by Harley Fox
He begins to pace around while Emily and I sit on the couch, watching him. He’s not looking at us, but after a few seconds he goes toward the phone.
“I should call Sal,” and he picks it up, dialing a number. Emily leans over to me.
“Wanna go to my room?” she asks, and I nod. So we get up, Emily taking a moment to get into her crutches, and leave together for Emily’s room.
When we walk in she shuts the door almost all the way closed. Then she walks over to her computer chair and sits down while I perch myself on the edge of the bed.
“That was weird,” Emily says in a low voice. “I didn’t think Jake would get so serious and upset. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“I think it was a good idea to tell him what you saw,” I say to her. “At the bar last night things got kind of … heated about the Bullets, so it’s good for Jake to be on the lookout for anything that might happen.”
Emily nods.
“Yeah,” she says. “You’re right.”
I wait for her to say anything more, maybe talk about the Chains or Jake, but she doesn’t. I try lightening the mood back up.
“Uh, is it all right if I see the rest of your pictures?” I ask, and Emily looks up at me, a wan smile on her face.
“Yeah,” she says, and she takes the camera from around her neck, handing it to me.
The thing feels heavy — like it has a purpose. I hold it with both hands and flip through the pictures on the screen, honestly impressed by every one of them I see.
“Seriously Emily, these are really good,” I say to her.
“Merryn?” Emily says, and I glance up to see her looking at me.
“Yeah?”
Emily shifts a little in her seat, looking uncomfortable.
“Do you think I could do whatever I want?”
I blink, looking at the girl.
“Of course, Emily. Yeah.”
“You know,” she drops her gaze for a moment, “I was thinking about what you said yesterday. About not caring what other people think about me.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah. And I was thinking about it with the pictures, and I was thinking as I took pictures of people on the street … that it must be nice, not to care whether or not someone took a picture of you. Not to care about what they think.”
“Right, yeah.”
“And so, I was thinking …” Emily says, still looking down, still not meeting my gaze. “Would you mind … taking my picture for me?”
I raise my eyebrows.
“Oh, sure!” I say. “Yeah, of course Emily. I mean, yeah.”
I smile, honestly caught off-guard by Emily’s request. She looks up and smiles in relief.
“Great,” she says. “So, um, I was thinking, maybe just like something like me sitting in this chair? Just kind of, like, looking like I’m doing some work or reading or something?”
“Yeah, that sounds good,” I say. I look down at the camera’s buttons and I’m instantly confused. “Um, how do I …”
“Oh, here,” she says, and she shows me what to press. “And put that strap around your neck, too.”
“Right,” I say, and I do as she says.
“Okay,” she says, and she grabs a book off of her desk, opening it up. But when she looks at it her cheeks turn red and she turns the book around. “It was upside-down,” she says with embarrassment. Shaking her head, “Okay, should I hold it like this? Or maybe, down here?”
“Um,” I say, lifting the camera up to see her. “Down is good, it looks like you’re just relaxing.”
“Okay,” she says, and she does what I say. But then her cheeks color again. “Sorry. Sorry, this is just weird.”
“I know,” I tell her. “But it looks great. Just hold that pose for a second.”
“Okay.”
I focus the camera and take a picture, Emily holding the pose stiffly and looking much too formal. When I lower the camera down she relaxes and closes the book, putting it back.
“Let me see,” she says, and I bring the camera over and hand it to her. She goes to view the pictures and I watch her face as she finally sees herself. She’s silent for a moment when she sees it, her expression as unreadable as her brother’s can be.
“How’s it look?” I finally ask. Emily stares down at the screen a moment longer and then looks up at me. Without a word she hands me the camera and I take it from her, bracing myself for what I’m about to see. But when I look at the picture on that small screen, all I see is Emily sitting in her chair, reading a book. There’s nothing unflattering about the lighting, or the pose, or anything. You can see her twisted arms and legs, of course, but they don’t take the focus like you might expect. When I look up from the screen I see Emily watching me, a strange glimmer in her eyes.
