by Heidi Lis
“Sit the hell down,” I sharply say through my teeth. “Everyone is going to eat an incredible meal, and you are all going to love it. We will have regular conversations like we are long lost friends and act like civilized human beings. Suck it up, I have. If anyone is to feel blindsided here, it’s ME, but I’m cool as a cucumber, so d.e.a.l. with it.” I’m lying through my damn teeth, but I had to lie in order to survive this cluster-fuck of a night.
Continuing with my less than friendly attitude, I add. “Nick, set the table. Liza, grab the salad. Micah, just sit down and enjoy.” It seems to work because they all just nod their heads not arguing.
The four of us sitting down at the table is bordering on being as uncomfortable as a routine dental exam. Small talk proceeds, but to be honest, it’s merely just pleasantries.
“So Liza, how is work?” Nick asks.
Seriously? My mouth hangs open. He’s that uncomfortable he’s asking her about work?
The forced smile she gives in return is just as awkward.
“Good, thanks. How’s yours?”
He answers her so kindly, it’s sickening. I want to gag, but out of the corner of my eye, I can see Micah biting back a smile, and shaking his head. He’s trying to think of something to say, I’m sure of it by his expression.
“El, dinner was fantastic. I’m stuffed.” Micah replies with a rub of his stomach. Instead of leaving it at that, his eyes dance around and he’s biting his lip to contain a laugh. I fear he’s not done, yep, more is coming.
“Thank you for having me for dinner and cooking for all of us.” The kind words and sincere smile he gives me damn near melts my heart. “It’s a nice thing you did,” his happiness fades looking to Nick. “I know you have no desire to be sitting here right now, and to be honest, neither do I. It’s fucked no matter what way you look at it.”
Nick adds, “You got that right.” His remark less than subtle.
I don’t dare look anyone in the face. Instead, I stare at my barely eaten plate. My insides are in knots, my nerves are shot and to add insult to injury, Micah rubs my leg under the table. He’s sitting to my left, and the instant I feel his warm hand caress my leg, I damn near jump. The minute I make an attempt to move, he clamps his hand down forcing me to stay where I am.
No one notices my sudden movement. Liza’s busy rubbing her temples, and Nick is staring at the ceiling, cursing to himself no doubt. No one is looking at Micah or me for that matter. Thank God!
“Hey,” Micah says, leaving his hand resting on my leg. “It’s the truth. My world’s been turned upside down. We’ve all felt it, let’s not lie. Now, the question is, can we move past it all?” Pausing for a minute no one says a word, so he continues. “You three have been friends for a long time, and the last thing I want to do is ruin it. If I need to be the one who needs to leave, I will.”
“Now that is an idea.” Nick says, smacking his hand on the table.
“What are you saying, Ace?” Liza appears to be taken back.
A loud moan escapes Nick’s throat. “Can we all just call him by his name? It's stupid he’s going by Ace anyway.” The way he says ‘Ace’ is distasteful. I’m sure he did it to get a rise out of Micah.
“What do you mean stupid? What do you have to do with it?” Micah snapped back like I knew he would.
“Shit,” Liza said but her eyes linger on him wondering if he’ll answer the question.
He doesn’t get a chance to answer, because Nick keeps at it.
“Just seems silly to me, man. I don’t get it.” Throwing his napkin on the table, Nick sighs questioning Micah.
“Elsa has everything to do with it, Liza.” Micah says addressing Liza, not Nick. “After I left home, and went into the Academy, I started going by Ace.”
“Why?” Her eyes are full of curiosity.
Letting go of my leg, Micah’s rubbing the back of his neck. I can tell he’s nervous and like an idiot, I want to soothe him. Placing my hand under the table, I gently take hold of his thigh. An innocent gesture meant only to offer him some comfort. The look he gives in return is soft, but as uncertainty takes hold of his baby blues, they furrow with doubt. It’s then, I feel his hand covering mine. My heart can’t help but accelerate. He intertwines his fingers delicately with mine. Our hands seek comfort in one another, giving each other strength like we always have done. This small gesture is only a fraction of what seems like a natural thing for us, well the old us anyway.
