by P Nelson
“Oh, well. Have a nice life.” Lilith choked the words out and stood up to reach for her purse and jacket. The last year had been the hardest of her life, but Calla never wavered in her friendship. Not when Lilith had put the house and contents up for auction, not when she refused to see Kevin’s parents and brother and not even when she gave half the money from the estate sale to Kevin’s kid. She kind of thought Calla would never leave her.
“Sit your ass back in that chair.” Calla pointed to the chair Lilith had just vacated. She thought over the words Calla had used before.
“You said you were done with me.” Lilith made a grab for her coat.
“No, I said I’ve had enough, and I have.” Calla stood up from her seat and pointed at the empty chair. “Now, sit down, Lilith or we’re going to have an old-fashioned school brawl right here in the middle of this very busy chain coffee shop.”
Lilith plopped back down into her seat and deflated a little. “What do you want from me, then?”
“I want to see a spark of life in those damn eyes of yours again!” Calla thumped the table, and the people sitting near them turned to watch. “You know what day it is today.”
Yes, Lilith knew what day it was. She knew it yesterday and the day before, she knew it when she woke up every day. She knew it when she drove to work and when she drove home. And, she knew it when she sat down at her desk and fired up her desktop to start work. She saw the time and date on the top corner of the screen as she opened her spreadsheets, yelling at her what day it was. “It’s been a year since he died.”
“So, you’re not even using his name anymore.” Calla breathed deeply. Lilith studied her friend. When was the last time she took a really good look at Calla? Her friend had worry lines around her eyes and mouth, and there was weariness to her that she hadn’t ever had at university. Lilith watched in concern as Calla opened her mouth, “I’m not letting you do this to yourself anymore. Do you understand me? It’s time to forgive Kevin and forgive yourself.”
“I did,” Lilith said simply. “I moved on with my life.”
“You call what you did healing and moving on?” Calla’s voice choked. “You abandoned your family, you basically sold anything that had to do with your old life, and you moved jobs just to really make sure you didn’t have to deal with anything that happened.” Her voice turned hard, and it was the first time Lilith ever heard her use the voice she used on her therapy patients. “I gave it to you. I let you do what you had to do to survive, but it’s time to stop all the bullshit.”
“I can live without the Dr Phil session,” Lilith replied mildly.
“This isn’t an intervention, sweetheart. This is a full on ‘I’m going to invade every aspect of your life crazy as shit intrusion’ until you stop and grieve for the life you threw away.” Calla wasn’t pulling any punches.
Lilith tried to grasp the words she needed to make Calla understand. “I did grieve. You have no idea.” She said as she thought about all the lonely nights she spent in her new apartment, looking at her second-hand furniture and staring at the empty walls. She had taken nothing from the house after she left the day of Kevin’s wake and couldn’t tolerate the thought of keeping anything from her old life. It felt contaminated.
“Did you cry? Did you have any emotional outpouring at all?” Calla asked quietly. “Don’t lie to me because I know you didn’t.” She looked around the coffee shop and waited a second before she continued in an even quieter voice. “I do some side work at a club, and I think it’s time you came and joined me.”
“Therapists not making enough to pay the rent these days?” Lilith asked thinking she never complained about being broke before.
“Not the kind of club where people get drunk, dance, and flirt with one another.” Calla thought for a minute. “Well, the last two can happen, but there’s a two-drink maximum so no one gets drunk. I’m talking about an exclusive lifestyle club.”
“You’re a waitress at a private club, and you want me to be a waitress, too?” Lilith asked and looked over at the clock on the wall, ten more minutes.
“Sometimes I just want to jump over the table and shake some sense into you,” Calla said with annoyance. “I do side work for an exclusive BDSM club. Mostly making potential members’ psych profiles and ensuring everyone is living up to the code of safe, sane, and consensual.”
“Holy shit. You’re one of those weirdos who let’s men hit them.” Lilith was shocked, and she watched Calla’s face go bright red in under a minute.