“What do you think?” I ask her. And Emily smiles a watery smile.
“I think it looks great,” she says. “I never thought I … could look like that.”
“Like what?” I ask.
“… Normal.”
I can’t help but smile back.
“Do you want to try another one?” And Emily nods.
“Sure,” she says.
So I put the camera back around my neck while Emily picks up her book again.
We take several pictures in that pose, and then Emily decides to try out another one where she’s looking out the window. We move around the room, Emily trying different things out. As I take more and more pictures she gets more into it, feeling more and more comfortable. After half an hour there’s a soft knock at the door and Jake appears, telling us in a kind voice that lunch is ready.
Emily and I leave her room and join Jake at the dining table, where he’s heated and served out some leftovers.
“Did you talk to Sal?” I ask as we all sit down.
“Yeah, I told him what you told me,” Jake says, looking at Emily. “Sal says we should watch our backs in case the Bullets try something in the next day or two. But hopefully, Merryn, they’ll wait until after you’re gone.”
Jake looks at me and my heart sinks to the bottom of my chest. After I’m gone. I’ve tried ignoring that annoying and inevitable fact, but Jake is right: at some point I’m going to have to leave this place and go back to my old life. Really, I’ve only known Jake and Emily for a day, but it feels like it’s been so much longer than that. Like I’ve known them for forever … or like I’ve always belonged here instead.
We finish our meal and it sits heavy and comfortable in my stomach. Emily gets up to wash the dishes and Jake says he’s going to watch some TV. The thoughts of my old life remind me of Lindsay so I say I’m going to text a friend and get my cell phone out of my purse. I sit back down at the table and I go to my text messages as Jake turns on the TV. I find the one with Lindsay and begin typing:
-Hey. You there?
She responds almost immediately:
-Yeah! How’s your second day there?
I breathe a sigh and look over at Jake. Even now he looks amazing, and I swear I can feel a connection between us. I begin to tell Lindsay everything, everything that’s happened yesterday and today. I finish with the threat from the Bullets and Lindsay writes back:
-Oh my God Merryn, that sounds serious! Are you guys in danger?
-I don’t know. I hope not. Nothing’s happened so far, but Jake definitely seems concerned.
-Craig didn’t say anything about you not being here. When I asked him he said you called in sick.
I grimace. I haven’t thought about Craig all day. Lindsay sends another message:
-So this Jake guy … is he still as good in bed as the time at the bar?
I glance over at Jake again and feel butterflies in my stomach.
-Better.
-Ugh, I’m so jealous! You get your own little adventure AND great sex for two days while I’m stuck here at boring work.
My smile starts to fade.
-Yeah, it’s a pretty great getaway.
-But it’ll be
good to come back, right? It sounds like things are scary in that part of town.
I stare at the screen, tapping the side with my finger. I reply:
-Yeah.
-Oh shit, I forgot there’s a meeting. Gotta go, see you tomorrow!
-Bye.
Lindsay’s gone and once again I feel my heart sink to the bottom of my chest. My own little adventure. And it’ll all be over tomorrow. Then back to boring work. Part of me doesn’t want to go back. Part of me doesn’t want this to end. I look over at Jake again and now he just looks alone, sitting there in front of the TV. I get up and put my phone away, then go to join him. When I sit down it feels like I’m sinking into the cushions.
Jake has shown me something I didn’t even know existed, and he did it all just by being himself. Just by living his life. It’s only been a day and a half and already I know that things will never be the same. When I go back to work tomorrow I don’t know if I’ll be able to just lie down. Just take whatever life gives me, like I have been so far. Because now I’ve seen what it’s like on the other side of things. Without PharmaChem. And if you ask me, it’s not that bad.
