“Maybe not.” Stephanie was pensive. She was thinking a lot about it, and what she had to contribute to their life, and Jean had a point about his career and her having to adapt to him. “He said I could handle PR for him if I come to Nashville.”
“So?”
“That’s just a made-up job, like helping him write lyrics. He’s doing fine without me.”
“Then get a real job in Nashville. But wherever you are, if you’re with a big successful guy, you’re going to have to accommodate his career. It won’t work otherwise. The same would be true if you had a busier career than his. The secret is to find someone who is reasonable about it, not like Bill, who never paid attention to you or cared what you thought as long as you did what he wanted, or Brad, who expects Alyson to be some kind of drone. I think reasonable is the operative word here. Fred was pretty good about it, until he started screwing every bimbo in town. He’d be a decent husband if he could keep his pants on. Maybe that’s why I stick around. I actually used to like him. It’s not just about the money.” Stephanie always suspected that was true, although there was so much bitterness and distance between them now that they really didn’t have a marriage, and neither of them made any effort to bridge the gap. Their roles had been set in stone for years. He chased women, and she spent money. But they were both good people. Stephanie was sad for them that things had turned out as they had. And Jean had made the valid point that she would have to adapt to any man’s career, since she didn’t have one of her own. Her career had been Bill and their kids. She just didn’t want to trade it in now and have her career be Chase. She had to have an identity of her own. She was getting there, but the cake wasn’t baked yet. She was still in the oven. And it was a shaky time for her to be making big life changes. She didn’t want to do anything prematurely. They had waited to sleep together and that had felt right. Now she needed time to adjust to the rest. But Chase wasn’t pushing. He just missed her. And she missed him.
After Charlotte’s outburst in the living room on the first day, she looked up all her friends and was hardly home after that. She was out all day, went to her friends’ homes almost every night. She went to Tahoe for a weekend, went camping for two days in Yosemite, and Stephanie almost never saw her. She flew through the house, and they never had a meal together. Stephanie finally caught five minutes with her in the kitchen when she was waiting to be picked up to go to a concert at the Oakland Coliseum.
“Do you want to get a manicure together tomorrow?” Stephanie asked her pleasantly. Charlotte had been home for a week, and Stephanie wanted to spend at least a little time with her.
“I can’t. I’m going to Sonoma. Heather’s parents have a new house there.”
“What about the next day?”
“I don’t have time, Mom.” She had kept a wall up between them. Officially, it was about Chase, but partially it was her age, and she was still mourning her father. And she blamed her mother for everything on the planet, mostly because she was alive and Bill wasn’t. “I want to see my friends while everybody’s still home. This is our last summer. Next year after we graduate, everyone will be working, and nobody will come home, and I probably won’t either.” Stephanie wanted to say “What about me?” but she didn’t. Charlotte was driving the point home that she wanted to spend her time with her friends, not with her mother.
Two days later she was looking for something in a drawer when Charlotte walked into her bedroom.
“Do you know where my tennis racket went?” Charlotte asked her, looking annoyed. She had discovered that her mother had moved the contents of the closets around too, and she didn’t like it, even though it seemed to work better. And she’d noticed that some of her father’s things were gone, like the old sports equipment he no longer used, and a set of barbells that had been rusting in the garage for years.
“I moved all our sports stuff to the basement closets,” Stephanie said over her shoulder as Charlotte wandered toward her father’s dressing room with a sad look. Stephanie didn’t say a word as she watched her, and Charlotte opened a door and saw that the closet was empty. One by one she pulled them all open, and saw her mother’s winter coats in one, some evening gowns in another. But her father’s clothes were gone. She turned to her mother with a look of horror.
“What did you do?” she asked in a choked voice. “Where are Daddy’s clothes?” She acted as though her mother had committed a sacrilege, and Stephanie’s face was as pale as her daughter’s when she answered.
“I gave them away, Char. I had to. I couldn’t live with them staring at me in the face every day. I have to live here.” Her daughter said not a word, she turned on her heel and strode out of the room, and a moment later Stephanie heard the front door slam, and the car Charlotte was using drive away. It didn’t matter what Stephanie did anymore, she was always wrong. Any sign of life or change or even healing on Stephanie’s part was treated as a crime. There was no question in her mind now. They wanted to bury her with him. And as long as she refused to lie in the grave with him, they would hate her.
She talked to Dr. Zeller about it the next time she saw her, and they agreed that to some degree it was normal. Still, her children appeared to be carrying it to an extreme degree, and Chase was such an easy target for their anger at their mother.
“Whatever I do is wrong,” Stephanie said unhappily with tears running down her cheeks. “It’s not like I’ve forgotten their father. I haven’t. I loved him. But he’s gone, and the truth is for at least the last ten years, we had a lousy marriage.”
“Then why do you feel so guilty about moving on?” her therapist challenged her, and Stephanie thought about it.
“Maybe because they’re so angry at me.”
“Or because you think you don’t deserve a better life?” Stephanie thought about it for a long time, and then nodded, and blew her nose.
