by Barbara Goss
Carter looked down at her. He knew his desire was evident on his face and in his eyes. He groaned and kissed her again, putting every bit of what he felt for her in the kiss.
He’d kissed Hope a few times, but never like this. They’d never lain side by side either. Their courtship had been extremely proper. Now he was torn between right and wrong.
As their kiss intensified, so did their longing, but it gave Carter time to think. What would the consequences be? How would she feel about him afterward? How would making love change their companionship? Would he still feel like the honorable person he tried so hard to be? Could he live with himself after taking advantage of her?
He slowly pulled away.
“I accept your gift, but not today, not now. It has to be right,” he said.
She studied his face, closed her eyes and sighed. “You’re right, of course.”
He leaned up on one elbow. “Last year I visited my folks in St. Louis. They have a baseball team called the Cardinals. My father took me to a game, but it rained so hard the game was canceled. I was so disappointed, but then the people at the gate handed out tickets to all the fans—they called them rain checks‒and with them we'd be able to go to the next game.
“I’d like a rain check for that gift. When the time is right,” he said.
“Did you ever get to see the baseball game?” she asked.
“I did; two days later.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
“I enjoyed every second of it, just as I know I’ll enjoy your gift when the time comes.”
Susannah traced his lips with her finger. “When will that be?”
“I’ll let you know,” he whispered. He gave her a quick peck on the lips. “But for now, we need to stop tempting ourselves.”
Carter wondered if she was eager to make love to him because she felt gratitude for all he’d done for her. He didn’t want her gift if it was the result of gratitude. He wanted it to be for love.
Susannah studied his handsome face as she traced his lips with her finger. Those lips were magical. Never had she experienced such a wonderful feeling as his kisses. They'd made her stomach turn flip-flops. She wanted more—a lot more—but thank goodness he was being cautious. He was right, though: it was wrong, she knew it was, but she'd been taken off guard by her emotions. Had it not been for him, she was sure she’d have gone all the way. She loved him, of that she was sure, but was Cecilia right? Was it pity he felt for her? Was that why he wouldn't make love to her, because he pitied her, but didn’t love her? She couldn’t imagine living a single day without him, and if he didn’t love her back, she didn’t think she'd be able to cope with it.
He released her slowly and sat up. “How are you feeling? You were pretty sick yesterday.”
“I feel better. I don’t know what hit me. I awoke during the night, sweating and cold at the same time. I think it may have just been a day long bug, because I feel good today.”
“You had me scared,” Carter said.
“But you’re a doctor; I was in good hands.”
“My medical courses were brief. I majored in mental illness.”
“Nonetheless, you did a fine job.” She looked down at her dress. “Hey, I didn’t have this on yesterday. I had the blue one on. How did that happen?”
“I had to dip you into the river to bring down your fever. Then I had to get you out of the wet dress and into a dry one,” he said.
She gasped. “No!” She felt the blood rush to her head in embarrassment.
“Don’t worry. I did it carefully and didn’t see a thing I shouldn’t have. I kept the blanket over you at all times. I was rather proud of myself, in fact.” He grinned, while she blushed.
Of course, he did, Susannah thought—ever the gentleman. Was there another man as honorable as him anywhere else in the world?
Carter stood. “Well, Susannah, today we rest and relax. Is there anything you’d like to do?”
“Wash all our clothes, lay them out to dry, and then I think I’d like some meat for dinner, if you wouldn’t mind finding a good target in the woods,” she said.
“I think I can handle it, but will you be all right, alone while I hunt?”
“I will if you leave me a gun. I promise not to shoot anyone, but I can fire it in the air if I need you,” she said.
“Good thinking!” he said. “Let’s tackle that laundry first, then.”
Susannah found it a bit more difficult to work alongside Carter since their embrace and kiss. She wanted more; she needed more. Her eyes kept moving to his lips—where she wished her lips were—and his chest—where she wanted to rest her head. He bent over to pick up the soap he’d dropped, and she even found herself admiring his firm backside. He was so perfect. Was she suddenly turning into a Jezebel? What could possibly be wrong with her?
They finished the laundry and laid it all out for drying. When they were done, Carter handed her a loaded pistol and showed her how to fire it, and lay it down by her folded bedroll.
“Don’t use it unless it’s an emergency. Fire in the air and I’ll be there before you know it, but I don’t think I’ll have to go far to find a plump rabbit or squirrel.” He winked.
While he was gone, she sat and gazed out at the river. It really was a lovely spot. Forget Oberlin and St. Joseph—how she wished they could just stay out here forever. Everything she wanted out of life was right here, in this very spot. They had clear water, a great view, shelter from the trees surrounding them on three sides, and the only man she’d ever want beside her.
Things would change once they'd reached Oberlin. The desire to go there had long since died. The last thing she wanted or needed was to live life secluded, start working the land from scratch again, build a house, and deal with her cousin, Harry.
