The tremors intensified, rolling through my body in long waves. Nausea clawed at my stomach.
“Aydan? Are you all right?”
I sucked in a deep breath. Say it. Say it all.
“He knows about you… um, us. So does Spider. He knows…” I pulled myself upright, bracing my shaking body against the seat.
Say it.
“He knows you said you love me. He knows we… had sex. Spider won’t tell, but if Sam says anything, Stemp will know you lied to him and lied to your entire chain of command during that sexual harassment inquiry…”
The last of my strength deserted me and I folded over my roiling gut. “I told you not to get involved. I told you I’d hurt you! Goddammit, John, why didn’t you listen to me?”
“Aydan-”
“Stop the truck! I’m going to puke!”
He slammed on the brakes while I clawed at the door. The lock released and I stumbled blindly into the icy darkness, slipping and staggering down into the snow-covered ditch.
I rocked spraddle-legged at the bottom, elbows braced on knees, gulping huge lungfuls of cold air. My trembling legs threatened to give way and I groaned open-mouthed, my stomach heaving.
I groaned again at the squeak of rapid footsteps in the snow behind me.
“Go away.” The words abraded my throat.
His touch washed another wave of nausea over me. “Aydan, let me-”
“Don’t touch me.” I staggered away a couple of steps, hot acid surging in my stomach.
“Aydan…”
“Leave me alone!” My legs folded and I fell to my knees, my fists clenching in the snow.
Breathe.
A jerky inhalation, my eyes streaming with involuntary tears.
Breathe.
Kane was mercifully silent behind me. The snow stung my knees through my jeans.
Breathe.
Swallow.
Breathe.
At last I managed two breaths in a row without my stomach heaving.
Three.
Four.
Violent shivers racked my body.
Kane’s footsteps approached again. A moment later, his jacket enveloped me, the remains of his body heat warming my back.
“Aydan, I’m going to take you to the truck now,” he said firmly. “If you throw up, so be it, but you’re getting hypothermic out here. Come on.”
At the pressure of his hand under my elbow, I tried to rise. My knees refused to cooperate.
“Come on, Aydan.”
“G-g-give me a m-m-minute…”
“No more minutes.”
His powerful arms closed around me, and while he carried me up to the SUV I distantly reflected that it was one thing to dodge bullets, but it took a truly brave man to risk vomit. And carrying five-foot-ten-inch, 160-pound me up a snowy slope without any visible effort was damn impressive.
He strapped me into the passenger seat, peering anxiously into my face. My teeth chattered uncontrollably, and he frowned. “You’re going back to the hospital.”
“N-n-no. I’m f-f-fine. Just g-g-get me ho…” I swallowed another heave and breathed. “…home.”
The door closed and a moment later he swung into the driver’s seat and cranked the heat on high, still frowning at me.
I straightened and summoned every ounce of control I owned. “Really, I’m f-fine. Just upset…” My treacherous voice wavered and I gulped again. “…and chilled. I just need a hot b-bath.”
I clenched my teeth and willed my shivering into stillness under his scrutiny. At last he sighed and put the SUV into gear again, returning his attention to the road. “All right. But if you don’t feel better soon, you’re going back.”
Relief eased the ache in my shoulders and I slumped into the corner of the seat. “Th-thank you.”
When we pulled up in front of my farmhouse, I gave him a bright smile. “Th-thanks for the ride. See you tomorrow.”
My escape was foiled when I wasted precious seconds trying to open the passenger door before realizing the electric lock was still engaged. By the time I punched the release button and got out, Kane was already standing beside the SUV waiting for me.
“Nice try,” he said shortly, offering his arm.
I ignored it and stifled a sigh while I trudged up my front walk.
Inside the entry, I tried again. “Thanks for the ride. See you.”
“Aydan.” He eyed me with unconcealed exasperation. “In the first place, you just had sedation and you’re on the verge of hypothermia. You shouldn’t be left alone. And in the second place, we need to talk.”
“Nooo…” The whimper escaped me before I could prevent it.