“I am not a weirdo, and there’s nothing wrong with me,” Calla whispered furiously under her breath. “You have no idea what you’re talking about, but I think you’re ready to explore your sexuality. Just because you’ve ignored it over the past year doesn’t mean that it’s going away.”
Shaking her head, Lilith pushed away from the table, ready to get up again. “I’m not going to have sex with a bunch of strange men just because you think I’m repressed.”
“Wait a second. At what point did I ask you to star in your own porn movie?” Calla held up her hands. “You need to get out of your comfort zone in a safe and fun environment.” Calla pulled her briefcase over and rummaged around inside until she brought out some papers. She put them on the table and slowly pushed them towards Lilith. It was a black folder with a small dome golden birdcage imprinted on the front with the doors open. “You need to look through these papers and see if this might interest you.”
“What does your mum say about you being a pervert?” Lilith asked half-jokingly as she opened the black folder like there might be a snake waiting to strike inside.
“My mum believes it’s important to explore my sexuality,” Calla insisted as Lilith looked at what appeared to be a welcome letter and a list of rules. There were a lot of rules.
Lilith closed the folder and shoved it back. “You’re free to do whatever you want in your spare time, but I’m not interested.” She pushed it back towards Calla.
“Read through everything and call me with any questions you have.” Calla’s expression was so earnest that Lilith pulled the folder back. She knew she owed her friend at least to pretend she’d consider letting some strange man spank her ass.
“Fine, but I have to go. My lunch hour is up.” Lilith grabbed the folder and shoved it into her tote bag.
“Just do some research and know that BDSM doesn’t mean you have to have sex.” Calla flushed again. “I mean the sex is amazing, but if all you need is the emotional release. You can find it at The Cage in a safe place where no one will hurt you.”
“You think it won’t hurt to have a man spank me?” Lilith said standing up. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“I’m not giving up on you!” Calla called after Lilith as she wended her way through the tables of the busy café. Outside on the sidewalk, Lilith pulled her sunglasses out of her tote and pushed the black folder inside further. What was Calla thinking? It was brisk despite the sun shining, a typical autumn day in Vancouver. Lilith walked down the sidewalk towards her office. She gazed around her and wondered where the time had gone. One year since Kevin had died, and his secret had been unleashed in her life.
Sometimes, like today, Lilith wondered what would have happened if Merritt had shown up on her doorstep and Kevin hadn’t died? Would she have forgiven Kevin, or would she have left him? Would Kevin have divorced her and married Merritt. These thoughts swirled around in Lilith’s head and until she forced herself to take a deep breath. Lilith had been fine before Calla started pushing her today. Maybe it was time for her to cut ties with the last person in her old life.
Sitting down at her desk, Lilith organised her papers and stared at her screen until her brain focused on the numbers. Why had she become an accountant? Lilith dove back into her memories and couldn’t put her finger on when she had consciously decided to spend her entire life crunching numbers and staring at a computer screen. Someone called her name, and she looked up from the screen. Her boss Eric Danvers stood staring
down at her with a frown on his face and some papers in his hand.
“You were somewhere else there for a minute,” Eric commented, and Lilith felt the same uncomfortable prickle go over her skin that she always had when her boss stared down at her.
“Only organising my thoughts,” Lilith replied and placed a sunny smile on her face. Eric Danvers might make her uncomfortable with his broody stares and questioning glances, but he had given her a job on short notice, and she would always appreciate that.
“I have the final numbers for the end of the month from sales. I’m sorry it took so long for them to get organised. I guess the new product line is doing much better than expected, and they had to scramble to get all the figures in.” Eric explained.
“It’s no problem. I will have the month-end report on your desk by Monday,” Lilith assured him. Eric frowned down at Lilith and the feeling that she had disappointed him made her stomach drop. “Or I could stay late and have it done tonight.” She quickly supplied and reached for the folder. Eric held it to his chest and looked around until he spotted a free chair in the cubicle next to Lilith’s. He pulled it over with one hand and sat down facing Lilith, placing the folder on the desk.
