Luke sat on the edge of the bed, pondering all that Timmy was saying. He smoothed the hair from Timmy’s forehead. “She works too hard for a little girl, huh? Making our lunches. Cleaning up the kitchen.”
“I should help her more. I should be a better brother to her,” he confessed solemnly.
Luke fixed the collar on Timmy’s pajamas and let his hand rest on his son’s chest. He could feel Timmy’s heartbeat. His eyes focused on the golden retriever printed on the pajamas. “Just why do you want a dog, Timmy?”
“Because then I’ll have somebody to love,” Timmy replied with such cutting honesty it made Luke wince.
Luke felt as if the hands on the clock had stopped. His children didn’t know he loved them. Annie had turned to her talent to comfort her. Timmy wanted a dog.
Luke knew he hadn’t paid enough attention to his children, but he hadn’t realized his negligence had caused this rift in all their lives.
He was responsible for this dilemma. No one else. Only he could fix the problem.
“I love you, Timmy,” Luke said in an emotion-filled whisper. He kissed Timmy’s cheek.
Timmy flung his arms around Luke’s neck and hugged him tightly. “I love you, Daddy.”
“You get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow Annie won’t hate me so much,” Luke said, though he didn’t believe a single word he was saying.
Luke went to the door and looked back at Timmy. “Good night, pardner.”
“Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“The other day Sarah brought her dog to choir practice and she let me pet him and play with him for a really long time. Do you think I can ever get a dog like Beau?”
“Sure. When we can afford it,” Luke replied with a smile.
Timmy frowned and rolled over and whispered, “That means never.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
ON SATURDAY MORNING, Sarah waited until Luke withdrew all his tools from his truck and went down the drive to the carriage house before she donned her Cubs baseball cap and stuck her feet in her running shoes.
Sarah knew that Luke was avoiding her calls about Annie, which meant her only course of action would be to confront him face-to-face. She’d rehearsed a dozen different scenarios to convince Luke to allow Annie to sing.
Sarah marched out the back door with Beau following her. “Stay, Beau,” she ordered, but Beau only looked up at her and continued trailing behind.
Sarah noticed Beau’s determined expression was almost a carbon copy of her own.
Luke was wearing a pair of work jeans and a navy T-shirt with the New York Yankees logo emblazoned on the front. He was holding a heavy electric drill attached to a long, orange extension cord.
He glared at her as she flounced toward him. This wasn’t going to go well. Sarah gathered up even more courage. She wasn’t about to let Luke win this argument. She felt imbued with self-righteousness. She came to an abrupt stop and Beau nearly slammed into her. He stood on all fours, facing Luke.
“You are purposefully avoiding my calls,” Sarah said.
Luke wrapped his hand around the neck, holding it firm in order to change the bit. “I’ve been busy.”
“So have I,” Sarah countered. How did he make her so angry before she’d even started?
“Spare me,” he grumbled, pressing the trigger again. “I have two jobs. You have none. I have two kids. You have none. I have laundry, grocery shopping, and kids’ dental appointments. Why would you think I’m purposefully avoiding you?”
“Because you don’t want Annie to be my soloist.”
“You’re wrong, Sarah. I’m not against it. I’m not for it. I think it’s too much pressure for a little kid. All of it. She’s already got stars in her eyes, and I think you’re playing on that dream of hers to get her all excited about something that’s not going to happen. Now you’ve gone and gotten some hotshot Chicago newspaper critic to come to this festival, which only ramps up the ante, as far as I’m concerned. What if she fails?”
Sarah couldn’t believe her ears. “What if she succeeds, Luke? Annie has an extraordinary voice. She has perfect pitch. She started to read music with almost no training. She’s like a savant. And if she does succeed, what of it?” Sarah paused, noticing the hard line of his lips. He held his drill like a gun. “Is that what you’re really afraid of, Luke? That she would succeed?”
He straightened his shoulders and took a step toward her. Beau growled.
With an almost menacing look in his eyes, Luke said, “When you put it that way, no!”
Sarah realized she had probably pushed Luke too far. She didn’t want to lose Annie as the soloist, but the fact was, she’d never had her in the first place. She could almost hear Annie’s dreams crashing down around her. Sarah’s heart went out to the little girl. In many ways, Annie reminded Sarah of herself when she was a little girl. Perhaps that was the reason she had championed Annie so much.
As Sarah looked up at Luke, his blazing blue eyes boring into her, she believed she didn’t have anything to lose. “No wonder you have problems with your kids. I’d ditch that dictatorial attitude of yours, and fast.”
Sarah had struck too close to the mark.
Luke jabbed his finger into his chest for emphasis. “They’re my kids! Not yours. You promise both my kids all kinds of stuff. Auditions, play parts, solos and—” he glanced down at Beau “—dogs! What are you really after, Sarah?”
“I just wanted to help Annie. I know what she wants.”
“No, you don’t. You don’t know anything. You can just forget it! That’s final!” Luke barked.
Sarah was so angry she was speechless. She opened her mouth to give it back to him, but not a single word traveled from her brain to her lips.
