by Various
I ran past Harriet Borges.
‘BITE MY TOE-CANS!’ I shouted at her.
I ran past Krishna Malhotra.
‘EAT SKIRT-DUST!’
I ran past Townes MacFarlane.
‘PIGLET POWER!’
I ran past Junior Silesi.
‘I’M A TUNA WITH LEGS!’ I yelled.
I ran past my friend Rashid.
‘I’M A CARDIGAN OF FIRE!’
I kept on running.
Then I realised that there was no one in front of me.
I turned and looked.
Everyone was behind me.
I was in the lead.
I was winning.
I WAS WINNING!
I started to run even faster.
I was running. I was a runner.
I started to run even, even faster.
I was sprinting. I was a sprinter.
I was faster than a piglet.
I was the fastest thing on earth.
Then it happened.
My legs started to wobble. Just a little bit. They still felt like my legs. Just a wobbly version of my legs.
Then they started to wobble a bit more than a bit. A lot of a bit. I was still running but now my legs didn’t feel like my legs any more. They felt like they had a mind of their own. A mind of their own that was making them wobble a lot of a lot.
My knees wobbled in towards each other. Like they were having a talk. A talk about whether to recommend to the rest of my legs that they keep on wobbling or that they do something else.
I think my knees recommended the rest of my legs do something else because all of a sudden my legs stopped wobbling.
Then they stopped running.
Then they stopped moving at all.
Then they just stood there.
I had stopped running as fast as I could.
I had stopped running as long as I could.
I had stopped running as far as I could.
My friend Rashid ran past me.
Junior Silesi ran past me.
Townes MacFarlane ran past me.
Krishna Malhotra ran past me.
Harriet Borges ran past me.
Simon Bolivar ran past me. (He screamed.)
Then Hils crutched past me.
‘Help!’ I shouted to Hils. ‘I’m not a piglet any more.’
My legs were completely frozen.
I was going to be stuck here. Forever. Well, actually that wasn’t exactly right. I was going to be stuck here until I died and I was pretty sure I was going to die soon. So, at least I wouldn’t be stuck here forever. Soon I’d be in a coffin. But maybe I’d never be found and my body would be eaten by a piglet. Or a leopard. Or shared between a piglet and a leopard.
Yes, I was going to be eaten by a piglet and a leopard. For sure.
To make things worse, not only was I going to die and be eaten by a piglet and a leopard, but suddenly I was busting to go to the toilet.
Then I had an idea.
It was probably the last idea I was going to have before dying and being eaten by a piglet and leopard.
‘Legs,’ I said to my legs. ‘You have to move or else I am going to have to do a wee all over you.’
My legs didn’t move.
‘Legs, I promise, I solemnly swear that if you get me to a toilet I will never, ever do running again even though I was really, very, super good at it for a tiny, little while.’
My legs moved.
‘I won’t do dancing either.’
My legs moved some more. They moved so much some-more that I was walking.
‘I’ll always take the lift and never the stairs.’
My legs started to jog.
‘Every morning I’ll rub you with special leg cream.’
My legs started to run.
I ran past Hils.
I ran past Simon Bolivar. (He screamed.)
I ran past Harriet Borges.
I ran over the finishing line.
I ran into the toilet.
‘Charlie,’ said Hils.
‘Hils, you should not be in the boys’ toilet,’ I said.
‘I’m not,’ said Hils. ‘You are in the girls’ toilet.’
‘Sorry about that,’ I said.
‘Apology accepted,’ said Hils.
‘Hils,’ I said, ‘I came third-to-last.’
‘Affirmative.’
‘I don’t think I will ever do better than that.’
‘Affirmative.’
‘I am going to retire from running,’ I said.
‘Affirmative.’
ABOUT
THE
AUTHORS
Andy Griffiths
Andy Griffiths is one of Australia’s most popular children’s authors. From his bestselling, award-winning Treehouse series—now published in more than 30 countries—to the JUST! books (both illustrated by long-time friend and collaborator Terry Denton) and The Day My Bum Went Psycho, Andy’s books have captivated and kept Australian kids laughing for more than 20 years. Andy’s books have been New York Times bestsellers, adapted for stage and television and won over 70 Australian children’s choice awards. Andy, a passionate advocate for literacy, is an ambassador for The Indigenous Literacy Foundation and The Pyjama Foundation.
The Three Stooges. Adventure Time. Pippi Longstocking. The Beastie Boys. The bewildered expression on my dog’s face the time it slid down the slide in the playground. Stuff like that.
R. A. Spratt
R. A. Spratt is the author of the Nanny Piggins and Friday Barnes series of books. Before becoming an author, she worked as a television comedy writer. R. A. lives in Bowral with her husband, two daughters, three chickens, two goldfish and a desperately needy dog called Henry. She enjoys gardening and napping, but rarely gets the time to do either because her children are constantly asking her to make them snacks.
