“No.”
She paused before taking a few steps towards me, “I can make you feel good.”
Clamping my teeth over my tongue I sighed heavily, “Do you ever stop, Rebecca? How many times, no. I don’t fucking want you, I have never wanted you and I will never ever want you. The only person I will ever want is Ava, my wife, my beautiful fucking wife. You hear me? My wife.”
Her gulp was loud as my words pierced her. I didn’t give a bloody shit to be honest. “Just go home, Rebecca.”
“But . . .”
“GET THE FUCK OUT!” I roared at her as I flung the whisky bottle an inch from her head. She screamed and jolted as it smashed against the wall beside her.
Great, now I would have to hunt the place for another bottle.
“Fine but you have my number, darling.” She said calmly before she turned and heeded my words.
For Christ sake, this woman was relentless. Never took the hint. I had given her a big enough one, any bigger and it would bloody squash her with its size.
My thirst for whisky was far from quenched and I dragged my weary body through the building to the small bar in the ‘lounge.’
Lounge? That was a fucking joke; it was the waiting room for pussy.
Pushing my glass at the optic and repeating the action three more times until my glass was full, I sank back down into a chair and eyed the room.
It was full of comfy seats and porn. Fucking porn, like who needed fucking porn in a brothel? You was gonna get the deed, who needed the instructions?
I had once loved this place. It had been like a puppy. Training it, watching it, seeing it obey and fill you with a sense of accomplishment.
It had been one of my first ventures in my upcoming rise to stardom; my first cash cow, bringing in swift money for my other undertakings and enterprises.
But now I hated it, loathed it, fucking despised it. It was my first and would be my last.
She had really gone. Really, finally and totally gone.
Refilling my glass, I pulled out my phone and scrolled the contact list until my beautiful wife’s smiling face found me.
I smiled back at her and brushed my fingertip over her cheekbone. “You are so fucking beautiful. You loved me through everything, through all my faults and fuckups. And all I gave you in return was fucking disease, my sick mess of a life wearing you down constantly.”
I hit the message icon and stared at the flashing character, my mind filled with so much I wanted to tell her, but none of it seemed right via text, none of it strong enough for how I felt.
Me:
I know, Ava. I told you I’d fuck it all up and boy, did I do it well, baby. I can’t even say sorry cos’ I know it’s not enough, nowhere near enough.
I just really need you to know that I didn’t and would never sleep with her. I need to explain some things, Ava and I need you to let me.
I can’t fix what I’ve broke, I know that, there isn’t enough glue in the bloody world to fix this but . . . hell, I dunno, baby. It’s all such a mess.
I’ll abide to what you want Ava, but divorce? Not a hope in hell. No, way. Just, no. You’ll always be mine, Ava, even if you’re not mine.
Please, just ring, text, anything so I know you’re ok.
And please, talk to me. I need you to listen, I need you open and I need to be honest.
I love you so god damn much. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I’ll buy you the fucking stars, I will. Just tell me what you want and I’ll deliver it with a fucking smile, baby.
I . . . I’m sorry my little warrior, so fucking sorry.
Xxxx
Chapter 14
Ava
2 weeks later
I WATCHED THE clock roll over to midnight and raised my glass, “Happy Birthday, Ava.”
The vodka was a much welcome gift from the girls at NSC. I had returned there last week. Fuck Mason and his issues with Kade. He didn’t have a say anymore, my life was my own. Mine to do as I pleased, mine to enjoy and relish freedom, mine to mould the way I wanted now.
I hated it, I hated every damn second of it. It was hollow, meaningless and lonely.
Even after everything I couldn’t switch off my heart, what was left of it anyway.
The children knew something was wrong. I had told them he had gone to work overseas for a while but even at six they looked at me with knowing eyes and sad smiles.
Nate and Courtney had been my bricks, their utter love and support had picked me up time and time again.
I felt sick constantly, I was exhausted and I was shaking all the bloody time. It was like I was going through withdrawal, my body craving something that had gone, but it would have to get used to it, its drug was never coming back.
