Laughing still. “No.”
“But, you’re okay?” she asks, her tone slightly heavier.
"Why wouldn't I be?" I retort, feeling myself stiffen in defence. I don't want to argue about Jesse, especially not with my sister who I rarely see as it is.
"Mom told me about your reunion."
I sigh. "What about it?"
"That you spent the afternoon with Jesse." I sense her hesitation. Perhaps Mom sent her out here and her regret at having to divulge in this conversation is as equal to mine. "How is he?"
"You don't have to pretend you care, Jo."
"I care about you, about what he does to you. I just want you to be careful." She moves to sit next to me on the steps. I want to scream at her, but when I turn and look I am confronted with genuine concern. She nudges my shoulder with hers and we both smile.
Joanna has a beautiful smile. Everything is beautiful about her. She has hazel eyes and strawberry blonde hair that once fell to her waist but is now cropped short. She cut it in an act of rebellion during the aftermath of her divorce. Her husband loved her long hair, but when it was revealed that he’d been having an affair with someone barely out of college she immediately filed for divorce and rid herself of her locks. She hasn't really been the same since. Gone was the carefree and spontaneous sister that I grew up with. When he left he took that part with him.
Joanna never thought much of Jesse, even before he left her little sister so traumatized, but her new found bitterness towards men certainly doesn’t help Jesse's case.
"You don't need to worry about me. I know what I’m doing." I say. I guess the lies are flowing easily now because, in actual fact, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, not until Jesse and I are able to talk everything through. How can I know what the future holds for us when I’m still unsure of the past?
"I know you probably think you do, but the fact that you’re even entertaining the idea of being with him, makes me think you don’t. Jesse was always bad news, Mickey. I thought you knew that now." Her tone hardens and I feel myself weaken in response to her unproven views.
"No, he wasn't, Jo. You just never gave him a chance. He’s nothing like his family.” I raise my chin a little. “He’s actually done really well for himself." I don't know why I feel that it's important for her to know how successful Jesse is. It doesn't matter to me what he does or how much he earns. I guess I hope that it might help carve a new impression of Jesse in her mind.
"Really? Well I'm glad, but does that really change who he is though? Does it change what he did to you?”
“He didn’t do anything to me. Not purposely anyway. He just couldn’t cope with Starling anymore. It’s understandable when you consider what he went through here.” I flinch at my own words. Now I’m defending his choices without even understanding them myself?
“I know that he had it tough and I feel bad for him, I do. But, I care more about the hell that you went through, and if I can stop that from happening again then I will. You’re my sister, Mickey, and it kills me to think that you might allow it. Why should you give him a second chance? It’s been too long.” Her voice trails off to a whisper and although there are no tears she looks pained. Watching her fight the urge to cry overwhelms me with guilt for having tortured my family so much. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it was for them to have witnessed the breakdown of their daughter, their sister. Their once happy teenager had been drained completely until all that was left was a shell.
Since then, they’ve been unnecessarily protective, regardless of my insistence that there is no need for it. Especially Joanna. She’s almost eleven years older than me which adds dramatically to her protectiveness. I sincerely believe that there’s no call for it though. Not now. Experiencing such powerful emotions and handling them as horribly as I did gave me good reason not to allow it to happen again. I’m stronger because of my pained past and I’m more guarded than ever. Whether this applies when Jesse is concerned is yet to be seen.
Turning to face Joanna so that I can emphasize my point clearly, I take her hand firmly in my own. She repays my gesture with her own eyes staring kindly back at me and her hand tightening around mine.
“Listen. You have to shake off this big sisterly protection enough for me to make my own mistakes. I’m old enough and strong enough to deal with the consequences. Just be pleased that I might finally have the chance to be happy and if I’m not then be there for me. Just, don’t begrudge me the opportunity.”
Joanna starts to say something but controls her tongue, instead pulling me into a soft embrace. Sighing heavily, only emphasizing her reluctance to let it go, she finally concedes. “I’m just a phone call away, okay? Anytime, anyplace and for any reason.”
“Thank you.” Her words, however artificial, are exactly what I have needed from her for a long time. “I love you.”
“Love you too, Michaela.”
Resting with my head against her shoulder and our arms hanging loosely around each other’s waists, we move our conversation onto safer grounds; her daughter Zoe. The pair has had a strained relationship ever since the divorce but they’re getting there. Zoe is just finishing her first year at college where she’s studying art and spends some of her free time helping me on shoots and babysitting Benjamin. In short, I couldn’t be without her. I’ll be seeing her soon when she helps me out with my exhibition on Thursday.
Discussing the exhibition causes my stomach to knot and the worry about the remaining work needed to be done over the next couple of days sends myself and Benjamin home early.
