Damn! Mom's calling me downstairs to do the dishes. I'll be right back. There's lot's more!
Love, Laura
Diary, I'm back. Sorry I had to stop.
So I was dancing, and Donna saw what I was doing and looked at me like I was crazy. She looked around for a minute and I guess she wanted to be a part of the attention, too, or something because she looked at her watch and said, "Let's go skinny-dipping!"
That right there should tell you how drunk Donna was. Everybody got quiet and just listened to the music for a second, then said, "Yeah, okay."
So Donna and I took off our clothes... all of them. We almost left our panties on, but we were afraid they would think we were stupid little girls. They were all in the stream sitting against the rocks when we came back to the fire. The stream is probably three and a half feet deep at its deepest place. So they were sitting there and we set our clothes down and stood by the fire for a minute. When we moved toward the water, Josh said, "Stop. There. Just for a minute."
So we did. And after a minute of us just waiting, he said to Tim and Rick, "Have you ever in your life seen such a beautiful sight as these two girls?" They both made noises like they liked it, too. Donna and I kind of moved a little when we realized they were staring at us like that... that close, you know? Tim said, "Look at the way the fire makes shadows on their skin." Donna and I looked at each other, then looked back toward them. They were hard to see because we were so close to the light and they were in the dark in the stream. Rick just said, "Please, please come into the water with us." We did.
It was so amazing. The way they felt when we got close under the water, soft and slippery, was like I was dreaming. I'd never felt anything so nice and so close to what I'd fantasized about. All of them had... hard... hard... I guess I'll call them cocks, because "penis" sounds like a word you only read in Sex Ed books. So they were all hard.
And I said (mainly because I knew Donna was more freaked out than I was by all of this), I said, "Let's make tonight a play night... we can all go home with that nice feeling of wishing more had happened... ? Donna and I are not going to go all the way with you."
When it came out of my mouth, I couldn't believe it for a second. Who was talking? What was I, Laura Palmer-thirteen years old-doing out here in the woods like this with three naked boys nine years older than I am?
They all said okay, but Josh said, "Can we at least touch you, and maybe get a kiss?" Donna looked at me the same way she did a year ago when Maddy was talking about kissing. I told them I didn't mind, but if Donna did, they couldn't force her. Something tells me now, when I look back, that this was probably the most excited these guys had been, ever. I don't think they would have done anything bad even if we had asked for it, because they were just as scared. It was such a personal and strange night. It was like the woods got us all acting crazy, like the trees and the fact that it had gotten dark made us forget anything else existed. It was eight-thirty and we only had about an hour until we would have to go back home.
I kneeled down in the stream in front of Josh and got my hair wet. Then, I looked at him and I said, "You can touch them if you want to. It's okay." So he was real slow, and he put his hands on my breasts, which have gotten to be a good size, I think, for my age, and he shook for a second, like he was amazed. I felt like I was on top of the world. I was making this twenty-two-year-old boy go crazy inside! He touched them, then touched just my nipples, and I had a hard time not saying how good that felt, so I laughed.
Tim started touching Donna's breasts, and she just watched him silently as he did it. Rick didn't have anyone to be with so I said, "You can touch me, too... but remember, we all made a deal... right?" He nodded and crawled in the water up to me and put his mouth on my nipple. I had to close my eyes so that they wouldn't come out of my head completely. It felt so incredible! I couldn't help but think of the guy in the photo in the Book House, and even if this sounds weird, I'm going to say it.
I had the sexiest thought that he was nursing on me. Like inside me was all of the warmth and nourishment he would ever need... this older boy, needing me. I felt strong and almost like I was making a fantasy for them. Josh put his mouth on my other nipple, and Tim and Donna moved away from us a little in the water and just started talking. Then Donna got out with Tim and got dressed and just sat by the fire... talking more. I didn't care, or couldn't care. I wasn't going to stop this until I had to, it felt too good to spoil it.
I whispered to Josh and Rick that I had a wish that one of them would kiss me, real soft and slow... and that maybe the other could keep touching me the way they were doing already. Rick said Josh could kiss me, as long as he got one, too, later, or whatever.
So Josh leaned to me and got real close, and just before he was going to kiss me he said, real quiet"Softly, right?" And I told him yes. And he said, "Soft and slow.... And he opened his mouth, and I opened mine, and our tongues started to move together like we were wanting more and more... but it wasn't fast, it was slow... so nice and slow. And Rick was sucking on my nipples and making noises like he was hungry and getting fed, or like he was eating an ice cream that was delicious. No matter what he was feeling, believe me, I felt ten times better than he sounded.
I went into a dream for I don't know how long while this was happening, and it was like nothing bad ever happened to me ever. Everything disappeared and I suddenly didn't care if I never saw Donna, Mom, Dad, anyone... ever again. This warm feeling of being needed, wanted, and special, like I was a treasure... was all I wanted to feel, forever. I had no age, and there was no time or schoolwork or troubles or chores or anything to cloud my mind or bring me back to little Laura. I was ageless, and I was everything these two boys wanted. I was something from their dreams!