My phone pinged and I glanced at the time again, frowning at the strange time for someone to text.
Mason:
Happy Birthday, baby.
I hope it’s one that answers your dreams,
I love you my little warrior.
Xxx
Why did this man insist on his relentless torture? My craving exploded in my head like fireworks on Guy Fawkes Night as my soul wept in loneliness.
I hadn’t answered any of his previous attempts to contact me. His texts and voicemails had been left unanswered as had his many flowers and notes.
This time I yielded with a simple reply, whether it was because it was the first time in thirteen years I had spent the roll over into my birthday alone or whether my strength at my withdrawal was weak, I wasn’t sure, but I answered nonetheless.
Me:
Thank you.
Mason:
Hey, how are you?
xxx
Me:
Fine.
Mason:
I miss you, Ava. God, I miss you so much.
xxx
Me:
Don’t do this, Mason. Not now, it’s too late.
Mason:
I know . . . can I see Katie and George, I miss them.
xxx
Me:
I dunno, they’re too young to understand what’s going on.
Mason:
Please, baby. Please.
Xxx
Me:
Fine. Nate’s having a BBQ at his for my birthday tonight. You can see them there but please, stay away from me.
He took a while to answer but just as I placed my glass in the dishwasher and gave in to my craving for sleep, he replied.
Mason:
Thank you. I’ll try, baby, but it’s so hard. My lungs have seized up, my heart has stopped beating and my soul . . . it’s searching everywhere for you, Ava. It screams for you.
Xxx
Me:
It’s the only thing I can offer at the moment, Mason. Time with just the children or nothing, I’m sorry; I’m not ready for anything more. I can’t even look at you, never mind talk.
Mason:
Okay, I promise. Thank you.
I love you.
xxx
Carrying my weary body up the stairs I flopped onto the bed and stared at myself through the ceiling mirror Mason had fitted for a previous birthday. It brought a smile to my face, the memory of his excitement as he had uncovered my eyes made me chuckle. He had been like a kid with a new toy and I had wondered at the time if this specific gift had been for me or him. Of course he had presented me with other extravagant presents but it had been this one that had meant the most. It was something I had mentioned in passing and he hadn’t forgotten.
He never forgot. He was always interested in anything I had to say and he never forgot anything I had said; stored it away, in the compartment in his mind that was just for me.
I always considered myself lucky for Mason’s attentiveness and devotion. I had heard the girls at work talk about their husband’s lack of interest in them, other than anything resembling sex, they were on their own but Mason always paid attention and respected anything I had to say.
A smile lifted my lips when I pictured the hap
py faces that Mason’s presence would bring to my children tomorrow. They had missed their daddy with a fierce ache. He was a good father; always listened to what they had to say, helped with their homework and always made sure he spent time with them alone at the weekends. Daddy time was something they had missed and the knowledge that my peanuts were hurting hurt me. I couldn’t deny them the moment with him as I couldn’t deny him time with them.
I just hoped that tomorrow, or rather today now, wouldn’t bring forth Mason’s pre-eminence with me. I knew he struggled to reel in his need for governance over me and if he tried that shit tomorrow then sparks were gonna fly, not just from me, but from both my best friends. Their lack of tolerance with Mason and the constant suffering he lay on me was still enflamed and I knew they wouldn’t take that kind of shit from him. If I broke, they broke.
* * *
“Blow them all mommy; all of them in one go.” George cheered when I sucked in a huge breath and distinguished all thirty two candles that donned the huge pink cake in a single blow.
He grinned at me and clapped with delight as he realised his mommy was cool and had a mega puff. “Never expected anything less with the size of your mom’s mouth, Georgie” Nate winked at him and Katie laughed loudly.
George nodded seriously, “My daddy says my mommy has a big gob, is that the same thing?”
The party of friends surrounding me laughed hard and loud. “It’s exactly the same thing, Georgie” Lucas grinned and I treat him to a severe slap of the arm.
