“Well, I think you won over Charlotte.” She smiled at him. But Louise was another story. She lived in an armed camp of her own making, and she was about to lose Charlotte’s support about Sandy, and maybe one day about Chase too, although they weren’t there yet.
Louise went out with her friends later that night without saying goodbye to anyone. Charlotte decided to stay in, and invited some of her friends over, and they sat at the piano playing and singing for hours, and all of them loved Sandy. And Stephanie and Pedro went to her room. She was listening to the music and missing Chase, when Jean called her at nearly midnight.
“Holy shit,” she said with fervor when Stephanie picked up.
“What’s wrong?” She thought something might have happened to Fred.
“Alyson found out tonight that Brad had an affair with their last au pair, the one who quit so mysteriously and just disappeared. It’s over now, but he had a baby with her, the same age as Henry”—their youngest. “She showed up on their doorstep tonight, with the kid, and accused him of lying to her and screwing her out of the support he’d been paying her for two years until a few months ago. Poor Alyson is in a state of total hysteria. The woman told her, standing in their dining room in the middle of Thanksgiving, with Alyson’s parents there, that he’s having an affair with the new au pair too. Apparently, she kept her key and let herself into the house while they were eating. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But Alyson wants to kill him. It looks like Saint Brad isn’t as perfect as she thought after all. I always knew he was full of shit. And now she knows it.”
“OhmyGod! Now what?” Stephanie was shocked.
“She says she’s going to divorce him, and she probably will. I don’t know how he’s going to bullshit his way out of this one. Not with a two-year-old as evidence.”
“Oh, poor Alyson, and she thought their life was so perfect, and she’s so in love with him.”
“I think she got cured of that in a hurry tonight. She made him leave the house in the middle of Thanksgiving. He refused, and she started to call the police, so he left.”
“And what happened to the au pair with the baby?”
“She left with him. I think he just wanted to get her out of there. Alyson said the kid looks just like him, so he can’t deny it, and he didn’t try to. The au pair said they had DNA tests to prove it. And Alyson is going to fire the au pair she has now, since the other girl claims he’s sleeping with her too.” It was a lurid tale, but somehow Stephanie believed it. And he had been a little too friendly with her too, ever since Bill died.
“Wow!” She was speechless.
“You should call her. Her parents are here from Michigan, and she’s been crying all night.”
Stephanie called her five minutes later and heard the whole story again in more detail. Alyson couldn’t stop sobbing hysterically and said she never wanted to see him again, which seemed unlikely. They had three children together. But she said she was filing for divorce on Monday, and the way she said it, Stephanie thought she would.
“I’m so sorry, Alyson,” she said sincerely, and felt terrible for her. It was an awful story, particularly knowing that her ex au pair had been pregnant and having a baby at the same time as she was.
“I’m sorry too,” Alyson cried into the phone. “I’ve been mean to you about Chase, but I was worried about you, and I thought it was shocking that you were going out so soon after Bill died, and with someone so different. Brad kept telling me it was a terrible thing to do…and look what he did…he’s such a prick. How could he do that? I hate him.” Her words came out in a rush, and Stephanie felt desperately sorry for her. She had fallen from the heights of innocence and trust to the depths of betrayal in an instant. “I’m sure you know what you’re doing,” Alyson said about Chase. “I just love you, Steph, and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. And now look what happened to me.” She cried for a while longer, and then they got off the phone, and Stephanie lay on her bed thinking about her. It was hard to imagine the rotten things people did to each other, and she remembered when she had found out about Bill’s affair and how hurt she had been. She realized now that she should have divorced him, and she thought that Alyson should too. Their relationship would be irreparably damaged forever. There was no way to repair that kind of hurt and betrayal.
—
Stephanie was still thinking about it when she ran into Louise alone in the kitchen the next morning. She didn’t say anything to her. They had all said enough the night before. Louise looked depressed as she drank her coffee, and then glanced mournfully at her mother.
