by Rachel Aaron
Tina gave him the quick version how they'd narrowly avoided getting slaughtered all through the Deadlands, fighting Grel, and their subsequent deal with the Order of the Rising Sun to get back to Bastion.
"Damn, girl," Cinco said when she finished. "That's a hell of a tale. Y'all sound like some real-life heroes and shit. Glad we decided to be friends and not enemies."
Tina laughed. "Same here. I can't tell you how glad I am to have another group of well-equipped, max-level people around. All the folks we rescued are basically useless."
"So where to next?" Cinco asked. "I heard you mention the bank."
"You know somewhere better?"
"Can't say that I do," Cinco said, his face breaking into a grin. "Since our bags were all FUBAR, I hadn't even considered trying the bank, but that's a damn good idea."
"Thanks," Tina said proudly as the very last of her raiders went by. "If you're on board, what do you say we go make a withdrawal?"
Cinco's grin grew wider as he swept his arms in a comically elaborate bow.
"After you."
***
Unlike most other big player-important buildings, the Great Vault of the Schtumples was down by the river, well away from the castle on its hill in Bastion's lower city.
The buildings here were decidedly shorter and more practical than they'd been by the castle. This made the streets much less claustrophobic and canyon-like, but the cheap all-wood construction meant that the fires here had been burning unchecked for three days. Most of the houses and shops were now nothing more than smoldering piles of black logs, a far cry from the cheerful, airy, white-washed facades and colorful awnings that Tina remembered.
It was also more violent.
Aside from the camp by the castle, Tina and her raiders hadn't seen any patrols on their walk to the Royal Mile, probably because, with all the players there slaughtered and the Room of Arrivals supposedly locked down, Malakai and his knights considered that section of the city already secured. The farther they pressed into the southern part of the city by the river, though, the more patrols they ran into. Mostly they were Bastion City Guards, who were lower level than the Royal Knights and instantly recognizable due to their garish-yellow tabards.
They always ran when they saw the raid, and for the most part, Tina let them. It saved ammo and mana, and she felt sorry for the terrified level-sixities in their thin chain mail. Only one squad had held their ground, bravely defending a family of terrified NPCs from the players. Rolling her eyes, Tina ordered a pair of Berserkers to stand there and look menacing until the raid had passed before letting them go. But that was just for the guards. The Royal Knight patrols, they always killed on sight, shooting down the heavily armored men before they could raise the alarm.
They also picked up more players. Malakai's knights had used the transition to slaughter the players in the upper city, but they couldn't be everywhere at once. Most of the people down here seemed to have survived, and they were doing everything they could to keep it that way. They found a whole party of level-eighties when they triggered an ambush meant for the NPC guards and nearly got shot because of it.
Cinco was delighted when he saw how well they'd set it up--and how many rations they'd stolen from the City Guards--and instantly invited them to join his guild. Glad to no longer be alone, the new players had said yes without hesitation, making Tina wonder if she shouldn't also be trying to recruit since her Roughnecks were still ten short of being a full raid--eleven now, since KatanaFatale was dead. But as keen as she was for more firepower, she didn't want to grab just anyone off the street. Fighting with someone required a certain level of trust, and she wanted to get to know new members before she let them in, if only to make sure they weren't crazy or stupid, because she'd had enough of that.
But while each of these interruptions was small by itself, together they made for very slow going. The scattered groups of Royal Knights operating in the lower city seemed hell-bent on fucking with Tina's army at every turn. Once it became clear that they couldn't get near the raid on their own, squads started teaming up to stage hit-and-runs, often using captured players as bait for traps. Eager to help, lots of raiders broke rank and strayed from the main group straight into ambushes.
After almost losing several of her more aggressive members, Tina put Killbox in charge of a six-person task force to go and hunt the knights out before they could cause more problems. She got Cinco to do the same, deploying Shankfest and five other Red Sands guild members to watch the raid's flank. It was nerve-wracking to hear the clash of arms and roar of spells echo from nearby streets, but at least the ambushes stopped, and the army was finally able to make progress, grinding their way slowly toward the bank.
