by Claire Raye
“No, not yet. How about Mila?”
“Sorta. She’s in there being all pissed off at me.” I glare at the bedroom and even though I’m thoroughly annoyed with her right now, it will pass. This is just how we are and in an hour, we’ll be back to normal.
“I mean, I get what she thought was happening,” Caleb says. “You can’t act like what we’re doing doesn’t look like hooking up.”
“Yeah, I know, but it’s nobody’s business what we’re doing. Even if we were hooking up, it’s still not their business.”
Mila doesn’t know the full details of why Caleb and I have been sharing a bed because it’s not my story to tell. Caleb doesn’t need the world knowing he’s struggling to sleep. He doesn’t need people knowing he has nightmares and finds comfort in having me close. It will get misconstrued and cause unnecessary drama.
“Thanks, Ruby,” he now adds, his words a little quieter. “It feels like everyone who looks at me knows I’m fucked up. Like they can tell I’m different on a daily basis and I know I am. No day is the same and sometimes it feels like I cycle through a million different emotions. People can see it on my face, in my body language.”
“So what,” I insist. “Let them talk about you because until they’ve experienced it, they don’t get to judge. If sharing a bed with me makes your day better, then I don’t give a shit if Mila or anyone else thinks we’re hooking up.”
I’m still hungover and crabby, and I begin shoving eggs into my mouth from the plate Caleb has just set down in front of me. There’s a scowl on my face as I eat and Caleb laughs a little.
“You’re pretty fucking cute when you’re pissed,” he says, smiling at me.
“I’m not even trying to be cute. You should see when I’m trying,” I tease him, smirking now.
“I’m pretty sure I’ve seen every side of you, Ruby and they’re all perfect.”
Why does he say things like this?
Is he trying to make me fall for him?
“How’ve you been feeling?” I ask, changing the subject, wondering if he’ll even answer me.
“I’ve been okay and I think the extra sleep I’ve been getting is helping. I’m getting more comfortable at work and here,” he adds, motioning around the kitchen. “But I still have moments where I feel…” He stops speaking and I know he’s not searching for the right words. He doesn’t want to admit out loud that he’s having panic attacks. I’ve seen it. I’ve watched him leave a room and hide out in the bathroom for ten or fifteen minutes, returning with a damp face and shaky hands.
“Do you know what triggers them?” I ask, again not saying the words.
“No, I honestly have no idea,” he confesses and even though I know that’s not true, I don’t push it. He knows what triggers them, but saying it out loud can bring on those same feelings.
“Would you consider writing down what happens when you have one? Almost like journaling so you can kind of figure out if things are connected or if it’s just random?” My words are questions rather than suggestions. I don’t ever want him to feel like I’m intruding.
“That’s not a bad idea. Maybe I’ll give it a try,” he says, nudging my foot gently from under the table.
“What’s not a bad idea?” Sienna asks as she pads out of the bedroom, rubbing her eyes and taking in a few deep breaths.
“Oh, nothing. Caleb and I were just talking about—”
He cuts in and for a second I think he’s actually going to talk with Sie about what’s been happening. He hides it well from her and I know it’s because he doesn’t want her to worry. She pushes the therapist idea several times a week and he has to be getting sick of it.
“Going to the beach,” he slips in. “You guys should go to the beach.”
Sienna picks up her phone and begins to check the weather. It’s early November now and even though this is California, the water of the Pacific stays quite cold.
“Yeah, we should. It’s supposed to be pretty warm today. But one thing,” she says, a dramatic tone to her voice.
“What’s that?” I ask, intrigued by her ability to make an unfinished sentence interesting.
“No more fucking booze. I feel like shit.”
We all laugh, and I don’t even bother voicing my agreement on this. My bloodshot eyes and dry, blotchy skin say enough, and even though Caleb didn’t drink like we did, his laugh suggests he’s been here before. But now that I think about it, he doesn’t ever really drink too much, which is probably for the better. He seems to be far more self-aware than most people in his shoes.
“You want to come with us?” Sienna asks, turning to look at Caleb. She doesn’t want him alone all the time, but I do think she needs to give him his space. He needs to make friends here and establish his life so he can slowly return to normal.
“Nah. Thanks for the invite though. I think I’m going to see if I can find a gym to join so I can start kicking Ruby’s ass on a more consistent basis.” He’s smirking at me and it’s so natural and beautiful and for a split second I wonder if maybe he’s doing better than I’m giving him credit for.
“Kick my ass at running? Please Caleb Parker, you wish,” I challenge him back, hitting him with a hard stare.
Sienna shakes her head and tsking just a little in mock disappointment. “You two…”
Chapter Fourteen
Caleb
The girls finally leave for the beach around midday, none of them moving very fast on account of their hangovers. After hanging around the house for an hour or so, doing nothing and with no sign of Reid, I eventually decide to go for a walk into town in search of a gym to join. Despite running on a regular basis with Ruby, I feel like I need to start lifting some weights, too.
