by Heidi Lis
His breathing hitches. “It’s not, and it never was.”
The way his baby blues command me, the way they speak to my soul, it’s all consuming. I have to ask him the one thing that’s bothered me for so long, and while we're being honest, I ask him as softly as I can.
“What happened with your father, Micah? Make me understand why you left the way you did.”
Micah’s moving us, so we’re stretched out on the floor against the foot of my bed. I’m intently listening to him fill in the blanks. It’s not a beautiful story, it’s more of him telling me how he was forced into fulfilling his father’s dream for him. At one time, following in the family’s footsteps was Micah’s dream, too. The minute it looked like Micah would choose me over the Air Force, it all changed. His father made the choice for him.
His father drilled it in his son’s head that I was a sixteen-year-old crush, a girl he would get over. I simply was not his future or his life. Micah told his story of being pulled in two separate directions. His love for me and his family traditions. His father won, he got his wish.
“Why could you not have both, Micah? This is what I don’t understand. Why not be with me and be in the Air Force? Why one or the other? Why so cut and dry?” This made no sense to me.
The sigh he lets out, signals more truth is coming. “You were a distraction for me, and my father clearly saw it, predicted it even. He insisted I enter the Air Force, with a clear head, and nothing left behind to mess with my mind. It failed, I never stopped thinking about you, the girl I met in high school. All bubbly, and sweet as hell, in this petite body. My pretty girl.” He says my nickname while running his hand tenderly down my cheek.
Listening to his words, and seeing the honest look he is giving me, I can’t help but melt into his arms. My sobs overtake me as he cups my face in his big hands. Micah doesn’t hesitate, he takes me into his lap and envelopes me in his arms like a blanket. I don’t pull back, instead I go willingly. All of these years of wanting his arms around me, I finally have it. And it’s everything I dreamed it would be.
I cry harder, grabbing his shirt as tight as I can. With my face in his neck, I let the years of sorrow escape. His smell is, so familiar. His body is leaner and stronger than it was five years ago, and he’s still handsome as hell. He’s matured with prominent cheekbones to his chiseled jawline. He looks more refined. He may not be mine anymore, but I need this moment with him. I need to grieve, and in doing so with him here, it’s comforting in some bizarre way.
His set of sobs, have him choking up as he says. “My world was not the same without you in it. My head was so messed up, you were becoming my reason to believe in love. I’m so sorry, Elsa. Please forgive me…for being a coward.” Kissing my forehead, he lets out a subtle sigh. “Forgive me for giving in to my father. I could have had both, I should have had both, my mistakes have cost me so much.”
There is tightness in my chest and, I’m fighting wanting to shout out to him how much his mistakes have cost us both.
“They cost me, you, knowing you have carried all of this pain with you all of these years. I’m such a selfish bastard.” He says, rubbing the back of his neck. Tears engulf us both, and I realize Liza was right. We both needed this moment, a moment to remember, reflect and maybe even forgive.
I lower the guard around my heart. “I’ve never stopped loving you Micah, you were my world. I was sixteen, but you were my being and my reason. Age had nothing to do with that.”
Pulling back, my eyes drift into those baby blues. Filled with clear, crystal tears. Before I lose my courage, I’m struggling to find my ability to speak. “Can I ask you something?”
Micah wipes my tears with his thumb, and lets out a relaxed sigh. “Of course you can, pretty girl,” he says with a smile.
His damn smile, oh my, it’s a killer. “Why Ace and not Micah?”
Pausing for a moment, his face masks a look of pain and regret. “You were no longer the one calling my name,” he eyes dart to my lips glistening with my tears, “my name was only yours to say. Coming from your lips was the only time I wanted to hear it. You were no longer with me, and I left that part of me with you. Ace was just a replacement, just like every girl since you has been.” With his admission, he’s searching my eyes for my reaction.
