In a way, it really was a reward. John deserved to find his family. Losing him like they did would have torn Gretchen apart. A year spent worrying about whether he was dead or alive, she couldn’t imagine a worse form of torture. And the children, living for a year without their father. Their exuberant faces told everyone in the room exactly how much they had missed having him in their lives.
John had warned Gretchen, but would she really have stopped him from coming even if she had believed him?
After Steve, the hurt spiraled quickly into shame and depression. Gretchen was convinced she would be broken forever, it hurt so badly. This was nothing like that. Her entire body was wracked with twisting anguish from the inside out, but it was different. The pain was ten times worse than it had been after Steve, but it was a new kind of pain. She hadn’t been betrayed this time. She had just lost. The difference that made was astounding.
Steve took away Gretchen’s love and belief in herself, and tossed her aside. Even though Corey had walked into the studio intent on finding her husband, she wasn't taking anything away from Gretchen. Gretchen was giving something up. Maybe if it had just been Corey who’d showed up looking for the man Gretchen loved, she would have been willing to fight for him. Yes, he still would have been married, but he was hardly the same person he was before. Even then, Gretchen might not have been able to put another woman through losing someone as amazing as John.
But Corey hadn’t shown up alone. Michael and Sasha had come too, bouncing with joy at the thought of having their father back. Even little Sasha, who would have been too small to really even understand that her daddy was gone, hung on John with such pure happiness Gretchen knew Corey had kept John alive in their hearts the whole time he was gone. She hadn’t given up on him, and neither had his children. They wanted him back as desperately as Gretchen wanted to keep him. Faced with a wife and two children, Gretchen knew she was the one who had to give in. Every moment spent with John after meeting them would only be torture knowing what she had pulled him away from.
Anne had been talking to the others for a few minutes already, but one question brought Gretchen out of her thoughts.
“What are you going to do now?” she asked John. “You’re sitting here with your children on your lap and the two women you love on either side of you. What comes next?”
Everyone looked to John for an answer, but Gretchen knew he wasn't the right person to give it.
“He’s going to go home with his wife and children,” she said.
They all turned to stare at Gretchen. She wouldn’t have been surprised to hear they had completely forgotten she was there. Anne raised an inquisitive eyebrow. Corey looked as though she were about to faint, which she probably was, but John echoed Gretchen’s pain.
“Gretchen,” he whispered. “Please.”
His face begged her not to give up so quickly. He still loved her, even sitting with his family, even holding his wife’s hand. That knowledge took away the harsh edge of the pain radiating through Gretchen’s body. She would always treasure his love for her, but she couldn’t claim it anymore. He loved them both, but he could only keep one of them.
“You have to go, John. There’s nothing else to do now,” Gretchen said.
Passing his daughter off to his wife, John slid next to Gretchen and took her hands in his. Corey stiffened at the gesture, but gave John the space he needed.
Touching his head against hers, he held Gretchen in that simple embrace. She could feel his labored breaths wash across her face, and part of her was relieved to know it was as hard for him as it was for her. Slowly, Gretchen pulled away from him and held his face in her hands.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Gretchen. I don’t want to leave you,” John said.
“But you don’t want to leave them either,” she said.
“No. I can’t do that either.” His chin shook in her hands. The tears finally broke free. “I love you, Gretchen.”
He truly did. “I love you too, John. And I’ll never forget you, ever, but I have to say goodbye now.”
Gretchen’s hands fell away from his face and she stood. Nobody moved to stop her from leaving as she walked off the set. Managing to keep her composure long enough to make it to the hall, Gretchen lost it when she passed out of view. Her clicking heels sounded like thunder as she ran down the hall. The green room where they had waited stood open and she ran in. Pushing the door closed behind her with her back, Gretchen slid down the door and sobbed.
***
Anne wrapped up the interview, but John didn’t hear anything she said. The image of Gretchen walking away from him blocked out everything else. Knowing Gretchen was right didn’t stop the overwhelming flood of pain crashing into him. He couldn’t leave his family. Not only would it have been incredibly wrong to leave them, he didn’t want to give them up. He had already missed so much of his children’s lives. He had lost so much time with Corey, too. Faint lines around her eyes that didn’t used to be there told the story of how hard the past year had been on her.
John wanted to erase Corey’s pain, but at the same time he would never give up the memories he had of his time with Gretchen. Gretchen was as much a part of him as Corey and the kids ever were. How could he give her up? There was no other choice, though.
“Daddy, why are you crying?” Michael asked. “Aren’t you happy we found you?”
Wiping away tears John hadn’t noticed until Michael pointed them out, he picked up his son and set him in his lap. He was so much bigger than he remembered. There was a seriousness to him that had never been there before. “Of course I’m happy you found me, buddy. I missed you so much, and Sasha and Mommy, too,” he said.
“Then why are you crying?” he asked.
Corey took Michael off John’s lap and hugged him. “Daddy misses his friend, Michael. It makes him sad that his friend left, just like we were sad when Daddy left.”