As I stick my earbuds in and head outside, I can’t help but think back to early this morning when Ruby showed up at Reid’s place, drunk off her ass but still apparently wanting to sleep with me. I hadn’t questioned it too much, a part of me grateful she was there because of the comfort she always brings me. And even though I could smell the alcohol oozing out of her, I’d still managed to sleep through the night without any nightmares.
It’s like she’s become my security blanket, this girl I’ve only known for a few weeks now, yet who somehow manages to bring so much peace to my life. I don’t know why or how to explain it. I just know I need it; need her.
When I reach the address of the gym I’d found online, I head inside to check it out. It’s a huge converted warehouse, filled with cardio machines, a weights section and a backroom where they must run fitness classes.
The girl at the front counter offers to show me around, smiling and attempting to make small talk with me as she points out all the features of the gym, including the locker rooms. I can tell she’s flirting with me and while once I would’ve totally been up for flirting back, today I’m not in the mood.
“So do you want to get a workout in?” she asks, smiling as she reaches out and touches my arm.
I instinctively pull it away, her touch making my heart beat a little harder but not for the reason she might want it to. “Sure,” I say, nodding. “Thanks.”
Her smile widens. “You need any help with anything?”
I shake my head, offering her a quick smile as I stick my earbuds in and wander over to the weights section.
I spend an hour in there, keeping to myself as I run through a series of reps on the bench press and other weight stations. It feels good to actually lift again although I know my body is going to be sore over the next few days, given how long it’s been since I did this.
After I’m done, I wander back to the front counter to sign up for a membership, the same girl who showed me around the place helping me with the paperwork. Again, she’s all smiles and random touches as she watches me fill in my details, but I don’t give her anything more than a thanks and a wave before I’m out the door and jogging back home.
When I get back to the house, I pull out my phone to text Reid, see if he’s back. But just as
I’m typing out a message, a car comes flying down the street and I turn to see who it is…
… tires screech…
…a loud noise…
…someone screams…
…bang…
My heart starts to pound in my chest, smashing against my ribcage so hard I feel like it’s going to tear through it. I clutch a hand to my chest, as though I can somehow hold in it, as my body doubles over, a wave of fear washing over me.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
The screaming in my head is deafening, the pounding of my heart filling my ears as a sheen of sweat breaks out over my skin. I feel hot and cold, clammy and frozen, all at the same time.
My phone falls from my hand, bouncing at my feet and I try to pick it up, my hands shaking so hard, it takes me three attempts just to grab it.
Fuck, I need to get out of here. Need to get somewhere safe.
Now. Now. NOW.
I fumble through my bag for my keys, my head buzzing with a strange noise that I can’t shake. My heart continues to pound in my chest as my breathing grows ragged, every breath of air I try to suck in feels like I’m underwater, barely able to pull in any oxygen.
Where the fuck are my keys?
Another shout comes from the street and I fall against the front door, my body almost crashing to the ground as I drop my bag, spilling its contents. I finally spy my keys and grabbing for them, I jam them in the front door, before pushing it open.
I rush inside, gripping my phone and my keys so tightly as I slam the door closed behind me and re-lock it.
I run to the bathroom, closing the door behind me and falling into the shower stall. I crouch down in the corner, holding my head in my hands as blackness starts to overtake me, my vision blurring, my heart still pounding in my chest.
I can feel myself starting to freak out, convinced I’m having a heart attack, my breathing growing more and more ragged as I struggle just to get air into my lungs.
Fuck. What the fuck is happening to me?
I can feel the cold tile at my back, the hard, wet floor beneath me as I drop my head between my knees, rocking back and forth, trying to breath, struggling for air, my heart pounding and pounding and pounding and…
“Caleb?”
My name. I hear my name said, the sound so distant.
“Caleb?”
Something touches me and I flinch, my elbow slamming into the tile wall. The pain shoots up my arm, but I barely register it.
“Caleb, it’s okay. You’re okay.”
I can feel the weight of a hand as it rests against my back, slowly moving, the feeling soothing, warmth radiating through me.
“Take a deep breath for me,” the voice says. “In through the nose and out through the mouth, nice and slow.”
I do as the voice says, the comforting sound somehow breaking through all the noise in my head as I breathe in deep before slowly exhaling.
“That’s right, nice and slow. In through the nose, out through the mouth.”
I do it again, my lungs filling with more air this time as another hand touches my arm, fingers curling around my bicep as a warm body presses against me.
“You’re okay. I’m here.”
The voice is closer now, right against my ear, that feeling of warmth covering me, almost like a blanket, as the words make their way into my head, soothing me. I force myself to keep breathing, my eyes closing as my head falls onto the warm body beside me.
“I’m here,” it says again. “I’ve got you.”
I don’t know how long it takes, but eventually my heart starts to slow down, my breathing becoming easier as the noise in my head gradually starts to recede. I feel exhausted, my limbs like lead, my head now filled with a dull aching feeling.
“Are you okay?”
I force my head up, my eyes meeting Ruby’s, which are filled with concern. “What…” I swallow hard, my tongue thick, my mouth dry. “What are…”
“Shhh,” she says, her hand brushing over my cheek.
Her fingers move through my hair, pushing it back, as her other hand rubs slow circles on my back, her body still pressed against mine.
