by Susan Stoker
“Erin—” Conor began in a soothing tone, but she interrupted him.
“Let me finish. Please. If I stop now, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to continue.”
“Sorry, bright eyes, go on. Get it all out,” Conor said tenderly.
“I graduated from high school and moved out. I haven’t seen my mom much since then. She calls me at work every now and then and tries to insinuate herself into my life, but for my own sanity, I try to have as little to do with her as possible. But moving out didn’t stop my eating, it only made it worse, since I wasn’t accountable to anyone. I got a job as a middle school gym teacher, but got fired when I couldn’t walk more than the length of the gym without huffing and puffing. I wasn’t exactly a good role model for the kids. I don’t blame the school district at all. I had money saved up, but things got scary when I had to move out of my apartment because I didn’t have rent money. I’d spent it all on food.”
Erin took a deep breath and tucked her head under Conor’s chin. He tightened his arms around her, feeling awful for all that she’d been through.
“I was over four hundred and fifty pounds at that point. I knew if I didn’t do something, I was going to die. So I went to a doctor. It took a long time, and a lot of hard work, but I was able to lose thirty pounds on my own, in part to prove that I was serious about losing the weight. Then I had gastric bypass surgery. My stomach was divided into two parts, with the section holding the food I eat becoming about the size of a walnut. Because it’s so small, I can’t eat as much as I did before…and if I try, I usually get sick.”
“Jesus, Erin,” Conor breathed.
“No, it’s good. It’s great, actually. I was able to lose the weight. Of course, then I had a ton of extra skin. So I had to have surgery to remove it. That was the hard part. It hurt. A lot.” Erin shrugged. “But this is the thing…even though I look completely different now, most of the time, I don’t feel different. I feel like the same person I’ve always been. I saw a therapist for a while, and that helped, but it’s so weird to look in a mirror and see someone I don’t recognize when I feel exactly the same inside. I’m still the same person who cried herself to sleep every night after my dad left. I’m still the same Erin who used food as a crutch.”
Conor wasn’t sure what to say to that, so instead he asked, “What happened tonight?”
She took a deep breath. “I’m not comfortable eating in front of other people. It just…I can’t eat a lot still, and it makes me feel weird. I can’t remember the last time I sat at an actual table and had a meal.”
“Oh, Erin, you should’ve told me. I would’ve introduced you to my family a different way.”
“I know. But you were so excited and I really did want to meet them.”
“It was more than the dinner, wasn’t it?”
Erin nodded against him. “For my entire life, food has been the enemy. I used it as a crutch when I was younger, then after my surgery it was a nuisance. Something I had to do to stay alive. I’ve never felt any pleasure in eating. Not after my dad left. But your—” Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat and continued. “In your family, food is love.”
Her words seemed to echo around them.
“Food has always been the antithesis of love for me. Conor, your mom is overweight. So are your sisters. But no one harped on them for how much they had to eat tonight. For snacking. Your dad couldn’t stop touching your mom, it’s obvious how much he loves her. And George and Alfred don’t seem to see the extra weight on your sisters, either.”
She looked up at him then, her green eyes piercing in their intensity, but Conor could see the sadness lurking below the surface. “I’m a virgin because no one wanted to get anywhere near Eat-more Erin. I was the laughing stock of high school and college. And now I have scars. Big ones. On my inner thighs, my arms, across my stomach. Stapling my skin back together after they cut off the excess isn’t an easy thing to hide. How did your sisters find someone to love them, weighing what they do? And your dad stays with your mom even though she’s fat.” Her face crumpled in sorrow. “If my dad didn’t want me when I was skinny, I knew there wasn’t any chance for me…especially after I got fat.”
Conor couldn’t keep quiet anymore. “Oh, bright eyes, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.”
“I was trying to hang in there, but at the end, when your mom gave me those cookies?” She motioned toward them with her head. “It hit me. Hard. No one ever gave me food in my life. My mom constantly hid it or took it away. Then I bought it myself. Since I was fat, no one dared give me something that might make me fatter. Then when I started trying to lose weight, there was no way I would eat something like that. After the surgery, I couldn’t eat solid food for the longest time, and when I did, it wasn’t cookies. I can’t tell you the last time I even ate a cookie.”
“I can take them with me when I leave,” Conor reassured her.
“No!” Erin cried, shaking her head. “I…your mom gave them to me. Food is love for her. You said they were special. That she doesn’t make them all the time. Why’d she make them for me, Conor?”
“Because you’re special, bright eyes. My mom knows how much you mean to me. And she wanted to show you in one of the only ways she knows how. Cooking for you. And you’re right. She and my sisters are overweight, but their men see them for who they are inside. If you asked my dad, he’d tell you that there’s just more of my mom to love.”
“Why the picture?” Erin asked quietly.
Conor knew she was talking about the gift his parents had given her. He leaned forward and picked it up. It was a picture of him when he was about ten. He’d been fishing with his dad and was so proud of the first fish he’d caught that day. It was big, and he’d barely been able to hold it up.