Then, just when Tina finally thought she could see the huge gray monolith of stone that marked the top of the Great Vault of the Schtumples, aka The Bank of Bastion, through the smoke, she felt something enter her shadow.
The sensation almost made her jump out of her stone skin. Her sword was out before she knew she'd drawn it, and she whirled around, nearly chopping ZeroDarkness in half in the process.
"Christ, dude," she exclaimed, lowering her blade as the jubatus Assassin threw his hands up in surrender. "Don't do that!"
"Sorry, Roxxy," Zero said, chest heaving as he panted. "SilentBlayde does it all the time, so I thought--"
"Yeah, well, that's because he's SB," she said grumpily. "I'm not used to other people, as you can see, so please pick another shadow next time." He nodded rapidly, and she sheathed her sword with a wince. "Sorry about that, by the way. Now, did you have something to report?"
The Assassin pointed down the road ahead of them. "Next intersection up, there's a big statue of the Buffoon King that's been toppled over. A bunch of people are waiting behind it in ambush."
Tina scowled. "Players, I assume?"
"Yeah," he said, looking around at the still-intact block of wooden houses and shops they were walking through. "I haven't seen a guard patrol in the last quarter mile, and all the side alleys in this area are loaded with traps. I think this is someone's territory."
"Right," Tina nodded. "Thanks, Zero."
The Assassin saluted and disappeared back into the shadows. When he was gone, Tina went to find Cinco, who was walking in the middle of the raid, flirting with Zen, who looked excessively annoyed.
"Any idea who this might be?" Tina asked as her lead Ranger bolted. "I thought you said you were the largest player faction in the city."
"It's not like we have a Facebook group for Bastion survivors," the red-plated Berserker replied with a shrug. "There's a lot of small, scrappy bands that have formed up over the past couple of days. They aren't guilds. I'd call them parties, but they're really more like gangs. Random people sticking together for survival."
"Right," Tina said, hefting her shield. "Well, I'm not making the same mistake twice. We roll in with everyone this time."
Pausing the march, Tina called in the anti-Royal Knight response teams before advancing. When they were all back together, she ordered everyone to keep their weapons down but stay ready for combat since they didn't know what was coming. When she was certain everyone understood and no one was going to be stupid, she gave the order to march forward.
Despite being at the head of an army that was now nearly three hundred players strong, Tina had to stiffen her back before stepping into the crossroads. As ZeroDarkness had said, it was a large square with a two-stories-tall granite statue of Bastion's King Gregory Heraldsford, affectionately known as "The Buffoon King." The statue was supposed to depict the gallant and handsome king holding the famous Dawnblade aloft, but someone had pulled it over, smashing off the king's head and turning his muscular body into a barricade that filled the entire length of the square. The square was also, so far as she could tell, empty.
"Where are they?" she whispered to ZeroDarkness, eying the quiet buildings and empty windows.
"Everywhere," he said from the shadows.
That wasn't
reassuring, but whoever was here, there was no way they outnumbered the army that was now squishing itself into the square. Remembering Killbox's PVP rules, Tina climbed on top of the toppled statue to show them who were the strong ones here.
"We know you're there!" she bellowed at the empty buildings. "Come on out!"
When no one answered her, Tina scowled in frustration. Then she noticed that the barrel Frank was standing next to had a tail sticking out of it, and that gave her an idea.
"ZeroDarkness," she whispered. "Tell Frank to tackle that barrel and bring it to me."
She didn't know if the Assassin was listening or not, but a few seconds later, Frank jumped. The Knight shot her a baffled look, but Tina nodded and mimed a grabbing motion. Shrugging, Frank slung his shield onto his back and turned to grab the wooden barrel in a huge bear hug. There was a yowl of panic, and then a jubatus priest in tattered white robes jumped out of the barrel and tried to scamper away only to realize that she was surrounded.
"Bring her here," Tina ordered.