When someone hurts themselves. It cracks me up every time.
John Marsden
John Marsden is the author of the bestselling The Tomorrow series and many award-winning titles. He lives in the Macdeon Ranges, just outside of Melbourne, where he is the principal of two schools, Candlebark and Alice Miller Schools— described by John as his proudest achievements. In 2014, John published his first novel for adults, South of Darkness. This book won the Fellowship of Australian Writers Christina Stead Award for Best Australian Novel of the Year.
Politicians, but not in a good way. Cats on YouTube. Knock-knock jokes (but only the funny ones). Puns, bloopers, Jane Austen, and The Simpsons.
Alex Ratt
Alex Ratt is the pen-name of award-winning author Frances Watts. Alex has written the stupendously smelly books The Stinky Street Stories and 2 Stinky (illustrated by Jules Faber). Frances’s books, which are far more fragrant, have won the Children’s Book Council of Australia Book of the Year award and the Prime Minister’s Award for Children’s Fiction, and have been shortlisted for literary and children’s choice awards around Australia.
I laugh in the face of danger, chortle in the face of diving pigs, guffaw in the face of indignant ducks, giggle in the face of tuna fish milkshakes and split my sides in the face of giant pickles.
Tristan Bancks
Tristan Bancks is a children’s and teen author with a background in acting and filmmaking. His books include the My Life series, Mac Slater Coolhunter (Australia and US), Two Wolves and The Fall. Two Wolves was Honour Book in the 2015 Children’s Book Council of Australia Book of the Year Awards and won YABBA and KOALA Children’s Choice Awards. Tristan is excited by the future of storytelling and inspiring others to create. You can connect with Tristan, learn more about his books, play games and watch videos at www.tristanbancks.com
I LOVE stand-up comedy. I like humour that shocks and surprises me. I can’t help but laugh when things go wrong! As a kid I was a HUGE fan of Roald Dahl, Paul Jennings and MAD Magazine. And, now, David Walliams’s books make me laugh out loud.
Deborah Abela
Deb has always been short and a bit of
a coward, which is why she writes books about spies, flooded cities and surviving Hitler’s bombing raids. Her crankiness about climate change led to the novels Grimsdon and New City, and her own family’s survival in World War Two inspired Teresa: A New Australian, about one very brave girl who migrates to Australia after her own country lies in ruins. Her latest books are The Stupendously Spectacular Spelling Bee and a picture book called Wolfie, An Unlikely Hero. Deb has won awards for her writing but mostly hopes to be as brave as her characters.
www.deborahabela.com
I like to laugh a lot but there are some things that always make me laugh. My partner (who thinks he’s especially funny), riding my bike fast down hills, getting caught in storms during hikes, pigeons, busting uncool dance moves with friends, and goats in videos. Although, in real life, they can be a bit scary.
Tony Wilson
Tony Wilson is the author of many books, including The Cow Tripped Over the Moon, Emo the Emu, Harry Highpants and The Selwood Boys series. He is thinking of making a movie adaptation that mashes all of his books together, starring four footballing brothers wearing high pants who trip over the moon while riding an unhappy emu. This project is still in development. Tony’s 2018 titles are Hickory Dickory Dash (Scholastic) and Jed Kelly (Lake Press). The thing Tony likes best about writing is telling people he’s doing it while he’s really having lunch.
www.tonywilson.com.au
The funniest thing I have ever seen is a YouTube video where a dog called Fenton chases deer. Also— bonsai plants (so weird), mobile phones in old movies (so big!), and kids accidentally crashing into each other in school musicals (so funny!). My son Harry makes me laugh all the time. He’s eight, and when I asked him, ‘What shall I write about for this book?’ he casually replied, ‘Sir Bum,’ and kept on walking. This one’s for you, Harry!
Meredith Costain
Meredith Costain has been writing stories and poems since she was six but would like to stop soon as her arm is getting tired. She lives in a big, old house with a menagerie of pets, who frequently wrangle their way into her stories. Her books include the quirky illustrated series The Ella Diaries, Disaster Chef, CBCA Honour Book Doodledum Dancing, and novelisations of the TV show Dance Academy. She loves sleeping, reading, playing blues piano, and searching for the perfect chocolate bar.
www.meredithcostain.com
When my pets do funny and unexpected things, like the day my cat Harriet ambushed my dog Jack, lying in wait behind a bush and jumping out at him as he happily trotted past. Jack jumped a mile!
And also stories that have words with double meanings in them, like the one about the two vomits. Have you heard it?
Two vomits were walking down the street. The first vomit started crying.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the second vomit.
The first vomit sniffled sadly. ‘I was brought up around here.’