I continue to try to understand what he just said to me, trying to process it all. I’m fascinated, looking at his lips then his eyes, and I gasp at the enormity of their meaning. Our eyes hypnotized with appreciation, locked on one another, with seemingly not a care in the world. Caught up in the moment, I crush my lips to his. The salty taste of our tears melt on my tongue the minute my lips connect with his soft, wet ones. Another giant sob resonates throughout my body, only this time Micah moans, forcefully pulling me against his broad chest. The emotions pour out of each of us, can only be described as carnal. A desperate yearning we both escape in. I’ve lost all rational thoughts.
Running my hands through his hair, I grab it tight, yanking his head back enough so our lips part. My emotions are thundering past my lips. “I hate you so much, I have hated you for so long. God, I gave you all of me, Micah…I gave you so much, more than you know.” My words drift away when our lips reconnect. The chemistry between us is just as potent as it was back then. The moment his strong, firm lips melt against mine, the burning fire in the pit of my stomach ignites. My stomach flutters as my hands tremble with unbridled lust. My connection with Micah is so surreal, it’s as if our bodies remember one another. After all this time, our touches seek all the right spots to caress, nibble, and lick.
Both of our bodies ignite sparks as our lips get acquainted once again. Micah cups my ass, pressing me to him and creating just enough friction against his aching need. Every touch sets fire to my throbbing core against his very hard erection. The clothes we are wearing are the only things separating the needs and desires, each of our bodies crave.
The sensuality of his fingers caressing my hair takes me back to the times when we were sitting in his room and our study sessions took a back seat to making out, instead. Remembering what his hands could do to me, emanate more sobs from my chest. My mind reflects back on happier times, but it comes with a price. The agony I felt when he left. That brings about a overwhelming sense of loss.
Sensing my grief, I know my sad sobs will remind him of times better forgotten. Micah gently strokes my cheeks with his thumbs, wiping away my tears. “Shhh, pretty girl, I got you. You’re where you should be, where you’ve always belonged.” Our ragged breaths linger, filling the quietness of my room.
The only problem with his words is they also come at a cost, and that cost is waiting patiently in the next room. Our innocent talk has breathed life into passion and lustful kisses. I just can’t win, I’m going to hurt myself and someone else in the process. It’s just wrong, but denying my heart what it wants is just devastating.
“Dammit, I’m sorry, El.” Micah says breathlessly. “We shouldn't be doing this, I did not bring you in here for that. I just wanted to talk, and try to beg for your forgiveness. In an ideal world, we could all be friends.” He knows he’s full of shit, I’m not sure why he’s even saying it. “Liza is your friend, I’m not sure how to even begin to understand how screwed this situation is.” Standing, he walks to my window, and gazes up at the sky. “Shit, I’m so messed up right now, El. I’m feeling things I know I probably shouldn’t.” Oh no.
“Don’t say anymore,” standing up, I stop him right there. “You’re with Liza, and you both seem happy. We are the past, things have to stay there. The only question is, can we be friends from this point forward? Naturally, we’re going to be seeing each other.” I reluctantly touch my bruising lips, and they feel like fire has been lit upon them. My mind swirls with the idea that maybe Micah and I could truly be together now. Is it possible? Can it happen? Oh my God, why am I even considering this? Of course, we can’t. Too much has happened for there to ever be an ‘us’ again.
He turned around and is st
aring at me, trying to figure out what I’m thinking. Still in disbelief he’s here, the pang of jealousy trickles down my spine. I know how Liza feels about him, but the question is how does he feel about her? Facing the idea that Micah might love Liza, hurts, and the green-eyed monster wants to rear its ugly head. Then there’s Nick, what do I even do with him? I want to pull my hair out by its roots as I realize how much of a clusterfuck this situation has become.
Micah’s hands open up to me. “Let's try to make this work. I want to be friends with you, Elsa. I want you in my life, any possible way I can have you and if it’s just as friends, then that’s fine, but if it’s more…”
He closes his hands letting his words trail off. I’m not sure what’s going on in his mind.
Stunned and damn nearly speechless, I open my mouth a few times yet nothing comes out. I try again. “What do you mean by that?”
Very slowly, he raises his eyes to meet mine. “Just what I said, if I can’t have more, then friend’s it is.”
