When I die, I guess they'll bury me. I hope the cat was buried. I thought of staying there to help, but everything was too close. The body there like a message.
Maybe roadkills are more than they seem. Messages, like tonight's was... or examples we never pay attention to. This is what it is. Stillness. Eternal privacy. I didn't want to stay tonight with the guys. I wanted to go home, sleep in my bed, be a little girl again. Fake an illness or cramps and ask Mom to take care of me. Read Sleeping Beauty or Stuart Little, sip coffee while she turns pages, watches me.
I wanted that, but I knew I would end up staying at the house. Sneak in early, before dawn... beat the alarm by seconds. Strip down to nothing and slip into bed. I knew I'd tell you what happened. Simply. With a pen, and no sound. Words have been strange to me these past few days. Mine have been lies, again and again. Another comes along to help the other lie live... stay real. Bobby's words have been like little knives. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, but his surprise in my behavior, the other night, last night, the difference he sees when I get high... and there's been a lot of that. He says he never knew I was so wild inside. I think he means that he never knew I was so bad. He never knew Laura Palmer the way the woods, the trees, the earth, knew her. Often shaken and angry, threatened, paralyzed, unable to run. Or never chose to. Laura Palmer was told that she deserves pain, and a kind of closeness most people never talk or think about because they think it's wrong. Laura Palmer? She was born without a choice. Was told very quietly, one night long ago, that she would like it, or she would have to be killed.
I stayed at the house. Leo wanted me to drink something. Relax. He said he wanted me the way I had been. He said I had promised him. He'd make sure I was home in time... no one would know. He kneeled down in front of me and took me by the wrists, tight. I thought of BOB and closed my eyes. I must have winced, made a sound, something, because he said, "I knew it. I knew this meant something to you." He moved his hold on me down to my hands. Held them more softly. "Good. I knew you'd understand. I saw it." I heard Bobby' get up from his chair and I heard Leo stop him. "Sit down, Bobby. Now. Laura will get you a drink. She'll open her eyes, and we'll all have a drink."
I opened my eyes slowly. Leo let my hands rest in my lap. I stood up and went to the kitchen for Bobby's drink. I could hear the two of them talking in the other room. They started to argue about something. I think it was about me, the plans for the evening. It actually hurt my head, my ears, when they argued. I didn't want any more talking like that. I went out to where they were sitting and told them to shut up. I wanted them to shut up. I would do or say whatever tonight's "games" required. There didn't need to be fighting. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to be high. High like they were. I wanted to forget what had happened outside on the road.
Bobby came into the kitchen and told me I was lucky Leo hadn't given me a good smack for telling him to shut up in his own house. I told him it wasn't luck. I knew Leo liked me. If he hit me, ever, it would be part of the agreement.
Bobby said that he'd like to go out, just the two of us, next week maybe, on a date. He missed being with Laura. I hated him for saying that. I wanted to slap him. Instead, I told him I didn't miss Laura at all. I told him he may never see her again.
We drank for a long time just sitting there doing lines and watching Leo: I didn't know what for, but I knew I had to be ready. He might be nice, he might not. I wasn't looking at Bobby the whole time. I made sure he saw me with Leo. I didn't like Bobby's missing the sweet Laura. I can't wake her now. She doesn't like nights like this. She wouldn't want to play. I did. I needed to be someone different from her... I had to shake off whatever calls BOB to my window. Shake the scent of innocence. I decided something. I told them I wanted to go out, into the woods. Leo looked pleased and smiled at Bobby. He looked back at me, nodded toward my empty drink. "You feelin' fucked up?" I told him I was, but I didn't want to be inside anymore. I didn't like the light. I told him it made things too easy.
I started to pack up some coke for the woods, and Leo looked at me like I was stealing or something. I told him, "Listen, I stole the shit, right? I'm the one that's going to make your night... and I am not going to start to come down while I'm out in the woods." He said he was just watching me. Said I should relax. Then he came over to me, close. He said he liked it when I stood up for myself, but there would be no room for that out in the woods.
I suddenly pictured myself out in the darkness with my arms spinning me around, spinning, Leo and Bobby in my sight each time I spun... Then a slow dream of Leo, his eyes big, pleased, lips parting, his hands coming together again and again as he slowly applauded my performance.