I breathe a sigh. This is all so tiring. My head feels heavy and I feel sleepy from that meal. I settle deeper into the couch, feeling it envelop me like a cocoon. Jake’s a few inches away from me so I shuffle closer to him, leaning my head against his arm. He doesn’t react, but he doesn’t pull away either, so I stay there, resting.
I hear Emily finish up the dishes and the sound of her crutches picks up again. But they get quieter as she goes back to her room. My eyes feel so heavy it’s like they have weights on them. Everything is so warm and comfortable, and Jake feels so nice sitting next to me. I snuggle up closer to him and put a hand on his leg. His hand moves over top of mine and encases it. People’s voices drone on and on from the TV, but I’m not following any of it. I feel my eyes getting heavier, and then they slit shut as I fall asleep.
Merryn
In my dreams I feel Jake beside me as we both walk down a concrete sidewalk. All around us is the city, but there’s nobody else here. Cars sit in the street abandoned; the stores and restaurants look empty. I look over at Jake and he’s staring straight ahead. His walking stride is big and I have to hurry to keep up.
When I see what’s ahead of us my heart jumps in my throat. Looming in the distance is PharmaChem, the giant steel-and-glass monstrosity bearing down, their infamous logo pasted to the front of the building, the name blasted across the top.
I grab onto Jake’s hand, trying to stop him, but he keeps walking. It’s like trying to stop a moving car. My feet drag on the sidewalk but it makes no difference. I’m pulled along with him.
“Jake!” I try to yell, but my voice dies the instant it passes my lips.
And then I look forward again and there’s Craig, standing just outside the building’s front doors. He’s smiling that hideous smile and I see his cock standing hard out of his pants and he’s smiling right at me, and when he opens his mouth all of his teeth are pointy. I try to pull harder at Jake but he just keeps on going, never stopping, never looking back.
And when I look in Jake’s other hand I see that he’s carrying something. It’s a long thing, made out of metal. It takes me a moment to realize it’s the shotgun he got from that other gang. As we get closer to PharmaChem I watch as Jake lifts the thing up and points it directly at Craig.
“Jake, no!” I try to scream, but it’s too late. Fire bursts out of both barrels and a moment later a deafening CRACK! splits the air.
I jolt awake just as the thunder outside rolls itself away. Gasping for breath, I watch rain hammer down against the dark window while inside the TV flickers light over me.
But not over Jake, because he isn’t beside me. I look around and find him standing with his back to me, holding the cordless phone to his ear. He’s talking in a low voice and is drowned out by the TV, but still small snippets of his conversation float to my ear:
“… haven’t heard anything yet …”
“… don’t know, Sal. Won’t they try …”
“… right, whatever you think is best …”
I sit there, watching him, and as I do my head starts to feels heavy again. I blink slowly and feel my eyelids stick together. It feels so warm in here, and now that I know Jake is still with me I don’t feel so scared. I keep watching him but he gets blurrier as my eyelids make their way closed. I lean my head back and then I’m asleep again.
This time I’m not on a sidewalk but at the bottom of a hill in the middle of a vast meadow. All around me is flowing green grass, as far as the eye can see. This place looks familiar. I’ve been here before. I’ve always been here. I look up at the top of the hill and there are my parents, standing, looking down at me and calling my name:
“Merryn! Come up here, honey! Come on, baby!”
I start to walk up the hill, but it’s steep and I can’t get a good foothold. They keep calling my name, though, and so I keep trying to climb, even though I’m hardly making any progress.
I look up, exhausted, and they’re still smiling down at me, but their eyes look angry now. It scares me and even though I don’t want to get closer they keep calling to me, so I keep trying to climb. But the hill is still too steep, and now the ground is giving way underneath my feet.
“Come on, Merryn!” my mother shouts down to me. “Just do it! Come up here!”
“Mom, I can’t!” I try calling back as another step finds me no purchase.