“You would want more, with me? Even after all of this time?” I ask, bewildered. I’d be lying if I said that the idea does not excite a part of me, but that same part scares the shit out of me.
“Are you honestly asking me if I still care about you? Come on El, I just told you minutes ago I loved you. You belong in my arms, not his.” He says directing his finger towards the living room. “This may be fucked up, but if I had my choice…I would choose you, always you.”
With my mouth held open, I gasp holding my trembling fingers to my lips. “What about Liza?” I whisper.
Micah smiles with a deep sigh. “I care for Liza, and up till today, I was developing deeper feelings for her. Then suddenly, the girl I never stopped loving, walked back into my life. Hard to just walk away from that, pretty girl.” His eyes dare me, his lips call to me and his head shakes at me.
Sobbing, my voice cracks, “We can’t,” I say continuing to shake my head as if disagreeing with him wholeheartedly. “You have Liza, and up until last weekend I was alone and sad. I gave you my final goodbye, I finally let Nick inside. Now, I’m confused and pissed and happy as hell you are here in front of me. What the hell am I to do with that, Micah?” I can’t help but sit on my bed allowing my body to shake. An inner war consumes me. How do I just turn my feelings off for Nick, but then again, how do I just walk away, knowing Micah is back?
“Show me, Elsa,” Micah says with a reluctant sigh.
Confused, I angle my head, unsure of what he meant. “Show you what?”
He then points to his hip. “Your tattoo, what did you get to remember me by?
Oh no, he’s getting too close, no way in hell am I showing him that. Not sure why or how he remembers why I got a tattoo, then Liza’s conversations remind me how and why.
My eyes gaze long into his, pleading. “I can’t Micah, please don’t ask that of me. It’s more for me than anyone else.”
“I’m shattered knowing you’ve been in so much pain. Baby, I want to make it better. I want you to give me a chance to make it all better.”
My head screams at me ‘Hell No.'
“I can’t.” Knowing my heart is also screaming at me, ‘stupid, wake up he is finally here.’
“I need to wrap my head around all of this, our decisions also affect two great people. Do you remember you’re with Liza?”
“Pretty girl, I’m here for you, always. Like I said, even if it’s only as friends. I’ll be the best goddamn friend you’ll ever have. Just know I’m not walking away from you again, not ever…again.”
His arm around my shoulder is his way of letting me know he’s serious. Resting my head against his chest, I close my eyes and breathe him in deep. The calming effect he has on me, is beyond the best I’ve felt in five long years.
“Thanks for telling me your story, knowing you did care for me, even though it hurts like hell, means a lot. At least I know I was not crazy.” Just knowing he loved me, gives me a small amount of satisfaction.
Breathing deeply, Micah says, “Never crazy. I never went a day without you crossing my mind. Please know that.”
“Okay.”
“I better go out there before Nick comes storming in here.” He says with a slight laugh.
Turning, I move to get a better look at him. “What do we tell them?” I say with a nod of my head toward the living room.
“Nothing,” he says with a shake of his head.
“What?” I ask snapping my head back.
“Let's just leave it as we had a talk that was five years overdue. That simple.” Micah kisses the top of my head. “Just know, I carry some deep seated feelings for you. I’m here for you Elsa, always.”
I tenderly respond. “Thank you for that, Micah.” I give him my most genuine smile. For now, I feel okay with all of this.
“Just remember, I’m here for you, if you’re ever, ready to pick up the pieces of what we had before. I’m not sure how things will turn out with Liza, knowing you’re back in my life. Just know this, none of what happens with her is your fault. I just can’t promise she’s my future.”
I don’t reply, because I have no words. There goes my okay feeling. To be honest, my heart is too preoccupied with my unstable emotions to worry about theirs. I have to consider my well-being, first and foremost. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want Nick or Liza hurt, but Micah needs to try at least to get me out of his head. Any promises of what could be, need to be forgotten. Too much has happened, and I’m afraid that ship has sailed…long ago.
I agree, it will be harder having him in my life instead of him out of it, but I need to stay strong and remember our lives took different paths for a reason.
