I leant back and stared at him. “You’re not fucking God, Nate!” I exclaimed, angry that James had made Nate feel guilty for what he had done. “You did get here in time, you got here in time to stop him raping me in front of our son. Do you know what that means to me, Nate? What it would have done to me if Jay had watched that?”
I was so angry I was screaming at him. “How is any of this your fucking fault? Eh? If it’s anybody’s fault it’s mine for not standing up to him and leaving him sooner. It’s my fucking fault for marrying the bastard and putting up with it for years because I was a stupid, frightened little woman that couldn’t stand up for herself.”
My chest was heaving. I was shaking with rage but not at Nate or James, my fury was aimed at myself for all the sorry years I had cowed down and took James’s shit.
I climbed out of the bath but Nate tried to pull me back in. “Don’t touch me, Nate” I spat, so fucking angry with myself.
“Liv! Please, none of this is your fault. It’s him, baby, this is all him,” he begged as he came to embrace me but I pushed him away.
“No, Nate! It’s my fault that Jay has had too much pain in his life.”
Nate frowned and shook his head. “Liv! You have done a fucking brilliant job raising him; you did that all on your own, baby.”
He was pleading with me now and I shook my head and laughed bitterly, “You have no fucking idea how bad James was to him Nate, he was cruel and twisted, always trying to make him cry. If I had been stronger and done what was needed!”
I swiped my hand across the vanity, scattering the contents over the bathroom floor. “Baby, please!” Nate cried, pinning me in his arms, embracing me tightly.
“Get off me, Nate” I screamed and pushed against him.
“Not till you calm down” he said calmly.
“CALM FUCKING DOWN?” I thundered, “Calm down? That bastard wanted to rape our son, Nate!” I screamed as I went into meltdown, wrenching from Nate’s grasp and destroying the bathroom in a blind fury.
Gripping the cabinet and pulling it from the wall I threw it across the room, smashing it to pieces and smashing bottles as it hit the wall. My fist struck the mirror, splintering it into a thousand little mirrors, sprinkling over the bathroom carpet and showering us with a dusting of glass. I pummelled the shower cubicle door, cracking it forcibly and cutting my knuckles to shreds.
“Okay, that’s enough,” Nate growled as he grasped me round the waist, flung open the bathroom door and carried, me kicking and screaming into the bedroom.
He laid us both down on the bed, me still fighting to let out my rage as he held me tight and tighter still.
My anger subsided when my brain started to shut down, it was always the same with me. It was my coping mechanism and I had always done it much to James fury and annoyance but it was something I couldn’t control and my body slumped as I passed out.
Nate still clung on to me, his own tears and distress controlling him whilst his body heaved against my motionless body, his mental limit at breaking point as his own meltdown finally took over.
Chapter Twenty -Six
I HAD SLEPT through the afternoon and night, my body needing to recover and heal itself. I woke with the birds as they sang happily to the rising sun. Nate was curled around me, heavily hugging me to him as he slept.
I turned to face him but he didn’t stir, his beautiful face relaxed and carefree in his dreams. I loved this man with all that I was, he had made me whole and happy again, but I was just bringing him heartbreak and pain. The torture of my life spilling freely into his, and the agony of that made my heart ache.
His eyes were flicking under his eyelids, a sign that he was having his own private vision, a fantasy to escape from the nightmare of our lives.
I smiled softly and left the bed, wrapping myself in my robe and going down to the kitchen in desperate need of coffee.
Jay was sat at the kitchen table, staring through the window in a trance. He didn’t hear me as I walked over and kissed the top of his head, putting my arms around his shoulders and following the direction of his gaze.
His arms came to rest over mine as he sighed and rested his head back against me. “Morning, you feeling better?”
I nodded against him. “You?” My gaze dropped to his sore wrists, grimacing at the sight of them.
He nodded and rose from his chair. “Coffee?” he asked, giving me a smile. I nodded and sat down in the chair next to his.