“Is his friend missing, too?” Michael asked.
Corey smiled, though the corner of her mouth was tucked between her teeth. John knew she was biting her cheek to help keep herself from crying. It had to be killing her even more to see John hurting so much as he watched Gretchen leave. He had already put her through so much, and he wanted to spare her anymore pain, but John couldn’t forget Gretchen that easily, even for Corey.
“Daddy’s friend just had to go back to her home. She isn’t missing,” Corey finally said.
Approaching quietly, a young woman knelt down beside Corey. “Hi, my name’s Beth. We have a playroom down the hall,” she said. “Would you like me to take Michael and Sasha to play for a while?”
Relief slackened Corey’s shoulders. “That would be wonderful. Thank you.”
Michael and Sasha towed Beth away, excited at the prospect of toys. Corey and John watched them go. The rest of the set was thankfully empty. In the silence, the weight of everything that had just happened crushed John into the couch. He sank down under the pressure and closed his eyes against another round of tears. Even the joy of finding his wife and children wasn't enough to dull the pain of losing Gretchen. He wasn't sure that pain would ever leave him completely. He didn’t really want it to.
“Are you okay, Alex?” Corey asked.
John opened his eyes to see her looking at him with concern in her expression. “It’s going to take some getting used to being called Alex again,” he said. Alex. He had his name back. He had his old life back. Was it wrong for him to not want to give up the new life he had found quite so fast? There was so much good in that life, too. Was John gone forever?
“I…” Corey started. Her lip trembling, she looked away from him. Seeing her so upset brought another wave of pain to John’s battered heart. Bringing her close to him, John held her against his chest as he stroked her hair. He had missed her so much. Even without knowing who she was or whether she still loved him, his heart had yearned for her.
“Did I do the right thing?” Corey asked.
“What do you mean?” h
e asked.
“You were happy with her,” she said. “You loved her.”
She said “loved her”, like it was already over. He still loved Gretchen. Corey didn’t need to hear that. Swallowing his own pain, he tried to lessen hers. “I was happy with Gretchen, and I did love her,” he said, pausing when Corey sucked in a quick breath, “but there was still something missing. I had given up hope of anyone ever finding me, but I knew at least at one point someone in this world had loved me.”
Corey closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Are you sure this is what you want?” she asked.
Was he sure? Yes. Did that make it any easier? Not at all.
“Yes,” he said. “I want to go home with you and the kids.”
“But you still love Gretchen.”
She needed to know and he couldn’t lie to her. “Yes, I still love her.”
“How can you just give her up then?” Corey asked.
John thought what she really wanted to know was whether or not he was going to be able to give himself back over to her, or if he was secretly going to be wishing he were back with Gretchen the whole time. Fear and disappointment had probably been her life for the past year. John couldn’t blame her for asking, but he wasn't sure he knew how to explain why that wouldn’t happen. He didn’t know himself. He only knew that as hard as it was to watch Gretchen walk away, he would let her go and never regret his choice.
“Gretchen saved my life. She took me in when I had no one, and she gave me a new life. I’ll love her for that for the rest of my life,” he said, “but we both knew from the beginning that everything we had together could end the second my old life caught back up to me. Maybe we were both secretly prepared for that to happen.”
Corey nodded, but she didn’t look convinced. She had probably just spent a year of her life having people doubt her husband would ever come back to her. Hesitating now made sense. She was strong enough to survive John’s disappearance, but after having been through so much it would be hard to open her heart back up if she thought it was going to be destroyed again.
“Corey, I gave you my heart my heart ten years ago in the middle of a snowstorm when we were twenty years old. And even though I disappeared, you never really lost it. Gretchen was just taking care of it for a while,” John said. “I can’t promise you that after today I won’t think of Gretchen or my time with her again, but I can promise you I will never leave you again, not for Gretchen, not for anything. I’m so sorry I put you through all of this. Can you ever forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive, Alex. I never thought I would see you again. I thought you were dead,” she said. “Even if it means I’ll have to share your heart with another woman for the rest of my life, it’s worth it to have you back. I love you so much.”
“I love you too, Corey,” he said. “And I’m glad you found me.”
Chapter Fifty-Four
Worth It
The trip home was long and horrible. Gretchen cried nearly the entire way. It took the flight attendants on the flight from New York to Dallas a good hour before they stopped asking her what was wrong and whether she needed anything. It only took the flight attendants on the flight from Dallas to Albuquerque about five minutes. One of them had watched the Today Show that morning and knew who Gretchen was. She kindly ushered Gretchen to an empty seat in first class and brought her a pillow and blanket along with a box of tissues.
The last leg of the flight back home was aboard a tiny plane that had only one flight attendant who stayed in her seat the entire thirty minute flight. There were only a handful of other passengers on the plane, and they all left Gretchen alone. She was grateful for their lack of concern.