Several raiders jumped to obey, tackling the priest to the ground.
"Whoa, guys!" Tina said. "Bring her nicely, please. We're not a Mad Max--"
"They've got Jenna!" someone cried from the empty buildings around them. "Everyone out!"
The air was instantly filled with the sounds of weapons being drawn. Not just by her people, but by dozens and dozens of players emerging from every conceivable hiding place all around the square.
Tina moved a hand to her sword but stopped just short of pulling it. There were a lot of players, more than she'd thought those buildings could hold, but this was nothing like the terrifying ambush setup by CincoDeMurder. Many wore high-level armor, but no one seemed to have weapons beyond "rock" or "board with a nail in it." They were all dirty, ash smeared, and gaunt from lack of food. From the way they were shaking in fear, Tina guessed that a lot of them had been making do alone or in smaller, less resilient groups up till recently. But while they were clearly new at this, they stuck together admirably, forming a pretty nice formation around the square.
"Hold it, hold it," Tina called, waving her empty hands. "Everyone just chill. We don't want to fight."
The Roughnecks and Red Sands players didn't look like they necessarily agreed with that, but they lowered their weapons. Tina looked around at their pathetically armed attackers. Her glare intimidated one ichthyian player into to lowering his board-with-rusty-nails-in-it.
"Who's the leader here?"
"I am," someone with a smooth for-radio voice said.
Its owner, an elf with glittering gold hair, stepped out from a shadowy doorway a few moments later, and Tina's jaw fell open. The elf was dressed from head to toe in the most expensive vanity items in the game. Though they were filthy and ripped, there was no mistaking the Mountain Mist Gray Business Suit or the Elegant Top Hat, which, despite its lack of stats, was the most coveted headpiece in the whole game. He was also wearing a pair of smudged Ruby Shades--an item that could only be won through the Summer Fun Lottery--and carrying a solid-gold cane, which wasn't actually rare but so expensive to make that it might as well be. He still looked every bit as haggard as the group he claimed to lead--all except for his hair, which was perfect, giving more credence to Tina's belief that all elves possessed a secret racial ability called "Permanent Good Hair Day"--but he held himself with such arrogant poise that it didn't seem to matter. It was clear he considered such small matters as dirt and lack of food a temporary inconvenience, a category Tina apparently fit into as well, given the way he stared up his perfect nose at her.
"And who are you?" she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Ladies first," he said with an arrogant half bow.
"Fine," Tina huffed, standing even straighter on top of the downed statue of the king. "I'm Roxxy, leader of the Roughnecks guild, world's first slayers of the Once King's Blood General during FFO." That last part wasn't technically true since she'd killed the Blood General with her actual Roughnecks, not the mishmash raid they'd had to cobble together after the game had turned real. But she'd liked Killbox's epitaphs earlier, and she wasn't about to be outdone by some snooty elf in a top hat, so she kept going. "We're also the people who defeated the Once King's army led by Grel'Darm the Colossal yesterday."
There were some serious oohs and aahs at that announcement, and the well-dressed elf clapped politely. "I know you, Roxxy," he said, pushing back his battered top hat to smile at her. "You and your guild have bought many of my pan elixirs and raiding supplies over the years. But I don't think you know me."
"Should I?" Tina asked. "Did we do business face-to-face?"
"Only through the auction house, I'm afraid," he said, leaning on his cane. "That was a very good introduction, but please--" He looked out at his people. "Won't someone tell her who I am?"
At that request, Tina saw a schtumple Knight--a diminutive, pug-eyed character who looked like a ball wearing plate armor--run out into the middle of the square, waving his stubby arms as he shouted in a game show announcer's voice, "He's the man who was once called the richest player ever! The FFO billionaire, the elven High Warlord of Economic PVP, the Earl of Elixirs, our glorious leader, guild master of the East Bastion Trade Company... Assets!"
The elf spread his arms dramatically while the crowd of ragged players he commanded dutifully hollered and cheered.
