by Alex Brown
‘No he doesn’t.’ Jude bowed her head and busied herself with inspecting the trim of her cardigan.
‘Oh come on, Jude. It’s so obvious there’s a spark between the pair of you. And I’m not buying that, “Sylvia said I must make an effort” line. Would his housekeeper, or whoever she is, really say that to the man she works for?’
‘Hmm, she might. Sylvia is very forthright.’
‘No, he came in here to see you. Did you tell him you’d be here?’
‘I might have mentioned it,’ Jude said, remembering very well that Myles had asked what she was up to this evening and she had said she was meeting Chrissie, Holly’s mum, in the village pub. So he had remembered, and made a point of complimenting Chrissie on her daughter too. Jude thought that was sweet of him.
‘Well, there you go. He hates public places but he wanted to see you away from a work situation. And he’s in awe of you – probably explains the brashness – the taking your drink without asking; it’s all bluster. A front, if you like. What’s the betting he’s never had to make a proper effort with a woman before.’
‘Why do you say that?’
‘Well, he was a big star back in the day … most likely used to having women do all the running while he sat back and let them. But there’s no way you’re like that, Jude Darling. And he knows it,’ Chrissie laughed.
‘Hmm,’ Jude muttered.
‘So, how do you feel about him?’ Chrissie glanced over Jude’s shoulder towards the bar. ‘It’s OK, it’s heaving over there, so he’s going to be a while getting served and getting back to us.’ Jude looked over towards the bar too, and was pleasantly surprised to see Myles standing in the crowd, quite normally. Nobody was bothering him, hassling him, as he had feared. Although, she could see a few of the school mums nudging each other and making silly faces, as if goading one another to go and talk to him. But it was Mack, the ex-soldier, and Kitty’s boyfriend, who actually spoke directly to Myles. Jude watched as Mack put out his hand, which Myles shook before saying something that made Mack do a big belly laugh. A few seconds later, the two men were chatting and nodding like a pair of old friends. ‘Do you fancy him?’ Chrissie nudged her, quite insistently.
‘No I don’t,’ Jude said, far too quickly.
‘Why not? He’s nice. And pretty fit, and did you see those abs when he pulled the coat off and his T-shirt rose up? He must work out every day to have an impressive six-pack like that.’
‘Not really, I wasn’t looking. Besides, he’s way too immature for me. And that silly man bun is … well, it’s ridiculously silly!’ And Jude lifted an empty glass to her lips.
‘It’s … um … your drink, it’s empty,’ Chrissie grinned and pointed at the glass.
‘I know that.’ Jude placed the glass back on the table and did her best to avoid Chrissie’s gaze. They’d been best friends for nearly forty years and it was clear that, even though she had been living in LA for the last however-many years, Chrissie hadn’t lost the knack that best friends have of asking all the awkward questions and getting right under your skin when you least want them to. And she really wished her cheeks weren’t flushing quite so much; she must lay off the Prosecco, it was no good for her. Plus she had brought Chrissie out to the pub in the hope of having a proper heart-to-heart with her about Sam. Not to talk about Myles and whether he did or didn’t fancy her.
Chapter Fourteen
Half a hour later, and it seemed that Myles had forgotten all about bringing back the bottle of Prosecco; he was now having a game of darts with Mack and all his army mates over from the base in Market Briar.
‘So, how are things with you and Sam now?’ Jude asked.
‘Pretty bad, to be honest, Jude. He just seems incapable of getting it.’ Chrissie shook her head.
‘Getting what?’
‘The whole thing. You saw how he was the other night. Leaving Holly on her own and then going to the pub. It’s immature. Why can’t he just take some proper responsibility? Why is it always down to me?’
‘I don’t know, Chrissie. But you know he won’t have done it on purpose, just to annoy you.’
‘Hmm, maybe. But I’m the one who has to deal with the fallout. She begged me and then shouted and then sulked for at least an hour this evening to force me to cancel the babysitter that I had booked. Telling me she’s, “not a baby and Dad trusts me so why don’t you?” Until I caved in and thought, maybe she has a point. But it’s hard, bloody hard … I lost count of the times I was left at home on my own as a kid, and sometimes for a whole night. Mum would go out at teatime for “just a few” and still not be home by breakfast time the following morning. So I would just come to school and try to forget about it.’