“What…” I try again, clearing my throat as I force the words out. “What are you doing here?”
Ruby smiles at me, her fingers pushing through my hair to the back of my neck, where they gently start to massage now. I let out a groan, my eyes closing as my head drops. She kneads at my neck, slowly unknotting the tension.
“I think you might have had a panic attack,” she whispers, her lips pressing to my temple.
I groan in frustration, wondering when the fuck any of this is ever going to stop.
“It’s okay, Caleb,” she murmurs, her mouth still against my ear. “You’re okay.”
I shake my head. “I’m not,” I moan. “I’m so fucking far from okay, it’s not funny.”
She wraps her arms around me now, holding me to her, my head resting on her shoulder. “It’s okay that you feel this way,” she says, kissing the top of my head. “It’s okay, Caleb. None of this is your fault, but it will get better. With time and talking and help, it will get better.”
I bury my face against her neck, groaning into her. She smells of sunscreen and the beach and it’s got to be so much nicer than how I currently smell.
“I need to take a shower,” I murmur.
“You need some help?” she asks and I chuckle a little, surprising myself as I hear Ruby let out a laugh too. “All PG, I promise,” she says, squeezing her arms around me.
I lift my head, my eyes meeting hers. She looks back at me with so much concern and sympathy in her beautiful brown eyes. It reaches in and takes hold of my heart, which aches with wanting all of this to be so fucking different to what it is right now.
I lift my hand to her face, cupping her cheek. “Thank you,” I whisper, leaning in and pressing my lips to her forehead. I linger against her, kissing her once more as I lower my head, my lips finding her cheek, her jaw. Ruby angles her face toward me, our mouths so close now as her lips brush against mine.
It’s barely a kiss, but in this moment, it is so much more.
I do it again, brushing my lips lightly against hers this time.
She lets out a small gasp and when I reluctantly pull away, I see her eyes are closed.
I brush my thumb across her cheekbone and her eyes open. They’re dark now, her pupils dilated, the sympathy long gone and replaced with something else, something much more intriguing.
I swallow hard, wishing to fuck I could do more, say something that explains how much I want this, but how fucked up I know it would all be because I’m such a fucking mess.
“You okay?” she asks, offering me a small smile.
I nod.
“Everyone’s back. Reid too,” she says. “Why don’t I go change my sheets and you can have a shower and then lie down? I’ll tell them you’re taking a nap,” she suggests. “You have the perfect excuse considering I threw my drunken ass at you.”
I let out a little laugh, my thumb tracing her cheekbone again. “I didn’t mind,” I tell her, my voice low.
Ruby smirks. “Right, and the puking after was the icing on the cake, right?”
I shrug. “Not like you haven’t just seen me lose it.”
“Caleb,” Ruby says softly and the way she says my name has my heart flipping inside my chest, my body longing for so much more.
“I’m gonna try and stand up,” I say, knowing we can’t just stay here like this, as much as I might want to.
Ruby unwraps her arms from me as she helps me up. “Okay?”
I nod, pulling my wet t-shirt off and throwing it over the glass shower door. “I’m okay, thank you.”
She doesn’t move straightaway, the two of us standing in the small shower stall, our bodies close and me no longer wearing my shirt. Now my head is clearing, I finally see what she’s wearing: a tiny pair of shorts and on top, nothing but a bikini top, her breasts barely covered by the fabric.
&nbs
p; I have to bite the inside of my cheek just to stop the groan as a jolt of lust shoots straight down my spine to my dick. There’s not a chance in hell she can help me out now, not now that I’ve seen her like this.
“You okay?” she asks, her hand on my chest, palm flattening against my skin.
I nod, taking her hand and lifting it to my mouth. I press a kiss to her knuckles, before turning so she can’t see what this is now doing to me. “I am, thank you.”
She doesn’t say anything more and I hear her moving behind me, the sound of the bathroom door now closing, leaving me alone in the shower.
My body no longer consumed by a panic attack.
But now filled with want.
For her.
Ruby.
Chapter Fifteen
Ruby
I close the bathroom door behind me, my back falling against it softly as my heart races in my chest. My body is so tense it feels like it might snap, but I don’t want Caleb to know he scared the shit out of me. That will only make things worse for him, give him something else to worry about.
I’m so glad Sienna and Mila are still outside with Reid because there’s no way I could pass off my reaction to Caleb’s panic attack as anything but concern. I’m sure Caleb doesn’t need Sienna flying in here and asking him a million questions, even if her heart is in the right place.
I came in here to tell Caleb that there was an accident outside the house and the people were screaming at each other. It was like live reality TV and only entertaining because clearly no one was hurt. A minor rear-ending because someone was on their phone or whatever and given the speed limit on our street is only twenty-five miles per hour, no real damage happened. It doesn’t mean people aren’t completely irrational.
But what I found instead was Caleb cowering in the shower, his body shaking and his eyes wild and unfocused, and suddenly nothing about the situation unfolding outside was important. Every instinct in my body said to protect him, to keep him safe from whatever he feared, and if that meant climbing into the shower with him then I would’ve done it. I did do it.