Christ, suck it up.
I stiffened my spine. “I was alone after sedation b-before and nothing happened. I’ll hop in the tub right away, and I’ll be f-fine. And…”
I bit off my words and fumbled the bug detector out of my waist pouch with still-shaking hands. We both eased out a breath when the light glowed green.
“…and I d-don’t really think there’s anything more to say,” I finished. “We b-both know-”
“Tub. Now,” Kane interrupted, steering me through the kitchen with firm hands on my shoulders.
“W-wait…” My protest went unheeded. In the bathroom, he turned on the bathtub taps full blast before turning to reclaim the jacket I still clutched around me.
I tightened my grip. “W-wait just a g-goddamn minute. In the f-first place, I’m perfectly capable of running my own bath. In the second p-place, the analysts saw you on my surveillance cameras, and I d-don’t want them thinking we’re having anything more than a short c-conversation before you leave. And last b-but not least, you are not g-going to undress me.”
“Aydan, for crying out loud!” The bathroom seemed very small as he glowered down at me. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before, and this is no time for modesty. You need to get warmed up, and I’m not leaving you unsupervised in a bathtub full of water when you’ve recently been sedated. Not to mention that you inexplicably lost consciousness not too long ago.”
“It wasn’t inexplicable, f-for shit’s sake! It was just the new k-key.” I yanked the jacket out of his grasp and pushed him in the direction of the door with approximately as much effect as if I’d shoved a mountain. “And j-just because you saw me naked before d-doesn’t mean you’re going to see me naked again,” I added with more conviction than I felt. “G-get out of my bathroom and g-go home.”
“You’ve got my jacket,” he replied, nodding toward my white-knuckled grip. “And I’m not going anywhere. So you might as well get in the bath before it overflows.”
“Oh, f-for…”
The storm-grey of his eyes told me I wouldn’t win this argument. I stared up at him in sheer frustration. Getting naked in front of him was a bad idea for many reasons, none of which came immediately to mind. Which pissed me off even more.
“Out!” I snapped, bundling his jacket into his hands. “Unless you want me to file a real sexual harassment charge this time.”
His eyes blazed, his jaw hardening before he turned on his heel and strode out, closing the door with more force than necessary.
I blew out a long breath that turned into a sub-vocal whine and twisted the water taps off hard in lieu of throttling him. Or possibly myself.
The hot water seared my icy skin when I crept trembling into the tub, and I sighed and thumped my head against the wall behind me, squeezing my eyes shut.
What a fucking disaster.
Okay, think it through. Maybe it would be okay. Kane hadn’t actually lied to his chain of command about our relationship… Shit, it wasn’t even a relationship; it was just sex. One time.
Okay, twice, but the first time didn’t really count.
My mind wandered unbidden to that first time, generating a rush of heat that had nothing to do with bathwater.
Stop that.
I determinedly rerouted my mind. I’d told him it was nothing more than sex, dammit. I
f he had just let it go the way I’d told him to…
I groaned. That made it even worse. If we actually had a relationship, if I had given him something in return…
But I had given him nothing but heartache. And if Stemp found out that we’d slept together and that Kane had lied about it by omission, Kane would be court-martialed and imprisoned.
His exemplary career, his life, utterly destroyed. And for nothing.
All my goddamn fault.
I groaned again and slithered down in the tub, letting the hot water close over my head and listening to the pulse thumping in my ears. Heartbeats are supposed to go ‘lub-dup, lub-dup’. I was pretty sure mine sounded like ‘stu-pid, stu-pid’.
The suddenness of the hard hands on my body would have made me shriek if I hadn’t been completely submerged. Instead, I inhaled a gout of water and instantly convulsed, choking and flailing. Blinded by tears and chlorine-laced water, I tore at my attacker’s grip, raking his hands in feral panic.
“Aydan!”
Kane’s voice swept me with a deluge of relief.