‘Oh, Chrissie. I never knew,’ Jude said, shaking her head. ‘Of course, I knew that your mum was an alcoholic, but not back then, not when we were kids.’
‘That’s because I didn’t want you to know. Being friends with you at school was a good thing in my life, and I never wanted that spoilt. Ever wonder why we never went to my house to hang out? I didn’t know if Mum would be slurring her words and I’d feel embarrassed. And your dad is so lovely, it was better at your house.’ Jude squeezed her friend’s hand. ‘But, Holly isn’t me, she’s right … she isn’t a baby. So I cancelled the babysitter and left Holly instructions to call me immediately if she needed to.’
‘Well done. I’m sure Holly will be fine, and we’re not going to be out for very long. And she’ll call if she isn’t and you can keep in contact by text. She’s going to push the boundaries. I guess that’s teenagers for you,’ Jude said, pleased to see a chink of a change. She was sure that if Chrissie could relax a little and ease up on Holly, then Holly would soon feel a lot happier.
‘Is it though? You know, Holly and I have always clashed, but now that Sam is back it’s like she blames me for everything. It’s all my fault he’s living at Dolly’s cottage. I must have driven him away. He can do no wrong as far as Holly is concerned.’
‘Oh, Chrissie, I know it’s been tough on you. And you’ve done everything for her. You’re a brilliant mum, and Holly has really benefited from the stability and structure you’ve given her. Myles is right in what he said earlier – Holly is a great girl. But maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing to let Sam do more now that he’s back. There’s nothing wrong in having a bit of help … is there?’ Jude knew to tread carefully. What she really wanted to say was that Holly thinks you hate her because you’re so strict and won’t give an inch. You’ve let your need for control distort your rationality. And I totally understand how it has happened, and why, but you have to rein it in or you’re in danger of losing Holly.
‘But I don’t need any help.’
‘Don’t you?’
‘Are you saying I can’t cope?’ Chrissie’s face crumpled slightly.
‘No. Not at all. I’m just saying that you and Sam and Holly were always so happy, and now you aren’t. I wonder if Sam behaved the way he did in the past … because he could. Because he didn’t need to step up. Because you had it all under control so he could goof about and be the fun one.’
‘But Holly won’t hear a bad word against him.’
‘Of course she won’t. He’s her dad. Her hero. And in her eyes he has only ever loved her. I don’t think you can blame him – or her – for that.’
‘I’m not.’
‘You sure?’ Jude gently rubbed her friend’s arm, keen to let her know that her intention wasn’t to criticise her.
‘What are you getting at?’
‘OK, can I be straight with you?’ Jude swallowed, and then braced herself.
‘Go ahead. Seems like you already are,’ Chrissie said, sounding frosty now.
‘Do you want Sam back?’ Jude decided to ditch her plan of asking Chrissie about the choir man, Gavin. Chrissie was bound to wonder why she was asking, especially when she hadn’t mentioned him at all. She would know that something had been said, and Jude couldn’t risk putting Holly in the frame. Not wh
en things were already so strained between them. This felt like a much better place to start from, because she knew Chrissie well enough to know that if she had met another man and was seriously moving on with him, then her reaction would show it. Chrissie dipped her head and said,
‘People don’t just switch off their feelings.’ And in that moment, as Chrissie lifted her head back up, Jude knew. She could see it in her eyes.
‘You do, don’t you?’ Her friend was in so much pain. Her heartache was palpable. Chrissie wanted more than anything to get back with Sam – was still so in love with her husband. Jude put her arms around her lifelong best friend and spoke softly as she held her tight. ‘It’s going to be all right, Chrissie. I promise you. You will get through this. I know that you and Sam can work this out. And Holly is going to be absolutely fine.’ And in that moment, Jude felt her best friend’s body change. The concrete-like shoulders from before now surrendered and softened. Free from the proverbial weight that they had been burdened with.