Before we left, Bobby came out of the bathroom and said he'd decided he was tired, didn't want to be around. He said he knew that tonight was about Leo and me anyway. He said maybe he'd call me in a few days. Leo smiled as Bobby slammed the front door shut.
"Bobby's a smart boy."
I nodded, but inside I wanted to kill Bobby for making me feel bad. He wanted Laura, sweet and pure, to run after him, walk home beside him, her hand in his. He made me want her for a moment. It wasn't safe. He didn't understand how unsafe that was for all of us, especially out here. The woods needed to see me tonight. They needed to see how I've grown, what I've become. Then they can tell BOB to stay away from me. He'll think his job with me is done.
Leo came over to me and slipped his hand up my blouse, held my eyes with his, found the nipple with his finger. Held my eyes, wouldn't let me look away, said, "You won't miss him, you won't miss anyone."
He released my eyes; my legs almost gave out on me. "Take me somewhere, make me forget." I reached for his arm so that I could regain my balance. He said he had something in mind. He said it could get scary, but it would be okay. He said if he liked me after tonight, we could really start to get close. He wanted to see me tonight first, alone.
He asked me if I liked to be scared.
I said that sometimes scary things happen, but they're gone in the morning. I told him I wanted to get really hot, I needed to feel that. I hadn't felt that for a long time. I had been busy giving it.
When we left the house, he put a blindfold around my head. He whispered, "Can you feel the darkness?"
I told him I could.
He said, "Good. I'm going to take you into it. Just like you wanted. I'll guide you, so you just walk with me until I tell you to stop."
We began walking, and as we did, I felt the trees close in above me, noticed the wind, slowing, spinning until it settled, unable to return to the sky... I heard Leo breathe. Felt his hand on my back, strong. I wanted to tell him I was getting that feeling in my stomach. The one that makes you loose, makes you want things... ? But he wouldn't let me talk. He said that he would do all of the talking until he needed to know something from me. He was pretty sure, he said, that he would know how I felt without even hearing me say it.
It seemed like a long time before he stopped. And I didn't know what to do, so I waited. For his lead. When we finally came to a stop, I heard him begin to circle me, his footsteps faint on the needles covering the ground. I could feel his eyes as if they were hands, up and down, following this curve and that. He stopped behind me.
"Can you keep a secret, little girl?"
I wasn't sure if I should answer.
"It's okay. Go ahead and tell me."
"Yes. I can keep a secret."
I suddenly began to feel and smell the same deep musk of the woods. I know it well. I began to feel my fear setting in, and I had to roll my head, loosen up... fight it. Remember what this is about.
"The secret is that sometimes, right in this spot, I hear voices. Sometimes I realize that I'm not alone."
"Whose voices do you hear?"
"The voices I don't know... But sometimes, if I am very quiet, I find that I can feel these people around me. I can hear them talking about me, but if you were to try and see them, they would most definitely disappear."
"Do you hear a
ny voices now?"
"I think I hear them faintly. Coming in this direction. Does that scare you?"
"I don't think so, no." I was ready for a busload of truckers to arrive and begin some kind of strange ceremony... I suddenly felt very exposed. I wondered how many people were on their way.
"I'm going to help you sit down. Over here."
Leo sat me down and I realized I was in a quite comfortable chair, dead in the middle of the woods. What was this place? Had I ever seen it during the day? Music began to play. Strange sounds of water, and something I couldn't place... and a drum... low.
I felt it in my chest. It was loud enough that I was suddenly unable to sense by sound if someone was near me or not.
I heard in my ear, "Wait here... relax. Enjoy." I'm not sure I can even describe to you the next five hours of time. The music was constant, a rhythm that made me sway and ache for more of everything. More of the hands that were suddenly upon me, lips soft along my neck, hands on my chest, thighs, face. Voices in my ears, whispering close... backing away.