Our unspoken words speak volumes to the very strong connection we have. Our souls, sing a tune familiar only to us. My teeth indent into my lower lip and my eyes pool with tears. Will he tell her the truth why he no longer went by Micah? For her sake, I hope not. For me, I might melt hearing his reason once again.
Searching for the right words, he’s studying Liza’s questioning eyes, intently. He starts and stops a few times, pausing each time. When he does start to speak, it’s soft and sweet.
“When I left, I realized how much I missed the way I felt when El said my name.” He says with nothing but pure honesty.
Oh dear lord, he’s going to tell her the truth. Tightening my fingers in a death hold on his, I’m trying gain his attention to beg him to stop. Not to hurt her with the truth. The only problem is, my gesture could also be taken as a sign of support. That it’s okay to tell her the truth. Shit. Holding my breath, I brace myself for whatever comes out of his mouth.
“When I left, the old me stayed behind. I wanted to hear my name come from her lips. ‘Ace’ has been a replacement name to go by. I’ve spent years, remembering the way she echoed my name, knowing it was coming from the sweetest voice I’d ever heard.” He speaks so soft and utterly sweet as he bares his soul, being completely honest with her. Micah doesn’t lie, even when it would have been easier to do so. How can you not fall under his spell? Seeing him here, hearing his sweet words, having him hold my hand under the table, there are no words to explain what I’m feeling for him right now.
I hold onto his hand for dear life, my body trembles as my tears reach my lips. Desperate to leave, I try to get up and leave the table. I need a breather. Only Micah’s not allowing that to happen, he firmly tightens his hold on me under the table. I’m stuck here, so I quickly take my other hand to wipe my cheeks. Nick ends up handing me a napkin. Not to make it obvious because Micah refuses to give up my one hand, I take my other hand to take the napkin from Nick.
“You still love her, don’t you?” Liza’s question seems like a statement more than a question. Her eyes never leave Micah’s visibly shaken face.
Without pause, he graciously answers. “I don’t know if I’ve ever stopped, that part of my heart has been sealed off for years. I never knew if I would ever see her again.” His voice cracks forcing him to take a shakey drink. “This week has been one of the hardest of my life, only second to the week I left town…left her.” Slowly, his eyes leave her to settle on mine before his charmingly sweet smile hits me.
Resting his arms on the table, Nick leans closer my way. “Are you still in love with him, El?” he asks cordially.
My heads ponders with his question. Not able to concentrate on anything or anybody, I ask myself ‘how the hell do I answer this?’ Do I let my brain answer or my heart? Do I even know, myself? “What?” My lips say the word but it’s my eyes that find it hard to focus on Nick’s conflicted face.
“Just be honest with me,” his words are heartfelt, not an ounce of anger. “We all deserve to know how you feel since Micah pretty much laid out his feelings for you.” How is this possible, is it true? I can’t trust myself right now to believe anything, had I heard him right?
Pain and sorrow are the only emotions I’ve grown accustomed to living with over the years. Right now, both of those emotions are simmering getting ready to overtake every new tear that escape my eyes. Sobs escape past my throat, and I’m desperately searching for a way to tell them how I’m feeling when I’m not sure myself. To say I’m conflicted is an understatement.
&n
bsp; “I don’t know how I should be feeling.” A whirlwind of emotions flurry in my mind eager to see which one takes the top spot of my heart. Being forced to explain how I suddenly feel after five freaking years, not only hurts, it angers me. It’s only been a short time that Micah’s been back in my life. They are expecting me to know exactly how I feel. What they don’t understand is not everything is cut and dry, black and white…sometimes things are gray.
“I’m not sure.” It’s the most honest answer I’ve got. “When you’ve loved someone like I did, it’s not easily forgotten.” Snapping my eyes between Nick and Liza, I’m trying not to come across bitchy or rude. Micah is dead silent, but hidden to prying eyes, he’s holding onto my hand in a death grip.
I continue.
“Obviously, my pain is no secret, so I can’t lie and say I’m fucking great! I’m not, and I don’t have an answer for you because I don’t know.”
