She smacked his shoulder with the pamphlet she was carrying and shushed him with a smile. Not that John didn’t like museums, he enjoyed the art, but his legs were killing him. Up early every morning, they had spent the last three days traipsing around Albuquerque at breakneck speed. It was like Desi never expected to visit again and was determined to see everything it had to offer in this one trip. John just wanted to sit down and take a break.
“Oooh, come on guys, you’re going to love the next exhibit,” Desi said as she dragged Jake down the hall after her. Despite Jake’s apparent fitness, he was flagging, too. So much for being able to keep up with her.
“Are we seriously going to go like this for another four days?” John asked when Desi disappeared around the corner. “The museums and galleries are great, but I could use a break. We should go watch a movie. Something that doesn’t require any more walking.”
“You big baby,” Gretchen said. Pressing up against John, she looped her arms around his neck and held onto him. He appreciated the hug, but the way she hung, John suspected she was trying to take some of the weight off her legs. He squeezed her and lifted her up off the ground a little. She smiled, and said, “A movie does sound nice.”
“Maybe if we all gang up on her we can get Desi to give us a break. Jake looks like he’s about to drop,” John said.
Gretchen giggled. “He does, doesn’t he? I think he underestimated Desi’s endurance.”
“I bet he breaks up with her when we get back.”
“John…” Gretchen said, smacking him on the shoulder, “that’s not very nice.”
“I’m kidding. Jake really seems to like her. And he’s a nice guy,” he said. “They seem happy together, when Desi’s not dragging him around museums, that is.”
Shaking her head, Gretchen glanced at the corner Desi and Jake had disappeared around. “They do.”
Desi looked back and saw John and Gretchen then and started waving them over. As the art teacher at the high school, Desi was in heaven spending the week gazing at her favorite artists. Every exhibit they stopped at, the group got another lesson from Desi. It was pretty interesting at first, but by day three, a lot of what she said started to sound like she was just repeating herself.
Trudging up behind Desi and Jake, John didn’t look at the exhibit immediately. Instead, he walked over to Jake and was about to recruit him to join the coup against Desi in favor of seeing a movie when the bright colors of one of the paintings caught his eye. Interested, he looked up and stared at the swirling design.
Its abstract strokes and vague outlines immediately registered with him. Something about the painting seemed familiar. The placard next to the painting named the artist as Sue Ann Mika, a local painter. The name held nothing for him. John didn’t recognize it. There was something about the painting, though. The soft pastel colors slid across the canvas, pulling him into it, until suddenly it was replaced by a whole other painting.
In the time it took to blink, John was somewhere else. The bright, textured walls of the gallery in Albuquerque had morphed into smooth, pale blue holding a uniform row of paintings. They were similar to the Mika paintings in their abstract use of color and shape, but at the same time they were nothing alike. This painting had deep, pulsing colors as opposed to the light, whimsical expressions in the Mika painting. The connection John had felt in the Albuquerque gallery was multiplied tenfold as he stared at this new painting.
Entranced with the image, John jumped in surprise when he felt someone touch his arm. He could feel a hand slip around his arm and link with his. The touch felt so familiar, so natural, John couldn’t help but look over to see who it belonged to. Halfway through the motion, though, his eyes closed. Fear held him. He knew who he would see.
His eyes struggled to open, even despite his desire to keep her hidden from view. He lost the battle and found himself staring down into her dark eyes. She looked up at him silently. Serene. That was how he would describe her. Standing there in the phantom gallery which had once been lost in his mind, John knew this woman loved him. He felt her pleasure at sharing the moment with him. She had no name or place in time for him but, in that brief moment, she had John’s heart.
The warmth of her skin against his made John forget everything else. There was no gallery in Albuquerque, there was only her and the moment they shared. They lingered there, on Memory’s edge, until John’s waking thoughts crept back into his mind. Where was this woman? Why had she abandoned him? That moment, it was one a person would keep forever and treasure. It was obviously important enough to his mind that it was revived when so many others weren’t. Why wasn’t that true for her as well?
