We both climbed into the old buggy hitched to a stubbornlooking mule, that was twice the size of any normal horse. He was no more excited about this trip than I, bucking at first, until Hester rubbed his coat and reassured him.
“You gonna be all right?” Hester asked me as she coaxed the mule down the road.
My jaws were tight. “I guess so,” I said. “I’ve made my decision.”
“You got to make sure that you’re comfortable with it, though. Think it over. You can’t undo it once it’s done,” Hester said. “That’s the only advice I can give you.”
“I know. I thought about it all last night. I even prayed about it,” I said. “Even asked God to forgive me.”
I held my hand over my brow to block out the sun’s fierce rays. The sun was high, even though it would soon be overcast by the rain clouds visible over the hills west of us. I took mini breaths to keep from hyperventilating. A frown had taken over Hester’s face, her eyes dark with worry, like mine. She concentrated on the reins, making sure that the mule trotted in a straight line.
After a few minutes of silence, Hester patted my arm. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“I’m scared,” I said in a small voice.
“Me, too.”
When we turned down the familiar path that led to Ginny’s house, my heart started to race. I was overcome with heat flashes.
“You sure this is the right way? Is this the place we need to go to?” I thought that maybe the directions weren’t good or that Hester didn’t remember the turn, since it had been some time since her mother had mentioned the woman to her. So many paths led to houses in the country. Most of them were so far away from the main road that neighbors didn’t know that they existed.
“Yeah, this is it. Momma said that she used to do that kind of thing years ago. She is an old lady now. I don’t know if she is still doing it.”
Beads of sweat started popping out on my forehead. I was flustered. I couldn’t believe that we were headed to Ginny’s. This was not the way I wanted Ginny to find out about my condition. She had already realized that I was expecting. What could I say to her? I couldn’t do it. I told Hester to slow down until I could calm my nerves. I inhaled deeply a few times and blew the air out of my mouth. I could hear Ginny saying, “I told you so.”
“Hester, are you sure this is the place?” I asked again, doubting if she really knew the way.
“This is the place. Momma knew of somebody that she took care of. She was a close friend of hers.”
Anna had called Ginny crazy on more than one occasion, and now I understood why. Ginny was helping women undo acts of nature. I didn’t agree with what she did, but I was one of those women seeking her help for the same purpose.
I trembled violently.
Why did it have to be my aunt? I thought.
“We’ve got to go back,” I ordered Hester.
“What are you gonna do about the baby?”
My plan was beginning to turn sour. The only other thing I could do was give the baby away once it was born, because the Lord knew I had no intentions of raising an unwanted child. I sat rocking back and forth, trying to think of a way out.
“I’ll give it away, leave it on the church steps. I’m sure that someone will want it.” All of a sudden a chill went through my limbs, as I remembered my own beginnings. I was an unwanted child. It was a different circumstance, but was I as cold as my birth mother was? Was this my only option?
“I wish I could answer that question, but I was lost in thoughts and didn’t know what to do.” Hester backed the mule up and turned around. We both had tears in our eyes. We didn’t know what to do.
“You want to do something else today?” Hester asked after she’d recovered.
“I want to go to sleep. I want to go somewhere and lay my head down.”
“Why don’t you come over to my house? You can get all the rest you need. My parents won’t mind. Carrie, you know, this is the first summer we’ve been able to visit one another…and it is a good thing. I wouldn’t want you to go through this alone.”
All the while I was shaking my head. “I’m going home.”
“You sure you want to do that?”
“I want to lie down in my own bed.”
“Be careful.”
My intentions were to go home, but I felt compelled to visit Ginny.
Ginny had been forthright with me from the very beginning, and now I was forced to do the same. Besides Hester, Ginny was the only other person that I felt comfortable talking to, and now I needed her. I was still too embarrassed to tell Hester that the voodoo lady was my aunt. I sat there wondering when I would gather enough nerve to tell Hester the rest of my story.