I haven't heard from Jesse all day. Not a text message, phone call or email. I’m unsure how to feel about this. It's still the weekend and I imagine in his line of work he’s pretty busy. Too busy to send me a quick text message though? No, I haven't tried to get hold of him either. Not to say that I haven't wanted too, I just don't want to frighten him off. It's obvious how I feel about him and the last time we spoke he seemed a little cautious. Maybe he just needs time and space. We’ve just been reintroduced after an extraordinary amount of time and we’ve had minimal chance to reflect. After such a consuming couple of days maybe it was all too much. If it's time and space he needs then that’s what he shall have.
Monday morning is humid and wet, only adding to my already existing hatred of the start to the working week and the end of my weekend. I’m inside at my office desk and the rain from outside has clung to my clothes and infiltrated the coziness that my little workspace normally offers. Although wet, it’s June, so it’s overly warm. The smell of damp hangs in the hot air and I’m forced to open a window, consequently soaking through my already ruined drapes.
The sky is all shades of grey and there’s barely any light sifting through the window, so much so that I need the ceiling light and my desk lamp lit in order to work. The abundance of artificial light has given me a headache which has added to my already foul mood. I daydream quietly in between tasks, envisioning a time when I can escape this office forever and operate from a spacious, functional and inspiring work space.
My petulance was matched equally by Benjamin this morning when the soccer practice we had scheduled for him with the local youth club was cancelled because of the weather. I fleetingly consider moving south to escape this unseasonal rain. It’s June for crying out loud! Where’s the sun?
Benjamin is at my mom’s for the fourth day in a row and I’ve a feeling the novelty may be wearing off. I’m trying to do as much as I can as quickly as I can so that I can spend some much needed time with my boy but there is still so much to be done.
My planning for the exhibition has peaked. I’m still sifting through the soundtrack I want to be playing over the course of the evening. Music is the key aspect of this exhibition and so the playlist is an important accessory to the artwork. I’m also still negotiating fees for two members of staff that I’ve employed to help with the event. I’ve taken on a New York based assistant to oversee the exhibition and sales after the initial ope
ning. He actually works for a friend of mine, another photographer, so technically he’s on loan.
The exhibition will run for five days in total but I’ll only be there for the first night, so I need someone to oversee the remaining time. Davis is perfect. I can’t bring myself to be apart from Benji for that long and I don’t want to be travelling back and forth over the course of the event. Although, the more I find to worry about, the more I feel compelled to be there throughout.
Stopping the panic mid-flow, I try to focus on the positive. At least the images are all printed and packed ready for Thursday and I have confirmed the location for the third time. Adverts have been placed in a variety of media publications and invitations have been sent out to friends, family and clients, both old and prospective.
There is one person who I haven't invited though, but who I want more than anyone else to be there. After toying with the idea for longer than my busy schedule allows, I remove the black business card from my purse and open up the emails on my computer.
From - Michaela Cole
To - Lee Jenner
Subject - Thursday.
Date - 11th June 2012 – 11:52am
Hi, I hope you’re okay?
I’m in the city on Thursday for my exhibition. I think I told you
about it?
I thought I should invite you in case you were bored and feeling lonely. I wouldn’t want you ‘wasting your time’ sat at home on your lonesome.
I’ve attached a copy of the invite with the address,
etc.
Might see you then?
Michaela.
Ms. Michaela L. Cole.
Michaela Cole Photography.
I read through and re-write the message several times before pressing send, all the while hoping that it lacks desperation and oozes casualness. I hope it’s clear to him that I’d really like to see him there without advertising my neediness.
I try to refocus my slack attention on my plentiful work, but I’m interrupted only minutes later when my computer pings delightfully, signalling a new email.
From - Lee Jenner
To - Michaela Cole
Subject - RE Thursday
Date - 11th June 2012 – 12:14pm
Glad to hear from you…finally!
I have a few things to attend to Thursday but I’ll
see
what I can do.
Jesse.
Mr. Lee Jenner
CEO, Chairman and Proprietor of Jenner Holding
Corp.
His reply leaves me both overwhelmingly happy and yet baffled at the same time. I’m consumed with relief that I have some other form of communication open with him and that he actually replied. I was half expecting him to choose to ignore me for the rest of eternity. The joy of the simplest of emails is tainted with a need to dissect the content. The words give no clues as to whether I’ll be seeing him on Thursday or not. It sounds rather impartial and dismissive, but I hold on to the hope that at least he responded. If he wanted nothing more to do with me then the easiest thing to have done would’ve been to simply ignore my email.
I leave work in a slightly better mood than I arrived with and head to my parents to collect Benjamin.
Exhausted after a busy day but unable to sleep, I lay in bed texting Emma. I fill her in on the weekend’s events, to which she’s an enthusiastic listener. I then tell her all about my morning at work and my afternoon spent treating Benjamin to new DVD's and popcorn to see us through the miserably wet Monday. We talk about her day shopping for her daughter, Lily, and her never ending growth spurt. She eagerly offers her thoughts regarding mine and Jesse’s emails, God love her. We arrange to meet Wednesday with the kids and then say goodnight.
I roll over and allow the day’s events to settle in my mind, finally able to relax a little after being permitted to discuss Jesse with someone other than my far from approving mother and sister.