“El,” Nick tries to soothe me with his hand as he reaches out to rest it on my arm. “No one expects any of us to be fine. But we need to be honest enough to say that everything has changed.” He replies, lingering his eyes between the three of us before settling on Micah.
“I knew the minute you entered her life again, everything would change. How could it not? The Elsa that finally got over you and let me in—dissapeared the moment she laid eyes on you. The way she looked at you, well a blind man could figure out how much her love still burns for you. I’m not happy about it, but I can’t deny my friend the love of her life, either. No matter how fucked I think it is.”
“I can’t…excuse me.” Liza jumps up from the table and rushes out the front door, not bothering to close it on her way out.
Not a second later Micah stands. “Liza, wait.” He says nothing else, he followed after her.
Nick’s left to stare at his plate, his expression unreadable. That leaves me sitting with my hands in my lap. The warmth my hand once had when Micah held it is now cold, and alone. My tears are flowing strong and the sudden urge to flee overtakes me. I get up from the table, in need of a hot shower. I’m sure Nick will get the hint and leave, at least I hope!
I undress in a hurry and turn the shower on as hot as I can stand it. As I climb in, I let the water pierce my skin, embracing the pain. My hushed cries escape and flow down the drain along with my tears. I can’t imagine how many times I’ve been in this same situation…left crying in the shower. Too many to count.
Wrapped in my towel, I can’t help noticing my eyes are puffy and bloodshot. As I dry my hair with my towel, I keep my head down walking to my room without giving a second thought about dinner or the dirty dishes. I’m going to crawl under my covers and stay there for the rest of the weekend. Thankfully, Nick took the hint and left after Liza and Micah’s fast departure. It was easy for me to understand how discouraged Nick may be at this point. He can see the writing on the wall, I’m in no means ready to carry on a relationship with him. I need to come to terms with Micah, and what that means. God only knows what’s happening between them. I’m sure Liza hearing Micah admit to her that he never stopped loving me, was a hard pill to swallow and I can’t blame her. The poor thing is smack dab in the middle of whatever it is between me and Micah.
As darkness fills my room, I’m left unsettled with every tear that escapes my eyes. I glance at my clock, and realize it’s been three hours since Liza took off. Leaving like she did, all upset makes me sad. The last thing I want is to hurt her. A part of me can’t help taking the blame for it all. I didn’t think I could sink any further, but I guess I was wrong.
Just then, I hear my front door open and close…then lock. I relax letting out a sigh, I’m relieved she’s home and safe. But scared she may not want to see me, so I decide to stay where I am, and see if she’ll come to me.
I’m quiet like a mouse hearing my door slowly swing open. My body’s turned away from the door, and my eyes are closed. I’m hoping she’ll think I’m asleep, because I don’t have the energy to have a long, drawn out talk. Not tonight. I hold my breath, waiting for her to say something or better yet turn around and go to her room.
Yet nothing. I realize I’m mentally ticking off the seconds.
As I let out a hesitant sigh, I feel my bed dip as someone sits down next to me. Guess, I can’t hide from this. I turn my head, and can see who crawled into my bed as the brightness of the moon sends a ray of light, hitting my bed. It highlights my visitor perfectly, lightening up his face.
“Micah,” I whisper in total shock.
“Hey, pretty girl. I had to come back and check up on you.”
My eyes squint as I struggle to look over his shoulder. “Where’s Liza?”
His head tilts to the side before he sighs. “My place, she is out cold. Had too much to drink, and passed out like a light. I took her keys, and came back here, hoping like hell Nick was not still here.”
I let out a timid ‘ah.’ Answering his prayer, I say, “He left, and I don’t expect him back anytime soon.”
Micah’s eyes widen, registering what my words could potentially mean. “Left as in for good?”
Yeah, he sounded a little hopeful!
I nod, with my lips tightly closed. “It was a mistake to think we could ever be more than friends. It wasn’t meant to be, he saw it, and so did I.” This is the first time since Micah came back into the picture, that I’ve admitted to anyone, including myself, that Nick and I were never going to work.
