I get up to leave, taking one last look at my reflection. My eye catches the portrait of Mom, it’s the only one we have of her in the house. She is smiling up at me from where she’s sitting in a rocking chair, holding me as a baby. I take the portrait out and tuck it gently in my shirt’s pocket. At least this way she’ll be close to me today.
On my way out I glance through our living room. We never changed it after Mom was chosen, except for the glofish Dad brought home from work for my nineteenth birthday. They swim around aimlessly in their small tank. Every night I watch them as darkness sets in, their colors shining brilliantly. When they swim together and their colors blur, I can almost imagine that’s what a rainbow would look like. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to live in their confined world. Then there are nights it feels like I’m on the other side of the tank and they are watching me – I’m the one living in the confined world.
~*~
“Everything will be all right, Jasper.”
Dad is standing by the front door with his back turned to me. We don’t get to talk much, with the late hours he works. But I know he loves me. We have each other to come home to, we are still a family.
“Yes, Dad.” I feel I have to say more to make him feel better, but I have no words of comfort to offer. Instead I take his hand and walk out onto our porch.
Now the waiting starts. Normally I’d be getting breakfast ready for us, before heading to the seminary for my lessons. In just a few minutes everything will go on as normal. I will still be here and Dad will still be here. I’ll go back inside and make us some oats. We’ll eat and I’ll go to my classes, Dad will go to work and everything will be fine. It will be another normal, boring day.
Next week I will write my assessment. It’s where they decide which part of the Ecocity I will be integrated into. If I study hard enough and show I’m worthy, I will get a good position. Maybe I can even become a Curer. I got a good grade for my first aid class.
But, someone else’s life will change, all because the Virtuous feel it’s their duty to send seven Crusaders out each year - into the Dissolutes’ Ecocity - to at least try and see if there are still people worth saving. Thus far none have returned. You’d think after years of no one coming back, they would realize it’s not working. Surely all those people can’t all still be trying to convert the Dissolute?
Our Ecocity abides by way of the seven virtues since the wars have ended. I’d say live, but I wouldn’t go that far. No one is truly alive around here if you ask my opinion, but I wouldn’t dare say that out loud. If someone dares go against the System of Principles, they get judged by the Emissaries, and if found blameworthy of an act against any of the Seven Virtues they are cast out to become a Dissolute. The Emissaries are clever, they never use words like hate, love, religion, nor faith and hope. I’ve read about those words and I think words like ‘hope’ and ‘faith’ might wake the people up, make them less zombie-like.
Nobody has been cast out since Mom. She was found blameworthy of selfishness. It was an act against Humility.
Selflessness, ‘it’s not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less’. Those were the words they judged her with. Words once spoken by a man named C. S. Lewis. He lived hundreds of years ago, yet his words condemned my mother.
She was chosen to become a courageous Crusader, but didn’t want to leave us. She got cast out anyway - with no hope of ever returning. Hope, I have hope that things might change. I don’t speak to anyone of it. I have hope, that one day we might make our own choices of what to wear and what colors the clothes could be – just simple things.
I don’t always understand what the Emissaries mean to achieve by sending out Crusaders. If people like Mom can’t be saved, can’t be forgiven, then why should we go out to see if there are others? Why give others a chance if Mom can’t have one? I know I shouldn’t question the Virtuous way - this enhanced and purified society – but I do, a little more every day. What does it really stand for?
~*~
I’m afraid I’m not Virtuous enough, and as I stand here watching the bus stop way down the street, my heart leaps to my throat. I fear they’ll see it on my face. Part of me wants to walk out into the street and offer myself up as a Crusader, so I can have a chance to go look for Mom.
No one has ever done something like that; offered themselves up to become a Crusader. But, that part of me that wants to walk into the street has this hope that there is more to life. My life is as colorless as the world around me, my skin a faded yellow just like the walls of our houses, and the blood pulsing listlessly through my veins, a dull blue, like the tiles on our roofs. My life is droning by, day by day, and one day I’ll blink and I’ll be old. There has to be more to my life – a purpose.