“He never cared about what I thought, or what I wanted. He never asked me. Nothing I said ever made a difference. And now the kids treat me the same way. They don’t care that I love Chase and he loves me and he’s a great guy. I’m just supposed to sit here and pretend I’m still married to their father. Well, I don’t want to be. I did it. It’s over. But they won’t let it be.”
“Some of that is normal behavior on their part. Most young people really don’t care how their parents feel. Parents are a vehicle to meet their needs. And some of their anger over their father’s death is normal too. But he set a bad example in how he treated you, and you’re trying to change that. It’s also normal that they don’t like that. Change is hard. But you can’t let it stop you from leading your life. You have a right to a new relationship, and if it’s the one you want, you have a right to move forward. They’ll adjust in time, despite the stridency of their accusations now. You have to seize opportunities as they come along. You can’t let them stop you.” Stephanie nodded, and then told her about her concerns about Chase’s life in Nashville.
“He has a huge career. I don’t know how I’d fit in. Or if I’d lose my identity the way I did with Bill. Chase is larger than life.”
“You can’t lose your identity unless you give it up. No one can take it from you,” she reminded her. “And I don’t think you’d do that again. Bill and Chase also sound like very different people. Bill was much more autocratic with you, and sounds pretty inconsiderate and indifferent. Chase is always trying to find ways to include you.” What she said was true, and as always, gave Stephanie food for thought when she left her office.
But in spite of what the shrink had said, Stephanie had another big fight with Charlotte that night, because Stephanie wanted to sell Bill’s car. No one used it, or ever would. Seeing it every day depressed her, but having it in the garage reassured Charlotte. It was part of the fantasy that her father was still there and would come back to drive it.
“I won’t sell it now,” Stephanie finally agreed after a two-hour battle that led back to the closets and Chase and even the rusty weights she’d gotten rid of. �
�But we have to sooner or later. It’s just going to sit there.” And she didn’t think keeping it was healthy for her, or the kids. He wasn’t coming back, for the car or anything else. They had to face it. But they weren’t ready, and she was. She was willing to defer selling the car for a while, but not forever. It was a minor victory for Charlotte. They were all fighting to crawl back into the womb of life with their father. And Stephanie wanted to cut the cord. Their needs were different and a constant cause of conflict now.
Charlotte agreed to have dinner with her mother a few days before she left. Stephanie tried to pick a place she’d like. Charlotte wanted the days after that to spend with her friends. And by the time Stephanie drove her to the airport on the day she left, Stephanie felt as though they’d hardly seen each other. It had been a tough summer, full of change and arguments between them. Louise was barely speaking to her, and still angry whenever Stephanie called her. She preferred to send her texts.
Charlotte had opted to stay in the dorms again at NYU, although she had debated about getting an apartment with friends. But her best friends were still in the dorms, so she decided to stay there too. It was exciting to be going back for senior year, and Stephanie was happy for her, and sad that they had spent so little time together, but she knew it couldn’t be any different. Charlotte wouldn’t let it.
Stephanie hugged her before she went through security, and Charlotte turned back once to wave and smiled at her mother. And much to Stephanie’s amazement, she shouted “Love you, Mom!” They were the only kind words Stephanie had heard from her all month. She wondered if what they were going through was just a process, and their way of mourning Bill. Maybe they had to be angry at their mother to get through it. For just an instant, Charlotte looked like the little girl she had been, and then she was gone, and Stephanie drove back to the city. And it was peaceful and calm when she got back to the house. No doors were slamming, no one was shouting or angry at her. No one was staring at her accusingly and telling her what a monster she was, what bad taste she had, or how terrible she looked in a dress or a pair of shorts. It was blissfully peaceful, which made her sad. She had never been happy to see any of her children leave before, and this time she was. The house just wasn’t big enough for them both.
Chase called her an hour later. “Is she gone?”
“I came back an hour ago, and I hate to say it, it’s a relief.” Thinking about it, she was dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas, when she and Louise would both be home, constantly angry and accusing her of something. “Who ever said having kids was easy?” she said with a rueful smile, as she sat down in her kitchen, enjoying the peace and silence. It was no longer lonely, it was a vast improvement over the tension of the past month.
“How soon can you get your gorgeous ass down here?” He couldn’t wait to see her, and the following weekend was Labor Day weekend. He was playing a concert in Memphis and wanted her to come with him. “And I want you to stay as long as you can this time. You don’t have to rush back.” And she realized it was lucky she hadn’t found a job yet, or she couldn’t have gone at all. Maybe Jean was right, and the less busy person had to accommodate the busier one. It made sense. “Can you come tomorrow?” She smiled at how anxious he was to see her. She couldn’t wait to see him too, but she was tired and discouraged after her month with Charlotte and her constant accusations and attacks. It had been incredibly stressful. She felt like she’d lost both her daughters as well as Bill.
“Give me a day to get organized here. How about if I come the day after tomorrow, on Tuesday?”
“Fantastic. I’ll book the ticket.” She had to fly to Atlanta on Delta and change planes, and he apologized that there was no first class, only business.