The thought that Carter would leave her once they'd reached Oberlin gave her a panicky feeling, but she knew he would, to save her reputation. He would never ride into town with her—of that she was sure. What could she do to keep him with her? The thought of what had almost happened this morning made her realize that if it had happened it might have resulted in him proposing, he was just that type of man. The question was, did she want him to love her, or to propose just to save her reputation? She wanted him to love her, but she had no idea how to make it happen.
She heard a single gunshot in the not too distant woods and she smiled—dinner was on its way. She built up the fire and awaited Carter's return.
He soon appeared holding up a turkey, of all things, smiling like a little boy who had earned his first A, and it made her laugh.
It made for the perfect dinner, at a perfect place with the most perfect person.
“You could have at least made some stuffing,” Carter said, with a wink.
“It was the most delicious treat. What should we do with the leftovers?” she asked.
“Let’s put them in a cloth bag and set it in the river. Unless a predator comes and eats it, we’ll have it for breakfast.” He helped her wash their plates and metal utensils.
“It more than made up for the Thanksgiving dinner I missed in November,” she said.
That evening they sat side by side before the fire. Carter felt mesmerized by the flames and the feeling of completeness he felt. He had no desire to move on. When they reached Oberlin, he’d have no choice but to leave her. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to just leave her, not now. They seemed to go together like turkey and stuffing, or ham and eggs.
Carter studied Susannah as she gazed out at the fire. What was she thinking? Was she hoping to reach Oberlin soon? Was she anxious to reach home and her cousin? She slowly turned to look at him, and before he realized it, they were kissing. It hadn’t been planned, and he had no idea who'd initiated it. They ended up falling backward, lying hip to hip again.
This time, Carter didn’t need to think. He broke off the kiss and stood, his hands in his pockets. “Time for bed, Susannah.”
“Can we talk about this?” Susannah asked, softly.
“Talk about what?” he asked.
“What’s happening between us,” she said.
“I feel the same way as you do. I love kissing you, and I love holding you, but we aren’t married. It isn’t the right time, Susannah.”
“I couldn’t agree more and I admire you for twice being the strong one.”
“Believe me when I tell you, it wasn’t easy. Even now I’m tempted to lay back down with you and continue with what we’d started. I’ve never wanted anything this much in my life.”
“Why can’t we then? Who will know?” She stood and put her arms around his neck. “I want you so much, Carter.”
He gazed down at her and saw the passion on her face and in her eyes. He couldn’t resist—he bent down and kissed her, long, and filled with a frenzy that came from deep within him. He loved her so much.
She returned the kiss with as much fire as he, and she pressed so close that he could barely stand it. Finally, he broke the kiss. “I love you too much to violate you no matter how much I want to,” he said with breathlessly. “You have no idea.”
“Oh, but I do, because I love you just as much,” she said.
He drew her closer. “Will you marry me?”
“Yes,” she answered him without a moment’s hesitation.
He kissed her again, this time, more tenderly. “I’ll get my map and see where the nearest town of a substantial size is located. We’ll marry there, if you’re sure.”
Susannah laughed. “I’m very sure. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“Not gratitude, but love, right?” he asked.
“I’m grateful to a lot of people, Meg, Seth, my cousin—but I don’t want to marry them. What about you? Are you sure it’s love that you feel for me?”
“Oh, I’m very sure,” he said.
“It's not because you feel pity for me?” she asked.
“Pity? How can I pity someone who just nabbed the best catch this side of the Mississippi?” he asked with a smile.
Susannah laughed. “And that’s why I love you.”
“I felt pity for every patient at the hospital, but what I felt for you was different. In you, I saw someone who was strong, but beaten by fate. You didn’t need pity, you needed a helping hand, and when you got the helping hand, you took it, and used it to help yourself.”
“Oh, Carter!” she reached up and hugged him. “I don’t want to go to Oberlin.”
“You don’t? What a coincidence! I don’t either.”
“Can we stay right here for a while and then go back to St. Joseph?”
He looked down into her eyes, so full of love and hope. He hated to break the news to her, but he had to. “No, we can’t, my love.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because I’m going to marry you at the nearest town, first. Then, we’ll spend our honeymoon right here, and then go back to St. Joseph as a married couple.”
Susannah thought she might swoon on her feet and she tightened her hold on him to keep her balance. “That sounds heavenly!”
Chapter 14
Carter and Susannah made their way to a place called Washington, Kansas, where they found a small church, and asked the minister there to marry them. He helped them obtain a license, and then he married them after a short conference in order to ascertain they were both believers, and that they were truly in love. He read them a few scriptures about marriage and then performed the service with his wife and her brother as witnesses.
Susannah would never forget the look in Carter’s eyes, or his wide smile when the minister pronounced them man and wife, as she was able to read his love there, plainly.
They rode back to the Blue River and tried to find the very same spot where they’d camped before. Carter had driven a stake by the river there so they’d be able to find it again. When they finally reached it, the sun was dipping down below the horizon.
Carter rushed around securing the horses and unpacking, while she gathered firewood; they had the camping routine down pat.