Then there’s another part of me, the part that fears I’ll never have enough courage to do such a thing. That part of me wants to stay with Dad, here where it is safe. I have a routine, and even though it’s a boring one, it is my life.
When I start to grow frustrated with my life, I tell myself it’s only temporary. My studies will come to an end and maybe I can go work in the genetics department with dad. I can help grow the vegetables we eat. I can be an asset to my Ecocity, and maybe then, I’ll feel more like a Virtuous.
I’ll get married soon. I’ll experience my first hug, my first kiss. I’ll experience what it feels like to care for another person – a man. It’s a frightening thought. Will I be a good wife? What will be expected of me? The matrimonial course is scheduled for a week before the actual marriage takes place. I have no idea what a marriage entails. I hardly had any example from my parents, with them being at work all the time. I saw them kiss once and that was on the day Mom was taken from us.
Maybe I should go talk to Mrs. Noah about marriage? She seems to know an awful lot about everything. She is after all the oldest.
For now all my worries have to wait. I hold on to Dad’s hand with both of mine as the bus comes closer. It feels like it’s bringing a tidal wave of tension along with it, and it’s going to wipe me right off my feet.
It slows down two houses from ours, slowing my heartbeat along with it. I can hear every beat thumping in my ears. When it stops in front of our house, a cold sweat breaks out over my body, even though it’s not hot enough outside. It never gets that hot here, never too hot to sweat, because there is no sun to warm our faces. The hermetically sealed dome protects us from the sun’s dangerous rays, and all we see of it is a blurred circle that moves across our dome. The dome keeps out all the natural elements, and more.
“Daddy!” I don’t mean to panic as a man gets out of the bus.
“Everything will be okay, Jasper. Ethan will find you! Look for Chance. Look for your mother. You’re as strong as your mother. You need to get out,” Dad whispers urgently, as a man dressed neatly in a pale yellow suit walks toward to us. The yellow of his clothes clashes with his red hair.
“Jasper Matthias.” He says my name, not making any eye contact. He holds a device out to me. It has no keypad, only a screen with three circles at the top. “Press your thumb to the scanner, please.”
I remember this from when they came for Mom. She didn’t press her thumb to the scanner. She shoved the man and ran. She didn’t get far before they caught her. I don’t know why she did that, if she knew they would ban her.
I tighten my grip on Dad’s hand and lift my other to the device. As I press my thumb to the scanner, I wish I could stop the slight tremor so clearly visible to everyone. Nothing happens and for a second I hope they’ve made a mistake. The man takes my hand and presses my thumb harder down, so hard my thumb cramps. He rolls it over from left to right. The device beeps and the first light glows yellow, the second glows yellow again. I don’t know what it means. The third glows bright blue and a name and face appear on the screen. Shock vibrates through me - it’s my name, it’s my face.
“Proceed to the vehicle, please.” The man steps aside and waits for me to walk.
&nbs
p; Dad hugs me, a quick, stiff hug. It’s not how I imagined a hug would be. But it’s our last moment together and I try to take in everything about him. I smell the familiar smell of sanitizing spray that always clings to him. I take in a deep breath and try to imprint his smell to my memory as best I can. My throat tightens and my eyes burn. I’m not courageous, I’m scared.
“Remember what I said. You will make it,” Dad whispers.
Tears well up in my eyes and I blink them away. I want to be strong for Dad. I want to be Virtuous, only I can’t find those traits in my heart. I’m my mother’s daughter after all. I want to run like she did. I want to be selfish and stay with Dad.
The walk to the bus is a daunting one. Every step I take is taking me further away from home and closer to the bus, the very thing that will take me away. My legs feel heavy, as if my body is nothing more than dead weight - no longer youthful and supple - a woman in the making. I feel as if I’ve lost something precious this morning, my hope of a future that might have been.