Placing the mug on the table in front of me he took hold of my hand and held it tight. “I’m so sorry, Mum.”
His eyes watered and his face crumpled as I shook my head at him. “Don’t Jay, none of this is your fault. Don’t you dare blame yourself for this.”
The pain on his face made my chest heave as his fist slammed on the table. “But if I hadn’t been phone fucking with bloody Jess then I would have been more alert, I would have seen him before it was too late.”
I laughed without humour at his words. “You are so much like your father it’s frightening. Jay, sweetheart, if you had walked in on guard with a bloody SAS back up team, he would have still got to you. He plans things to within a millimetre, works things over in his mind one hundred times before doing it, it’s how he always was. Nothing you did or didn’t do would have made a difference to yesterday, I promise.”
He squeezed my hand in confirmation. “DC Yale came around last night to take a statement but you were kind of smashing up the bathroom at the time.” He rolled his eyes but smiled. “She said she’ll ring you today sometime.”
I nodded and went to refill my mug. “I really think you ought to go and get your wrists checked.” I urged when he unconsciously rubbed at them.
“Nah, they’re fine but you ought to mum, your lip looks a bit of a mess.” I wrinkled my nose and shook my head.
“Hey,” I heard Nate say as he entered the kitchen and came over to kiss me. I smiled and poured him a coffee. “You Okay, Liv?” He frowned at my battered appearance. The bruising had worsened overnight and my complete face was covered in cuts and bruises.
He sighed, running his finger delicately over my cheek and across the split on my lip. I covered his hand with my own, giving him a reassuring smile. “It looks worse than it feels Nate, I’m good.”
He nodded glumly with a deep sigh then turned to Jay. “You okay?” he asked as he slipped into a chair.
“Yeah I’m good. I was just telling Mum that DC Yale came last night but you were both busy so she’s calling back today.”
Nate nodded and sipped his coffee, lost in his own mind for a moment. “Not that she’ll do anything,” Nate murmured, more to himself than us.
Jay shrugged and sighed. “She said there was a warrant out for his arrest and they were looking for him but . . .” He shrugged again, a defeated look on his face.
We stood silent for a while before Jay stood and took something from his backpack, handing it to Nate. “Happy birthday for yesterday.” He smiled softly at his dad as Nate took the card and gift.
“Thank you.” Nate grinned.
“At least I get to give it you in person this year,” Jay smiled. They locked eyes for a second, each saying lots without words.
Nate opened the card and then unwrapped the gift. It was a pair of gold cufflinks with ‘Dad’ engraved beautifully into each. He stared at them for a long time, his breathing slow and steady as Jay’s hand came across the table to cover his Dad’s.
“Bit of a shitty birthday though, eh?” Jay said with a huff.
“Actually, having you both here overshadowed the shit,” Nate said as he shrugged and smiled to himself, then stared at us both in turn. “We won’t let him win, I promise,” he said sternly and determinedly.
Jay and I shifted our gaze out of the window, both of us not quite having the heart to dispute Nate’s words.
* * *
It was Sunday which meant mine and Beth’s’ weekly get together but it was my turn to cook and to be honest I was happy for
the distraction, working in the kitchen took my mind off things for a while.
Beth arrived and took one look at me as she entered the kitchen through the rear door. “What the Fuck?” she gasped. I lowered my eyes. “James?” she breathed, her chest heaving as she bit her lip as I nodded slightly.
She turned to Nate and narrowed her eyes as he was stood by the fridge. “And where the hell were you?” she demanded.
“Beth!” I warned but she shook her head.
“You are supposed to be taking care of her. Look at her!”
I grasped her arm. “It wasn’t Nate’s fault Beth, he got to us before anything bad happened.” Nate looked at the floor and shuffled his feet.
“Before anything bad happened, look at the fucking state of you!” Her eyes narrowed. “What do you mean ‘us’?”
I turned away, knowing how she would react. “He got to Jay first,” I whispered.
“WHAT!” she squealed, her chest heaving. She adored Jay and vice versa, he was the baby she never had and they had both nurtured a great love for each other.