If she had truly loved John, she would have found him.
John blinked back his frustration and everything disappeared.
Another blink of his eyes and John was back in Albuquerque, staring at the hidden image of a woman reclining amidst a wash of soothing colors. Sound returned next and he heard Desi telling everyone about the materials the artist used in her work. Everything should have felt right again, but he couldn’t seem to find any warmth in the room. His skin tingled in the chill even though it was the middle of a desert summer.
“Hey, you,” came a voice. Then hands wrapped around his waist. Warmth and sensation finally returned as John glanced behind his shoulder at Gretchen. “You like the painting?” she asked.
“Yeah, it’s, uh, I don’t know. It just kind of grabbed me when I looked at it,” he said. That was basically what happened, if not in the way Gretchen probably imagined. Actually, John really wanted to stop looking at the painting now, not because he didn’t like it, but because it was threatening to pull him back into memories he did not want to face.
“I love the colors she used. I feel very peaceful when I look at it,” Gretchen said.
“Yeah, me too. Hey, where’d Desi go?” he asked. John really wanted to get away from the exhibit. He felt bad because he really did think the paintings were beautiful, but he couldn’t risk looking at them any longer. If he zoned out again in front of Gretchen, she would know something was wrong, and he was still determined not to let her find out about the memories.
“She and Jake moved on to the next exhibit. You really seemed to be into that Mika painting so she didn’t bug us to follow.” Gretchen looked up at John, a small frown on her lips. “Are you doing okay? If you’re too tired we can just head back to the hotel. Maybe go swimming.”
“You’d actually let me see you in your swimsuit?” he asked, glad for the change in topic. Hopefully she would forget about the first question she had asked.
“Maybe,” Gretchen said nervously.
It had been an interesting three days as far as the hotel situation went. Gretchen had not only avoided going swimming so far, she had also managed to make the sleeping arrangement problem a non-issue. The first night she and Desi went shopping downtown that evening, leaving Jake and John to hang out together, and didn’t get back until John was already half asleep in bed. The next night they went to a concert at Pope Joy Hall and Gretchen fell asleep in the car on the way back to the hotel.
There was the possibility that those two things had just been coincidences, but John had the feeling she and Desi had planned late night outings on purpose. It bothered him that Gretchen didn’t seem to trust him not to try something with her if she didn’t want him to. He just had to keep reminding himself of what she was trying to overcome to keep from getting too annoyed with her. She was trying.
As they made their way to the last exhibit, John felt a sudden determination to prove to Gretchen that she could trust him completely. Maybe it was the remnant of that memory, but John needed to know Gretchen wouldn’t forget him as easily as the memory woman had. John didn’t want to become a simple memory for Gretchen.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
The Same Chance
“Desi, I can’t go out in public wearing this,” Gretchen complained.
Rolling her eyes for what had to be the hu
ndredth time, Desi went back to getting her own swimsuit on. “Gretchen, you look great. Quit whining about it,” she said. “Besides, it’s not like John hasn’t already seen more than that anyway, right?” Eyebrows raised in a hopeful question, Desi waited for her friend to respond.
Gretchen purposely made a point of not discussing sex with Desi. She was confident and adventurous, everything Gretchen wasn't when it came to sex. Steve did a good job of making sure of that. Knowing it was stupid to keep letting his skewed opinions of her rule her life didn’t really help her ignore them. Two years of his veiled insults were hard to forget.
“Are you seriously not going to answer me?” Desi asked. The exasperation in her voice was laughable.
Sighing, Gretchen decided to quit hiding from her. “No, Desi, he hasn’t. Okay? Are you happy? John has not seen me naked and I am incredibly nervous about him seeing me in this.”
“You guys have been living together for what, almost five months now, and you haven’t had sex?” Desi asked. “What is wrong with you two?”