The metal of the door is cold as I take hold of it to steady myself, boarding the bus. It looks much the same as the ones used for transport in the metropolis and neighborhoods. Only, this one has the blue and yellow lights at the top for in case of an emergency.
I recognize the guy already sitting in the back. He’s in my class, and unfortunately we share the same name. It’s because of him everyone calls me Jai, except for Dad.
When I start towards him, Jasper Thomas looks relieved to see me. I shake my hands out and concentrate hard so I won’t show him I’m just as scared as he is. I take the seat in front of him. We have been taught to not intermingle with men from a young age, to protect our virtue and keep ourselves pure for the one we will marry. If we fail at this, the most important virtue of all, Chastity, you are of course banished. To be banished and to be called an unpure, that must be awful.
“Just the two of us so far.” He never talks to me unless he really has to, either. He must really be nervous, and it makes me more nervous. I wish he would rather keep quiet.
I scoot over to the window. Taking the window seat keeps me from sitting between people, but it will only be the seven of us today so I guess it doesn’t really matter where I sit.
Families turn and go back into their houses as we drive past them, lucky to be left untouched. They’ll go have breakfast now. They’ll go to school and work. I wonder if Dad is fixing himself some oats. I won’t look around to see if he’s still standing there.
‘It’s not a Virtuous thought,’ I reprimand myself. I must have courage, as per the virtue, Humility. I must sacrifice off myself, as per Charity. I straighten up and lift my chin.
We stop and I can’t keep from looking at the family hugging each other outside their house. A house just like all the others.
Our Ecocity was cleaned up after the Fifth World War. With the last war everything was destroyed. I was one of the lucky ones, not to have been born yet. But from what I’ve heard in my History class it was a brutal war where only a few survived. From what I understand no one won, and too many died. Mankind was almost driven to a point of extinction, the animals and most of the vegetation, plants and trees weren’t that fortunate – they were all destroyed. All that remained was their DNA some scientist had managed to keep in a secure location from the Dissolute. That location is now the laboratories where my father works, at the heart of our Ecocity, close to where I’ll be going to be blessed.
Sometimes I get the feeling everything is just too … much, too perfect. It’s a bubble waiting to be popped. The way this family’s bubble has just been popped, just like mine was popped. They hug, they kiss, they say their farewell.
“Mr. Demetrius. It’s Mr. Demetrius!” Jasper’s voice cracks. I think a part of my heart is breaking as well, as I watch our science teacher start toward the bus.
I watch his wife hold their two children. It’s not right that Mr. Demetrius has been chosen, he has a family to take care of.
He offers us a tight smile as he comes aboard the bus and I try to give him one back, but I think I fail, because he squeezes my shoulder and then scoots into the seat next to Jasper.
“I’m not ready to die.” Jasper’s words come out in a rush. He is breathing so fast it sounds like he’s been running.
It’s not something I’m good at, physical exercises. We only had the class once a week when I was still in school, luckily for me. Since I’ve been in college the only exercise I get in is when I walk to and from my classes.
“We’re not going to die, Jasper. The Dissolute aren’t barbaric. We have been honored by being chosen.” I don’t turn around in my seat to look at Mr. Demetrius, as he speaks words of comfort to Jasper.
I haven’t thought about death, only finding Mom, should I ever get the opportunity to go. I haven’t thought at all about what lies behind the boundary marker of the dome.
“Why have none of the others returned?” Jasper asks the question I thought of quite often since Mom was banished.
In my heart I never really thought the day would come that I would be chosen. I didn’t even feed the glofish this morning.
“Because they are still spreading the news.” I wonder if Mr. Demetrius truly believes what he is saying.
We stop again. I know this house. Ruth Hosea lives here. She’s a year younger than me. I know this, because we sometimes walk home together. I look down at my hands. I know if I see her crying, I will cry too. I hear her come onto the bus and I hear her go to Mr. Demetrius. That’s good. I only have strength for myself right now.