“Oooh!” She lifted both her arms in the air and swatted the empty space between them, spun on her heel and marched back down the drive to her house.
* * *
BEAU STARED UP at Luke, cocked his head to the left then turned and followed his master.
Mrs. Beabots, who had been sitting in her white wicker chair on the front porch listening to the whole confrontation, peered over the porch railing and saw Sarah go in her side door.
Luke walked down the drive and stood just below Mrs. Beabots.
“Are you really going to keep Annie from singing?” she asked.
“Maybe I was being too hard on Sarah,” he answered, looking into Mrs. Beabots’s clear, blue eyes.
“You do that a lot. Why is that, Luke?”
He scratched the one-day stubble on his cheek. “She’s always busting my chops. Maybe I do that because she knows me too well.”
Luke realized that, in the midst of his arguments with Sarah, she had become a mirror for him to see himself at this point in his life. There was no question his life was a mess. Jenny had been his anchor and her death had capsized his ship. Sarah had burst through his protective bubble and shocked him awake. He didn’t like being mentally and emotionally tasered. It was painful and frightening.
So was living in the past.
The past was gone, just a specter of memories. A wife who couldn’t hold him or talk to him. A mother of his children who wasn’t involved in their lives today.
He’d been wrong to cast such firm, strong lines around Jenny.
“I guess I should go easier on Sarah, huh?”
Mrs. Beabots smiled and said, “Enlightenment is a large pill to swallow. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve choked on it myself.”
* * *
LUKE WAITED UNTIL the kids were in bed and sound asleep before he picked up the phone to call Sarah. He double-checked the number on the kids’ contact sheet from the choir. He dialed three times before he actually let the call go through.
Eating crow was always a tough chew.
“Hi, Luke,” Sarah answered. “I saw it was you on my caller ID.”
“Oh. Good. Well, I wanted to tell you that I’ve thought it over and I’ll let Annie be your soloist for the festival.”
“Thank you, Luke,” Sarah said politely.
A very pregnant pause filled the line.
“I want to apologize for the things I’ve said to you, Sarah. About you not having kids of your own. That was uncalled for. I’ve always been protective of Annie and Timmy and since their mom died, I guess I’ve overdone it,” Luke said.
“Accepted,” Sarah replied. “Luke, Annie has been practicing diligently, and I know she and Timmy would be overjoyed if you came to hear them rehearse.”
“I, uh, don’t think so. I’ll wait till the festival,” Luke said, wondering if he should give her a string of excuses or just tell her the truth. He didn’t do churches.
Disappointment rattled through Sarah’s voice. “Okay, till then. Thank you, Luke,” she said before hanging up.
* * *
SARAH PRESSED THE end button on her phone as the truth hit her like a bullet between the eyes.
Luke didn’t trust her.
It was as plain as that. He resisted just about anything Sarah offered or did outright because deep down, he still thought she had ulterior motives toward his children.
How conceited can you get? Sarah thought. There was only one “ulterior motive’ he could possibly have in mind. He thinks I’m after him. That has to be it. Sarah knew her wish to help Annie had nothing to do with Luke. Sarah placed the phone on the charger base. She wondered if Luke had always been suspicious of other people and their motivations. Was it something the Navy taught him, or was it a recent perspective he’d developed after Jenny died? Maybe it was only Sarah he questioned.
Sarah had never been anyone’s foe. The idea pricked her insides and made her uneasy.
Her eyes fell on the phone. “Maybe we can never be friends, Luke,” she said sadly.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
ON SUNDAY MORNING, Luke pulled up to St. Mark’s to pick up the kids. He peered out the windshield at the school where the Sunday school classes were held. He checked his watch. Where are they?
He had no sooner asked himself the question when he noticed other parents waiting in their cars, as well. He was the only father in line waiting for their kids.
“Luke?” a woman’s voice asked, as she knocked on his window.
“Jen...” Luke had to shake his head to dispel his daydream. “Oh, hi,” he said, looking into Mary Catherine Cook’s face.
“The kids are all in the church. We were practicing for the choir and lost track of time. We’re nearly done, if you want to come in and watch.” Mary Catherine didn’t hesitate and opened his truck door. “It would mean so much to Annie if you did. Timmy, too.”
Luke frowned at his kids’ teacher. “I could just wait out here.”
“You could. But I wouldn’t. I have to tell the other parents,” she said, then rushed off to the SUV parked next to him.
Luke gripped the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles went white. He watched as Mary Catherine went from car to car and urged the parents to come into the church.
Mary Catherine turned back toward Luke’s truck, but he waved her away. “Some other time,” Luke yelled, with a forced smile.
Of all the things he could and did do for his children, this was one thing he could not handle.
He hadn’t forgiven God for taking Jenny, and he never would. He and his anger and guilt were stalwart bedfellows. They kept him company day and night.
As Mary Catherine held the door open for the parents, Luke heard someone playing the piano and the children singing. Then he heard Annie’s distinctive voice as she belted out “My God is an Awesome God.”
“I can’t do this,” he told himself. “I can’t...” He felt his breath burn in his lungs and build up heat.