“Mom wanted to know what she could get you for Christmas. She has thousands of pictures of me and my sisters around the house. I thought you’d get a kick out of seeing what a dorky kid I was.”
“I love it,” Erin told him. Then she sat up and shifted on his lap. She used her fingers to wipe her cheeks and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry about tonight. Your parents have to think I’m a head case.”
“Actually, they’re really worried about you. I talked to my mom about an hour ago, and she told me I should get my butt over here and take care of whatever was hurting you. Oh, and be warned, I think she and my sisters are planning on coming to The Sloppy Cow in the near future.”
Erin gaped at him. “What?”
“Yup. Erin, they loved you. Nothing you did tonight was a turnoff for them. You were nervous, they could see it. But more than that, they could sense that you’re a good person.”
“But I’m not.”
Conor barked out a laugh. “Erin, you’re way too good for me, and they know it. If it was up to them, they’d kick me out of the family and adopt you instead.” He was happy to see her lips quirk as if she wanted to smile. He took her face in his hands, much as he had earlier that night. “I love you, Erin Gardner. You. Whether you weigh a hundred pounds or four hundred and fifty. That isn’t going to change.”
She bit her lip and whispered, “Even if I gained back all the weight, you’d still love me?”
“Damn straight. I love what’s in here,” Conor said, moving one of his hands to her chest over her heart. “And as much of an asshole as it makes me, I love that you’re untouched. I hate the reasons why, but that doesn’t diminish the chest-beating asshole inside of me who wants to scream ‘mine and only mine’ at the top of his lungs to any other man who even looks at you. And I don’t give a shit about scars. I have them too. I was shot once; did you know that?”
“You were?” Erin gasped. “What happened? You’re okay though, right?”
“I’m fine. Long story and I’ll tell you later, but my point is that I have my own scars. I heard a saying once…scars are tattoos with better stories.”
He was relieved when she smiled at that.
“From this moment on
, I want to make food be love for you too, bright eyes. Not something to be ashamed about, or to hide under the covers. I’m not going to try to change your eating habits and I won’t force you to any other meals at my parents’ house, but I want to show you that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with indulging every now and then. That when my mom makes you a pile of cookies, it means that she’s accepted you.”
Erin stared up at him for a long moment, then leaned over sideways. Conor immediately moved his hands to brace her as she leaned halfway over the couch. She grabbed one of his mom’s cookies from the plate, then sat back. She rested her head on his shoulder and brought the cookie up to her nose. “What’s in these?”
“What isn’t?” Conor said quietly, feeling hope rise in his chest. “Sugar and more sugar. Chocolate, caramel, candy, and more sugar.”
Erin didn’t respond, but brought the cookie to her lips and took a nibble.
Conor held his breath.
She swallowed, then took an actual bite of the sugary confection. Then she handed the rest to him. Conor took it and shoved the entire thing in his mouth, not really thinking, more concerned about what was going on in Erin’s head.
When she looked at him with huge eyes, he mumbled around the cookie in his mouth, “What?”
“What if I wasn’t done? You just shoved it in without thought.”
He smiled and chewed until he was done. He swallowed and said, “There’s more where that came from.”
She stared at him then sighed. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For not running out of here screaming. For not being appalled at how much I used to weigh. For making it seem normal for me to take one bite of that cookie then give the rest to you.”
“Bright eyes, in the future, if there’s anything you don’t want to finish, or can’t, rest assured, I’ll have your back.”
She grinned. “Then you’ll weigh four hundred and fifty pounds.”
“Nah,” he returned. “We’ll go running every morning together and help each other keep things in perspective.”
“I’d like that.”
Conor shifted then, pulling her down on top of him as he stretched out on the couch cushions. “How was the cookie?”
“Sweet,” Erin said.
“I warned you.”
“You did. But it was also the most amazing thing I’ve ever eaten in my life. And if you touch my stash, I’ll have to hurt you.”
He smiled. “They’ll go bad if I don’t help you eat them,” he cajoled.
“I have a freezer,” Erin said. “I’ll freeze them and eat one when I feel my sugar levels dropping too low.”
Conor closed his eyes and lay back on the cushion.
“Conor?”
“I’m good,” he said without opening his eyes. “I’m just relieved. I was so worried about you. I’m glad you reached out to me. And that your big bad secret wasn’t big or bad.”
“Um…finding out I used to weigh almost a quarter ton isn’t bad?”
“Absolutely not. You telling me you had cancer would be bad. Or telling me you didn’t ever want to see me again would be bad. Learning your bitch of a mother tried to make your life a living hell and that you clawed your way back to the other side is a miracle. You’re my miracle, Erin. I thank God every day that me and my friends found The Sloppy Cow and I met you.” He wrapped his arms around her and his hands flattened on her lower back. “I’ll tell you something else too.”
“What?” she asked, her brows furrowing in concern.
“If anyone dares insult you again, they’ll have me to deal with. Those days are done, bright eyes. You’re not alone anymore. I don’t know if you realize this or not, but you’ve got a whole host of people at your back now. Me, my parents, my sisters and their men, my law enforcement friends, their girlfriends, and even my firefighter friends and their other halves. You’re a part of something way bigger than you probably realize.”
