“Yes and I would have gladly for her. I thought I loved her.”
“You did, son, just not as strongly as you thought. Life has a way of doing that for you. God does that on purpose. Not usually to the extremes that you went through, but he gives you something to think you love so when the real thing comes along, you recognize it. It can’t be imitated.”
“She broke me.”
“No, she didn’t.” He leans up to touch my shoulder.
I take a deep breath, letting his words reach me.
“I love you, Dad. I am so sorry.”
I look back at him so he could see I meant it. He always said if a man couldn’t make eye contact, he was full of shit. Eye contact and a handshake.
I was tearing up looking at my father, who was ill and wouldn’t be here on earth much longer, and I had spent years mad, wasting the time I could have had with him and my mother.
His eyes filled with tears, and I thought I saw a tear fall down his cheek.
“No reason to be sorry. One day, you will have a child, and you will do everything for that child, just as I did for you. I just didn’t do it the right way. I thought by telling you what I knew you would come to your senses and see I was just trying to protect you. Instead—”
“I was a childish shit.”
And we laugh.
“Yes, that stage of your life lasted much longer than it should have.”
“Listen,” he says, and I do as if it were the last words I would ever hear from him.
“All is forgiven. I do need your word on something, though.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I need you to promise me you will take care of the love of my life when I move on.”
“Dad—”
“I’m not a fool, son. I know that my time is coming. I know more than you think I know.”
”I don’t doubt that,” I answer.
I try to crack a joke to get him out of his state of mind.
“I thought you were going to say to take care of those damn horses.” I laugh.
“That too. I know you thought that those horses meant more to me than you did, didn’t you?”
I don’t answer him. I wasn’t going to insult him or admit of my silliness.
“I loved those horses because they needed the love. Most of them were beat, starved, deprived, and frightened. I worked with them, and they trusted me just like you do with people. They need you just as those horses needed me. And like you do with people, I get great satisfaction from healing them.”
I got the message loud and clear.
He struggles to stand up, and I rush to his side to help him for fear of a fall from his weakness.
“There will never be another person who will love you as much as your mother and I do.”
“And I you and Mom.” I smile, trying to hold back my tears.
“See, I told you that you weren’t broken. If you were broken, you couldn’t love at all. But you have to want to be loved.”
Yep, that was my father. Always getting in the last word even when barely able to walk.
Thirteen
Ryann
People have all kinds of talents … and mine was getting myself into situations that I really didn’t need to be in.
Tonight was a perfect example. The Zac Brown Band was playing at the Austin Amphitheater, and I couldn’t have been more thrilled to snag tickets. I got them for Sadie and me. I knew she would want to invite Maxwell but wasn’t sure about Trevor. She assured me that Trevor would want to come, but we had Maxwell invite him since I hadn’t really talked to him the last couple of weeks. He has become distant, and frankly, I don’t know what is going on. But I’m not going to force him to like me or give in to himself. I know what he is battling—maybe not all the details, but eventually, a person has to come to terms with their life. Either live it or waste it.
Anyway, I was going to meet them at nine. I was dressed in shorts and flip-flops very casual with a tank top. Even at night in Austin, it is hotter than Hades, averaging in the nineties. I looked forward to being the one served the drinks rather than the one serving the drinks.
When the other three arrived, I could see Trevor was in a mood and acting as if he didn’t want to be there. Unfortunately, that set the mood and pissed me off. Ungrateful asshat. Why did he come, then?
Sadie and I went to the ladies’ room while Maxwell went to get us beer. The crowd was becoming thicker by the minute, and I wanted us to get to our spots quickly before we lost them.
As we returned, the music started, and I was enjoying every minute. I was living for the minute, loving it, taking it all in, and not thinking about anything other than the music, the beer, and the high from the musicians and the crowd. Austin is the live music capital of the world, after all, and the best of the best play here.
I feel arms wrap around me and jump shocked to the touch. Who in the hell would think it is okay for them to put their arms around me? Do I look like that kind of girl?
I swing around to find … Trevor.
He looks down at me as if to ask if it was okay with his eyes, and then he started to sway with me slowly to the song, sweet and sexy all in one. “Free” is one of my favorites and now will always be.
I don’t say anything, and neither does he. Really, what is there to say? I could see he was enjoying the time just as I was. The air was thick with humidity, and I couldn’t have cared less. I loved his arms around me, taking in his delicious scent. A toxic smell that I could take in at any time, I welcomed it. Clean, fruity, and woodsy all mixed in. I could have licked him. I could feel his muscled chest on my back.
Sadie looks over at me and winks, and Maxwell just continues looking forward, observing the band.
At that moment, I pray for the music to continue to play. I don’t want it to stop for even a second because then he will most likely remove his arms. I knew I wanted him, but I didn’t know why I allowed him to do this.
