by Susan Stoker
“How long did it take for you to get your head out of your ass?” Quint asked.
TJ chuckled, although it wasn’t a humorous sound. “Long enough that when I went back for her, she was gone.”
“Damn,” Cruz said. “That sucks.”
“Yeah.”
“You’ve got the resources, why don’t you look her up? Find her?” Conor asked.
TJ turned to him, and Conor almost flinched at the look of self-recrimination on the other man’s face. “Because I was a dick. Because there’s no way she’d want anything to do with me after what I did to her. Besides, it’s been years. She’s probably married with kids by now.”
“You won’t know unless you try. If there was a chance she’d take you back, would you try to find her?” Dax asked.
TJ’s response was immediate. “Yes.”
The other man raised one eyebrow at him as if to say, “Well?”
TJ sighed.
No one said anything for a long moment before Conor offered, “Maybe she’s waiting for you to fight for her. Maybe she had to leave back then because something happened to her or her family. You have no idea what occurred, and I can’t believe a man like you—a man I respect and trust more than most—wouldn’t even try to find out what went down between the time you left her, and got your head out of your ass and went back to her. If you never try to find her, you’re an idiot.”
“Well, don’t hold back, tell me exactly what you think,” TJ grumbled into his beer.
The other men laughed, but they obviously agreed with their friend.
“I have no idea what kind of woman would want to be with someone who examines dead bodies for a living,” Calder chimed in. “But when I find her, I’m not letting her go.”
“And speaking of women who want to be with us…I’m gonna get home,” Dax said as he swallowed the last of the beer in his glass. “Mackenzie has tomorrow off, so we can…sleep in.” He grinned evilly.
“I’m out of here too,” Cruz stated. “Mickie doesn’t have the day off tomorrow, so I need to get home before it gets too late and she’s completely comatose.”
The others hung around long enough to finish the pitchers of beer Erin had brought to the table, and then said their goodbyes as well. Conor wandered over to the bar and hitched himself up on a barstool. He asked Erin for a glass of water, and they spent the rest of the evening flirting with each other.
Hours later, after he’d given Erin a good-night kiss at her doorstep, Conor smiled at the text he’d received from her as he drove home. As was her usual, Erin had sent him a note as soon as he’d left her side, complete with emojis, including a pencil, a tennis ball, and a barber shop pole. They made no sense to him, but he liked to see those random pictures, because they were so her. But it was her words that burrowed into his heart and wouldn’t let go.
Erin: You make me forget that I was ever unhappy.
Putting his phone down to be safe while he was driving, Conor couldn’t stop the huge smile. He hated that Erin had ever been unhappy, but he’d spend the rest of his life making sure she wasn’t ever that way again.
8
“Come to Christmas dinner with me,” Conor asked after their usual morning run. They were both sweaty, but it had been exhilarating. It was a bit chilly, but not too bad for Texas. They’d been having a mild winter so far, and running in the morning was actually pleasant rather than being too cold.
“Oh, uh…I don’t know.”
“I want you to meet my sisters. And my parents. They’re going to love you.” Conor was willing to push, but if she truly didn’t want to, he’d relent.
They were walking back toward their cars and Conor reached for her hand. They held hands as they walked, and he thought she wasn’t going to answer him.
“It’s not that I don’t want to meet them,” Erin said quietly.
“What is it then?”
She stopped and turned to face him. Conor refused to let go of her hand even when he felt her grip loosen. “We’ve been dating for three weeks,” Conor said. “We’ve talked on the phone every day since that canoe trip. Christmas is a big deal in my family, and I want to share it with you. I can’t stand the thought of you being alone in your apartment on Christmas.”
Erin bit her lip. “I told you that I don’t do Christmas.”
“I know you did. But you haven’t said why.”
She wouldn’t meet his eyes. “It just doesn’t bring back good memories for me.”
“Let me help you make better ones then,” he cajoled.
Erin looked anywhere but at Conor. He waited her out. Finally, she looked up at him. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah.”
Conor pulled her to him and hugged her.
“Conor! I’m all sweaty!” she exclaimed.
“So am I. Who cares!” But he pulled back enough so he could see her face. “Seriously, thank you. This is gonna be great. Promise.”
She didn’t look convinced, but he appreciated the smile she tried to give him. “What time and what should I bring?”
“If it’s okay, I’ll pick you up around one. Mom always has dinner ready early, like four. It’ll give us a bit of time to hang out with everyone before we eat.”
“Should I bring presents?” she asked quietly.
Conor shook his head. “No. I’ll take care of it. I’ll just put your name on the stuff I got.”
Her brows came down at that. “You can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Well…because.”
Conor laughed. “That’s not a reason, bright eyes. Look, I asked you to come. It’s short notice. You don’t know my family. It’s no problem saying the gifts are from both of us.”
“But won’t that give them ideas?”
“Ideas?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m not sure what you’re saying, but yeah, it’ll let them know that I’m serious about you, which they’ll know anyway because the last time I brought a woman to a holiday meal with my family was…never.”
She stared up at him, her green eyes huge in her face. “You’ve never brought a woman home to meet your family?”