“Thank fuck.” Micah wastes no time lowering his body to mine. His arms wrap around my shoulders, and he takes my lips in a panty melting kiss. My resolve is beyond shot, so I willingly go to him. I’m not fighting this feeling anymore, I’m going to savor being this close to him again. Snaking his arm under my knees he adjusts our bodies so I’m lying underneath his rock hard body. His moans and my sobs are the only sounds that echo in my room.
With each breath he takes, he’s whispers in my ear. “Baby, I’ve missed you so much.”
“Micah.” I whisper in a dreamlike state. “Are you really here with me right now?” My wielding emotions with the reality of him being here, swell into loud sobs. My body’s trembling as the gravity of this moment finally registers.
Micah takes my hand in his, and plants a sweet kiss. “Yeah, pretty girl, and I’m never leaving you again.” His words are music to my ears.
Oh is it possible?
“How…what about Liza?” With my mind slowly clearing, all I can see is Liza in my mind and I panic. The thought of hurting her is not a welcome thought.
“Ssshhh,” He says pressing a finger to my lips. “Not now, not tonight. This is about us and what we need. What we mean to each other. God. Please, let me love you, El? Jesus. Let me love you like I have dreamt of doing for the past five years.”
I’m so lost, his words take me to new heights. My mind’s in a fog, and the only thing I can concentrate on is his larger than life body. He’s touching me, kissing me, wanting me. I want him, I need him, and my body’s yearning to rekindle what we once had.
“Dear Lord Micah, make me remember how good it was. I need you.” I’m so desperate and needy. Each aching cry that escapes my throat, is a yearning desire to touch him. I’m so unbelievably desperate to connect with what we once had. How the hell could I ever think, I could ever feel this with anyone else? “I miss what it feels like to be with you, I’ve never forgotten, though. Micah, I need it again. I need to feel what it feels like to be loved by you. My dreams remember every moment of our night together.”
Rocking his body against mine, he places kisses on the tip of my nose. “I’ve never forgotten, either, it’s only you baby. No one could ever take your place in my heart and soul, Elsa. I fucking can’t help how much I love you, I never gave up hope of finding you again.”
Both of us bare our souls to one another while staring into each other’s eyes. I can’t help myself. My deep desire is to make sure he understands just how much I’ve missed him.
“I’ve lived for so long, never b
eing sure of how you felt about me. And I tried to convince myself that you loved me like I loved you.” Going to wipe my tears, Micah beats me to it. Only he kisses each one as it falls. Tilting his head back, he slowly sits back up on his knees, taking in every inch of me. My head falls to the side while my eyes stay locked on his. Each continued sob that escapes my throat sends violent tremors throughout my body. I can’t stop now. “I’ve always loved you…always, Micah.” Finally I let my heart win out, admitting this to him.
“Baby, I’m so sorry,” he says delicately. “I’ll make it up to you, I swear it.” He says, slowly lowering himself again until our foreheads gently touch.
Losing myself in the way his body feels pressed against mine, my body suddenly goes stiff. Remembering what happened after he left, there is no way he can make that up to me…to us. Oh God, how do I tell him? How do I let him know that a part of us lives, that we had a child? Pushing him off of me, I scramble, damn near falling off my bed.
“Oh God, Micah. I have to tell you something but I have no idea how. Things happened after you left.” My eyes are scrambling with fear. I’m terrified, and struggling not only to find the right words, but my next breath. My chest is tightening, making it difficult for me to breathe.
“I don’t want to hear it if it involves Nick. Knowing his hands were on you pisses me off. The mere thought of it makes me want to kick his ass.” I missed this jealous side of him.
With a slight turn of my head, my body relaxes and I struggle with my next words. “No, not that. I’ve not been with anyone since you until…last weekend.” Like that’s not embarrassing to point out.
Hearing my words must resonate with him because he scrambles off the bed. “Are you serious, El? No one since me?”
Okay, he looks rather shocked and I’m not sure why.
I’m feeling a bit awkward, because I’m sure he’s had sex plenty of times in the last five years. Taking a big encouraging breath, I close my eyes, “I couldn’t do it. No one even came close. Once you’ve experienced the love of your life, no one can measure up to that.” Slowly I open my eyes and smile, not sure how to gauge what his reaction will be.