‘Thank you for coming home.’ Chrissie sat back. ‘A problem shared is a problem halved, and all that. I guess I have been trying too hard to keep it all together … no wonder Holly hates me. I spend most of my life barking orders at her like a drill sergeant. But I want her to have the best start, to grow up having the security I never had. And I can’t even do that for her … not with Sam and me separated.’
‘But it’s not too late to fix that. And she doesn’t hate you!’ Jude reassured, recalling Holly’s exact sentiment. Chrissie surreptitiously dabbed her index fingers at the corners of her eyes.
Jude saw Chrissy was now struggling to keep her emotions under control. ‘I can’t believe I’m welling up. Here in the pub.’
‘It’s fine, Chrissie. Nobody can see you. Not that they would blame you, in any case, with the strain that you’ve been under.’
‘But it’s more than that: I feel so conflicted. It’s like one part of me feels so damn angry and abandoned by Sam … yet the other half still craves him physically and emotionally.’
Silence followed.
‘You know, I even had a T-shirt of his pressed up to my nose the other day. Just to feel close to him. How ridiculous is that?’
‘It’s not ridiculous.’
‘If it isn’t, then why am I so hostile towards him? It’s like I want to punish him. Maybe I want to make him hate me too …’ Chrissie closed her eyes and turned her head slowly from side to side.
‘Well, that’s understandable. You have every right to feel angry with him. You said yourself that you feel conflicted.’
‘Tell me what to do, Jude.’
‘Talk to him. Let him in …’
‘Maybe you’re right … perhaps I’ll call him when I get home. I’ll text Holly and let her know I won’t be long.’ And Chrissie gave Jude a watery smile before looking in her bag to locate her phone.
*
Sam pulled up in the Land Rover and his heart warmed to see the lights on inside. Holly and Chrissie probably had their feet up watching The Great British Bake Off. Perhaps he should have called Chrissie to tell her he was coming over, but he didn’t want to risk her putting him off or saying no. He really wanted to tell her how he felt, that they could work things through if she could just give him one more chance. That he could be there for both of them, when they needed him, all of the time.
He got out of the car, headed to the front door and pressed the bell. No answer. He tapped again. But when there was still no sign of anyone, he looked in through the front living-room window. He couldn’t see Chrissie, but Holly had her back to the window and appeared to be dancing to herself with her earbuds on, completely oblivious to being watched. He grinned; she was a good mover. Eventually she turned around and nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw him, before running to the hall to let him in.
‘Dad!’ She threw her arms around him and removed her earbuds.
‘Hey sweetheart, where’s your mum? Upstairs?’ Sam glanced up the staircase.
‘No, she’s gone out. To the pub with Aunty Jude.’
Sam felt as if he’d been punched in the stomach. Chrissie had given him a huge bollocking for leaving Holly on her own the other night and now here she was, home alone, because her mum had gone out to the pub! Sam was struggling, trying to work out how he fitted in now, in this world that had moved on without him. But how was he supposed to make any sense of it when Chrissie kept moving the goalposts? And was she really out with Jude? Or was she with this other bloke, the one who kept gnawing away in a corner of his brain like a rat, giving him a nasty headache? But he couldn’t think any more about all that right now, he had to make sure Holly was OK.
‘Oh,’ he started, looking at his daughter, who did seem absolutely fine. ‘And are you all right?’ he checked nonetheless. ‘Your levels are OK?’
‘Yes, Dad. Of course I am.’ She hopped from one foot to the other.
‘Sure? Not been climbing on any more chairs, have you Holly?’ Sam felt it best to at least mention what had happened the other night.
‘Um,’ Holly reddened. ‘No. I haven’t. And I’m sorry I fibbed, Dad. You know … About being home alone. And I’m sorry I got you into trouble with Mum.’
‘Why did you fib, love?’ Sam could feel his frustration crumbling already.
‘Because …’ Holly hesitated. She could hardly tell him the real reason, that Mum hadn’t sent him the chocolates at all and he’d find out right away. That would ruin her Get Mum and Dad Back Together in Time for My Birthday plan. And the wish would never come true then. So she settled on, ‘I didn’t want you and Mum to argue again.’