I left Hester’s house and headed straight back in the direction from where we’d come. The haze lifted and the sun crept out from behind the clouds. I could barely place one foot in front of the other. I felt beat, both disturbed and bothered about what I was about to do. Ginny was not in her usual place, but her chair was still rocking as if she had just gotten out of it.
I tapped on her front door and stuck my head in. “House keeps,” I yelled, and then proceeded to walk in.
“Come on in, I’m back here in the kitchen getting me som’thin to drink.”
“Are you coming back on the porch?” I yelled.
“Uh-huh. I’m coming back outside, was getting me a glass of ice water. Want some?”
“No, thank you. Do you need any help?”
“No, I’ll be right out.”
I flopped down in a chair on the porch and waited for Ginny to return. A moment later she slid herself into the rocker and set her glass of water on the porch rail.
She gazed at me with those mysterious hazel eyes.
“Lordy, what’s on your mind? You look like you got som’thin’ you want to say. G’won, speak up.” It was like she could see and predict the future. I could understand why others said she knew voodoo.
“I wanted to talk to you about something.” She kept rocking as if she knew what was on my mind. “It’s about what you said,” I murmured.
I didn’t look at her. I lowered my head as I’d rehearsed in my mind on the way to her house.
“Now I can see in yo’ face som’thin’ is bothering you. Now, g’won and spit it out. I can’t read yo’ mind.”
“I’m expecting a baby.”
“Okay,” she said with slits for eyes.
She intently listened to me tell her all about the day Mr. Camm raped me, leaving out the details that were too painful to mention. Then she took her handkerchief and dotted her face, bent over in the rocker, grabbed my chin and stared into my eyes. “Ain’t nothing to be sorry ’bout, unless you ain’t telling the truth now.”
Ginny had seen many a young girl in her day, violated by white men, colored men, fathers, and boyfriends. She’d always been a strong woman. She could remember taking a frying pan to a couple of heads in her day. What she didn’t understand was why women today were still resigned to serve in the role of victims.
“Don’t ya know that when shit happens, ev’rybody says it ain’t their fault. Whose fault is it then?”
“I didn’t want it to happen.”
“Uh-huh, you got to learn to fight fo’ yo’self. Don’t take no shit. If you can’t whip ’em, tell som’body. If ya scared, tell som’body. It’s folks badder than Mr. Camm,” she said, sipping her glass of ice water.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I ought to get my shotgun and blow his head off my damn self. That nigga reminds me of John Robert,” she said, shaking her head. Then she told me the whole story:
“He was built like a ho’se, and folks always told me I had pretty legs. And I must admit I had budding breasts and a good build. He’d called me ’sweet-thang’ for as long as I could ’member. I didn’t mind at furst, ’cause he was a boy. But one Thu’sday, since I’s be the oldest, I fixed peas, rice and biscuits. Ev’rybody else was wo’kin’ in the field. John Robert kno
cked on the door. Momma tole me to don’t let folks in while they’s wo’kin’. John Robert pushed his way in and started to get the best of me. He was strong but he didn’t get far ’nough to put his self on me. I grabbed the butcher knife and carved a hole in ’im. He ain’t die, though,” she said. Then added, “Ain’t no man gonna take advantage of me.”
Ginny touched my arm. “I told ya to watch him. Ev’rybody been wondering why Mae Lou married him. He ain’t no good and never has been no good.”
“I didn’t tell Momma. I couldn’t. She probably wouldn’t believe me no way.”
“That’s all right, som’body else ought to wake her up. Do you wants the baby?”
“No, ma’am.”
I started shaking my leg. It was a habit I took up whenever I was nervous. The fierce sun was beaming directly down on my back, making me hot.
“What do you plan to do? If ya don’t want it, are ya gonna give it up to somebody else to raise?” Before I answered, I reminded myself of the trip that I had taken earlier to Ginny’s with Hester. She was supposed to have the answer. That’s what Hester thought.
