyes,” Leaf pointed to her tattoo again, “but her Red Fox, he never judged her. Her Red Fox was a true friend to her. That's why I wanted the tattoo. For my Nanna, and for myself, too. To be reminded that not everyone will judge me and leave me; that out there, somewhere, someone understands me. Even if I didn't know who they were, they were out there somewhere.”
Jay reached out and held Leaf's hand.
“Your Nanna was a beautiful person.”
Leaf nodded. “In this town, I've only ever heard people speak bad of her. I've never heard a single person talk about her as she truly was, but I know it. She was the best. I miss her everyday.”
They sat there in silence. Jay put his arm around her and pulled her closer to him, and she leaned her head on his shoulder and began to cry. She cried for a long time while he sat and comforted her. After some time, Leaf said, “She had a heart condition. That's how she died.”
Jay bent down and kissed the top of her head softly.
“I'm sorry.”
“Me too. When she died everything in my life changed.” Leaf pulled herself up to eye level with Jay. He moved his hand from around her shoulder, lowering it til he held her around her waist. She tucked herself in tighter next to him. “I still have a promise I made her all those years ago, and it's the only reason I'm still here—I want to tell you about it, because I know now that you're a part of the story.”
Jay smiled and allowed her to keep sharing.
“She had no money. Her medication took most of her welfare check, and there was nothing new in our house. I was too young to care. I had my Nanna, and that was enough. I didn't even know clothes could be new.” She laughed. “The first time I ever had anything new to wear was the day I first started school. I woke up and on my bed was a new dress, new socks, and new shoes from Dacy's. That's the most expensive clothing boutique in town. Only the rich shop there, but somehow my Nanna had managed to dress me in the best for my first day of school. On the floor was a new bag full of new books, a new ruler, and a new pencil. I was so excited, I ran down and hugged my Nanna's legs. It was the only time I ever saw her cry. She took me back to my room and helped me get dressed. Before I left the house that day she said to me, 'I've done all I can to make sure you start school well, now promise me you'll do all you can to finish well.' I promised her I would.
“Every year that followed, when I woke on the first day of school, there was a new dress, new socks and new shoes from Dacy's. She'd help me get dressed, and say the same thing to me, and I'd make her the same promise.”
Leaf turned back to Jay.
“She died when I was eight. I found out later she had stopped buying her medication at the same time I started school. She saved all year for those clothes.”
“Oh, Leaf, I'm so sorry,” Jay said.
“Nanna's the only reason I'm still here. Despite what people say about me, despite my own mistakes and weaknesses, despite wanting to give up each day, I'm still here—because she believed in me.”
She turned and looked at Jay.
“I never met anyone who believed in me like that again, not until I met you. You're the only one who saw more than my pretty face and my easy reputation. You're the only one who believed in what you saw in me rather than what you'd heard about me. You're the only one who's made me believe my past really doesn't dictate my future.”
She pulled herself closer, putting her arms around him, too. They were locked together, holding one another as close as they could. Their noses were touching and their eyes were locked, just as they were when they'd first met.
“You talk about being a coward, but you're the bravest person I've met. Everyone expects me to fail, wants me to fail, except you. You want me to see my inner beauty, because that's what you see in me. Well, I want you to see your courage, because that's what I see in you. You think you're a coward because you were bullied and you ran away. But you're not. You see the artist in you, and you live by that. But, there's a man of courage in you, too. If you can't see him right now, you need to look harder, because I see him—I see you. There's something in you that takes more courage than standing up to bullies. There's something inside of you that takes more courage than anything else in this world. It's the courage to search inside yourself, to be true to yourself, to discover yourself. Only the truly brave dare to do such a thing, and you don't even realize it. You can't see how much courage it takes to live like you live, to be who you are.”
She fell silent and gave her words space to settle in his heart. She waited and let him look inside; to see how he truly was, to see it in the reflection of her eyes.
“Through you, I've seen the truth about myself. You've made me believe that my internal beauty is a masterpiece. Now,” she said, “look into my eyes and tell me you can see your courage; look into my eyes and believe what's inside you as much as you believe what's in me.”
“I see it,” he said. He did see it.
He saw everything he ever wanted to be in the reflection of her eyes.
He leaned over and kissed her. It was a passionate kiss, pulling their hearts together, causing stars to be born and all the heavens to sing. Their tongues danced, causing electricity to shoot through their bodies. He touched her face, she grabbed his side, and they allowed all the love they dreamed of sharing with another pour out of them. They kissed, and knew this was the moment of clarity, of understanding, they had been waiting for all their lives. This was why their first glance had held so much power.
As they embraced, they understood why they had to meet; they realized that they needed to find each other in order to fully find themselves. And through each other, they did find themselves. They found the truth they hadn't been able to believe alone. She was pure, he was courageous, and together they were fully alive.
He pulled her up to her feet, and wrapped his arms around her waist. She threw her arms around his neck. Jay felt courage ignite in
his spirit. Leaf felt her inner beauty shine so bright its light began to consume every part of her. He kissed her again with a passion greater than his love for art. He loved her; he loved everything about her. She was more than a masterpiece. She was more than perfect. She was more than anything he had ever experienced.
18.
How long they stayed there kissing, talking and laughing they didn't know. But when Jay noticed the sun would soon be setting he was shocked. He glanced at his watch to see what time it was.
“Oh, wow, it's late—but we still have time.”
“For what?”
He knelt down on one knee and looked up at Leaf, “Will you go to the Ball with me tonight?”
She laughed. “My very own Prince Charming—Yes, a thousand times, yes!”
He stood to his feet and grabbed her hand, “Then come on, we've got one more stop to make before we make our grand entrance tonight.” He pulled her in front of him. “You get us out of these woods and I'll lead from there.”
“Lead us where?”
“To Dacy's!” He wrapped his arms around her again, kissing her lips and declaring, “You need a new dress, new socks and new shoes.”
She grabbed him and held him close.
“It's a beautiful idea, but we can't—I don't have the money to buy a new dress.”
“You don't need money,” he said. “I've been saving all year for this moment.”
She stopped him from running off, and asked, “Have you seen how much a dress at Dacy's costs?”
“No, but it can't be more than the price of an etch board.”
“A what?”
“Come on! I'll explain along the way.”
They raced out of the woods and down to where Jay lived. He raced up the stairs, into his room and pulled out his savings. He counted the notes quickly. $670. That was enough, he was sure. He raced back outside, grabbed Leaf's hand and together they walked quickly into town.
“I've been saving all year for a new etch board for my art, but now I can see the real reason I was saving. I know it now. It was for you. For this very moment—and you're worth it. You're worth more than all the riches in the world.”
