A Different Shade of Violet?

by K E Osborn

  “You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to, Vee,” Hudson whispers making me look at him and he’s frowning and his eyes are drooping like he’s beyond sad.

  “No, it’s okay. Full disclosure… complete honesty with you, Hudson. I need to tell you this.”

  He nods and holds my hand a little tighter. I sniff and take a steadying breath preparing to tell Hudson about the day I lost my boys.

  “I was in the kitchen when the doorbell rang. I was confused as to why Danny was ringing the doorbell and not just coming straight in, I figured he must have bought so much stuff he couldn’t open the door. I was laughing to myself… I was actually laughing, what an idiot! I answered the door and there were two police officers standing there. A male and a female. I think when I saw the look on their faces I knew, I knew there was something terribly wrong. I just chose not to believe it. It’s all a bit of a blur for me really. I remember the man telling me that Danny and Caiden had been hit by a drunk driver. I just wanted to get to them so badly, I didn’t even stop to think they might already be gone. That thought, I just couldn’t entertain, it hurt too much to even imagine a world without them so I made myself believe that what the officer said wasn’t true. That they couldn’t be dead, and when I had to go and identify their bodies it would all be one big fuck up and it wouldn’t be them at all. I was imagining Danny getting home to find I wasn’t there and him being worried about me and where I’d gotten to. But in my gut I could feel it. I knew they weren’t here anymore, I couldn’t feel their presence. I felt empty. I know that sounds weird and like it couldn’t possibly be true, but when I was standing in the kitchen before the policemen came to my door, I felt my skin tingling. I didn’t take any notice of it at the time, but I think that was the moment they died. I know it sounds… stupid—”

  “Not at all, I think you know when someone you’re undeniably linked with is in trouble,” Hudson says and I nod.

  “Anyway, identifying them was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Looking into Danny’s eyes as they stared back at me lifeless and empty, well, I never want to have to do that again. To be honest, I don’t even know how I survived looking at Caiden. It’s a blur. I remember falling to the floor and heaving, I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t breathe. My world was over. I had nothing. No one to fight for. No one to love or to love me. I was utterly and devastatingly alone, and I knew it would be that way for the rest of my life and that nothing would ever change that fact.

  “The time between identifying their bodies and the funeral, I can’t remember at all. I fell apart, but I couldn’t cry anymore… I don’t know why? I think it was because the only way I could get by was to turn off my emotions. Don’t ask me how I did it because I have no idea. I’m just thankful Danny’s family were there to help with the funeral arrangements otherwise there may never have been one. They’re buried next to each other and I haven’t even visited them once since their funeral. I can’t do it! Seeing their names on the plaques on the wall broke something inside me. I needed to be with them. I wanted for so long to die with them. I don’t even know how I kept myself alive the first few months. I know Danny’s family were really helpful for a while, but I couldn’t talk and I wasn’t functioning and eventually they stopped coming around.

  “I was sitting in our home, our family home and I realised that Danny and I hadn’t filed the papers for the life insurance. That’s when I realised I was going to lose the house. My shrine and all my memories. The only connection I had left to them. I couldn’t lose them Hudson, and I didn’t care about myself. I lost ten kilos in four weeks and the bills were stacking up. I was drowning, and there was nothing I could do to keep the house. But I had to keep it. You don’t know what it’s like having a memory of the people you love the most in the world and then the thought of their memory being taken from me was unbearable. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing everything Danny had worked so hard for… for us. He did it all for us, and I couldn’t let the house we shared be sold to some stranger. The thought of moving Danny and Caiden’s belongings was unbearable and an impossible thought. Even to this day Caiden’s room is exactly how it was that day he left me. Nothing has changed, not even his bed sheets.”

  Hudson winces and shakes his head slightly, I’m not sure if it’s from disapproval or from sadness. “The house meant everything to you,” he whispers looking at our entwined hands.

  “The house meant more to me than my life, Hudson, and I’d made my mind up that I would do anything, absolutely anything, to keep it. So I went looking. I looked for jobs that paid highly, but you needed qualifications and I just didn’t have any. Yes, Danny and I had savings, but it wasn’t enough to cover the mortgage in full.

  “I was walking in the city, I don’t even remember how I got there, to be honest. Everything was just one big grey blur of blah. Nothing felt right and everything felt off. I didn’t feel right. Colours seemed duller, noise was irritating, my whole world was… different and nothing was as it should be. The woman I was, the weak woman who was a mother and wife, couldn’t function in that world anymore. So to get by and keep the memory of my boys alive, I had to become someone else. The girl I wanted to be when I identified their bodies, the girl I became when I shut off my emotions—”

  “The Violet Widow?” Hudson asks.

  I nod and he exhales.