‘Oh, sweetheart, we weren’t arguing,’ Sam said, stepping forward to give her a hug. ‘Mum and I just need to sort some stuff out … In fact, that’s why I’m here, to see Mum. And you of course.’ He smiled, and pushed all thoughts of feeling wronged by Chrissie for having a go at him from his mind. Recognising that he needed to reassure Holly and put things right for her.
‘Brilliant,’ Holly said, feeling happy, but a bit worried that he still might find out the truth about the chocolates. She’d just have to hope he didn’t mention them.
‘So what time will Mum be back?’
‘Soon – she won’t leave me alone for long. She still thinks I’m a baby. But I’m a teenager and can totally look after myself. I get on a bus and go to and from school and Katie’s mum lets us stay at her house on our own. Plus we already went on Survival Island with the Guides so I don’t know what Mum’s problem is.’
‘Mum just wants to make sure you are OK. Katie doesn’t have diabetes like you do,’ Sam said sensibly, and he followed his daughter into the house, absent-mindedly kicking off his shoes in the hallway, just as Chrissie had drummed into him a thousand times before. Muscle memory, he mused.
‘Did you bring your guitar, Dad?’ Holly asked, ignoring his comment about the diabetes being a factor for Chrissie’s protectiveness.
‘Of course. It’s in the back of the car.’
‘Cool, will you it get, please? We can play some songs together like we always used to.’
When Chrissie put her key in the door an hour later, Sam and Holly were strumming their guitars along to a rudimentary version of Ed Sheeran’s ‘Shape of You’, laughing together as they tried to remember the words.
‘Sam, what are you doing here?’ Chrissie said, looking flustered and surprised.
‘I came to see you. But you weren’t in. Holly was here on her own.’ As soon as the words came out of his mouth he regretted how accusatory they sounded.
‘Holly and I agreed that it would be OK for her to stay here on her own. It was only for a short while,’ Chrissie said crisply.
‘And you didn’t think to discuss it with me? This change of plan … especially after the grief you gave me about dropping her off the other night. And don’t I get a say any more in the choices we make for our daughter?’ He stopped playing and shook his head.
‘Sam, it was only for a short time.
And it’s not exactly late. I didn’t mean to exclude you, I—’
‘Mum! Dad! No more arguments, please,’ Holly jumped in, looking at them both. ‘Come on Mum, why don’t you join in? Me and Dad are having fun.’
‘I’m not sure?’ Chrissie hesitated. Sam willed her to give it a go. If only for Holly’s sake. ‘What is it you’re doing?’
‘I’m practising for the Summer Show at school,’ Holly said, thinking of her Get Mum and Dad Back Together in Time for My Birthday plan, and mentally crossing her fingers that Mum would let Dad stay. And that Mum would join in the singing, too. They always had a laugh when she did her ‘shows’, so what better way to try to make the wish come true. ‘Katie wants to do Ariana Grande, but I want to do Ed Sheeran. Please Mum,’ Holly beamed, hoping her smile would win Mum round. Chrissie sighed, the battle evident on her face, but then relented and sank down on the sofa next to Sam.
For the next half-hour, Sam and Chrissie indulged Holly while she sat in the comfy armchair opposite them and played out the various versions of her performance. ‘Refining’ was the best word that Sam could come up with for Holly’s show. Sam loved playing his guitar, but always knew he’d never be lead-singer material. Their daughter seemed to have inherited his virtually tone-deaf ear. It was mostly enthusiasm that was propping up her routine. Chrissie ended up taking over the singing duties while Holly focused on the dancing. Sam thought that Chrissie’s crystal-clear tones gave the song an added soulfulness, but then he was biased. Eventually Holly started yawning and Chrissie insisted she go upstairs to put her pyjamas on and snuggle up in bed with a book before lights out.
‘That was fun. We felt like a proper family then for a moment,’ Chrissie said, closing the door behind Holly.
‘We are a proper family,’ Sam smiled. ‘When we’re together …’
‘Exactly! When we’re together.’ But there was no accusation in her words this time. They looked at each other and Sam could feel something had shifted slightly in his wife this evening. Not as defensive, maybe. ‘And it was nice to see Holly so happy,’ she added.