Two songs later and he hadn’t let go of me for a second. He was holding on to me as if I was a life raft, and I would have gladly saved him from whatever he needed saving from if he would just let me. Yes, I questioned whether I was in a position to save him if I hadn’t really officially saved myself. But I was willing to try, even if I failed.
When the band excused themselves to take a break, I held my breath waiting for him to pull from me. Instead, he kissed my neck lightly and then I turned to kiss him deeply showing him my want, my approval of him holding me, and the intimacy he displayed with no words. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him a little closer. The only thing I knew at that moment was I wanted to kiss him and hoped he could feel the want, the attraction I had for him, and how much I liked him. Maybe if we don’t talk, we won’t ruin the moment.
I could feel he was pulling back and whatever spell he had let himself fall under was dissipating. He was waking from the dream. Instead of the prince kissing the princess, I kissed the prince, and he was about to run. I could feel it.
His eyes said it all, and it broke my heart, my hope, and my self-confidence.
“Trevor—”
He grabs my arms and pulls himself free walking off without a single response, an answer to what had happened. What was causing all the change since the last time I had seen him? Did something happen? Or is he just fighting his internal demons?
The hurt turned to anger, and Sadie must have read my expression from the pub table she was standing at because she hauled ass over to me.
“What in the hell happened?” she asked.
“I don’t know … I can’t go through this with him anymore,” I say sadly.
“He just has issues, and I don’t know if he can get over them,” Sadie says.
“And I am sick of trying. D-O-N-E!” I scream. And I stomp off to find Trevor to tell him just that.
Sadie yells at me as I walk away. “Do you really want to do that?”
I don’t answer her, partly because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do or w
hat I was about to do. But I had to for me. I was losing my control around him, and I swore that would never happen.
I was furious, fire was shooting out of my ears, and I wasn’t going to feel better until I talked to him or slapped the living shit out of him.
*****
Trevor
I stood by Maxwell’s truck trying to find my cool. I came here knowing she was going to be here, I came here knowing I was going to want her, and I came here knowing I wasn’t going to be able to resist her. I want her; there are no two ways about it. I can feel her in my heart, and I have to fight it. It isn’t that I am afraid of love … I just didn’t want it. I would never let my heart feel the pain I had felt before. Because it wasn’t worth it to me.
A few minutes later, I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around to see the last person I wanted to see or needed to see for that matter.
“I have some things to say, and you are going to listen,” Ryann murmurs, and I can tell by the quivering in her voice that she is fighting not to break down. And it did hurt me that I had hurt her. But all is fair in love and war, right? Or like?
I nod my head letting her know I heard her, but I didn’t say anything. I knew whatever I said wasn’t going to matter. She needs to do this, and I need to let her.
“You have no right to lead me on, hold me and kiss me, and then pull away. You have no right to act like you like me and then pull back when you see I like you. And finally, you have no right to let me start to feel like love is possible again—”
I can see the tears in her eyes, and it hurts me. It twists my gut, and I want to hunch over so I could ease the pain. I never intended to hurt her.
“You act so high and mighty, Dr. Trevor James. You know … I find it hard to believe you work in a profession where you want to save people … You want to bring them back to life, but you can’t save the one person who needs it the most. YOU!!!!” You are a doctor? Who the hell cares? The world has a ton of doctors. Be a decent human being. That is harder and more rare.”
I fold my arms over my chest.
“You are too full of hate and resistance to see that love is the only thing that saves people. That makes them want to live, that makes life worth living.”
She pauses.
“If you think I am the type of girl who will continue to let you give me mixed signals, confusing the crap out of me, you couldn’t be more wrong. But stop acting like you want me one minute and then pushing me away the next. I am not going to chase you or convince you to like me. Especially a man who is too ignorant to see what is right in front of his face.”
I look out the corner of my eye and see Sadie and Maxwell watching the attack. They weren’t trying to save me or come to my rescue. Oh, no… it was more like they were on Ryann’s side.
“Why do you push me away when you see we clearly have something?”
“Damn it, Ryann. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to let you in.”
“But why? I don’t understand!”
“I don’t expect you to.”
I roll my eyes and stare at her in confusion.
“Are you going to deny that you have not been giving me mixed signals?”
“I told you that night at your trailer that—”
“I know what you said … but what does that have to do with anything? Everyone has had a bad thing happen to them. For me, it was my father never being around and my mother working her ass off to support me. For me, it was falling in love with a guy who promised me forever and convinced me to give up everything to begin a life with him and then having him strip me of my livelihood. He took everything from me. My hope, my dreams, my trust. He cheated on me numerous times, slapped me around several times, far more than I should have let him, and worst of all, he made me feel like I was worthless without him.
“But if you think I am going to sit around the rest of my life and feel sorry for myself instead of living, you can guess again.”
“Poor Ryann,” I snarkily remark. I couldn’t stand here and take the lecture any longer.
“I don’t want your sympathy. I want you to get off your ass and stop acting like a wounded dog.”