My heavy eyes have just closed when my phone beeps and lights up. I suspect it's Emma again, neglecting to tell me something, but I have to rub my blurry eyes when I see Jesse's name glowing at me from the screen.
Sorry it's late, I’m just finishing work. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since your boring email, Ha! ;-) Hope you're okay? x
A kiss! I physically swoon at the playfulness of Jesse’s text message. His words are a million miles away from his response earlier. He’s more open and flirty. Maybe he’s had time to think, maybe he is drunk. Who cares? Playful Jesse is too much fun to resist.
That's okay, I’m awake, thinking of you too, actually. I thought my email was particularly appropriate considering the lack of communication that preceded it :-P x
I hug my phone close to my chest. My previous sleepiness has been banished from my body and I now worry that I won't sleep at all tonight. My phone beeps again.
Are you thinking about anything in particular? x
How do I respond to that? I could tell him that I’m imagining him lying next to me, that I ache to touch him, for him to touch me, that I want his lips on me and I want to hear him moan my name. Or, I could be honest and tell him that I need him to figure his shit out and come and be with me.
Just thinking about when I may be graced with
your presence again x
Soon I hope. Saturday seems a long time ago x
I've waited longer x
Don’t remind me. Get some sleep. Goodnight, sweets x
My eager thumbs and tired brain have successfully managed to push the love of my life even further away. I remind myself that when such a damaged soul tells you he is not ready to talk yet then you give him time. I know this, I appreciate this, but after ten years I’m just so desperate to lift the weight of a million questions from my mind.
After several hours beating myself up over my wayward tongue, or thumb, I finally manage a broken, uncomfortable sleep.
Chapter 11
The last couple of days have flown by, they always seem to when I have so much to do and not enough time to do it all in. It's the big day tomorrow and everything that can be done in Starling has been done. The rest will be completed when Zoe and I go to New York tomorrow morning.
Tonight though, Benjamin and I are meeting Emma and Lily for pizza at La Trattoria. She's not going to be able to make it to the exhibition tomorrow so she’s showing her support in the guise of a celebratory dinner. She was so enthusiastic on the phone, but there was an edge to her voice that I can’t place, which in itself is odd. I know Emma better than I know anyone.
We arrive at the restaurant late and Emma and Lily are waiting at our table. We love this place and often bring the children here. The food is rustic and Italian but they cater for kids and even have some ancient pinball machines at the back.
"Sorry we're late. Have you been here long?" I ask, clearly tense and out of breath. We sit quickly and I allow myself a moment to recover after rushing around manically to get here on time.
"It's fine, we’ve only been here a few minutes ourselves." Emma looks radiant and not in the least bit flustered like myself.
I’m still busying myself removing our coats and stuffing my bag under the table when the waiter comes to take orders for drinks. I wonder if I should have a glass of wine to relax or whether I’ll be able to stop at one. It’s unlikely, and I can't leave the car here overnight as I’ll need it first thing tomorrow. I reluctantly order water for us both, still tempted to call him back as he walks away.
"Michaela, relax!" Emma reaches across and touches my hand. I exhale dramatically and we chuckle. "Are you okay? You're flappy."
"Flappy?" I laugh. "I'll be okay. I just can't get my head out of work mode."
"You've been working too hard."
"I'll feel better when I'm there and I can just deal with everything myself, ya' know?"
The waiter arrives back with our drinks and we order pizzas and salad for the table to share. The food is delicious and I’m able to let go and enjoy both the meal and the great
company. Benjamin and Lily are quiet and more than happy to sit nicely and discuss school.
Emma remains reserved and I can tell she wants to discuss something out of earshot of the children. Maybe she wants to ask about Jesse. She knows Benji knows nothing about him so maybe she’s waiting until we are able to speak privately before she mentions him.
As if on cue, Lily asks if they are both able to have a game of pinball. After emptying our purses they skip off happily to the back of the restaurant. Almost immediately, Emma shuffles her seat closer to mine and looks at me with the widest eyes. She’s trying to stop a huge grin from exploding across her face and I search her expression with complete bewilderment.
"I have something to tell you." The excitement is pouring from every ounce of her body. She doesn’t even give me a second to guess before the words spill from her mouth. "I'm pregnant!"
My mouth falls open and my eyes are now just as wide as hers. My mind is telling my mouth to speak, but it’s just gibberish that manages to escape. I pull her into my arms and squeeze her tight. I’m so happy for her! I knew that trying for a baby had been discussed but I didn’t know that they were actually trying.
I pull away gently to see tears glistening in her eyes and my throat tightens at the image.
"I can't believe it. I’m so happy for you all!"
“Thanks.” Her smile is infectious. "Lily doesn't know yet, I’m only eight weeks and we didn't want to get her excited until it's all confirmed at the scan."
"Of course. She'll be delighted." We are both silenced by the overwhelming brilliance of the news. We smile goofily and giggle. Onlookers must think we are mad.
"How do you feel?" I ask.
Forget Me Not Page 9