I bit my lip and Nate came over to me, slipping his arms around my shoulders. “Beth,” he cautioned as he took in her anger.
“Where is he?” she wheezed. I gestured to the lounge and as she disappeared through the door Nate enfolded me in his arms.
“She always did have a way of saying things” he sighed.
“She’s right to be angry at me Nate, I didn’t protect him.” I shrugged and he scowled at me.
“Don’t, Liv.” His lips brushed over mine as my phone rang and he picked it up, checking the caller display as he passed it me. “DC Yale” he huffed.
“Hi, Mandy,” I greeted.
“Olivia, how are you?” I could hear the concern in her voice.
“I’m okay, any news?” I asked eager to get it over with.
I heard her sigh which confirmed that no, there was no news or sightings of James. “I need him caught, Mandy,” I said angrily. “He hurt Jay and that’s not something I want to witness ever again. I need him caught.”
She repeated her deep sigh. “I know Olivia, we’re trying our best, I promise. I need to get a statement and photograph your injuries, is there any chance you can nip into the station today?”
“Can’t you do it here?” I asked, moaning at the thought of spending yet another day in the police station. I had internal knowledge of every crack in the walls, every single scuff mark on the doors and nearly every bloody officer in that place after all the time I had spent there years ago.
“I can’t Olivia. I need the medic to take a look at you and document all your injuries. I promise I’ll rush you through so you’re not here too long,” she apologised.
“Okay.” I relented and sighed. “Can we make it about 3, I have lunch to do?” She confirmed the appointment and ended the call as I stared out of the window.
Nate took my hand, his thumb skimming over my sore knuckles from the shower door. “I’ll come with you.” I nodded as I busied myself with finishing the lunch. “And then you’re moving back into mine” he added firmly.
* * *
We both kissed Jay goodbye as he set off back to university and we headed for the police station. “Please be careful Jay, stay with your mates at all times,” I told him as I gave him a final hug.
Nate handed him an envelope as he also embraced him and Jay frowned at him. “It’s nothing, but wait until you get back to open it,” Nate winked and then gave me a flick of his eyes.
Jay laughed and nodded as he climbed into his car. “See you guys later, and Mum, don’t leave Dad’s side.”
He drove off as a tear dropped onto my cheek. Nate arms settled around my shoulders. “He’ll be fine Liv, he’s sensible. I don’t think James even knows which uni he’s at.”
I sighed and shook my head. “He didn’t know where I live and my phone number but it didn’t stop him finding out, did it?”
Nate placed my bag into his boot and climbed in the car. “Come on, let’s get this over with,” he grumbled. I knew it was hard for him, knowing what I was going to have to go through at the station and that he wouldn’t be allowed to go into the interview room with me.
I grabbed his hand and turned to him. “Nate, it’ll be fine, I promise. I’ve done this before and it’s not so bad.” I forced a smile. He nodded but I could tell he knew I was lying to protect him.
He was silent all the way to the station, the quiet was making me nervous and I was quite moody by the time we got there.
As we walked through the doors to reception he took my hand but I shook it off. I was annoyed at him for making me feel guilty, upsetting him and making him worry. I felt as though it was an effort for him to be there for me, awkward for him to walk into a police station and his mood made me feel accountable for having to bring him here.
He tried to take my hand again as I walked over to the front desk but I glared at him. “Liv?” he questioned with a frown. I just shook my head at him and turned to the desk duty sergeant.
“Hi, Olivia Adams to see DC Yale.” He gestured to seat in the waiting area. “Take a seat and I’ll let her know you are here,” he smiled warmly.
The waiting area consisted of two chairs and a couch, so I chose a chair, not having the nerve to sit next to Nate without starting an argument.
He narrowed his eyes at me and leaned over to whisper. “Liv, what’s wrong?”
I rolled my eyes and scoffed. “Don’t Nate, not here,” I hissed.