She propped herself up on his chest and looked down at him. She swallowed hard before saying, “I don’t know what love is. I thought my dad loved me, and he left. I’m pretty convinced my mom never loved me. I haven’t ever had any friends like you’ve had.” She stopped and bit her lip.
“And?” Conor prompted.
“I haven’t ever loved myself; in fact, I’ve hated myself for most of my life, so I don’t know that I even know how to love someone else. But I want to.”
“There’s no pressure, Erin. I know I probably jumped the gun, but I want you to know that I absolutely care about you. This isn’t casual for me. You’re the first person I’ve brought home to meet my family in a really long time. If I have to teach you how to love again, then that’s what I’ll do. In the meantime, I’ll be at your side, protecting you while you come out of that shell you’ve buried yourself in for so long.”
Without a word, Erin lowered her head and kissed him.
Conor let her take control of their kiss. He loved every second of her mouth on his and did his best to lie still and let her explore.
After several moments, she leaned back. “You taste like sugar,” she said quietly.
Conor chuckled. “I’m sure I do,” he agreed. “Those cookies have at least a cup in each one.”
“Can I try again with your family?”
“What do you mean?”
“I liked them. They’re funny and I want to get to know them better.”
“Absolutely.”
“Maybe without the pressure of a huge holiday meal though?” she asked.
“Yeah, we can do that.”
“Conor?”
“Right here, bright eyes.”
“Will you stay?”
“Nothing would please me more,” Conor told her emphatically. “You want to stay here or go to your bedroom?”
“Here,” was her lazy reply.
Conor could feel her deadweight on his chest and closed his eyes in contentment. He never would’ve guessed in a million years what Erin had been through, but instead of turning him off, it only made his resolve to make her his own stronger. She’d been on her own for too long.
He made a mental note to ask Dax and Cruz if they’d made any headway in finding out anything about her father.
After hearing her story about her mother, he was even more convinced the woman had had something to do with her husband’s disappearance. It would hurt Erin, but maybe more than that, she could understand that her father hadn’t willingly left her. That he’d honestly and truly loved her. They could deal with the consequences of her mother’s actions and move on. Hopefully together.
Before long, he felt Erin’s breathing even out and her limbs relax. She’d trusted him enough to fall asleep on top of him. He just hoped he could get her to trust him that much while she was awake.
Conor’s eyes went to the plate of cookies on the coffee table. He wasn’t happy the simple gift had hurt her, but he was thankful, nevertheless, that they’d been the catalyst for Erin to open up to him.
Her words echoed in his brain. Food is love.
It was true. All his life, his mother had cooked for him and he’d known how much she loved him as a result. Food was never hidden, never shameful. He’d always had enough, never gone hungry. He’d never thought of his mom as fat until they’d been in the grocery store one day and he’d heard a woman mumble something rude under her breath about his mom’s weight. It had surprised and shocked him, but his mom had just shaken her head and told him to ignore the woman.
His sisters had dealt with bullies too. He’d hated it then and he hated it now. Even today, people made snide comments about their weight. He’d done his best to protect them when they were kids, but he knew there were times when both Mary and Karen had considered suicide. That was why he’d acted the way he had when the boys on the camping trip had made the offhand comments about overweight people.
Conor hadn’t realized it, and might not’ve until much later in their relationship if she hadn’t come over for dinner,
but he suddenly came to the conclusion that, while he and Erin might’ve been raised very differently, by very different parents, they’d still been through similar experiences.
He might not have been overweight, but he’d witnessed the difficulties his sisters had suffered with their extra weight while growing up, and understood on a level many others wouldn’t what Erin had gone through as well.
Conor wouldn’t ever be able to look at food the same way again. He’d do what he could to make food equal love for her too. Eventually.
Slowly and carefully, Conor shifted Erin until her back was against the cushions, and he was lying next to and partly under her. He kissed her on the forehead and relaxed. This was the first night they’d spent together, but it wouldn’t be the last. Not by a long shot.
11
Erin thought things would be weird between her and Conor when they woke up, especially since this was the first time they’d woken up together, but she should’ve known better.
“Hey, bright eyes, wake up.”
She opened her eyes to see his brown ones looking down at her.
“Good morning. I hate to do this, but I need to go.”
“What time is it?”
“About four.”
“No wonder I’m exhausted,” she said sleepily, sitting up on the couch.
“I got called in. I’m sorry we can’t run this morning.”
“It’s okay.” She looked down at her lap.
Conor put his finger under her chin and raised her head so she had no choice but to look at him. “No matter what happens the rest of the day, the best part of it was waking up with you in my arms.”
Erin relaxed. “For me too.”
He leaned down and kissed her gently. “Go back to sleep. I’ll text you later.”
“’Kay.”
He’d left and she had slept for a while, finally getting up around five-thirty. She was working at The Sloppy Cow later but wanted to make sure she got in a nice long run first. Not only because she wanted to burn off some of the calories she’d eaten the night before, but because it would give her time to think.