I watch him as he slowly opens my door and escapes out closing the door behind him. The minute I hear my door click shut, my tears once again descend. Not a minute later my door re-opens, but a different pair of arms are pulling me against a warm chest. These set of arms, although strong, and inviting, are not the arms I seek. Knowing what is good for you and what your body wants, can be two entirely different things. Moments ago my lips were reminded of what they had missed for so long.
With my eyes clenched tight, I desperately try to hang on to the feelings of Micah’s body pressed against mine. His lips are caressing mine, his hands pressed firmly into my skin, and his soft words whispered into my ear. The internal war to push him away is met with my desire and yearning to wrap myself in him, instead. I want to surrender, every ounce of me as I yearn for the chance to have him take control of my body again. My aching heart, combined with the wetness between my legs, only prove how much I want his hands and mouth on every inch of my body. My dream however, is interrupted.
“Are you okay, El? He didn’t screw with your head, did he?” Nick’s voice is sounding predatory.
A garbled laugh escapes because I was just thinking about Micah screwing with me and it’s exactly what I want. Just not the way Nick is talking about. Oh God, I need to get that idea out of my mind, this minute.
Biting my lip, I try to control my heightened arousal. I need to be alone, and I need Nick to leave, so I can think straight.
Mustering a yawn, I let it linger. “I’m okay, just tired and ready to go to bed. I’m mentally exhausted.”
“Want me to stay with you, tonight? Liza left with him.” He says as hope shines from his eyes.
He says the exact opposite of what I wanted him to say.
Sighing, I realize he’s so upset he can’t even say his name. “You can call him by his name, Nick. It's Micah, and I’m not going to fall apart every time I hear it.” Taking a nice, slow breath, I plead with him. “You go home, I need to be alone.”
Pausing a moment, he finally gets it. “Okay,” he says nodding at me. “I get it, just call me if you need to talk.”
“I will and thank you. Nick, you’ve always been here for me.”
Walking toward the door, he pauses and turns back. “I’ll always be here for you.” He says as if wanting to say more, but he doesn
’t. He smiles one last time and walks out.
Finally by myself, I’m suddenly aware how alone I really am. I strip out of my clothes, put on a pair of shorts and a tank, and find my way under my covers. The lights are off, and like every other night, I’m seeking comfort by gazing at the bright, night sky. The moon shadows are like a flash of life, finding home in the depth of the darkness in my life.
I’ve always found comfort in the darkness. In the shadows, my cries go unnoticed. I can fall apart, and no one is the wiser. Over time, I’ve found that I’m most comfortable in the dark. I can mask who I am, and I’m not judged, or frowned upon, I don’t disappoint anyone, either. It’s just me all, alone. Years of being alone, help me guard my heart.
Tonight, I find no comfort in gazing up at the moon. No, tonight I feel stripped, bare and exposed. I’m lost, having no clue how to act around a guy I have loved for so long. How can I watch him in the arms of my friend, and not come unglued? When he touches her, am I going to be able to smile and be okay with it? It’d be pretty damn hard to tell yourself its okay to not want those hands to yourself instead.
While trying to fall asleep, I’m so afraid, because I’ve got no idea what to do. I need a plan. A plan to be happy that my friend is in the arms of the guy she adores, knowing I’m in love with him.
As I drift into slumber, I’m being pulled in a different direction. My body jerks, and moans escape my throat. I’m not sure what’s going on with me in my dream until I hear it. It’s faint, but it’s gradually becoming clearer. It’s the cry of a newborn. I know that cry, I’m being pulled back to April 5th exactly four years ago today.
OH GOD, MY MUSCLES ache, and I’m sore. I’m white knuckling the sheets under me with my eyes clenched shut, wishing like hell I had someone with me. The whole time I’m being stitched up I’m silently praying I’ll get through this day with my sanity. I’m desperate to have someone hold my hand, telling me everything will be okay. I wished, but looking around at the sterile glances and less than warm smiles, they don’t comfort me one bit. My body is shaking like a leaf, every tug of the stitches reminds me how split open I was and it damn near has me hyperventilating.