He looked at the church. What was he thinking? How gutless could he be? This wasn’t a war zone. There were no snipers or grenades or bomb vests on the children in this building. They were American kids, just singing a song. But if he could rescue children from a mosque in Baghdad, he could do this.
He got out of the truck and walked toward the church he’d so expertly avoided since the day he’d followed Jenny’s casket outside. He opened the door and heard Annie’s voice again. Chills covered his body. He had to hang on to the door latch to steady himself, his knees were so weak.
He didn’t understand what was happening. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he recognized Timmy’s voice. Slowly, he took a step inside and let the door close behind him.
Luke entered the nave and found a pew to the far left, behind a pillar. Timmy waved to him and Luke waved back.
Luke saw Timmy elbow Annie, but she was singing at the top of her lungs and merely gave an annoyed frown. She did not look Luke’s way.
Luke crossed his right leg over his left, and the movement caused the pew to rock back. What the heck? He placed his hand on the back of the pew and gave it a slight shove. It rocked again.
Luke got down on his hands and knees to look at the base. It was just as he suspected. The bolt had come off the bracing. When he got back up, he noticed the end piece of the pew was not securely attached. It needed nailing and glue. Not good.
Luke got up and went around to the pew in front of him. There was no cushion on the seat. He glanced across the aisle and noticed only every other pew had a cushion. Looking around the old church he saw water stains on the walls, in the joists and on the ceiling. He’d noticed that the old wallpaper in the vestibule was peeling. The church was old and such things should be expected, he rationalized. He was surprised to discover that he felt concerned about the old building. He had no use for churches or the Gods they espoused.
“They need to do something about this,” he mumbled.
The children ended their song as Mary Catherine came back into the church. Luke heard the door open again, and saw several more parents enter the church and sit toward the back to listen to the children.
“Children. Let’s sing something for your parents. One last song. We’ll do it just as we practiced yesterday. Then you can all go home.”
The kids applauded. Annie immediately raised her arm. “Mrs. Cook?”
“Yes, Annie?”
“Can we sing ‘Amazing Grace’?”
“That’s an excellent suggestion, Annie.”
Annie stepped forward and sang the first lines of the song with the rest of the children performing backup.
He saw Sarah as she accompanied Annie on the piano. She smiled confidently at Annie, who looked back to her for direction. It was the first time Luke had seen a glowing bond of respect and encouragement between Sarah and his daughter. They were mentor and student, and what they’d created was magnificent.
Luke felt a shiver shoot down his spine and cover his back. If Jenny had appeared to him at the minute, he wouldn’t have been surprised, because Annie’s child’s voice was as sweet and as rousing as the thunder of angels’ wings.
The song filled the church, with each of the children performing for their parents, who watched with pride and surprise.
Timmy and all the other children sang their hearts out, but none of them could compare to the rare talent that Annie possessed. Luke felt pride filling his body.
Sarah had been right. Annie wasn’t just good, she was astoundingly good.
And it scared the daylights out of him. Both his kids’ talents and personalities were coming to life, and he was missing the better part of them. The world where he kept Jenny alive and lived with her still was fantasy.
Annie and Timmy had bounced back with their lives and had moved on. They were resilient. They were stronger than he was, and that frightened him even more. He didn’t know
how to fix the problem, or if he even could, but he knew he had to do something.
Or he would lose them forever.
When the song ended, the audience burst into applause. Each of the kids went racing off to their parents.
It wasn’t until all the kids had left and Annie and Timmy had gone over to Sarah, who gave them each a big hug, that Sarah pointed to the back pew where Luke was standing. “Look who’s here to see you,” Sarah said with a pleased smile.
Annie squealed with delight and shot down the aisle. She was first to reach Luke.
“Did you see me, Daddy? Did you?”
“Yes,” he said, embracing her. “And I thought you were wonderful.”
“Me, too?” Timmy asked as he wrapped his arms around his father’s legs.
“I thought you were the best little boy up there,” Luke said with an impossibly large lump in his throat.
He looked up and saw Sarah walking toward them slowly. “I like being in the choir,” Timmy said proudly.
“You like singing?” Luke asked.
“I like everyone watching me.”
Annie looked at Luke. “Do you think Mommy saw us singing? From heaven, I mean.”
Unprepared for the question, Luke hesitated. “I’m sure she did, and she was just as proud of you as I am.”
* * *
SARAH REACHED THE family and stood back tentatively. She didn’t want to intrude, but felt a glow of happiness for the kids. She was surprised at the soft lights she saw in Luke’s eyes, instead of the hard glint he shot her when he was mad, or the cloudy veil of sadness she saw in them at counseling.
“Hi,” he said, just as a tear slid out of the corner of his eye.
“Hi, Luke,” she replied, realizing he was surely thinking of his wife. Her heart ached for him. Sarah didn’t understand why she was more empathetic toward Luke than the others in her grief counseling, but she was. She couldn’t control her reactions toward him no matter how much she tried. One minute she commiserated with him, the next minute she wanted to hit him over that blockhead of his. He was the conundrum of her life, and Sarah had always hated puzzles. She liked things well-ordered, categorized and manageable. He was totally the opposite.
Love Shadows Page 15