“Fuck you! You have no idea what I have been through,” I spurt out.
“Really? I know. I know exactly what you have been through and why you went away. Why you are so closed off and don’t even want to try to live. Leah.” She says her name, and my heart stops.
“How do you know?”
“Your dad told me. He also told me about what happened.”
I freeze.
“And I am sincerely sorry.”
“Yeah, it sounds like you are.”
“I am. In fact, I went to see her grave after your dad told me. I can’t even imagine … but I just want—”
“I don’t care what you want. I told you from the get-go that it wasn’t going to go far … that I was not going to get into a relationship. In fact, from now on, we are not anything but people who exist in the same city, so don’t take it further than it needs to be.”
“Okay, thank you for clearing that up. I was beginning to think you might have a heart, after all.”
“Nope, you couldn’t have been more wrong,” I say.
She walked off to her car, and I hit the side of Maxwell’s truck not thinking of the damage I would inflict on his defenseless truck or my hand.
“Shit, Trevor, don’t take it out on my truck! Fuck! You are paying for that,” Maxwell screams.
Sadie, having observed my anger, didn’t want a part of it. “I am going to go catch up with Ry and ride home with her. She is going to need me.”
“Call me later then. I am going to get this prick home,” Maxwell says.
*****
I was irate, frustrated, and full of confusion. I knew that most of the things she had said were true, and that pissed me off even more.
Maxwell didn’t have much to say to me, and I knew he was pissed about having to end the night short with Sadie. And his truck.
“You are paying whatever it is going to cost to fix my truck!”
“Fuck off about your truck. I told you I would pay for it.”
He pulls up to my house and turns the music down. He turned it up loud on the way home to avoid any conversation with me. It was just as well because I had nothing to say.
“Trevor, I have known you for a long ass time, but tonight, you really took the cake. You—”
“Are you seriously going to lecture me? You have been a player all your life, and now, you are going to pretend like you are a one-woman man and that—”
“First of all, I am not saying I’m not a player. I happen to really like Sadie and her skills in bed don’t hurt. But this isn’t about me. This is about you being a—”
“A?”
“Fucking dumbass.”
“Ryann actually likes you … and you like her, and you know it. Why do you push away every good thing that comes into your life?” He is right. Every single word coming out of his mouth is true.
“She is good for you, and she likes whatever the fuck she sees in you. Trust me, I don’t know what in the hell that is because you have been an asshole to her far too many times.”
“I didn’t realize you were the authority in love.”
“That’s okay, Trevor, make a smartass comment. Ryann challenges you, and that should make you want to love. And the truth is she does. She loves you, and you love her back … and you don’t know how to handle it.”
“BULLSHIT!”
“STOP!” He screams at the top of his lungs, and I jump at the intensity of his tone.
“That is it! You are running from it. You are starting to love her.”
“Fuck off, Max.” I reach for the door handle and get one leg out before he gets the last word in as normal.
“You act like you like her, and every action shows you’re interested and that you want her. I mean in every meaning of the word and then you act like a douchebag and pull back confusing her and pissing off S
adie. Then that pisses me off because she gets pissed at me. If you didn’t like her, fine, but that is not what your actions are showing. I can tell just by the way you look at her that you like her… And it pisses me off because a whore that almost ruined your life is out of your life and you are continuing to let her fuck you up.”
I stood listening to his words, and no matter how badly I wanted to argue, I couldn’t. He was right, and that hurt even more.
“Thanks for giving me a ride home.” I slam the door defeated. I am alone just as Mom said I would be. And most likely would continue to be for the rest of my pathetic life.
Fourteen
Ryann
I lay in bed on both of my days off rethinking what I had said to Trevor. I cried, I yelled, and I prayed. Not for me, though, for him.
My mother unexpectedly showed up to my trailer after leaving Jackie’s at one p.m.
“Ry, dear… why are you still in your night clothes?” she asks sitting beside me on my couch. I’m still holding my coffee that had been cold for longer than it had been hot.
“I just haven’t been feeling well … tired …”
“Because you work too much.” She did just as she did when I was younger and moved my hair over from my forehead to feel if I had a temperature.
“I’m not sick, Mother,” I remark with agitation.
She backed up, looking at me. “What can I do to help you then?” That was my mother—always extending the olive branch.
“Nothing … I just … I’m afraid I let myself love, and it got me nowhere but hurt again …”
I didn’t cry only because I had nothing left.
“ Trevor?”
“Yes. How did you know?”
“Jackie said y’all were flirting at the James’. I’m not blind, dear. I’ve seen how you look at him and he you.”
“Doesn’t matter anyway. It’s done.”
“Why are you so sure?”
“Because I told him I was done. And I am.”
“Then why are you here moping?” she asks, going in for the kill proving her point.
“Mom, what did you need? And why are you off today anyway?”
“I needed to see if you’d come by before work tonight. I need your help with something at the hotel.”
BrokenHearted Page 12