Layla grinned when Lucas rubbed his arm feverishly and swore under his breath, “You’re such a softie, Lucas. I bet Katie has harder skin than you.”
He swooped her up, careful not to danger her hold on Willow who was currently snuggled into Layla’s arms fast asleep.
“You want me to take her?” I asked as Lucas had other ideas for his wife. She winked and nodded as I lifted Willow from her and cradled her gently against me.
She was so utterly perfect, from her tiny long fingers, to her rosy cheeks and plump pink lips.
“Excuse me,” I whispered as the twinge in my heart returned. “I’m just gonna get some air in her lungs, the smoke from the candles must be choking her.”
I ignored Kerrie’s pitying look; if I ignored it, it wasn’t there and that meant I didn’t have to admit to what I was feeling. What I was struggling with.
“Look Willow, the crocuses are out. . . . god damn it.” I squeezed my eyes shut, desperate in my attempts to block the tears from falling, “Not today, eh, Willow, silly me.”
I carried on walking past the huge bouncy castle Liv had hired for the children and down to the brook that ran the length of their garden and perched my arse on the edge. The slight trickle of the water was comforting; it’s rhythm soothing to my ache and the soft mewing of Willow both throbbing my yearning and mollifying the longing.
I had two beautiful, wonderful bright and happy children, what the hell was wrong with me?
A loud sob tore up my throat and left my mouth in a choking gasp.
“You okay?” Jay asked from behind me, making me jump and jolting Willow. Her eyes shot open, she glared, rolled her lips and snuggled back in, once again capturing the peace of sleep.
I nodded but didn’t look up. He settled beside me and I turned away from him, embarrassed and feeling foolish at my distress.
“Hey” he pressed with a soft stroke of his fingers across my arm, “You can’t cry today, it’s your birthday.”
I nodded but couldn’t fight the sniffle that gave away my weeping. “You wanna talk about it?” he asked softly but I shook my head.
“Come here.” He reached an arm around my shoulder and pulled me into him until my head rested on his shoulder. He remained silent as I silently cried, my great big teardrops falling onto his shoulder and ruining what looked like an expensive shirt but he didn’t speak, complain or withdraw from me. He let me get it out without any expectation and I secretly thanked him for it.
“Feeling broody?” he asked cannily after I had calmed. I shot him an incredulous look but he just shrugged. “It’s my thing, I’m good at reading people” he said without apology and I sighed in acceptance but nodded.
“Stupid, I know.” I admitted as I snuggled back into him, his strong chest was comforting, not in a sexual way but kind of safe and reassuring. He was very much like his dad, it was extraordinary.
He shook his head against the top of mine, “No, why would it be?”
“Because I have two wonderful babies already.”
He nodded and exhaled heavily, “Doesn’t mean you don’t want more.”
I didn’t reply, what could I say but ‘yeah.’
“Does Mason know how you’re feeling?”
I shook my head, “We’re not . . . together at the moment.”
“On a break?” he chuckled at the popular phrase.
“Something like that.” I chuckled slightly with him as he squeezed me faintly.
“How many is it now?” he asked with humour and I elbowed him softly.
“Too many” I acquiesced, “story of our lives I’m afraid.”
We were both silent for a while and I could tell Jay had something skimming the tip of his tongue so I peered up at him, “Out with it.”
He snorted and smiled, “Just that, well I dunno quite how to put this.”
“Just say it like it is, I’m a big girl.”
He waggled his eyebrows as his eyes dropped to my chest with a smirk, “Very big, Ava.”
He greeted another elbow to the ribs but laughed. “I’ve had my fair share of . . . ladies, Ava and don’t get me wrong when I say this but so has Mason, hell the man was a whore before you . . .”