I don’t look up to see who the last three people are. I keep my eyes on my hands. But, we don’t stop – we collect more people. One of them sits down next to me. I scoot as close to the window as I can. My knuckles are starting to show white as I clench my hands tightly into fists on my lap. I don’t understand why there’s more than seven and I grow more anxious each time the bus stops.
The metropolis area of our Ecocity rises high into the sky in some places. There are smaller concrete buildings, the older ones that weren’t broken down and replaced with the new shiny skyscrapers. The solar windows reflects green and blue all around the metropolis.
There are seven billboards up across the metropolis, each show a virtue. They convert the atmospheric humidity into water, because the one river we have running through our Ecocity isn’t nearly enough to provide for our needs.
It only rains once a year, a sheet of ice that freezes everything. We can’t go outside for a week, but when the ice melts the water runs into the canals, which feed the reservoir for storage.
The Ecopark is also known as the beehive, it’s where the Curing Centre, the Genetics Labs and the Haven is, that’s where the Emissaries are. That’s where we are going now, to be blessed. I don’t want to be blessed, I want to go home.
The bus stops right outside the Haven. “This way please.” The man with the red hair stands by the door and I hear him, but my legs won’t move.
“Come.” I glance up at the person nudging me along. Ethan. I don’t remember his last name. Dad spoke highly of Ethan. Dad said that if Ethan kept up his grades he would be joining the team of engineers. He is attractive in a boyish way, with his blue eyes and dark brown hair. He could’ve made some girl happy. I guess that won’t be happening anymore. Just like mine, his life changed today.
Ethan! ‘Ethan will find you.’ Dad’s words ring in my ears as if he’d just spoken them again. I was so stunned when they came for me I didn’t quite take in what he was saying.
For a second I stand staring at Ethan, and he might start getting the impression that I’m staring for the wrong reason, when I finally get over the shock. I let out a slow breath and brush past him. His hand wraps around my arm, holding me back. My heart starts to beat faster and I can feel the flush creeping up my neck.
It’s just my luck, the first time a guy touches me will be the day I’m chosen to become a Crusader! I let out a shaky breath. I need to control my emotions
better. I mean, come on, he’s just holding my arm. Mr. Demetrius, Jasper and Ruth brush past us. I can’t look at them, I’m too embarrassed by Ethan touching me. Should I even allow him to touch me publicly? Then again, what can they do? Throw me out? I’ll be leaving the Ecocity in a few hours anyway.
“Just stay with me. Whatever happens from here on out don’t leave my side,” Ethan whispers urgently, bringing my internal babbling to a screeching halt.
My eyes dart up to him, but he’s looking out the window. He nudges at my back, for me to move forward. Oh gosh, now he’s touching my back! I walk faster, putting some distance between us. Climbing out of the bus, a nervous tension flows through me as the crowd gathers together. I forget about Ethan touching me and do what he says, I stay next to him. I can’t stand the thought of being alone right now and Ethan is a link to Dad.
We all wait for the man to lead the way. The Haven looks so much bigger today, its shadow looming over us. I shiver and take another step closer to Ethan. We all bundle into the impressive lobby. The floor tiles gleam our reflections back at us, and our footsteps echo, as if it’s mocking us with a fake applause for being chosen. The red haired man presses the button for the elevator.
How many people can fit in an elevator? A fresh wave of panic washes over me. I don’t like confined spaces. I can feel the air already whooshing from my lungs at the thought of being stuck in such a small space, crammed in between all these people.
“Excuse me,” my voice is a hesitant whisper, “can I take the stairs? I have a fear of confined spaces.” So much for being brave! I can’t believe I just said that to the man! Apparently my fear for confined spaces is bigger than my fear of talking to him.
“I’ll walk with her, Aaron,” Ethan says.
Ethan knows the man?
“Seventh floor,” the man, Aaron permits us to go.
Ethan takes big steps and I have to walk fast to keep up with him. We climb the first flight of stairs in silence before he starts to talk. “Aaron is with us, but don’t look at him. He programmed us into the system to be chosen.”
Footprints In The Sand Page 14
