by Claire Raye
It’s about helping him move on, not falling victim to ideas and thoughts that may never amount to anything. No good can come of indulging his fears and we both realize that.
I pull him closer, consumed in him, wanting to be more exposed and open, I push him back, my hands resting on his chest. He needs to feel how much I need him, how much we need each other. This isn’t just about him, but about me too and the way my life has changed since he came into it. I feel like I have someone who understands me, someone who will be here through all the good and bad things that happen in my life.
I’ve never felt like I belonged to someone like the way I feel with Caleb. All my life I never realized I would suddenly find that a piece of my life was missing and I would find it in a guy. My connection to Caleb is intense and all-consuming, but I don’t care. I want our attachment to swallow me, to drown me, to consume me.
Caleb falls onto his back and I straddle his hips, looking down at him, my lips swollen and every nerve in my body on fire. I shift so he’s inside me again, both of us moaning out loud, my head falling back as I enjoy the moment. I never want this closeness to end.
“Start moving, Ruby,” Caleb whispers, his hands gripping my hips, the warmth of his fingers searing my skin. And do I as he says, moving up and down slowly, riding him as his eyes focus on mine, watching me, watching my body move above him.
The way his eyes trail over every inch of my skin sets me on fire and the sheen of sweat that now graces his chest has me moving faster, building to our ending.
“Caleb, I…” I start to say, wanting to tell him I love him, but something about it feels scary, like I’m making things move too quickly, even though we can both feel what is happening between us.
We move even faster, Caleb’s hips now pushing up to meet mine. The sound of our labored breathing and soft moans filling the room, and then we’re both coming, groaning in pleasure.
The air between us is calm, the room dark and even though our breathing is still coming hard and fast, there’s a sated feeling of exhaustion and peacefulness.
While he’s still inside me, my hand trails over his chest, resting against his heart and I feel the quickened pace of it beating. Without words, the love between us swells, growing until the emotions pass between us without saying the words.
“I’m going to sleep well tonight,” Caleb says, breaking the silence as he pulls me toward him, kissing me softly, his lips lingering against mine.
That’s all I want for him. I want him to sleep soundly, to find his peace and if that’s within me, and what I can do for him, then we’ll do this every night.
“So will I,” I whisper back, my lips brushing his as I smile against his mouth. “I don’t care if we never keep normal hours and if I wait up for you and we have sex every night at midnight as long you’re next to me when we fall asleep.”
“I’ll always be here, Ruby. You’re my everything.”
I wake several hours later to the sound of movement, the sound of feet walking through the house. The floor creaks in spots in the kitchen and while the house is old and during the night it tends to make noise, what I heard was definitely not that.
I roll over and find Caleb’s spot empty and my heart instantly drops into my stomach and recovers seconds later, pounding hard and fast in my chest.
I hate when he wakes in the night and leaves our bed. It’s a sign he’s stressed and can’t find the words to share it with me. He’s still learning to cope and when sleep won’t come, he either tosses and turns, worrying he’ll wake me, or he leaves the bed.
But leaving never leads to sleeping. I’ll find him on the couch, the TV playing at a low volume while he stares at it, almost unaware it’s even on.
These are the times I worry about him the most because without some sleep, even just a little, his rational side tends to wane. These are the times I try to intervene and get him to talk to me, and as much as I hate to admit it, it’s my desperate attempt to talk him off the ledge.
He’s never taken it so far that I fear for his safety, but there have been a number of days where he can’t function normally. He struggles to get out of bed, to keep normal hours, and I know his job doesn’t help with that, but it’s something he needs. He needs the structure and stability, so if he’s still in bed when I get home from class, I make him go running with me or at least get outside.
There’s something about tonight that feels different than the other times I’ve found him on the couch. There’s a panic that seizes my chest, tightening painfully, predicting an outcome that has my heart pounding.
The house is dark when I quietly walk out of the bedroom and down the short hallway, through the living room and into the kitchen. The only light glows dimly from under the cabinets, something we started leaving on since Caleb moved in.
The back door to the house is open and back porch light is on, and for a split second I consider running to get Reid. But everything about that feels wrong, like I’m tattling on Caleb, like I don’t trust that he might just need a second to himself.
Despite the racing of my heart and the sweat that has now begun to dot my forehead, I walk toward the back door in the hopes of finding Caleb in the alleyway.
I’d be lying if my thoughts weren’t suddenly consumed with that silver Audi from this morning. My hands grow clammy and my breathing is shaky. In my brain is that car, and I’ve created what the person behind the wheel looks like. Something I pieced together from Reid and my conversation and have now decided has to be the reality of the situation.
Caleb isn’t safe out here and I find myself practically running out into the alley and when I call out his name, my voice is shrill and unnaturally loud in the stillness of the night. When he doesn’t answer, I find myself gasping for air, a whine leaving my mouth uncontrollably.
“Caleb!” I call out, my words loud and echoing and there’s no way Reid, Sienna or neighbors can’t hear me by now. I’m now running past the small garage at the edge of the alley, my legs shaky and my heart racing.