I nodded and sighed, not sure I was liking where this was going but I grit my teeth and took it as it came. “But that’s exactly what I’m saying . . . before you. He broke it down, Ava, for you. I have never, and I’ve seen a lot, never seen any man look at a woman so . . . indulgently, the way Mason looks at you. Whatever he has done and knowing Mason, it’s probably epically fucking huge, he bloody adores you Ava. He’d die for you, in an instant.”
“I know” I whispered against him and I did know, but it still didn’t help the hurt that his eight year long lie brought on. “But some things are so far past the point of . . . deceit and pretence that I don’t think I can ever trust another living soul again. I thought I knew him, Jay. I thought we were so tight that secrets and lies were what other married people had, not Mason and I, not us but, he just blew my . . . everything wide apart; so fucking far apart that I’ll never find the pieces to fix this.”
He sighed and planted a kiss atop my head, “You know, don’t tell anyone this but I envy you and Mason, Ava. The love, and . . . connection you share is utterly envious.”
I scoffed and looked up at him, “You, Jay, are the most uninhibited and unrestrained man I know. How can you be jealous of a relationship that doesn’t even register on your radar?” It wasn’t said with insult and he didn’t take it with any.
He shrugged with a sad smile, “Do you ever wonder why I’m like I am, Ava. Has my dad ever . . . discussed my uninhibited behaviour?”
I shook my head firmly, “Your dad wouldn’t do that Jay, he would never talk down about you.”
“No, I didn’t mean that. Does he ever like, ponder with you as to why I have many women and never settle down?”
“It’s not for us to discuss, Jay. It’s your life; you’re just having fun, like you should. You’re only what, twenty four?”
“Twenty five but . . . God, this is hard . . .”
“You don’t have to tell me, Jay. It’s your private life and you don’t have to discuss it with me to make me feel better.”
“No, it’s not that, it’s . . . my mum, she took some bad shit in her marriage, Ava, real bad dark shit and . . . well . . .” He sighed heavily and ran a hand agitatedly through his blond curls, “Marriage and relationships scare the fucking crap out of me, Ava. Proper pan
ic, cold sweat, heart pounding fucked up shit, you know what I’m saying?”
I pulled myself upright and looked at him, my eyes soft but full of pain for him. “I know Liv blames herself, Jay, for what she put you through as a child. Your dad hates himself for it too but what she went through, it’s rare, Hun. Not all relationships tear people apart, they’re not all violent and black. My marriage to Mason was the best thing that ever happened to me. I . . . I went through some deep dark shit too but you know, Mason took that darkness from me, screwed it up tight and threw it the fucking gutter. He’s made me live again, made me relish life and he held me above the water when life threatened to drown me.”
Jay smirked at me and I smiled in resignation, “Okay, okay, nice move.”
“I didn’t say anything, Ava, you did.” He planted another kiss on my head, “Just think that’s all.”
I nodded as he took Willow from me and stood. “I’ll give you some quiet time before all hell breaks loose on the bouncy castle.”
“With you or the kids?” I teased and was rewarded with a stunning grin, his tight scar creasing against his wide beam and adding more magnificence to his good-looking face.
“Both” he laughed as he walked away, leaving me once again with the calm of the water current swaying against the incline of the banking; its ebb and flow reminding me of life, of my life. The ups and downs were a constant but through everything, like the water knew it would lead to the ocean, I knew Mason would always love me.
Chapter 15
Mason
I WATCHED JAY place his mouth on Ava’s soft hair and my gut twisted in rage and jealousy. Did he want to fuck my wife? If he did he didn’t appreciate the use of his legs, or his arms . . . or his neck actually. I would snap them all, with a single fucking twist of my hand.
He stood beside her and took Layla’s baby from her before he said something, laughed and then walked away.
He ambled towards me, his gaze stoic but I could see the anger in him; his deep inhalation and stiff shoulders as he saw me gave it away.
“She’s hurting, go easy on her” he stated and I scoffed.
“Well unlike you, I’m not allowed to fucking talk to her” I spat with resentment as I narrowed my eyes on him.
The NSC Boxset: Heart of Stone Page 159