Alan Brough
Alan Brough was born in New Zealand and is quite a bit older than he’d like to be. Alan has always loved books and, from an early age, wanted to be a writer. Then he and his Dad went to see Star Wars and Alan decided that, actually, he really, really, really, really, really wanted to be an actor.
After having been an actor for a while Alan realised there wasn’t that much work for a 6-foot 4-inch guy with a slightly lopsided face and thick curly hair so he tried his hand at directing, broadcasting, composing, dancing (true!), singing and, in an unexpected turn of events, being a professional music nerd.
Recently, he got around to being a writer.
One day he hopes to have a bio that includes phrases like ‘bestselling’, ‘award-winning’ and ‘so successful that he recently bought a solid-gold toilet’. Until then, he’s just happy to look at his copies of Charlie and the War Against the Grannies and Charlie and the Karaoke Cockroaches and think, ‘Cool! I wrote a book. And then another book!’
I make me laugh.
Not in a ‘I am sooooo funny’ sort of way. More in a ‘I am suuuuch an idiot’ sort of way.
A few weeks ago I was going to make a cup of tea and I was looking for my mug. My favourite mug. The only mug I like drinking out of.
But I couldn’t find it. I looked around the kitchen. It wasn’t there.
I looked on my desk. It wasn’t there. I looked next to the chair where I sit and read. It wasn’t there.
Where was it?
I looked all over the house. I even checked behind the toilet.
I just couldn’t find my mug.
I decided that someone must have broken into my house to steal my mug. That was the only logical explanation. I thought about calling the police. I thought about getting a guard dog. I thought about fitting GPS trackers to all the other mugs in the house.
Later that night I opened the microwave and there was my mug.
I quickly cancelled my online order for 15 GPS trackers. Then I started laughing. At myself.
I am suuuuch an idiot.
ABOUT
THE
ILLUSTRATOR
Andrea Innocent
Andrea Innocent began professionally illustrating after returning from living in Japan in 2006. Her personal illustrations tell stories of Japanese ghosts, folktales and depict quirky newspaper articles. Her commercial work covers many areas from editorial illustration to animation. Clients include Microsoft, The Melbourne Recital Centre, Malvern Star, Rolling Stone Magazine, The Australian and The Age. She is also a member of The Jacky Winter Group in Melbourne.
Andrea has also given talks and workshops on all sorts of topics related to illustration and design, such as professional practice, drawing, marketing and character design. She also teaches part-time.
She is currently working from her home studio in the hills with her partner, her son, elderly cat and her Welsh Cardigan Corgi ‘Pickles McGerkin’.
www.andreainnocent.com
What makes me laugh are sports mascots, particularly Japanese baseball characters. It’s something about the enormous head, usually being held up by tiny, comical looking arms and the completely uncoordinated way they run around and into things. That’s what makes me laugh, that and making food into a face :-).
ALSO AVAILABLE FROM PAN MACMILLAN
Laugh Your Head Off
9 authors
9 stories
to make you laugh your head off.
A Choco-pops robot + a practical joke that goes wrong + a talking rock + organic rodent pies + a face that's stuck + a plan for revenge + an out-of-control imaginary fairy + a nit epidemic + five kids and one chimp in space = one hilarious book.
ALSO AVAILABLE FROM PAN MACMILLAN
Laugh Your Head Off Again
9 authors
9 stories
to make you laugh your head off again.
A busting moment + a pet show + a ten metre high concrete tomato + a dog with a knack for trouble + the perfect footy pie + a mischievous monkey + a king on a break from his kingdom + a legendary lunchtime bandit + a llama farm camp = one hilarious book.
First published 2017 in Macmillan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd
1 Market Street, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, 2000
This selection copyright © Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd 2017
‘In the Shower with Andy’ from Just Annoying! by Andy Griffiths, first published by Pan Macmillan Australia 1998. Text copyright © Backyard Stories Ltd 1998
‘Mr Wolf Pie’ copyright © R. A. Spratt 2017
‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ copyright © Jomden 2017
‘The Halloween Chicken’ copyright © Alex Ratt 2017
‘Death by Clown’ from My Life & Other Exploding Chickens by Tristan Bancks. Text copyright © Tristan Bancks 2016. Reprinted by permission of Penguin Australia
‘A Perfectly Normal Thursday’ copyright © Deborah Abela 2017
‘Sir Bum’ copyright © Tony Wilson 2017
‘Nutbush’ copyright © Meredith Costain 2017
‘Charlie and the Stations of the C
ross-Country’ copyright © Alan Brough 2017
The moral rights of the authors to be identified as the authors of this work has been asserted.
All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.
Cataloguing-in-Publication entry is available from the National Library of Australia http://catalogue.nla.gov.au
Typeset in Charter by i2i Design
Cover design: Melanie Fedderson
Cover illustration & title font: Andrea Innocent
EPUB format: 9781760557768
The characters in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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