“Ruby?” he finally calls back, my name a wash of confusion on his lips. “Ruby, what are you doing?” I can hear him, but I don’t see him until I turn around and find him standing behind me.
I want to run to him, cling to him for dear life, but I try to gain control of myself, not wanting him to see the panic I feel now winding its way out of my body.
I’ve overreacted and nothing good can come of that, but I’m so relieved to see him. I have to suppress the tears that want to flood my eyes. He can’t know I was frantically looking for him and if he does, I’m not sure I can keep the conversation I had with Reid a secret.
I hate the way I reacted. The last thing Caleb needs right now is my manic ass adding fuel to an already on edge fire.
When I reach him, I swallow hard and find myself not breathing, and it takes everything in me not to gasp out loud and suck in air.
“Seriously, Ruby. What are you doing out here?” he asks me again, his eyes wide as he looks me over, checking to make sure I’m okay. I can only hope I’m a good enough actor to convince him I’m fine.
“I woke up and you weren’t in bed. I came looking for you,” I say, trying to control the shakiness that seems to scream loud and clear in my own ears.
“You sounded scared when you called my name. You sure you’re alright?” He slings his arm over my shoulder and guides me back toward the house as if we aren’t standing outside in the alley behind our house at three o’clock in the morning. Everything about this moment feels weird and unnatural.
“Yes, I’m fine. I guess I was still sort of asleep when I came out here,” I lie, shaking my head. “It sort of felt like a dream, I guess.”
“Okay,” he responds, but it feels like he doesn’t believe me either.
“What were you doing out here?” I’m afraid of his answer and I feel my ragged breathing returning as I wait for him to respond.
“There was someone out here.” His words are said with such certainty, w
ith such conviction that I find the need to shoot off a rebuttal immediately even though I know it’s the wrong thing to do.
“There was no one out here.” The way it comes out is defensive and I look away from him as we walk back into the house. “You’re just…” I stop myself before going any further because I know what I’ve just done.
I’ve invalidated his feelings. I’ve made him feel like he needs to second guess himself and I’ve placed it in his head that he’s crazy. I can see all of this by the look on his face. His eyebrows are pinched together, his lips set in a firm line. And even though I’m silently telling myself to pull it together, my throat begins to burn with the start of tears.
I burst out crying and not because I want him to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to deflect what I said and in turn have him comforting me. The fear has turned me into a big fucking mess and I need to apologize to him immediately.
“Ruby, baby, what’s the matter?” Caleb asks, pulling me into his arms, the look of anger now gone and all I can feel and hear is sympathy.
“I’m sorry,” I blubber out, sobbing into his chest, my tears soaking him. “I never should’ve said that to you. I never should’ve made it sound like…”
“Ruby, please. It’s okay. I just want to know why you’re so upset.”
I want to confess everything to him. I want to tell him I worry someone from his past is after him and now they’re after me too. I worry he’s not stable enough to hear something like that. I worry he’s too on edge to handle anything out of the ordinary even though he seems okay.
His response to me asking him why he was outside in the middle of the night was so calm and controlled that I’m starting to wonder if maybe it’s me who’s overreacting to things. Caleb hasn’t overreacted to anything, but I’m sitting here waiting for him to.
I’m the problem. Not him.
“I’m just tired. I was worried when you weren’t in bed,” I admit, because I was worried about him not sleeping, but then things changed.
I’m letting my own fears cloud my judgment and make me a panicky mess, but not only that, I’m not trusting Caleb to make sound and logical decisions.
Maybe there was someone outside, actually after what happened this morning, I have no reason to doubt him. But telling him that is something that walks a fine line and may add to his fear of being stalked.
“Let’s go back to bed before we wake up Sie and Reid,” he now says, his hand falling to the small of my back as he guides me back toward our bedroom.
“Why did you think someone was outside?” I ask, as we lie down next to each other in the dark, my breathing returning to normal, my tears now gone.
“I heard someone talking outside the window. I listened for a few minutes and when it didn’t stop, I went out to look. There was a guy pacing in the alleyway on his cellphone. He saw me, waved a hand in apology and went into a house a little ways down.”
Everything about what Caleb says is logical and normal, and even he doesn’t seem worried about it. The way I reacted was wrong and stupid.
“I’m really sorry I started crying and…” I stop, steeling up the courage to admit to him I was scared. “And I was scared. I was scared something had happened to you. I worry so much about you, Caleb, and I know that’s stupid and motherly and annoying.”
I press my body against his, kissing his chest and his neck and his face over and over until I know he feels my apology.
“It’s none of those things. If anything, they make me realize how lucky I am to have you, to have someone who worries about me and wants me to get better.”
“I want everything for you and I want to be here with you through it all. Even if I panic sometimes.”
I smile up at him even though I know it’s hard for him to see me in the darkened bedroom. I kiss his lips now, his hands tangling in my hair.
“We’ll get through this together, Ruby.”
Chapter Thirty
Caleb
“Last exam today, right?” I ask, lying in bed, my hand tucked behind my head as I watch Ruby get dressed.