“There’s nothing wrong with us, Desi. Not everybody is a free as you are. Some people believe in waiting.”
“John doesn’t believe in waiting. If he’s waiting, it’s because of you. It has to be. What else is he going to go off of?” Desi asked.
“So what? That means he respects my choices. I’m not ready,” Gretchen admitted.
“Why not?” Desi asked. “And if you say Steve, I’m going to throw you into the hallway without your bikini. You can’t use Steve as a crutch for the rest of your life, Gretchen. You have to get over it.”
“It’s not just Steve. It’s John, too.”
Tying her hair up into a bun, Desi turned to consider Gretchen. “What do you mean?” she asked. “John doesn’t treat you like Steve. At least it doesn’t seem that way.” Gretchen could see the questions and concerns forming in her eyes.
“No, Desi, that’s not what I mean.” Gretchen wasn’t even sure she knew what she meant. “There’s still a chance that John will get his memory back. So far he hasn’t said anything about remembering things, but there are times when he gets really quiet, like he isn’t there anymore. I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking about.
“He says he’s given up on ever finding out who he used to be, and he gets mad every time I bring it up now, but can someone really ever give up on something like that? I think he still misses the people he used to know. And sometimes he seems angry at them for not finding him. It makes me afraid to take things any further with him.”
“Gretchen, it’s probably going to take John a long time to truly let go of his past, but that doesn’t mean he should have to wait for his future,” Desi said. Crossing the room, she hugged Gretchen. “Look, I’m not saying you should sleep with him tonight, that’s for the two of you to decide, but I think you’re just going to push him away if he feels like he has to prove he has no interest in who he was.”
Grabbing a pair of towels off the bed, Desi handed one to Gretchen. “You can’t expect John to totally dismiss his feelings about his old life when you can’t do the same thing when it comes to Steve. John’s a good guy. The fact that he hasn’t pressured you shows he respects your feelings. You need to give him the same chance.”
Leaving it at that, Desi opened the door and stepped out, her towel over her arm as she walked confidently down the hall in her bikini and flip flops. Gretchen carried her friend’s words with her as she wrapped her towel around her body and scurried after her. For all Desi’s brazen attitudes, she was still an artist at heart, deep and thoughtful…and probably right.
***
Peeking through the glass door that led out to the pool, Gretchen saw Jake and John sitting at one of the tables. They appeared to be getting along pretty well despite the fact that they had almost nothing in common. Maybe Jake would keep John distracted long enough for her to get in the pool without him really seeing her bare skin.
“Out you go, Gigi-girl,” Desi said as she pushed Gretchen through the door. Desi knew how much Gretchen hated that name, but she just smiled winningly as she glided past her friend. She immediately caught Jake’s attention who took Desi in with a playful grin. To John’s credit, he immediately turned to look for Gretchen.
Tossing her towel down on the lounge chair next to the pool, Desi didn’t see Jake creep out of his chair and sneak up behind her. In one smooth motion, Jake swept her into his arms and cannon-balled into the pool. Desi screeched as they flew, but came up laughing. Gretchen shook her head at them and noticed John walking over to her.
Gretchen’s heart leapt into her throat as he approached. She still had her towel wrapped tightly around her body, but he didn’t comment on it. “So,” he said, “do you want me to throw you in, too?”
“I think I’ll pass,” she said.
John grinned. “Thank goodness. I don’t think I could manage anything as spectacular as that. Jake is a maniac.”
“He’s probably just got a lot of pent up energy after spending all day in museums and art galleries,” Gretchen said.
“What about you?” John asked. “Are you going to get in the pool or just stand her in your towel all night?”
Gretchen closed her eyes. It was finally that time. Those last two years of college when she was with Steve, she had worked out at the gym every day to keep him happy, but it was never enough. Every time she put on a swimming suit he had a few suggestions on what she should work on a little harder at the gym. John wasn't Steve. Opening her eyes, Gretchen nodded that she was ready, but she couldn’t seem to get her fingers to undo the towel.