Coughing racked my body while he dragged me from the bathtub onto the bathmat, where I lay hacking and gasping. At last, I managed to control my breathing. Struggling onto my knees, I grabbed a wad of toilet tissue to wipe my streaming eyes and nose.
Kane knelt beside me, watching worriedly.
“What the hell?” I croaked. Another paroxysm of coughing seized me and I missed his reply. “Sorry, what?” I tried again.
“What happened? Did you pass out?”
“No, I was just underwater, I-”
His face went expressionless, his usually warm baritone flat. “Were you trying to kill yourself?”
“No! Shit, no! I was just-”
“Just what? Trying to scare the hell out of me? Or were you setting me up for another rape charge?” He made a short, angry gesture at the scratches on his hands. “Nice job. I’ll wait in the kitchen while you call the police.” He jerked to his feet and strode out.
“What… No, of course not. Wait!” I hauled myself to my feet and hurried after him. “I’m sorry! I didn’t know it was you. Jesus, you scared the shit out of me.” I tugged him back toward the bathroom, my heart still pounding.
When we rounded the corner into the light I winced at the sight of the livid red scratches. “God, I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t know it was me?” I glanced up to see his cop face softening.
“Of course not, I’d never attack you! I thought you’d left.”
“No, of course not. I told you I wouldn’t leave. I was just coming down the hall to check on you when I heard you groan. I tapped on the door and called, but you didn’t answer. I was worried, so I peeked in. When I saw you underwater, I thought you had passed out and you were drowning.”
“I couldn’t hear you underwater. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s all right.” His hands closed around mine. “You’re shivering again. And you’re dripping everywhere. Get back in the tub.”
I hesitated, but it seemed a little silly to quibble over nudity at this point. Besides, I was freezing.
I clutched the edge of the slippery tub, my legs shaking with cold and residual shock. All we needed now was for me to fall and crack my skull open so the paramedics could find Kane standing over my naked, unconscious body. With fresh scratches all over him. Perfect, just perfect.
His hot hand on my elbow made me twitch with the sudden intense awareness of his closeness. “Don’t slip,” he rumbled. “Here…”
I let him help me into the tub, blushing despite myself. Dammit, so much for my noble vow to keep things professional. Or at least non-naked. I whipped in a liberal slug of bubble bath and scrunched down below the protective bubbles.
He smiled. “That’s better. It’s nice when you cooperate. Rare, but nice.” Before I could retort, he added, “Do you have any antiseptic?”
“Peroxide in the second drawer. There are bandages in there, too.”
“Just the peroxide is fine. You only broke the skin in a couple of places. The rest should fade pretty fast.” He extracted the bottle and lowered himself cautiously onto the toilet lid. The plastic creaked beneath his weight, but held, and he began to dab peroxide on the scratches.
After a few moments he shot me a glance, his gaze coasting over the bubbles before meeting my eyes. He sighed and leaned back against the toilet tank. “So Kraus and Webb both know.”
“Yes. I’m not worried about Spider, but Sam…” I couldn’t control a shudder as the nausea seized me again.
“Just breathe.” He stroked my hair. “It’s not that bad-”
I bolted upright, sloshing water and bubbles over the side of the tub. “Hell, yes, it’s that bad! It’s worse! You don’t know what it’s like to have every single part of your… your… being… stripped naked. All your personal secrets, everything you’ve hidden, all the shameful little things you wouldn’t want anyone to know…” My breath hitched and I gulped hard. “And it’s not just my secrets, it’s other people’s secrets, too. Yours. Everything I know about you. Everything.”
The sick look on his face told me he finally got it.
My words poured out. “Arnie’s secrets. Stemp’s. Classified stuff… Oh God, John, if Sam blabbed even some of the stuff I know, an innocent little girl could die…”
“Stop!” Kane seized my shoulders, giving me a little shake. “Yes, it’s bad, but you can’t change it. Don’t make yourself sick over it. That’s just a waste of energy.”
“I know, but-”
“No buts. You know I’m right.”
I drew a long breath and let it out slowly. “You’re right.”