Rick began to kiss me next, and he was just as gentle and sweet, but had a different way of kissing. He moved his tongue and lips differently, and he would stop and bite very softly sometimes on my lips, like a tease.
I know I'm going on and on, Diary, but I have to tell someone, and Donna, even though she was there, really wasn't there the way I was. She wasn't ready for it or for the way it would make her feel. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but Donna is still more interested in being good... all the way through. Me, I think that I am being good, as much as I can, and maybe more than most people, but I've needed to forget things for a long time now... and this was an incredible solution.
Nothing more than that happened in the stream, except I did touch both of them between the legs. I was soft to them the way they were with me, and I thought it was wonderful that they were so hard, and that their hardness floated in the water... something I could only feel and not see. Just the way I wanted it. I was able to want more, but able to enjoy what I had.
Tim and Donna exchanged phone numbers while I was getting dressed, and the only thing I was at all worried about was that I was really drunk and starting to feel a little sick to my stomach. I guess Donna was, too, because Tim said, "Maybe we should help them throw up or something, so that it doesn't happen when they get home... Donna, here, is worried, you know, about how she would explain it to her parents."
I couldn't believe how cool these guys were being to us. They didn't crack one joke or make us feel like we were nothings next to them. I know we aren't, but it was nice, especially in the state we were in, not to hear anything like that. Rick said there was chewing gum in the truck's glove compartment, and if we wanted some, we could have it. I tried to picture going home the way I was, tipsy and all dazed. Throwing up didn't sound like fun, but Tim suggested it might help sober us up, so Donna and I went off and stuck our fingers down our throats. Up it came. It was awful, but I did feel better, and Donna said it was easier for her to walk after that. I said we should probably get going, and that if they didn't mind, maybe they could drop us like a block from home, either house? I thought the truck ride, and the fresh air, would help, too.
Hang on a second, Diary-Mom wants a kiss good-night.
; Okay, I'm back. Thank God she didn't see you.
When the boys dropped us off, we hopped out of the back, and Tim kissed Donna's hand really romantically, and Rick and Josh said they really enjoyed meeting her. I went to the driver's window, where Josh was, and I was about to thank him... and I guess just say whatever came out... but he stopped me. (A chill ran down my back.) He put his finger over my lips and said, "I don't think I'll ever forget you, Laura." And he smiled and Rick said, "Thanks for trusting us the way you did." They drove off, and Donna and I almost cried.
We were a block from Donna's house and we each put an extra piece of gum in our mouths and rehearsed our story. We were in the woods, just talking. We were making up stories and talking about dreams we had, and... the future.
Donna said she didn't feel like she was lying because that's what she and Tim did do. They kissed a couple of times, and Donna admitted, right before we walked into her house, that she really liked it.
I decided we shouldn't explain anything we did while we were out, unless someone asked. I've seen people overexplain things and it makes it seem like they're lying or hiding something, which we would be.
Donna's parents were asleep on the couch when we walked in, and we snuck past them and up to Donna's room. We brushed our teeth and fixed our hair a little, and before we went downstairs, we hugged each other. We didn't say a word. We just hugged. I think it was our way of saying that it was our secret, and that we were still friends, and that we were okay. We were home, and we were okay.
Donna woke her dad up and said we'd been waiting to wake him because he looked so peaceful, sleeping there leaning his head on Mrs. Hayward's shoulder. He offered to drive me home, so I called Mom, and she said she hadn't even realized the time because she was reading a really good book. She said Dad was already in bed. She said she'd wait up for me.
I don't feel guilty about what happened, but I think that's only because no one was worried, and the boys were so nice. I just can't help but get sad inside when I realize that it's over. That night is gone, and I'm Laura again. Thirteen years old, and the apple of my daddy's eye. Not with anger, but with anticipation, I look forward to being older, and on my own, with no one but me to answer to.
God bless Mom and Dad, Troy, Jupiter-rest his soul-and the boys. Josh, Tim, and Rick. Thank you, God, for giving me those few hours of... BLISS.
More soon, L
P.S. I am feeling like each time I think about tonight I change it a little bit. The boys get a little bit more rough with me each time. I get more seductive, and I make them tell me how they feel when they touch me. I make them tell me what it's like for them. I don't know why I changed it... I loved it the way it was, but when I make it again in my head, I make them do things a little nastier. I like that feeling, I like that they feel more than I do.
November 10, 1985
Dear Diary,
Last night, for the first time in ages, I slept all the way through the night. When I woke up, I couldn't even remember the dreams I had had, or if I even had any. I know they say everyone dreams all the time, but usually I remember them. Anyway, I was brushing Troy at the stables, and all of a sudden I got this image in my head of an address: 1400 River Road, 1400 River Road. I had dreamed it. I suddenly felt like I had to be there. I had to find this place and see what it was. I decided I would call Mom from the stables and tell her I was going for a ride with Troy, and I'd be back soon.