“I’m sorry I was rude to Sandy last night. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just mad at everyone all the time. I’m mad at you for being with Chase, if you still are. I wish you were still with Daddy. I’m mad at Daddy for being dead. And at Michael for being with Sandy.” And then she grinned. “And maybe I’m just mad that Charlotte was ever born. She was such a pain in the ass when she was little, and sometimes she still is.”
“It’s big of you to admit it.” Stephanie leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I was mad at Daddy for a while for dying too. But it didn’t help. I feel better now.”
“You really weren’t happy with Daddy, were you?” she asked her mother, and Stephanie was careful about what she answered.
“I used to be. We were happy for a long time. And then I think we got sloppy about our relationship. He was too busy, I was busy with all of you, and we kind of got disconnected.” Louise nodded, she remembered. “And there was a point where we probably should have gotten divorced, but we didn’t. We just stuck it out, not connected anymore. I guess I was too scared to get divorced, and I really did love him. But it wasn’t much of a life for either of us.”
“Why do you think that happened?”
“What I said. Sloppy, busy, lazy, careless. You have to take good care of relationships and work at them. We didn’t.”
And then Louise asked her a question that took her breath away. “Did Daddy ever cheat on you?” Stephanie hesitated for a long moment and wondered if someone had told her.
“What difference does it make? If he did, it was probably because our marriage wasn’t good anymore, and that didn’t help it. But I don’t think people cheat in happy marriages they take good care of. Unless they’re just plain stupid.” Like Brad Freeman. “And Daddy wasn’t stupid.”
“Meg Dawson told me a long time ago that Daddy had an affair.” She was Jean’s older daughter, and five years older than Louise. “I was about sixteen and I didn’t want to believe her.” That was exactly when it had happened, and Meg must have heard it from her mother.
“He might have,” Stephanie said, sounding noncommittal.
“Maybe it would help if I knew the truth,” Louise said, sounding lost. “I’ve blamed you for a lot of things, Mom. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe some of it was Daddy.” She had told herself a lot of fantasies about her parents’ marriage and how much they had loved each other. But she had never forgotten what Meg had said and hoped it wasn’t true.
“That’s possible.” She smiled gently at her. “You don’t need to be mad at Daddy. He’s gone now.” Louise’s eyes bored through her, and finally Stephanie nodded. “Yes, he did. But I stayed anyway. He was going to marry her and she changed her mind so he came back to me.” Stephanie hated saying it to her, but it was true. And she made no editorial comment about how selfish he had been, or how much he had hurt her. She just gave her the facts and let her make her own decisions.
“And you stayed because of us?”
“In part, and also for me. I finally realized that recently. I was scared to leave with three kids, on my own. So I stayed, and I guess I shouldn’t have. I never forgave him. I just lived with it. That makes for a lousy marriage. We stayed pretty much away from each other after he came back.” Louise nodded.
“Do the others know? Michael and Char?”
“No, I never told any of you. You didn’t need to know. And I hop
e I’m not wrong to tell you now. It doesn’t matter what we did. Your father loved you very, very much.”
“He loved you too, Mom,” she said quietly, “He told me so, a bunch of times, about a month before he died too. He said you were a really good woman, better than he deserved, and he loved you.” Tears sprang to Stephanie’s eyes as she said it. “I guess he didn’t know how to show you.” Stephanie nodded. He didn’t.
“Thank you for telling me,” she said, and blew her nose as Michael walked in with Sandy. Louise put an arm around her mother then and gave her a hug.
“Thank you, Mom, for telling me the truth.”
“About what?” Michael asked, happening on the scene in the kitchen, and Louise turned to Sandy.
“Sorry I was such a bitch last night. I do that sometimes. Ignore me. Everyone else does. Every family needs one,” she said, smiled at Sandy, and grinned at her brother, as he looked at her in amazement.
“Wow, what happened to you?”
“Mom put marijuana in my cornflakes. It really helps.”
“Yeah, I’ll say.” Michael looked stunned at Louise’s change of attitude.