“I don’t care. You can have them throw me in with the luggage. I’ll be there,” she said, smiling. For the month of her daughter’s abuse, it had been hard to keep the joyful feeling in their relationship, but Chase hadn’t missed a beat, and he was waiting for her now, with a voice filled with excitement.
“I’ve missed you, Stevie. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Me too,” she said, smiling. And for the first time in a month, she didn’t feel guilty. She couldn’t wait to hold him and kiss him and love him, and he felt that way too. And she knew that she had earned it.
She called Jean and told her she was leaving in two days. She left a message for her therapist, canceling her appointment and told her why, that she was going to Nashville. And she told the shelter she would be gone for a while and would let them know when she was back. And she didn’t call Alyson, because she didn’t want to listen to her accusations either, about what she felt Stephanie owed Bill and shouldn’t be doing. And she went upstairs to pack. She was about to do what Chase said was his big philosophy of life. She was going to seize the moment and the day that life was offering her. Carpe diem!
Chapter 22
When Stephanie landed at the Nashville International Airport, Chase was waiting for her as soon as she left the gate area, and he swept her off her feet and spun her around so hard she was dizzy. People watching them smiled even before they realized who he was. And they stood kissing, as people walked around them.
“OhmyGod! I’m so happy to see you!” he said, with an arm around her waist as she beamed. She was just as happy to see him, and felt as though she hadn’t seen him in years, instead of just a month while Charlotte was home. And even his dogs welcomed her when they got to the car. He put her two suitcases in the trunk, and stood holding her again for a long moment as they kissed. And then they got in the car to go home. She could hardly wait to be back at his house. He had ordered two huge flower arrangements for her, and there was a bottle of champagne chilling in the kitchen. He couldn’t do enough for her.
He played some of the new songs he’d written when they wandered into the studio, and she loved them. And as they sipped the champagne, Sandy bounded into the kitchen and threw her arms around Stevie. It was exactly the opposite of what she was experiencing with her daughters. All the girls did was accuse and criticize her right now. Sandy was thrilled to see her, and Stephanie gave her a huge hug and kissed her on the cheek, and then looked at her in a conspiratorial, motherly way. A lot had happened since she’d last seen her.
“So how are things going with Michael?” According to him, things had never been better, and Sandy seemed that way too. She was shy and momentarily embarrassed when she answered.
“He’s so good to me, not like Bobby Joe, or any of the others. He takes real good care of me, Stevie. He’s so respectful, and we’re so happy together.” Stephanie was happy to hear it. Sandy deserved it. She was young, but she was a woman, and she had lived a lot for her age, on the road with her father, and now with Chase, dealing with her own career, its demands and discipline, and learning the ropes of the music business. There was a lot of pressure on her, and she was a sweet person. And it was easy for Stephanie to see why Michael loved her. They were some of the same reasons why she loved Chase—they were real, decent, honest, hard-working, bright, good people. There was a real dignity and integrity to them, a kind of natural nobility that she had come to have a deep respect for, and Michael had discovered too. Stephanie was happy that Michael and Sandy had found each other and had had the wisdom and courage to grab what they’d been offered. And when she saw her son that weekend, the happiness she saw in his eyes confirmed it. He had grown into his manhood over the summer, and she loved the way he treated Sandy. It was obvious how in love they were, just like her and Chase. There was nothing but good vibes around them, not like the tension and manipulations Stephanie had always sensed with Amanda. He tried to come up every weekend, and Stephanie was thrilled to see him, as a bonus for her.
Stephanie and Chase had had a busy week in Nashville before they got on the jet he had chartered to go to Memphis, just as he had when they went to Graceland. The others were going on the bus, but Chase wanted to get there more quickly. He had a dozen deals hanging fire at the moment, and he wanted
some time alone with Stevie. He talked to her about what he was doing, and asked for her advice. Although she’d never had reason to use it professionally, he found she had a good head for business and a commonsense, pragmatic way of analyzing things, and she was creative about coming up with alternate solutions he hadn’t thought of. They complemented each other well, and she was fascinated by his career. There was no aspect of his life he didn’t share with her, in sharp contrast to Bill, who had never told her what he was doing and acted as though she wouldn’t understand if he talked to her about work. He always implied that the only thing she could do was take care of kids, and he had other people to talk to about his work.
There was not a single aspect of Chase’s life that she didn’t know about or contribute to in some way, even if just as a sounding board, and he kept telling her she had a gift for lyrics, which she thought was just his way of being nice to her. They talked about everything he was doing, which made her head spin, and he made love to her as no one ever had before. Their love for each other was growing day by day, and she felt totally at ease with his band and in his world, and he loved to tease her about it.
“All you need now, baby, is a tattoo with my name across your chest, with a heart, and my initials on your ass. Now that would be something!” He loved what a lady she was, and how smart she was, and told her constantly how beautiful she was. Stephanie felt as though she had died and gone to heaven, and she found that she really loved Nashville. She drove herself around in the vintage Chevrolet truck he lent her, and sometimes she took the dogs with her. She was becoming a familiar sight around Nashville. He surprised her with a black sequined jumpsuit that was vintage Chanel, he had found it on eBay, and it fit her perfectly when he gave it to her.
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