She glances over at me. “Yes, thank god,” she moans, rolling her eyes dramatically, even though she’s smiling.
I laugh, a part of me also grateful it’s nearly over. It’s been a long few weeks of studying and finals for all three of them and I know they are all counting down the days until they’re done.
It’s also been a strange week, at least for me anyway. Although she hasn’t asked me any more about it, I know there are still unspoken things on both sides since Ruby found me wandering around outside in the middle of the night, supposedly checking on the noise I heard in the alley.
I wasn’t entirely truthful when I said it was some guy on his phone who just waved and went into a house farther down the street. I mean there was a guy out there, but he wasn’t on his phone and he didn’t give me a friendly wave and casually walk off.
He bolted.
Took off running down the alley like he wasn’t supposed to be there and I’d scared the shit out him when I found him. I’d started to run after him, but I wasn’t wearing anything other than a pair of boxers, my feet bare and I knew there was no way I could go after him like that.
I don’t have any idea who the fuck he was or what the hell he was doing, but the second I heard Ruby call my name, heard the fear in her voice, I knew I wasn’t going to find out that night. Not when I could tell she needed me more.
Her reaction to it all, to me missing from the bed, to me standing outside in my underwear, it had kind of freaked me out. I’d felt guilty about it all week, knowing that deep down there was probably a part of her that didn’t fully believe what I said I’d seen or what I’d been doing out there. And I’ve been trying to make it up to her, convince her I’m not entirely crazy ever since.
“Maybe we should celebrate tonight?” I suggest.
She pauses, her hand frozen over her bag as she glances over at me. I can’t resist smiling at her, my hand still tucked behind my head and my other hand now pushing the sheet down a little, as though to tease her with exactly what I mean by celebrating. I watch as her eyes follow its path from my bare and now exposed chest, until I pause with it low on my hips, just below my belly button. She swallows hard before glancing back at me.
“You do not play fair, Caleb Parker,” she says, her voice low.
My grin widens as I beckon her closer with my finger. She walks over, coming to a stop beside the bed. Reaching my hand out, I grab her wrist, pulling her down so she falls on top of me. She lets out a huff and I wrap my arms around her, holding her close.
“Good luck today,” I whisper, my lips brushing against hers. “Although you won’t need it.”
“Ugh,” she groans, deepening the kiss. “I really kinda hate that you aren’t in school and suffering through finals with the rest of us right now.”
I chuckle, sliding my hand to her ass as I gently squeeze it. “I promise I’ll make it up to you tonight,” I whisper against her ear before pressing a kiss to her neck.
Ruby sighs, her head tilting to the side as if to give me more access. I can’t resist kissing and sucking her skin, loving the feel of her body lying against mine. “I really need to go,” she whispers, even as she continues to lie against me.
I grin, nibbling against her neck before I gently slide my hand up her back and ease her off me. “Go, I’ll see you when you’re done tonight.”
Ruby pulls herself up, standing beside the bed again, her hand still in mine. “Are you working tonight?”
I nod. “Yeah, but I won’t be late. We gotta celebrate, remember?” I add, winking.
Ruby smiles down at me, letting go of my hand as she brushes hers against my cheek. “You seem…I don’t know…”
I sit up, slipping my arm around her waist as I pull her closer and rest my chin against her stomach. “I’m happy,” I tell her, meaning it. Because despite what I saw the other night, and despite all the thoughts that have been running through my he
ad ever since, I really am happy. Especially when I’m with her.
She leans down as she brushes her lips against mine. “So am I.”
I smile against her mouth. “Good, but now you have to go. Go and kick this final’s ass and then we can celebrate.”
She laughs, pulling back as she grabs her bag and walks toward her door. “Have a good day,” she says, pausing in the doorway.
I smile at her. “You too.”
After Ruby leaves, I drag myself from bed and head to the gym for a quick workout. It’s already nearly midday and I’ll be at work by the time Ruby gets done with her exams. I’d been tempted to tell her to come in and see me after she’s done, but I know she’ll be exhausted. So my plan is to finish up early, bring her some of the tacos she loves so much and spend the night at home with her.
After I’ve run home and taken a quick shower, I head over to the bar for my shift. Taking on the manager’s role definitely has its perks. It’s not just the pay raise, but being able to organize my own shifts and time off is a huge bonus. It also means I’m able to get the time off over Christmas and New Year’s. I’m looking forward to going away with Ruby, my sister and Reid, even if the thought of meeting her parents still has me a little nervous.
“Hey,” Adam says as I walk in.
“Hey yourself.”
“What’s happening?”
I shrug as I make my way back toward the small office out back. “Not much. You?”
Adam follows me back there, stopping to lean against the door jam. “Mentally and physically preparing myself for the onslaught tonight,” he says, grinning.
“The what?”
Adam raises a brow. “The onslaught, the end of finals, the celebrating and huge amounts of p—”
“Yep, okay, got it,” I say, holding up a hand to cut him off.
Adam laughs. “Please, don’t try and pretend you aren’t hanging out for tonight so you can have your girl back.”
Now it’s me raising a brow at him. “Whatever.”