They chatted easily over breakfast, and Louise and Stephanie exchanged a long look across the table. Something important had happened. Stephanie wasn’t sure what yet, but something had definitely changed. And Charlotte looked happy as she bounded into the kitchen too. They all took a walk on the beach together that afternoon, and made plans to go out to dinner together. Stephanie told Chase all about it when he called her, and she assured him that Sandy looked like she was having a good time.
And that night she went to see Alyson, who was a total mess, sobbing and crying. Brad had tried to see her that afternoon, and she wouldn’t let him in the house. And Stephanie was sad for her when she went home. She drove across the bridge thinking about them, and what a fraud Brad had been. Poor Alyson, but at least she wouldn’t be living a lie, or pretending to forgive him. She said she never would, and Stephanie believed her. And as she thought it, she realized where she and Bill had gone wrong. She had pretended to forgive him, and he had pretended to still love her. He didn’t, despite what he’d said to Louise, and she knew it. And she hadn’t loved him either. Not for the last seven years of their marriage. It had been dead for her then. And as she thought it to herself, she felt free as she drove across the bridge. She could admit it to herself now. She had stopped loving her husband seven years before he died, and maybe long before that. She felt sorry for him now. But she didn’t love him.
Chapter 24
In the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, after the kids left, Stephanie did a lot of thinking. She went on long walks with Pedro, who was great company and the silliest-looking dog on the planet, everyone agreed. She had found a big piece of herself after talking to Louise over Thanksgiving. It was liberating to admit to herself that she hadn’t loved Bill in years. It didn’t make her feel awful about herself. It was honest. She just didn’t. And she had stayed with him and betrayed herself by not having the guts to leave him. Instead, she pretended to be noble.
She went to see Alyson several times, who had filed for divorce as she said she would. She would only speak to Brad through lawyers. The love story of the century had been a fraud while he slept with their au pair and had a baby with her. He certainly wasn’t the first man who had done that, or the last. But Alyson’s fantasies about their marriage had all been lies. She had given up her identity for a marriage that had been a sham and a man who had been a liar. Stephanie knew it would take her years to figure out why she’d done it.
Stephanie and Jean talked about it a lot and felt sorry for her. And Jean reminded her that she had never trusted Brad, nor any other man. She believed that given the opportunity, they were all cheaters. Her father had been, her brothers were. Bill had been. But in spite of that, Stephanie trusted Chase and was sure he was a good person.
He had been fiercely busy between Thanksgiving and Christmas. He had a Christmas album out and was promoting it, and had sent it to her. It was beautiful and made her cry when she listened to it. They had no plans to see each other, although they said they loved each other. But she knew she had hurt him badly when she came back to California to sort out her life. And she hadn’t figured it out yet. She didn’t know what she was waiting for, but she hadn’t tried to find a job, and working at the homeless shelter for a few days over the holidays wasn’t enough to keep her busy, not after a husband and three kids.
And she was torn between keeping old traditions and making new ones. She put up their Christmas tree with all their familiar decorations on it, while listening to Chase’s Christmas album, which was the number-one hit in the nation. She decided to give the Christmas party that she and Bill gave every year, two weeks before Christmas, and was sorry she did it. It was depressing. Half the men there, all of them married, either hit on her or implied it, and would have been more than willing to cheat on their wives, which made her feel slightly sick.
And she still spoke to Chase almost every day. But he didn’t ask if or when she was coming back, and she didn’t say. They avoided the subject so it wouldn’t be final. She didn’t know, and she had been back in San Francisco for six weeks, which felt like an eternity to both of them. And they were both afraid that it was over between them, but they were too afraid to ask, and didn’t want to know.
The children were coming home for Christmas, but Michael wasn’t bringing Sandy this time. She had to be in Nashville with Chase for Christmas, since they had a Christmas concert. But Michael was meeting her in Las Vegas for New Year, where she and Chase were playing a big concert on New Year’s Eve. Michael had promised to be there.
The morning the kids came home, Stephanie got a package from Chase. It was a beautiful simple gold bracelet with “Carpe diem” engraved on it. Seize the day. And on the other side, his initials and the date. She cried when she opened it and put it on. She had a present for him, but she hadn’t sent it. It was a long gold chain with a medal with an angel on it, to watch over him, with her initials and the date on the back. She hadn’t had the heart to mail it to him, but she did after she got the gift from him. She put the bracelet on and was wearing it when the kids came home, but no one noticed. She never took it off.