John made it a little easier. Running his finger across the top of her towel, he found the spot where Gretchen had tucked in the corner to keep it tight. His fingers touched her bare skin as he untucked the corner, making her shiver in the warm summer air. John paused for a second then let the towel fall away from her as his hands slid down to her waist.
Gretchen couldn’t help it, her eyes closed in fear of seeing the same look of disappointment Steve had always worn. Trailing an icy tingle, John’s fingers moved down to Gretchen’s hips and pulled her against him. He leaned closer to Gretchen and whispered, “You look beautiful.”
His cheek brushed against her face as he brought his lips to hers. His kiss was soft and tender in the face of how tightly he was holding her. Looking up at him, Gretchen met his eyes and saw nothing of Steve in them. Love and desire filled him and washed over onto her. Gretchen would have preferred to give up on swimming and just stay in his arms, but a massive splash from Desi and Jake eventually broke them up and got them into the pool.
When they finally exhausted themselves, Gretchen had no more suggestions to do something else to keep her from having to face getting ready for bed with John. She simply let him lead her back to their room knowing she had to trust him. It was quiet as they both brushed their teeth and changed. Silence filled every square inch when she laid down in bed and felt John slip in next to her. One arm slid under Gretchen’s head and the other wrapped around her waist, pulling her body tight against his. Then he held her, and let her fall asleep in his arms.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Surprises
Neither of them really had the chance to notice when the high desert winds grew colder. It was one small change in the midst of their busy lives. A week into the new school year, one of Gretchen’s coworkers was diagnosed with cancer, leaving the rest of the staff to take over as much of her duties as they could. Gretchen was asked to lead her Gifted class two evenings a week, as well as take on mentoring a few of the at-risk students she had been working with. Barely making it through the first semester had Gretchen hoping the next one would be better.
All of that added to John’s growing catering business, which kept him busy most weekends, gave the two of them little time for anything else. John’s business was legally registered under Gretchen’s name since he couldn’t get a business license on his own, but she had virtually nothing to do with i
t aside from taste-testing his recipes. Which she loved doing.
The holidays flew past, barely giving them any break at all. Thanksgiving and Christmas gave Gretchen some time off, but John was twice as busy. They spent Thanksgiving with Carl, Desi, and Jake, but managed to sneak away for a few days to spend Christmas with her family. Even Millie and her husband made the trip home to meet John. It felt good to go back to her little hometown outside of Denver, but it didn’t feel like home to Gretchen anymore. Home was in New Mexico with John.
Along with the changes in their jobs, their relationship had been changing as well. Gretchen found herself thinking less and less about how Steve used to treat her and more about what she and John would be doing over the next few years. The topic of John’s past rarely came up anymore, but she still found him sitting quietly, thinking about…something, often enough. She didn’t know what to make of his occasional silences, but she trusted that in time he would either tell her what was bothering him or work through his thoughts on his own.
Finishing the front yard before school started was a feat that forced John to swallow his pride and ask Carl for help, but they had put on the finishing touches just in time. They already had plans for redoing the landscaping in the backyard when summer arrived. The den had turned into John’s office and was filled with carefully organized stacks of cookbooks containing his recipes. The spiral notebook Gretchen had given him in the hospital sat in the middle of his desk. It was completely filled with recipes, but it seemed to hold a place of honor there. John’s bedroom slowly became simply a place for his clothes as he spent more nights with Gretchen.
One thing that hadn’t changed between them, though, was sex. While Gretchen grew more comfortable with the idea as she put aside her insecurities, John continued to hold back. When they kissed, she could see the desire in his eyes, feel it emanating from him, but he always pulled back before things went very far. Gretchen had considered asking him if something was wrong a hundred times, but she never seemed to be able to get the words out.
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