“I don’t want this baby. I can’t take care of his baby. I want to get rid of it,” I said, worried and waiting for her comment.
“Listen here, chile. You need to give the baby to someone who want one. Don’t get rid of yo’ baby.” Ginny’s hazel-brown eyes narrowed when she spoke. “There are some thangs you don’t do.”
I was confused because I’d thought she was the lady Hester had told me about. Trying hard not to hurt her feelings, I asked her, “Are you the lady that gets rid of babies?”
She stopped rocking and regarded me with cold eyes. “There are thangs you don’t need to know ’bout. I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I’m gonna try to live right for the remaining of my time here on Earth.” She scowled. “You sho’ got some damn nerve.”
“Ginny, I am sorry!”
She saw how upset I was. My moods were strong enough to move the sun from behind the clouds. “That’s quite all right,” she said calmly. “Say, was that you up yonder I saw earlier in a buggy out in front of the house?”
I confessed that I’d wanted to get rid of the baby, but I couldn’t come to her with Hester, so we’d turned around and left. At the time I felt as if there was no way I could ask her to help me after I had lied about being pregnant.
“Chile, pay close ’tention to what I am ’bout to say. I want you to thank ’bout all of this with a clean heart. ’Member yo’ momma gave you away. She could have gotten rid of you but she didn’t. Minnie was in the same sit’ation that you are in, a long time ago. She wasn’t raped, though. She chose to keep you in spite of the peoples around her. I know what happened is wrong, but keep yo’ baby.”
Ginny told me that she understood, but knew that if she performed the procedure, she’d end up regretting it like so many other young girls that she had serviced. That is why she’d stopped. She had started doing it back in her twenties because she always hated it when a young girl would be expecting and wasn’t married, how most of the townspeople would gossip and whisper. They would condemn the girls to shame. When the children grew up, they’d be treated differently, too, because they didn’t have a daddy. Then she realized that she wasn’t God and couldn’t save the young girls, so she asked for forgiveness and quit. But in spite of her efforts, the girls, once they became women, would eventually blame her for what they asked her to do in the first place.
“That baby is gonna bring you some good blessings one day.” Clearing her throat, she added, “I know this is not what ya want to hear but I’m telling you, it’s the best for you. God will punish that no-good piece of shit in due time.”
“Did you hear me? I don’t want this baby.”
“Calm down, gurl. You’s a woman now, be strong. Now, you know Mae Lou gonna come undone ’bout this. If you needs a place to stay, my house is yours. I got a room in the back, been empty since the chirren left.”
I got up and hugged Ginny for the kind offer and dusted off my dress. “I don’t know what I’ll do; I’ve got to think about it. Right now, I wish that I could die.”
“Ev’rybody done dealt with hard times. None of this is yo’ fault. If you needs me to talk to Mae Lou, let me know. Now, hold yo’self together. This ain’t the end of the world.”
CHAPTER 27
PEARL
The Christmas holiday was only days away and the Northern wind had swept in chilly temperatures, causing people to migrate indoors and hover around their fireplaces. Outside, the snow clouds remained high. The moist smell of the earth drifted through the air. Willie was gone. He had caught the one o’clock train to Washington, D.C., to retrieve some of the things he swore he’d left behind. When I learned he would be staying overnight, I fought the wind and dodged through the bare trees to see Herman one last time.
Autumn had come and gone. I’d seen Herman a lot less, mindful of what Momma had said to me. Yet, I hadn’t stopped altogether. In a strange way, I felt as if he needed me.
Jake, the bartender, had come to me the last time I was at the club. “Herman is drinking a lot. Something strange is going on with him, Miz Pearl.”
I was worried, but I knew the story all too well, so I didn’t respond.
“He acting like a complete fool. Yeah, he crazy,” Jake said, wiping down the bar as if he’d said too much. “I don’t care for the man, Miz Pearl. Don’t tell him I told you. He is a crazy son of a bitch.”