Was she imagining it or was he rushing more than usual so they could begin their wedding night sooner? She hoped so, because if he kissed her like he did before, there’d be nothing to hold her back from giving herself to him completely. It was almost as if just being married wasn’t enough—the wedding didn’t seem valid without the absolute commitment, the total giving to each other, and she felt as anxious as she knew he must be.
She gathered the wood, placed in the fire pit, rolled out their bedrolls, side by side, and then waited for Carter to return.
When he finally joined her, Carter started the fire with his flint, and then pointed to the bushes. “Hurry, Mrs. Harding, before it’s too dark to keep my eye on the bushes for you.”
She grabbed her blue sleeping dress, and scrambled into the bushes to do her toilette, and slip on her dress. She was so nervous and excited her fingers fumbled on the buttons.
Carter fanned the flames as he watched the bushes to make sure Susannah was safe. His wife. How he loved calling her that. He felt like the luckiest man alive. He was anxious to consummate the marriage, but something was bothering him. He was afraid she’d think he'd married her just to make love to her, or owing to a physical attraction. That was what it seemed like, after all—they had come so close yesterday—and then to run off and get married so quickly afterward, it might seem to her as if he did this all only for the pleasure of having her, finally, in that way. That image left a sour taste in his mouth. He had to find a way to show her that he truly loved her, and that he'd married her for no other reason than to have her at his side for the rest of his life.
He knew what he had to do, but when he saw her coming toward him he almost changed his mind. She looked so lovely, and just the thought that she was now his, and he could touch her anywhere, and possess her, completely, made his whole body respond. She was beautiful, she was honest, she was a pleasure to be with, she was tough, (except where Indians were concerned), and she was all his.
He sat down on his bedroll. She’d been sitting by the fire waiting as he took his turn in the bushes. He took her hand and kissed it.
“I love you so much, Susannah,” he said.
“Show me,” she whispered provocatively.
He pulled her down and covered them both with the blanket, and she snuggled into him, her arms around his neck.
“Sleep well, sweetheart. Goodnight.” His kissed her forehead.
“You’re joking, right?”
“No, I’m not.”
“But this is our wedding night. Aren't we supposed to—?”
“Not necessarily.” He held her face in his hands, and he rubbed her cheeks with his thumbs, staring intently, as as if he were memorizing her face. “Right now I just want to enjoy holding my wife in my arms knowing that she’ll be there for the rest of my life. I want you to know that it’s you I love. I didn’t marry you for our physical pleasure. I married you because I can’t live without you.”
“Did you know, Susannah,” he said in a half-whisper, “that you are most beautiful, honest, sincere, hardworking, and affable person I know? You are the best companion, and I’ve loved every moment spent with you. I can’t just make love to you and let you think I married you just for that, even for a moment.”
“Hold me, then?” she asked.
“Always,” he answered. He hugged her to him. “I want to fall asleep with you in my arms and awaken in the morning with you still there.”
“I love you, Carter,” she said. “I felt disappointed that we weren’t going to consummate our marriage tonight until you explained why. That is the most unselfish, romantic, and honorable thing to do.”
“Go to sleep, my love,” he said.
“But we haven’t said our prayers. I always pray before falling asleep, and now that we’re married and as one, as the Bible says, I’d like it to be something we do together every night. Could we?” she asked.
“Absolutely. But only if we can do it while in ea
ch other’s arms because there’s no way I’m letting you go.”
“We can. I’ll say it tonight, and tomorrow it’ll be your turn.”
“All right.”
“Dear Heavenly Father, thank you, for helping Carter and I find each other. Thank you for sparing me last fall. Please bless our marriage, bless our union, and our joining—when we have it—and keep us in your Word. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”
“How about a quick, chaste kiss?” he said.
She touched his lips softly.
“Hmm,” he said. “Just you wait until tomorrow night.”
Susannah felt a chill sometime during the night. She opened her eyes to see that Carter was no longer beside her. She sat up and saw him hastily throwing dirt on their fire.
“What are you doing, Carter? We’ll freeze—”
He shoved a pistol into her hands. “Quick, run into those bushes and don’t come out, no matter what. Even if you see me shot or hurt – stay in the bushes!”
“All right,” she said feeling fear creeping into her body. “Can you tell me why?”
“I couldn’t sleep, and I heard a gunshot, saw a few glints of metal in the moonlight, and heard voices. It could be nothing more than some harmless, drunken cowboys, or it could be desperate men running from the law…and what they could do to you would be ten times worse than death, Susannah, so stay in there in the bushes, no matter what, because if you come out, I swear, as much as I love you, I’d rather shoot you before I’d let them have you.”
Now she was terrified. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. “I love you, Carter.” She ran into the bushes, grasping the cold gun.
It wasn’t too long after she'd crouched on the ground behind the bushes that she saw Carter roll up her bedroll and hide it in some bushes. He yanked her saddle off her horse—containing all her personal belongings—and tossed it into another copse of bushes. There were two cups setting by the fire and he quickly tossed one of them into the bushes. She assumed that his goal was to erase all trace of her.