“Not in a long time, and never to Christmas dinner.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t—”
“Erin,” he interrupted. “I really want you there. I want to show you off.”
“But we haven’t even…” She looked away from him, then brought her eyes back to his. “We haven’t spent the night together, haven’t done more than kiss.”
Conor leaned into her and rested his forehead against hers. “So?”
“Maybe it’s too soon.”
“It’s not too soon. We might not have made love yet, or done whatever else is going on in your brain that makes you think a man and woman are officially together, but I can tell you this.” He paused for dramatic effect before he continued. “I’ve never wanted a woman the way I want you. So you agreeing means the world to me. Whatever your preconceived notions are for how a relationship should work, ignore them. We’re us. We’re making our own rules.”
She swallowed hard. “Okay.”
“Okay,” he repeated, smiling at her. “I’m incredibly happy, Erin. You make me happy.”
“Me too,” she said immediately.
“Good. Unfortunately, I have to get going. I’m helping another officer with a poaching investigation today.”
“Is it dangerous?”
Conor shrugged. “Anything can be dangerous, but this shouldn’t be. We’re just calling people who know the guy we think shot and left a deer in a field. Trying to get information. We’ll also be looking at his social media to see if he posted any pictures or bragged about it.”
“Sometimes I forget that you’re a cop,” Erin said softly, running her finger up and down his chest as she spoke. “You’ll be careful?” she asked, looking up at him.
Conor grabbed her finger and brought it up to his lips. He kissed the tip. “Yeah, bright eyes, I’
ll be careful.”
“Good.”
“You get your grades posted?” He knew she’d been working hard to grade the final exams she’d given so she could put the grades into the university’s computer system.
She nodded. “Yeah.”
“So you’re free until the spring semester starts?”
She smiled. “Sorta. I need to get started on my lectures for January. And I always redo my tests. Students are way too savvy and I know they pass them around in the hopes the professors are too lazy to make new ones each semester.”
“Ah, to be eighteen again,” Conor said. Then added, “Not.”
They both laughed.
“I’m really happy you’re coming to dinner, Erin.”
She nodded. It wasn’t lost on him that she didn’t say she was happy too.
“Want to hang out tonight?” he asked. He knew she had the night off from bartending.
“I’d like that.”
“Me too. I’ll call when I get off, okay?”
“Sounds good.”
Conor knew he had to get going. He leaned down and kissed her. It wasn’t exactly a peck on the lips, but it wasn’t a full make-out kiss either. He pulled back. “I’ll see you later.”
“Later.”
He backed away as he headed for his truck. She walked in the opposite direction, headed for her Jeep parked on the other end of the street outside the entrance to the park where they usually ran.
As he headed home to shower and get ready for work, Conor couldn’t help but smile. He knew she had reservations about meeting his folks, but hoped after she saw how awesome they were, she’d loosen up. He figured she was nervous simply because of her situation with her dad leaving and her mom not being the best maternal figure. He couldn’t wait for her to see how a family was supposed to work. It was going to be the best Christmas yet.
It was going to be the worst Christmas ever.
Erin couldn’t believe she’d agreed to go to Conor’s parents’ house. Not only that, but she was going for dinner. A special dinner that would probably have several courses and there’d be way too much food. She’d look rude if she refused to eat much, but she’d be completely miserable if she went ahead and ate what she didn’t want.
She closed her eyes and tried to think of a way she could change her mind. Maybe she could call her boss at The Sloppy Cow and get him to put her on the schedule. She shook her head. No, the bar was closed on the twenty-fourth and fifth. That wouldn’t work.
She could pretend to be sick! No, she couldn’t do that either. She didn’t want to lie to Conor, but she wasn’t comfortable opening up to him yet. Intellectually, she knew she didn’t have anything to be embarrassed about, but emotionally she wasn’t ready to tell him about how she used to look. To explain that mealtimes were actually torture for her. Her dysfunctional relationship with food wasn’t something a new boyfriend wanted to know about…was it?
That was the thing, she had no idea. Was she supposed to spill her guts before they slept together? What if she didn’t and he saw her scars from her skin-removal surgeries and was repulsed? She’d worn long-sleeve shirts and pants for so long, it had become second nature to hide behind her clothes.
She rested her elbow on her desk, thankful the university was practically deserted now that all the students had left for Christmas break, and tried to think rationally about what she’d agreed to do.
After thirty minutes, Erin thought she finally had a plan. She’d go to dinner, meet his family, sample everything his mom cooked, even though it would kill her to eat that much, then after Christmas, she’d let him know about her surgeries. She had the thought that she should probably tell him before she went to his parents’ house and met his family, but she simply didn’t feel ready yet. And when she shared her past, she’d totally downplay how much she’d weighed. Then, if he wanted, she’d sleep with him.
Truth be told, she wanted him. Wanted to know what all the hoopla was about. She liked it when she used her vibrators, but the orgasms she had weren’t anything to get too excited about. Hopefully being with a flesh-and-blood man would make it better.