Down in Tina's army, CincoDeMurder rolled his eyes. "You mean the price-gouging dick?"
Tina recognized the name as well. "Wait!" she cried, suddenly furious. "I know you! You're the asshole who cornered the elixir market and jacked up all the prices! We've been paying through the nose for consumables all expansion because of you!"
"Guilty as charged," Assets said proudly, giving her a mocking grin. "I'm delighted to see that my reputation for being effective precedes me."
"How come you're in charge of all these other people?" Tina demanded. "Last I checked, you were level fifteen and your 'guild' consisted of you and your storage alts. Don't tell me you're paying them to follow you."
Assets stamped his golden cane down with a ptack. "Madame, please. No matter what the circumstance, a good businessman can always find assets to control and leverage to his advantage, hence my name. While most players keep worthless things like severed heads in their backpacks, mine contained nothing but valuables. Even after this unfortunate incident destroyed my inventory, I still had several stacks of potions to pull from, and potions are power." His shiny grin grew wider. "I could go into the tale of how many lives my elixirs have already saved, but I don't like to brag. As you can see, there are plenty who owe me their lives, so we should move on to more interesting topics, such as what we can do together."
Tina didn't want to dignify that with a response, but now that she knew who she was dealing with, it was impossible to brush the elf off. He wasn't on the world raiding charts as she had been, but Assets was a legend in his own way. She'd seen screen shots of his guild bank online. The dude had thousands of every crafting material, potion, magical food, and tradable legendary item in the game, and that was something she could use.
"All right," she said, putting her hands on her hips. "The Roughnecks are mercenaries now, so since you're a business guild, we should make a deal."
"I love making deals," Assets said, his tone loaded with innuendo, which Tina ignored.
"I know you've got maximum stacks of everything useful, plus a literal mountain of gold--"
"One-point-five billion gold, to be precise," Assets said, preening. "But you were saying?"
"I was saying," Tina continued, flashing the elf a smirk of her own, "you're famous for having all this wealth, but you can't get to it, can you?" She nodded at his hungry and threadbare troops. "You've gathered a pretty good group with what you had in your bags, but if you could get to your vaults, you'd all be fat, happy, and decked in gold. You'd also be forted up inside the bank, and not out here hiding in empty buildings. Since this isn't the case, I'm betting you
can't get in, can you?"
"Alas, we cannot," Assets admitted with a helpless shrug. "The Schtumple Bank is no longer welcoming to anyone, even such an esteemed client as myself."
"Well, we're about to change that," Tina said, waving at her army before nodding at the bank, which she could now see just a block away. "We're gonna crack that sucker open and take back what's in our vaults. You have a hundred times more crafting materials than the next ten wealthiest players put together, even the Roughnecks' own guild vault. Promise us thirty percent of that, and we'll make sure the rest of your wealth is returned to you after we've conquered the bank."
"Outrageous!" Assets shouted, his ethereally handsome face turning scarlet. "You want thirty percent to 'give' me back what is rightfully mine? That's no deal. It's robbery!"
"You have zero percent right now, pal," Tina reminded him. "And one-third is cheap for hiring the best--and only--people in the world who can get it back for you."
Assets's face pulled into a scowl, and then he chuckled. "That's the most mercenary line of thinking I've ever heard," he said with a sigh. "I only wish I'd thought of it myself. But I'm afraid this whole discussion is moot."
"Oh?" Tina said.
Assets pointed over his shoulder at the bank. Thanks to all the smoke, it was still hard to see through the haze even this close, but if she squinted, Tina could just make out the familiar five-story gray monolith of ancient stone that marked its face, its surface reinforced with magic that prevented any cracks or seams. The only way inside were two doors made from the same indestructible sun-metal as her armor and shield. But while that much matched what she remembered, the towering army of golden golems standing in front of it was new.
"Holy shit," Tina said, jerking back. "Are those the ones that are normally inside?"
"The same plus friends, I'm afraid," Assets said sadly. "Now you see our dilemma."