I had a little bit of an idea of where 1400 River Road was, but I just checked it with Zippy to make sure. He said it wasn't that far away, but there wasn't much there. I told him I wanted to ride out with Troy somewhere I hadn't been before. I didn't want to tell him I'd dreamed about this address and had to find out if it even existed. I was afraid he'd look at me funny, and besides, I wasn't even sure why I felt so drawn to it. I guess with all that had been happening, I felt like I should just keep quiet about it. Keep it secret, like so many other things. Zippy said to be sure to make a left when the dirt road forks off, because otherwise I would end up on a paved road, and that would be bad for Troy's hooves and shoes. I promised, and off we went.
All sorts of thoughts went through my head, and I even cried a little because I started to think about Josh and Tim and Rick, and how I would probably never see them again. I thought about how Donna hadn't called me today yet, and I was worried she was thinking I was dirty or bad or something, and I felt a very deep need to talk to her. I hope she doesn't stop liking me.
I don't know what I would do if that happened. So, I kept seeing this address in my head, each time I finished a thought, no matter what it was, and finally I found myself in front of this very old, abandoned gas station. I got off Troy and tied him up at the frame that was still there. The frame that goes around the top of the pumps. The one with the signs telling you which gas is which. Grass was growing there, and I just let him graze so I could look around.
When I walked around Troy, so that I was completely facing the station, I saw the Log Lady standing very quiet with her log, right underneath the piece of wood that said 1400 River Road. She smiled at me, and I realized I had seen her face in my dream. We didn't say anything to each other for a long time. We just stared, smiling. I wasn't uncomfortable, but I was pretty curious about what I was there for, and just as I was thinking this, she spoke to me.
She said, "I know you're feeling curious about this place and about me."
I nodded.
"A dream told me I was supposed to meet you here, so that we could spend some time," she said.
My stomach did a flip and my mouth dropped open.
"I dream like other people sometimes," she said calmly. "It just happens."
I never realized that Margaret, the Log Lady, was so nice. We sat together on the grass out in the front, and she told me she knew a lot of things about me, special things. She said I should not worry so often. If I pay attention to the things around me, these special things will come.
She would often touch her log, be silent as she leaned down close to listen to it. Most times she would smile as if she were amused, pleased. Other times, she would tell the log that she would not hear about that now. This was not the time.
The last time that happened, she turned to me and whispered, "Things are not what they seem."
She looked away, then turned back with a different look on her face, as if she were relieved we were still alone. She said she knew I had been dreaming of being a woman, and that this was good because young girls always do. Then her words got confusing... she said many things about the woods, and I tried to listen very carefully, because I trusted her and thought maybe she knew something that would help me. A lot of it seemed like gibberish. I remember it, so I'll write it down, but I don't know what it means. Maybe I'll understand it later. What I did understand made me feel so good inside, like I wasn't being bad all of this time, maybe, and that I could keep on hoping for things without being afraid that I was acting selfishly.
Here are some of the things she told me. She said that sometimes the woods are a place to learn about things, and to learn about yourself. Other times the woods are a place for other creatures to be, and it is not for us. She said that sometimes people go camping and learn things they shouldn't. Children are prey sometimes... I think that's how she said it. What else... I tried so hard to remember everything. Oh. She told me that she would be watching, and someday people will find out that she sees things and remembers them.
She said that it is important to remember things you see and feel. Owls are sometimes big. There! That was the one I had forgotten totally. Owls are sometimes big. I hope that doesn't mean my mom talked about that "Owl Dream" I had. I don't think so, but that's the only way it makes any sense to me. I hope I'll understand all of this soon. Either way, we kept sitting together, and I listened to her hum this song that I had never heard before, but I thought it was very nice. It made me feel safe, which I think she was trying to make me feel. I feel sorry for her, that people think she is strange and we
ird. She isn't at all.
I could see in her eyes that something had hurt her, but I didn't even begin to understand what it was until Mom told me when I got home. She said that Margaret (the Log Lady) had a husband who was a fire fighter. He was killed fighting a fire, and Mom said it was awful because he tripped over a root or something and fell headfirst into hot coals and burned himself to death, face first. They had just been married a little while when he died, and since then Margaret has been very quiet and has kept her pain to herself. Mom also said that she didn't have her log until after her husband died.
I didn't know any of this when I was out there at 1400 River Road with her, but it didn't really matter, I guess. I told her I thought she was a very nice and special person, and that I was glad I had paid attention to my dream, because I wouldn't have wanted to miss talking with her. I told her I hoped she was right about my life having special things in it, that I will look for them, because I want my life to be good.
Then I told her something that I hope she never repeats. I didn't even expect to say it, and to tell you the truth I didn't know where it came from. I told her that sometimes things happen that no one knows about. They happen in the woods when it is very dark. I told her that sometimes I wasn't even sure these things were real, and sometimes I think they are more real than the sun coming up in the morning, and that the thought of that frightened me very much. She looked away from me, I remember, when I finished. I thought I had said something that upset her. She grabbed her log tight, then looked back at me and said that I was a very beautiful girl, and that many people would love me in my life.
The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer Page 4