“I won’t,” I said, and tapped his shoulder to assure him.
When Herman finally stumbled into the joint, I hardly recognized him. His skin was dull, and growing on his face was a wiry beard that almost covered his lips completely. His eyes were pink from drinking, and he was moving like an unbalanced toddler. My desire to hold him in my arms and make passionate love diminished in an instant. All I wanted to do was care for him, get inside his head and make it all better.
It was warm in the joint. I took off my coat and hung it on the back of the chair. The potbelly cast iron stove was filled with wood and was shooting sparks of fire out to the flue. I put my arms around Herman. “What’s wrong with you?” I asked. “You don’t seem yourself.”
He peered at me as if he had seen a ghost. “Where’s your big, bad-ass husband?” Beads of sweat dripped down the side of his face. He pulled a handkerchief from his side pocket and patted his forehead.
“He’s out of town. We don’t have to worry about him.”
“You sure big Willie’s gone?” he asked, his speech slurred. “That motherfucker threatened me, said he gonna kill me if I don’t leave you alone.”
“Herman, Willie’s out of town, I told you.”
He gazed at me and sucked his teeth. “Well, he was here last night at the joint. Sat right where you are and told me your ass done confessed to him about us. What the hell were you thinking, girl?”
I drew back, shocked. “I didn’t tell Willie anything. You sure he came in here?”
“Hell, can’t you hear, woman? He was sitting right there.” He pointed at a seat just beyond me. “He said he was gonna make sure Mae Lou found out, too. That nigger is stone crazy.”
The heat was starting to get to me. “Can I have some water, please?” I asked Jake, who was pretending to be busy while listening to our entire conversation.
Jake dipped out a glass of water from the pail of water he’d gathered from the well out back while I had been waiting for Herman.
I said, “Willie told me he had some business in Washington, D.C.”
“That nigger’s around here. He’s probably watching us right now.”
“He left, I tell you. He won’t be back until tomorrow.”
He gazed at me with rage in his eyes. “I got something for his ass if he threatens me one mo’ time.”
That didn’t sound good. Herman wasn’t a natural fighter. He was a gambler, a smooth man that understood women better than most. But he was streetwise as well, and used to handling business.
“I’ll take care of it. He was just talking,” I said, knowing Willie had a bad-ass temper.
“You can’t talk to a fool. He caught me off guard. Stood in my face and insulted me and my wife.”
“Your wife…”
He glanced over at me. “Yeah, I told you he said he gonna go and tell Mae Lou. Then he had the nerve to say that a good woman like Mae Lou deserves a man like him, somebody who will take care of her.”
I pulled out my compact, took out my powder puff and blotted my nose. “I can’t believe this. None of it makes any sense.”
“I tell you this: if he goes anywhere near Mae Lou, I’m gonna kill him.”
“He was just talking,” I assured him. “He’s upset about us. I’m going to come clean, leave him, and then we can be together with no problems.”
He gazed at me in discontent, head wobbling. “Pearl, you are a beautiful lady. I enjoy spending time with ya, but I need someone to cook and take care of me.”
I cringed. “What are you saying?”
“Pearl, you are not the type of woman that wants to settle down. Your heart is in the nightclub. You like the lights and glitter. You want to be like Bessie Smith and that old Ma Rainey. One man can’t please you.”
“I love you,” I pleaded. “I thought what we share is special.”
“I love you, too, but you are not the only one.” His eyes clouded over, and a strange tone came into his voice. “There’s this young girl…”
“You bastard,” I said.
With the stench of liquor on his breath, he slurred, “I thought you knew me, girl.”
I was quick to come back. “Knew what? That you are a drunk with a thing for young girls?”
“Naw,” he interrupted, laughing, “that I like how you make me feel in bed…grinding them big hips up against me, making me feel real good.” He tooted his lips to kiss me.
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