  “She was oblivious to the fact that the world was a shitty place, her objective was one thing and one thing only – to save the memory of Danny and Caiden. So she went looking for something else, something to pay the bills. She could have turned to drug dealing, but I don’t even think the Violet Widow would stoop that low. Drugs kill people and she didn’t want to be responsible for a mother grieving over her teenager who had overdosed. So she walked the city streets until she found a brothel. She didn’t want to do it, it made her feel sick to degrade herself like that, but once she talked it over with the pimp of the place, she realised the money she made in a year would pay off the house and she would be safe to keep all of her memories alive. She didn’t do it because she liked it, Hudson, she did it as a means to an end. It was the only way—”

  “Then why once the year was up and the house was paid off did you keep doing it?” he asks. I look at him and I can see his chest rising and falling quickly like he’s struggling with my story.

  “When you degrade yourself to that level of madness, it becomes second nature. My self-esteem was nonexistent. The only way I felt any kind of attention from another person was doing that job. Even though I was numb to the act itself, knowing people wanted me made me addicted to it. I needed to feel wanted and I wanted to feel needed and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t feel… anything. I fought for five years to feel a skerrick of something. Something to remind me of my humanity. Something to remind me of why I was put on this earth, but nothing worked. After two years of working on call, working with less than desirable people, I wanted to make myself feel better than the level of guilt and betrayal toward Danny I was feeling. I thought if I opened my own establishment and ran things in a much classier way, I could still have the attention I craved, but with a much better class of people. People who weren’t cruel and punishing, people who not only wanted your affections, but the pleasure of your company as well.

  “See Cupiditas is not just a local brothel. We take people out to functions and spend time with them. We form connections and that’s why it’s so exclusive, but I realised not long after I created Cupiditas that I was done with that lifestyle. I hated who I’d become and I hated that I could do that to Danny… the woman he loved, the mother of his child was selling herself to the highest bidder. My self-worth was gone, I had nothing but the shrine to my boys to keep me company. Yes, all my employees are great and I love them all, but there was nothing like going home to my boys every night and being with them. I could feel Danny, all the time. It’s strange, but I knew he was with me, every time I was there. He made me comfortable, he made it so that I loved being at home with my b
oys.

  “Do I regret making the money to keep their memory – no fucking way! That house, what it represents, was the only thing keeping me alive. I know it probably doesn’t make any sense to you, but that house was the only thing worth living for—”

  “And now I’ve made it so you can’t even stand to be there,” Hudson whispers. His eyes mist up and he blinks rapidly, but he’s looking at me with nothing but love in his multi-coloured eyes. “I’m so sorry, Vee. I hate that I have done that to you, after everything you went through and everything you did to save the house—”

  “It’s okay, as much as the house is a crutch holding me up, it’s also an open wound that keeps reopening and bringing me down. If it wasn’t for you Hudson, I would have never felt again. I would have never known what it was like to be loved again, and even though I know what I just said doesn’t change the past, it doesn’t change the future either. I’m not unrealistic, I know telling you my story won’t make the images in your head of me disappear. I know, knowing you, that what I went through won’t make it easier for you to forgive me and for us to move on. I know that there’s no hope for us, because as much as you’re disgusted about my past, I’m even more appalled that I let myself do the things I have done. I can never gain any kind of confidence back knowing the things I’ve done and the people I’ve been with. I don’t regret it, I needed my house and my boys, I just wish there was another way to have accomplished it. Another way for us, but it’s okay I know there’s not. You don’t just stop thinking badly of someone just because you know their full story, so I don’t expect you to either.”

  He shakes his head and huffs. “I—”

  “It’s okay Hudson, you don’t have to say anything,” I interrupt and he holds my hand tighter and brings it up to his mouth and kisses the back of my hand. I half-smile and he closes his eyes and swallows hard.

  “I want to kiss you so badly right now,” he whispers and my heart thuds against my chest wall.

  “Then kiss me,” I whisper.

  His eyes shoot open and he looks at me like he’s fighting an inner battle. His chest is heaving and so is mine while we stare at each other inching closer and closer together. His forehead rests on mine and I can smell his minty fresh breath and the warmth of it caressing my skin. Every inch of me is on fire and I haven’t kissed him in so long that my body has an aching for it. I lean in closer and our lips touch infinitesimally. A spark shoots through my lips and straight through me to my heart, which is now racing a million miles a minute. His lips on mine are as soft as I remember and as I go to kiss him fully, his mobile phone rings forcing us to separate. He rests his forehead against mine and we both breathe in staccato.

  “Fuck’s sake,” Hudson says and then he moves away from me pulling his phone from his pocket and looking at the screen. I try to catch my breath from our almost kiss as he scrunches up his face and shakes his head. “Great timing, Cassie,” he murmurs.

  I look at him and he swallows hard and swipes the phone answering the call.

  “Hey Cassie,” his voice sounding a little distant.

  I cringe at the mention of her name, of course, she’d be the one to ruin our moment.