“I don’t want you to work late on a Friday night or come in tomorrow on your day off to finish a month-end report that can be a few days late.” Eric sat forward with his elbows on his knees looking into Lilith’s eyes. “When I hired you, I did a little digging. I know your husband died and so I excused your behaviour as mourning, but it’s been a year. You need to start having a life again.”
Lilith knew her mouth was opening and closing, but she couldn’t seem to stop. First Calla and now Eric was pushing her to what? Lilith didn’t even really know. Well, that wasn’t true, Calla wanted her to have some stranger dressed in leathers spank her ass. A sudden picture of being draped over Eric’s lap while he spanked her flew across her brain. The image was so visceral Lilith could feel the blush creeping up her neck.
Licking her lips, Lilith tried to grab onto her wildly erotic thoughts that seemed to be spinning out of control. “I had no idea you knew I was a widow,” Lilith stumbled over the last word. How long had it been since anyone but Calla mentioned Kevin? In her heart, she felt divorced rather than bereft.
“Vancouver is a small place, and people talk,” Eric smiled warmly and sat back on his chair. “Why don’t we have dinner this weekend?” he asked without batting an eye.
“You and me, out for dinner?” Lilith asked stupidly.
“Yes, that is normally how two people go on a date.” Eric’s smile widened.
“Oh.” This could not be happening. Lilith had worked here for almost a year. This had been a safe place where she could punch in and out and not bother with the rest of her colleagues. Oh, she knew they whispered about her behind her back, but she didn’t care. Lilith didn’t want to go for office drinks or attend baby showers. She was above all that now.
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re hard on a man’s ego, Lilith?” Eric’s face turned serious, and his voice dropped a couple of notches getting deeper, silky. “Come to dinner with me tonight.”
“Aren’t there rules about dating in the workplace?” Lilith grasped at anything that might help her turn Eric down without him getting upset.
“I’m the boss, and no, there aren’t any rules,” Eric persisted.
Lilith thoughts raced as she tried to come up with an excuse. “I have a date.” She thought about the black folder in her tote bag.
“Really?” Eric’s brow rose, and Lilith wanted to confess her lie immediately, but she carried on.
“Yes, it was very unexpected; my friend Calla set it up for me. A blind date. With a guy I don’t know.” Lilith realised she was babbling.
“Calla Jones set you up on a date?” Eric asked with suspicion in his tone.
“You know Calla?” she asked feeling confused.
“I told you Vancouver is a small world,” Eric reminded her.
“Well, she only told me about the date at lunch this afternoon,” Lilith hedged.
“Damn.” Eric shoved the chair he was sitting in back and let the wheels roll out of the cubicle a bit. “I’m glad you’re getting out, and now I know your dating, I can always try again.” He looked disappointed as he pushed the chair he used back into place. “No rush on those end of month reports, Lilith, I want you to actually enjoy your weekend for once.”
Lilith watched her boss walk down the row of cubicles and studied his profile as he turned to speak to one of his employees. When Lilith started, she had only thought of Eric as a man with a job. Now that she studied his tall muscular frame, she noticed that his shirt stretched over his muscled upper arms, and the five o’clock shadow spread across his strong chin was sexy as hell. She just wasn’t interested. Lilith knew from a woman’s perspective that Eric was hot, but she just didn’t feel anything for him. And that was, in part, what was wrong with her. She couldn’t feel anything.
Turning back to her desk, Lilith reached down and slid the black folder out of her tote bag. Looking around to make sure no one was watching her, she set it on the desk in front of her keyboard. She reached out and traced the golden birdcage with her finger before opening it up to reveal thick, cream paper.
An ordinary enough welcome letter sat on the top of the sheets, and Lilith read through it. Mostly it talked about the importance of the three main tenets of BDSM safe, sane, and consensual play. It instructed Lilith to read and sign the nondisclosure agreement inside the package and go through the list of hard and soft limits to ensure the safety and enjoyment of her experience.