“Relax. Calm down. Stay in here until you’re warm. We’ll talk when you’re dry and… dressed.” His thumb slid over my bare shoulder as he released me, and his gaze dipped to follow its path before meeting my eyes again. “I’ll be in the living room. I’ll check on you every few minutes. Call if you need help.”
His voice had deepened again, and I swallowed and slid lower in the bubbles, hoping he’d mistake my flush for the warmth of the tub. “Okay. Thanks.”
Thank God, he rose and strode out seconds before I could ask him to wash my back. Or anything else.
Chapter 8
When I finally emerged pink and pruney from the bathtub, my tremors had subsided and my stomach contents had agreed to stay put. My arms and legs felt like lead while I dragged my clothes on, pondering.
Okay, damage control.
In his interrogation, Stemp would identify any threat to his secret wife and daughter in Bulgaria. If there was any danger, he would make sure Katya and Anna were whisked out of harm’s way. Anna wouldn’t die.
Combing out my wet hair, I wondered what she looked like. I had a mental image of a cute little six-year-old with straight brown hair and solemn brown eyes, but I’d never seen a photo of her or her mother. Not for the first time, I marvelled at the dedication that kept Stemp here when his loved ones were so far away.
Kane’s safety was what really worried me. I knew too much about him. Where he lived, where his father lived, some of his cover identities. Thank God I’d never gotten close enough to know too many personal details. What I already knew would be dangerous enough if it reached the right ears.
Most of my classified information would have been accessible to Sam anyway through his own security clearance, so that probably wasn’t as big a deal as I’d initially thought. And Sam’s knowledge of Arnie’s and my personal demons wasn’t the end of the world. Creepy and mortifying, yes, but not actively dangerous.
And speaking of dangerous…
I let out a long sigh and padded toward the living room. When I poked my head in, Kane was slouched in the big upholstered chair, legs stretched in front of him, arms crossed, chin sunk on his chest. He straightened and gave me a smile that didn’t hide the worry in his eyes. “We have to talk.”
“Yeah.” I flopped onto the couch across from him. “Do you t
hink Sam would have sold what I know about you? Is there any market for that kind of information?”
Kane shrugged. “It would depend on who he talked to. It doesn’t matter anyway. I’ll take a few extra precautions around my house and condo until we know the results of Stemp’s interrogation, but I expect if Kraus was looking for information to sell at a profit, mine would be low on the priority list.”
“What about your dad? Could he be in danger?”
“Unlikely.”
“You need to warn him, though.”
Kane sighed. “I will, but he won’t listen. Once a drill sergeant, always a drill sergeant. He thinks he’s tougher than anybody on the planet.” His laugh lines crinkled in a fond smile. “He may be right. I wouldn’t want to tangle with him.”
I chuckled, remembering Doug Kane’s military bearing and the vigorous gait that belied his wrinkles. “I liked him a lot, even though I met him under bad circumstances.”
“He liked you a lot, too.”
An awkward silence descended.
“What will you do if Stemp finds out about us?” Kane asked at length.
“What will I do?” I frowned at him. “It won’t matter to me at all.” I cursed my tactlessness when I glimpsed the pain in his eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it came out,” I added hurriedly. “What I meant was, there likely won’t be any consequences for me. I’m worried about you.”
“No, I think you meant it exactly the way it came out.” His cop face was firmly in place, his tone neutral. “You made it clear that you weren’t interested in anything more with me, and you’ve been avoiding me for the last two months. And when you can’t avoid me, you treat me like a casual acquaintance. One you’re not overly fond of.” The edge of hurt in his words slashed my heart.
“I’m trying to protect you!” My words burst out sounding angrier than I’d intended. “For shit’s sake, John, it would’ve been bad enough if Stemp had found out we’d slept together, even before that whole rape and sexual harassment thing blew up. Now if he ever finds out, you’ll get court-martialled for lying in front of your whole chain of command. You’ll lose everything. No relationship is worth that!”
Spy, Spy Away Page 6