Climbing down the steps and onto the tarmac, the dry, cool air of the high desert hit Gretchen and told her she was home. The day had started out so wonderfully, and ended so horribly, but at least she was home. Gretchen paused a few steps from the airplane and thought about that word, home. New Mexico had been her home before ever meeting John, but it felt different without him. The idea of walking into an empty house still filled with his recipes, clothes, and memories was torturous.
But Gretchen kept walking.
Reaching into her pocket for her cell phone, she turned it on and saw another seven missed calls from Desi and three from her parents. That was only in the last two hours. Combined, Gretchen had thirty missed calls from people wanting to check on her. She didn’t want to talk to any of them yet. Her mom probably thought she was slipping back into the crippling depression she had experienced after Steve. She was undoubtedly convinced she was going to call her any moment and tell her she was coming home to sleep on their couch.
Yes, Gretchen wanted to crawl into bed for a few days and eat her weight in chocolate, but she wouldn’t self-destruct again. In the morning, she would call Desi and her mom and do her best to convince them she was still sane, but for the time being Gretchen wanted to be left alone. Pulling out the handle of her carryon, Gretchen started across the tarmac toward the airport, wishing the building was big enough for a covered terminal entrance.
A gust of wind knocked against her and almost tore the wrinkled envelope she had been crushing all day from her hand. Gretchen briefly contemplated letting the wind take it, but she couldn’t bear to let it go. Pressing it against her chest, Gretchen ducked her head and hurried toward the door of the airport.
The wind faded away as the door closed behind her. Staring past the four rows of hard plastic chairs in the terminal, she saw the doors leading out to the parking lot. Her car was out there somewhere. As Gretchen thought about actually getting into it and driving home, the more appealing the uncomfortable chairs looked to her. She wondered whether anyone would come and tell her to leave if she decided to just sit there for a while.
Filled with wedding plans and bits of centerpieces, her house was the last place she wanted to be. She had given John up willingly, but that didn’t erase the pain of losing him. Gretchen didn’t think she could stand facing her house quite yet. She needed someone to take her hand and show her how to survive this, but she had the lost the only person who could do that.
“Gretchen,” a voice said quietly.
Or maybe she hadn’t.
Looking up, Gretchen found the voice and managed to smile for the first time since the interview. “Carl, what are you doing here?” she asked.
He stood a few feet away from Gretchen, watching her. “I thought you might need a ride home.”
“My car’s right outside, though. You didn’t have to come.”
Carl smiled and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I know, but I didn’t think you should be driving after the day you’ve had. I thought you might need a friend.”
“So you watched the interview, huh?” She’d been hoping he’d been at work all day, but it wouldn’t surprise her to hear he had taken the day off just to watch it.
“Didn’t go quite the way you thought it would, I’m guessing,” Carl said.
“Not at all,” Gretchen whispered as the tears began to fall again.
That was as much as Carl could take. Closing the distance between them in two big steps, he swallowed her in a massive hug, squeezing away some of the pain with his compassion. Gretchen’s tears soaked the front of his shirt as he held her, and as they did they drew away some of her heartache. Why had she ever thought she would have to make it through this on her own?
“Let me take you home,” Carl said.
Gretchen sniffed and looked up at him. “I don’t want to go home, Carl. Not yet. I don’t think I can face it.”
Taking Gretchen’s bags from her, Carl took her hand, and said, “I made up my guest bedroom just in case you felt like that. You can stay as long as you need to.”
She leaned against him as they walked to his car. It was more than his size that supported her. His love and unquestioning friendship did more for Gretchen than anything else. She climbed into his truck and settled into the seat, still clutching the white envelope
. Carl let her sit quietly as they drove, but he kept a firm grip on her hand. That would have bothered her once, but at that moment she had no desire to take her hand away.
Gretchen was huddled up on Carl’s couch before he finally let go of her, but he didn’t go far. Sitting down next to her, he pulled Gretchen into his arms and let his calming warmth soothe her spirit. For a while they just sat there. Eventually, though, Carl broke the silence.
“What’s that?” he asked, gesturing at the envelope.
She held it for a second more before handing it over to Carl. He watched Gretchen carefully as he opened the envelope and took out the single sheet of stationary. His eyes moved back and forth as he read it, but Gretchen didn’t need the letter to know what it said anymore. She had memorized it hours ago.
Gretchen,
I think I must be the only other woman in the world who knows what you’re feeling right now. When Alex disappeared last year, my heart broke. I hoped he was okay, but I feared he was dead. Knowing now that he had you to take care of him, and love him, gives me comfort.
It’s difficult to accept that the man I’ve loved for so long could fall in love with someone else, but seeing you, I can understand why he did. I only met you for a few brief minutes, but I could see the compassion and kindness in you.
Thank you so much for taking care of Alex when I couldn’t. I promise to do the same for you.
I wish you every happiness, Gretchen, and thank you from the depths of my heart for returning mine to me.
Sincerely,
Corey Turner
Carl refolded the letter and slipped it back into the envelope. “She sounds like a nice woman,” he said.
“She is,” Gretchen agreed tearfully.
Memory's Edge: Part One Page 28