She wasn’t sure how it was going to work though. She wanted Conor. Wanted him bad. Wanted to see his beautiful body, run her hands all over it, but she didn’t want him to see her. She couldn’t bear to have his rock hard body next to her own not-quite-as-perfect one.
She covered her eyes and sighed. She should just break up with him now. She was a mess. A complete mess. He deserved better.
Just then, her phone vibrated with an incoming email. Picking up her phone, Erin unlocked it and clicked on the app.
Speak of the devil. She’d been thinking so hard about him, it was almost weird that she’d received an email at the same time. She clicked on Conor’s name and opened the message.
Hey, bright eyes. I wanted to send a note to let you know how happy you’ve made me. I know this is hard on you. I don’t know why, but I hope you’ll tell me someday, so I can reassure you and make it better for you. My parents are going to want to adopt you. My sisters are going love you. Mary’s kids are going to want you to be their new babysitter.
The bottom line is that they’re going to take one look at you and decide you’re way too good for the likes of me. They’ll probably spend the entire time asking why you’re with a reprobate like me. Just ignore them. :)
But Erin, if at any time it gets to be too much, just say the word and we’ll leave. I want you to meet my family because you’ve become important to me. Very important. But don’t think it’s escaped my notice that this will be the first meal we’ve shared together. I haven’t pried, but I know there’s something to that. So if we need to bail before Mom serves the lasagna (it’s not traditional, but we have turkey at Thanksgiving, and Mom once said it was such a pain to cook the bird, that she wasn’t doing it twice within a couple of weeks. Since we all love pasta, we agreed wholeheartedly. Lol), we will.
I hope you are having a good day. I can’t wait to see you tonight.
Love, Conor
Erin’s eyes filled with tears. How she’d managed to end up with a man like Conor for her first boyfriend, she had no idea. She’d fully expected to have to go through a couple of horrible relationships before she’d found a man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Nope. She could totally see herself with Conor. But until she came clean with him, she had no idea if he could see himself with her.
The fear of sliding and going back to what she used to be was always in her mind. It was her greatest fear. She never wanted to weigh that much again. Even though she’d done it to herself, it was awful. She’d been in constant pain, and the ridicule and censure she saw in other people’s eyes on a daily basis was horrible.
She always felt as if she was one bite of food away from being Eat-more Erin again.
Putting the phone down—she couldn’t email Conor back right now—she took a deep breath and pulled her keyboard closer. She had work to do. She’d get it done, then think about what she’d agreed to do.
That night, after dinner of course, Erin opened the door of her apartment to Conor. She swallowed hard at seeing him. He was so handsome, but tonight he’d obviously gone out of his way to look nice for her. He was wearing a tight pair of jeans that hugged his legs in all the right places. Her eyes went up his body, past the dark brown cowboy boots she’d only seen him wear one other time, over his muscular thighs straining at the material of his jeans, past the bulge at his groin. He was wearing a button-down light blue oxford shirt, open at his neck. The color complimented his hair and eyes. He’d shaved before he’d come over because she couldn’t see any sign of the five o’clock shadow she’d halfway fallen in love with on their canoe trip.
When her gaze met his, she was startled to see desire sparkling there…for her.
“You look beautiful,” he said softly, not making a move to enter.
“Thanks. You look great too,” Erin told him, stepping back and motioning him inside. She
was wearing a pair of loose-fitting black slacks and a forest-green blouse with three-quarter-length sleeves. She’d left her hair down and had gone out of her way to attempt to curl it.
Conor took a step toward her and caught her hand with his. He pulled her into him without a word and lowered his head. He brushed over her lips once, then twice. The third time, he pressed into her, deepening the kiss.
Erin met his tongue with her own, more than happy to have him in her space. After several moments of intense kissing, he pulled back. He turned and closed the door behind him, making sure to lock it securely.
“The rest of your day go okay?” he asked.
Erin nodded, suddenly nervous. She didn’t know why. Maybe because this was only the third time he’d been in her apartment. When he’d asked to come over tonight she’d agreed, but hadn’t thought about what they’d do. Since it was after dinner, she didn’t even have preparing food as a distraction. She fiddled with the hem of her blouse and bit her lip, trying to think about what to say.
“Hey,” he said softly, using his finger under her chin to raise her head. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Erin replied immediately.
“Don’t do that,” Conor told her. “If something’s wrong, I want to know about it so I can try to fix it.”
“I’m just…nervous.”
“Why?”
She shrugged.
“Come on,” Conor said, turning and tugging her after him as he made his way inside and to her TV room. It wasn’t a big apartment, but was big enough for her. A small kitchen, medium-size room with her TV, two bedrooms, two bathrooms. It was plenty.
He walked her to the couch and sat, pulling her onto his lap.
“Relax, bright eyes. Don’t be nervous with me. We can just chill here and do nothing. You don’t need to entertain me.”
“Did you have a good day? Did you find the poacher?” Erin asked, trying to do as he said, relax.
Conor’s hand caressed up and down her thigh as if he didn’t even know he was doing it. Erin shivered. It felt really good. She liked his hands on her, even if they made her uncomfortable sometimes, simply because she wasn’t used to being touched.