He glared at me. “What?” I shook my head at him and turned away. He rose from the couch and came to my side, squatting low next to me as he tried to take my hand but I refused to let him. “Baby, what have I done?”
I huffed and glared at him, “If you didn’t want to come with me Nate, you should have said, I don’t mind coming on my own, I’ve done it plenty of times before, but you said you wanted to come with me.”
He frowned. “What are you on about? I told you I’d come,” he defended but looked a little shamefaced. It confirmed my thoughts on him being embarrassed to be here.
“Well I’ve got enough on my plate without having to cow down to your bloody mood Nate, just go home if you’re ashamed to be here.”
I was pissed off now. I could read each of his thoughts in his face and it hurt that he was more bothered about being in a police station then being there to support me.
“Liv . . .” he started but Mandy walked through the double doors and smiled at me.
“You wanna come through Olivia?” She gestured with her arm for me to follow. Nate got up to come with me.
“Don’t bother Nate, go home and I’ll see you there later,” I snapped. The hurt in his face was visible but I had enough emotions running through me without guilt adding to it.
He stood with his arms by his side as I walked passed him and followed Mandy. I saw his hand reach towards me but he dropped it and bit his lip. The doors closed behind me. I felt completely alone for the first time in weeks.
Three hours and lots of tears later, I walked back through the doors. Nate was still sat on the couch. He lifted his head and his eyes met mine. His body was stiff and his jaw was tight. I couldn’t read his emotions from his expression and I wasn’t sure if it was anger, guilt or shame that coursed through him.
Mandy touched my arm as I walked towards Nate. “You’ve got my number Olivia, ring me for whatever,” she said, a worried expression fixed in her features.
I nodded. “I have you on speed dial.” I laughed slightly and she grinned at me.
“You take care and I’ll be in touch.” She turned and disappeared through the door.
Nate rose slowly from the chair, strolled towards me and sighed, “You ready?” From his tone I could tell it was anger that drove him, and after three hours of hell I was more than ready for him.
I glared at him. “Don’t bother Nate, I’m going home.” I fumed and stomped towards the door. I needed air and wine desperately, and if I didn’t get it soon I wa
s going to kill somebody.
“You’re not going home, Liv,” he hissed.
I scoffed, turning sharply. “Well it’s obvious you don’t need the trouble I’m bringing with me and to be honest Nate, I don’t need an argument along with shame, embarrassment, fear and bloody exhaustion I’m feeling at the moment.”
He narrowed his eyes and took my wrist tightly in his grip. “Get the fuck off me, Nate.” I bristled at his touch as he pulled me towards his car, opened my door and lifted me into the seat, quickly shutting the door before I could get back out.
As he moved round the car I clambered out. I was now really angry at his attitude, how dare he treat me like a bloody child. “Fucks sake, Liv!” he thundered, climbing back out and catching me up as I was walking away. “Will you just get in the fucking car!” he seethed, gripping my arm.
Gritting my teeth and trying to rein in my temper I turned to him. “I don’t need this, Nate. I have been through hell the last forty eight hours and I don’t need to be made to feel guilty for it. Just let me go because to look at you at the moment hurts like fuck, to think that I made you ashamed and embarrassed because of me, really fucking hurts!”
I was gasping for air, so bloody angry at him. He stood there gaping at me. “I’m not ashamed, Liv” he tried but I could read the lie in his words.
“Nate, you’re making this worse, just let me go. I can’t bear to look at you at the moment. I want to get fucking pissed and I wanna do it alone, just go.”
I saw a taxi pulling in the station car park and flagged him down. “Liv, baby please.” Nate was desperate now, gripping my hand tightly. “Baby please, I’m not ashamed, I’m just bloody angry because there’s not a damn thing I can do to help you,” he declared and tightened his hold on me.
I shook him off. “Tell me the truth, Nate. Tell me you weren’t ashamed at walking in a police station, tell me that wasn’t the reason you were seething all the bloody way there?”
The NSC Boxset: Heart of Stone Page 26