I think that there were three different women, and at least four men, Leo included. I was tied, eventually to the chair with a rope that bound my hands almost to the point of discomfort, which I knew was part of the game, and well planned. Each and every fantasy one might conjure late at night, with the exception of farm animals, was performed on, with, or for me. It was like I had been swallowed by a dream, perfect in every way. My only responsibility was to maintain my blindness and allow each person his chance to come and be with me.
I could hear them, the others who would wait in line to see me. Just voices in the woods, whose bodies became images I could hear, see them through the sounds they made... everything had become so sensitive. I could hear them all night as they would excite each other to the point of small internal convulsions, billions of tiny waves of light, water, electricity, running through them. All of them would react with a strange joy and amazement... a thirst when one would reach a climax. Even I, who sat away from them as if on display (more a trophy than a freak), felt pleasure in the sounds around my feet.
These people, all of various ages, spent evenings in the woods, forgetting names and histories, using only their most basic feelings and wishes to be held and touched, wanted, and completely accepted, no matter what they looked like, or who they were at work or school the following mornings. It was dark and strange and almost intoxicating at times. I would sway, my head heavy in this darkness. The energy was so thick, I almost felt the air separate, part slowly to let me move. Each and every nerve in my body had something to say... a scream beneath the skin, constant and much greater than usual because I could not sense it coming. I could swear there were times I was sensitive enough to feel the fingerprints of those who touched me. See them by how they felt across my skin... each pattern like light trails behind my eyes.
When I saw again, with my eyes, the image was of my house. The light across it, just before sunrise... a yellow mist of light still fighting the shade that has not finished its stay.
It took me a minute to really focus. Leo sat next to me in his truck. He said he was leaving, and that his wife would be coming back home soon. In order to meet again, we would have to plan carefully. I had forgotten about the wife. Shelley. Quite pretty. She waitresses with Norma at the Double R. So, anyway, I told him to call me. He said he had a few things I'd be needing while he was away.
He handed me a backpack stuffed beyond its limit. He warned me not to open it until I was alone. He kissed me, then watched me go in the front door, and he drove off.
I had a daydream as I made my way upstairs that Mom woke up... and asked how the orgy had been. I gave her all the details and she began reliving her own experiences of strange evenings in the woods. She wanted to call her friends and tell them her daughter had been in an orgy... and wasn't that wonderful? The daydream ended when I reached the top of the stairs and saw that my bedroom door was wide open-I stopped dead in my tracks. I looked toward my parents' bedroom. The door was closed tight.
When I turned back to my room, what I saw was horrifying!
I could clearly see a man's shoe behind my door, and then he emerged, smiling. It was BOB. With one hand he took my wrist, and the other he placed across his lips, "SHHHHHH," with one quick pull, he brought me inside the room with him. The door slammed shut behind me.
Stop. It must be a dream. I'm high. I haven't slept. Don't wake Mom or Dad now or they'll know you've been out. They'll have questions you can't answer. Think.
I'm going crazy, pacing and struggling with thoughts, words, the image of that haunting grin. Stay away from me, BOB!
I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.
Stay away from this house! Leave me alone or I swear I'll find a way to make you sorry.
CAN'T FEEL SORRY, LAURA PALMER.
Look at where I am, because of you, and your sickness, your weakness, you are an awful creature.
NO CONSCIENCE. NO GUILT. YOU SAID SO YOURSELF. I SEE YOU GOT YOURSELF FUCKED LAST NIGHT. AN OWL TOLD ME. REALLY INTO THAT COKE, AREN'T YOU? DIRTY GIRL, LAURA PALMER. YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT YOU CAN'T IMPRESS ME... I'M NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR LITTLE COKE FRIENDS. YOU ALL LOOKED RIDICULOUS, OR SO I HEARD.
Get out of my head. Now!
NAH.
Leave me alone, you sick bastard. How dare you! I don't want you here! Get out! Get out! I'm tired of accepting you all the time... I hate you. Leave!
IT ISN'T UP TO YOU, LAURA PALMER. YOU SHOULD WATCH THAT EGO. QUITE UNBELIEVABLE.
Fuck you.
CRYING ISN'T GOING TO STOP ME FROM STAYING EITHER. I'M IMMUNE TO YOUR EMOTIONAL, ADOLESCENT, FUCKING, LESBIAN WHORE WHINING AND SELF-PITY. I'M THE BEST THING IN YOUR LIFE.