“You’re disappointing us!” my father calls down, and a pain shoots through my heart that I haven’t felt since I was in high school. It hurts me, but still I try to keep climbing as they keep calling down to me.
But then I look over, and it turns out that the grass doesn’t go on forever. To the side there’s a cliff edge. It must have always been there. I just didn’t notice it before. And beyond it there’s … I can’t see what’s beyond it.
That’s strange. I stop trying to climb the hill and turn toward the cliff instead, but my parents call down louder now, angrier:
“Merryn! What are you doing?!”
“Merryn, you stop that this instant! Don’t you go over there, Merryn! Come back here!”
I walk toward the cliff edge and even though my parents are yelling at me I do my best to ignore them. I get closer and closer, and inside I feel both frightened and excited. I reach the edge and look over, but the drop goes straight down. And just beyond that … beyond that …
My parents are still yelling, and I know they’ll never stop yelling. But this cliff … this cliff has something that I want so badly. I didn’t know I wanted it until just now. And even though it might kill me, I summon up all my strength and I take a step forward.
I begin to fall off the edge of the cliff.
And when I look down everything is gone. I look up, behind me, but everything there is gone too. The meadow, the hill, my parents, all of it. And now I’m falling. Falling and falling. I try to grab onto something but there’s nothing to hold onto. Inside I know I’m going to die, I know I’m going to die and this was a big mistake. I made a big mistake and now I’m going to die because of it. Because I chose the wrong thing and now my parents are going to be mad at me and now I’m going to die!
But then I see Jake, down there at the bottom. He’s looking up at me and he’s smiling, and I smile when I see him. Because he’s there and for some reason I always knew he would be there. And as I keep falling I see him lift up his arms and I know he’s going to catch me. He’s positioned in just the perfect way.
And just before I reach him my eyes fly open and I’m no longer surrounded by darkness but instead by flickering TV lights. The volume’s been turned down so I can barely hear it and it’s stopped raining outside. I lift myself up and realize that there’s a blanket covering my body.
I hear the sound of a phone being put back in its cradle and look over to see Jake turn back to the couch. He stops when he sees me looking at him, but continu
es a moment later, coming back to join me.
“What time is it?” I ask, my mouth tasting weird.
“Late,” Jake says as he sits down. The couch cushions shift under his heavy weight.
“Were you talking to Sal?” I ask.
Jake turns his head and looks at me a moment. Then he says, “No. That was Johnny. He says he just finished the last coat of paint and it should be dry by the morning. Ready to drive out of here.”
It takes me a moment to remember who Johnny is, but when I do my heart sinks. I look around at the windows. It’s still dark out.
The room feels strangely close right now. The only light is coming from the TV. I wrap my arms around me underneath the blanket and lean my head down, resting it on Jake’s shoulder. He’s stiff at first, but after a moment I feel him relax. He slides one massive arm out from between us and wraps it around me, and I put my head on his chest instead, his hand cradling my side.
We sit like that for a moment, with Jake’s fingers trailing up and down my arm. This all feels so … conclusive. Like it’s ending and there’s no way for it to go back. Which I suppose is what has to happen, but … I don’t want it to. Do I? It’s only been two days but already I feel completely different to how I was before. Before I came here. Even before I met Jake in the bar. If I’d never gone out that night, would any of this ever have happened?
I reach over and stick my arm out from underneath the blanket, laying it on Jake’s chest. He feels so warm, and his muscles feel so hard. My head rises and falls with his breathing. I can hear his heart inside his chest.
“Jake?” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. He gives a small grunt in reply. “What’s going to happen tomorrow?”
He’s silent for a moment. And then he says, “Johnny’s going to come by with the car. And then you’re going to take it and drive back to work.”
“And … after that?”
Again, silence. It’s a long moment before he says, “There is no ‘after that.’”
I feel my throat tightening up already. That wasn’t the answer that I wanted. Doesn’t Jake want me? Like how I want him?
His hand on my arm gives me a little squeeze.