And predictably, Christmas Eve dinner was hard without their father. Everyone cried, even Stephanie when they toasted him. But they were happy to be together. And Louise seemed in better spirits than she’d been in a long time, and she spent most of the holiday with her mother, while Charlotte ran around seeing friends. She was going skiing with some of them at Tahoe, and Louise was going back to New York for New Year’s Eve to celebrate with friends. Michael was going to Las Vegas to be with Sandy and Chase. Stephanie was going to spend New Year’s Eve alone at home, with Pedro.
“What are you punishing yourself for?” Dr. Zeller asked her when she told her.
“I’m not punishing myself. I don’t care about New Year’s Eve. Besides, I don’t have anyone to be with.” Jean and Fred had gone to Mexico, and Alyson was staying home.
“Yes, you do,” her therapist corrected her. “You have Chase.”
“He didn’t ask me. He’s playing a concert in Vegas.”
“Why don’t you go? He’d be happy to see you, from everything you tell me.”
“I’m not ready.” She looked frightened as she said it.
“Do you suppose you’re punishing yourself for staying married to a man you didn’t love? And you didn’t love yourself enough to leave him? Don’t you think that was punishment enough?” Stephanie said nothing as tears filled her eyes, and the last piece of the puzzle fell into place. She felt as though she were choking and couldn’t breathe. It was hard to hear, but it was true. She hadn’t loved him in years. And now she was paying penance. Depriving herself of a man she did love, and who loved her. It was terrifying to hear. And she was still thinking about it when she was driving home.
All of the kids left the next day, the day before New Ye
ar’s Eve, and Michael asked if she wanted to go to Las Vegas with him.
“He’d love to see you, Mom. Sandy said Christmas was really rough.” She just shook her head and tried not to cry.
“I want to stay here.” She really didn’t, but didn’t know what else to do.
She spent the night alone in the empty house, as she had for two months since she got back, with Pedro. And when she went to bed that night, she carefully took her wedding ring off and put it in the jewelry box on her dresser. She was done. At last.
—
New Year’s Eve dawned bright and clear. It was a perfect day, and she took Pedro for a long walk. She hadn’t heard from Chase in two days, and she knew he was busy. Their New Year’s concert was a big deal. Michael was staying at the Wynn with Sandy and Chase.
And that afternoon, when she got back to the house, Stephanie opened a bottle of champagne and poured herself a glass. She planned to be asleep long before midnight. Jean called her from Mexico to see how she was, and Stephanie said she was fine.
She was playing with the dog in the kitchen, as he batted the gold bracelet on her wrist. It was bright and shiny and new, and she loved it. And Chase had sent her a text to thank her when he got the angel on the chain before he left Nashville. He said he loved it too and needed an angel in his life.
The dog kept playing with the bracelet, and as she pulled her wrist away from him, she read the words again. Carpe diem. Seize the day. It was everything Chase believed about life. It was how their story had started, and why she had gone to Nashville in the first place, and how she had fallen in love with him. They had seized the opportunities they’d been given, and suddenly she knew what she had to do. She didn’t have to punish herself anymore. She had a right to this. And so did he. She grabbed the dog and ran upstairs. It was four o’clock, and she could get to the airport by five-thirty, if she could get a seat on a flight. They had one on a six-thirty flight to Vegas, and she booked it online. She threw the sequined jumpsuit he’d given her into a bag, with some jeans and sweaters and shoes, underwear, a nightgown, makeup, and toiletries, and ran out of the house at five. She stopped at a pet store and bought a traveling bag for Pedro. He was wearing his red sweater, and she bought him a tiny Santa hat at the pet store, and was on the highway to the airport by five-fifteen, and at the airport at twenty to six. And she made her flight. They were due to land in Las Vegas at seven-thirty. Jean called her as soon as they did.
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