You aren't. It's not true!
ISN'T IT?
Stop lying to me. I have better things in my life than you. I know it.
OH, YES? NAME ONE.
My parents.
DOUBT IT. THEY HAVEN'T KEPT ME FROM GETTING TO YOU, HAVE THEY? NEITHER ONE TALKS TO YOU THE WAY THEY USED TO. THEY STOPPED CARING A LONG TIME AGO. THEY PUT UP WITH YOU. NOTHING MORE. I'M BETTER.
Donna.
THE "BEST FRIEND" YOU NEVER SPEAK TO? THE ONE YOU LEFT BEHIND IN EXCHANGE FOR DRUGS? YOU ARE SADLY MISTAKEN.
I have myself. Me. I'm better than you are!
NO. I HAVE YOU. YOU BELONG TO ME. YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING I DON'T ALLOW YOU TO DO. I RUN YOUR LIFE, AND I STEER YOU AS I WISH.
No!
STILL HERE.
You are not real! I refuse to believe that you are real! I am only imagining you... I make you... I'll just stop! You'll have to leave if I stop believing!
TRY AGAIN. I'VE BEEN HERE FOR YEARS AND YEARS. YOUR BELIEF DOESN'T MEAN A THING. YOUR OPINION IS NOTHING. THINK ABOUT IT. LOOK AT YOUR LIFE. YOU GO FUCKING AROUND WITH PEOPLE. DRUGS ALL THE TIME. YOU'LL BE SIXTEEN SOON. YOUR LIFE IS SHIT AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN SIXTEEN YET. LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE FOR YOURSELF. YOU ARE NOTHING.
What... do you want?
I WANT YOU.
Why? What for!
ENTERTAINMENT. I ENJOY WATCHING YOU FIGHT THE TRUTH.
What fucking truth!
YOUR LIFE IS WORTHLESS TO EVERYONE, INCLUDING YOURSELF. I DO YOU A GREAT FAVOR. I TEACH YOU. YOU OWE ME YOUR LOYALTY. YOU OWE ME EVERYTHING.
I owe you nothing.
I'M THE BEST THING IN YOUR LIFE.
Goodbye!
I'LL BE HERE.
Fuck you.
SOON. YOU WILL.
Stop.
SEE YOU IN THE DARK... LAURA PALMER.
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck You! Stay the fuck away from me this time. You're in my head. No one else sees you or hears you so you must be in my head. I'm not letting you back into this room. Never. You are only an idea. You are a fear. You are only my little girl, fear of the woods, creation!
See! Can't come back now, can you!
You have no power if I don't give it to you... This time I'll keep you away. This is my life! It's mine! Y
ou have no place here... Ha!
I have work to do. Sleep to get. You are dead. You aren't even a memory.
Laura
P.S. WATCH THE WINDOW, LAURA PALMER.
December 15, 1987
Dear Diary,
I am sorry I have not written in so long, but I've been working so hard! There is so much you don't know!
First of all, I decided to make a deal with the Hornes. I realized, when I was up there last, that Johnny seemed lifeless, unattended to. Sad. So I proposed to them that I would tutor Johnny, three times a week, spend at least an hour, hour and a half with him, reading, talking, etc for a small amount of cash weekly. They loved the idea, and have agreed to pay me cash, $50 a week, $200 a month.
The money helps me a lot with the coke, but it's mostly nice to be around Johnny because he loves me no matter what I do when I'm not around him. He doesn't hurt me or tease me or want to sleep with me or tie me up or cut me or any of the millions of things I feel like people do to me all the time... Always touching me and taking something, always wanting more, and more and more.
All Johnny wants is for me to read to him. Sleeping Beauty is his favorite. He likes to rest his head in my lap and look up at me as I read to him. We take a moment every so often to look at the pictures, and I will sometimes have to explain the pictures, as well as some parts of the story, in a way that Johnny will better understand them. He often gets this very confused, lost look on his face, as if he is afraid he doesn't understand anything. I always stop when I see him feeling that way and go over it with him.
The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer Page 10