  “Hey H, where are you? I tried coming over last night and you weren’t home. Midas wasn’t even barking when I rang the doorbell. You haven’t gone back to her have you?” I can hear clearly because her hideous voice is so loud, but I pretend not to have heard what she’s saying by looking down at my hands on the table.

  “No, I haven’t, but that’s really none of your business anyway, Cass. As for Midas, he’s staying with Mum, Dad and Brige for the moment—”

  “What, why?” she interrupts.

  “I’m out of town for a little while and they’re looking after him for me, and they’ll be popping in to look after Lizzy and the fish too.”

  “Well, where have you gone? And why didn’t you tell me? Who are you with, H. Are you with her?”

  I try my hardest not to look up to see his reaction, but I casually glance in his direction, he’s rubbing the back of his neck like he feels some tension there.

  “It doesn’t matter who I’m with, Cassie. I’m on an assignment. I can’t tell you anything, you know how it works,” he replies and I feel a little deflated that he’s said he was on an assignment. I know that that’s exactly what he’s doing, but I know as well as he does that there is something still here between us, and even though we’re both angry at each other, I know he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to be. He would have found a way out of it if he really couldn’t stand the sight of me. And if he didn’t still feel something then why wouldn’t he have gone there with Cassie again? She obviously wants him, badly.

  “Well, I hope you're safe, H. I would hate for you to get hurt. Come back to me in one piece, okay?”

  My eyes open wide and I huff out of my nose not being able to hide my emotions. Hudson looks at me and raises an eyebrow and then stands from the table and goes to walk away. He’s obviously figured out I can hear her.

  “I’m fine, I’m not in any danger. I’ll come back in one piece and then maybe we can have a talk when I get back. I think there're things that need to be said, but I can’t talk right now, I’m working, so I’ll call you when I get back?” he tells her quietly as he walks out the front door.

  I huff and fold my arms across my chest.

  There're things that need to be said?

  What things?

  Is he thinking of going back to her?

  She obviously cares about him and I think from what he was saying he wants to talk them over with her, try and work something out between them. I obviously don’t mean anything to him anymore and the near kiss was just a moment’s weakness. He just felt sorry for me because I’d told him my story.

  This is so fucked!

  I stand from the chair and make my way toward the bathroom. I’m angry. At myself and at Hudson, but mainly at Cassie for ruining a good moment. But if he’s thinking of going back to her then maybe it’s a good thing that we didn’t kiss. I mean that would just make things awkward, and I know I don’t want to feel awkward around him anymore. I’m sick of walking on eggshells and hoping that things will work out. I know that turning on the Dogs was a bad move. I know this whole situation doesn’t end well for me. So I may as well let Hudson move on with Cassie, he deserves to be happy and maybe she can do a better job of that than I ever could. I only seem to bring misery wherever I go, so what’s the point?

  I get to the basin and turn on the tap, it squeals and shudders slightly and then the water squirts out in a rush. I shake my head and place my hands underneath to splash my face trying to cool my temper. I hate feeling angry. It’s a useless emotion. It doesn’t get you anywhere and it doesn’t solve anything, so why bother feeling it?

  Because Cassie’s a bitch that’s why!

  I chuckle to myself and shake my head drying my face with a towel. I huff and look in the mirror. My left eyebrow and forehead are bruised and covered in bandaging, which is now wet, and the rest of my face is bruised, but it has more of a fading yellowish tinge to it, rather than the nasty blue colour which is a good thing. The cuts to my lips are healing and only hurt if I yawn.

  “Vee?” I hear Hudson call out.

  I huff and roll my eyes and walk out of the bathroom. “I’m here,” I say quietly, and as I walk back I notice him looking around frantically. His body slumps like he’s relieved and he rushes over, taking me into an embrace. I stand against him with my body flush against his as he caresses the back of my head with one hand and holds me to him with another. “Jesus Christ, you weren’t here and I couldn’t see you anywhere. I freaked out. I’m sorry, are you all right?” he asks leaning back and assessing me.

  I nod. I’m a little taken aback by his current behavior.

  “Thank God, I thought… I thought you’d ran away again or the fucking Dogs had you when I couldn’t find you,” he says as he pulls me back to him.

  “I’m fine, Hudson
. I was just washing my face.”

  He lets the embrace loosen and holds me at arm’s length. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if they got you, Vee.”

  “I thought you said they wouldn’t find us out here? If that’s true, then why were you so worried?”

  “Sometimes you’re too smart for your own good you know that?” he says quietly.

  “So there is a chance they can find us?” I ask suddenly feeling more on edge which helps to dissipate my anger.

  He exhales and runs his hand through his hair. “I guess there’s always a chance. But Vee, I promise, we have all the protective measures in place to make sure it doesn’t happen. Please don’t worry about it. I won’t let anything happen to you,” he says looking right into my eyes.

  “Would you let anything happen to Cassie?” I ask stupidly my jealousy surfacing.

  He furrows his brows and frowns. “What does that even mean?”

  “Nothing, never mind,” I say and go to walk past him.