Lilith’s eyes scanned through the yes or no questionnaire that listed everything from kissing, to spanking with hands, with floggers to anal penetration and humiliation. The list of questions was four pages long and would take her ages to get through after searching the internet for all the stuff she’d never heard about before. Pushing the papers back onto the desk, Lilith leaned back in her chair and looked down the aisle of cubicles. Eric was talking to the head of sales; he looked up at her and smiled. Trying not to frown in return, Lilith nodded and looked back at the papers.
Reaching for her phone, Lilith looked for the only number she had programmed into her mobile and hit send. A moment later, Calla’s voice came through; she sounded wary.
“Yes, I will go to this club with you, but I don’t think I want strange men touching me,” Lilith explained in her best librarian’s voice.
“Oh, Lilith, by the time you get to the club, you’re definitely going to want a man’s hands all over you!” Calla giggled into the line. “I have a Dom in mind for your thirty-day training period.”
“Wait, you never said anything about committing thirty days to this,” Lilith’s temper rose. It was odd feeling angry about something. “Just one night.”
“That’s not how it works Lilith, a Dom must train you, and I know the perfect man to bring you out of your shell; keep tomorrow night open. Do you have a current STD test?”
Lilith felt herself blushing again and wondered whether this was going to be the new norm. “I got one done after the wake. You know because of everything, just to make sure I was clean.”
“OK, well, I know you haven’t had sex with anyone over the past year, but you need to do another one for the club. In fact, it’s a requirement to have a screen done every month if you’re playing at The Cage. Also, if you end up having sex with someone who is not an active member of The Cage, you need to have an STD screen done. Do you understand?” Calla asked.
“Yes, I’ll book an appointment.” Lilith was surprised at the high level of safety provided for each member of The Cage. It made her feel a bit better about going there.
“Good; now do you have any other questions?” Calla asked.
“What’s pony play?” Lilith tried to keep her voice low.
&
Gaige listened to the dull thump of industrial music at The Cage as he nursed his second and last beer for
the evening. It had been a long week, and he really needed to play, but none of the subs who approached him were doing anything for him.
“Gaige.” A man with curling golden hair that brushed the tops of his ears strode into the area designated as the bar in the middle of The Cage.
“Flynn.” Gaige stood up from his bar stool and set his bottle down. He reached out and shook the other man’s hand while they both pounded each other on the back a few times. Flynn took the stool next to him and ordered a scotch.
“You playing tonight?” Flynn asked, and Gaige knew it was out of more than mere curiosity that he asked.
“The training contract I had with Denise finished last week.” Gaige said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“She seems really nice,” Flynn offered. Gaige glanced over at the man who owned The Cage and who had been his best friend since high school.
“You’re fishing, you old gossip,” Gaige tried to make his voice sound even, but he knew it came out flat.
“I worry about you.” Flynn took the glass that was offered and saluted Gaige with it before he took a sip. “You haven’t had a full-time sub since Jasmine. It’s fine to train the tourists and set them free for the other Doms, but you have needs, too.”
“If I wanted a psych session, I’d book one with Calla,” Gaige groaned and looked away from his friend. “The truth is, I don’t know what I want and as a Dom, I can’t bring nothing to the table.” Gaige ran a frustrated hand through his black hair. “The fact is I’m thinking of taking a break for a while. Business is good, maybe I need to get out of the city, catch a fish, and shoot a bear. I don’t know, anything.”
“What the hell are you going to do with a bear after you shoot it?” Flynn asked laughing but sobered up when he saw the look on his friend’s face.
“Just pick a sub you’re attracted to and have some filthy, nasty sex with her,” Flynn advised as his eyes scanned the St Andrew’s crosses, spanking benches and other instruments of torture that were lined up on stages set all around the bar. Flynn’s body stiffened, and Gaige glanced over to see the cause. Calla walked out of the women’s changing room wearing a leather miniskirt so short when she bent over her pussy would be on display and a black tank top with DM written in large letters over her boobs.
