by Shey Stahl
And then I caved. Maybe it was the day and needing someone to tell this too but I caved and told her what happened.
“Okay, fine. I had a very graphic dream about him last night and it felt real. Part of me, okay…” I paused, finally being honest with myself. “A lot of me wanted it to be real. I was depressed when I woke up and it wasn’t real. I feel like I cheated on Easton.”
“You didn’t. He cheated on you. And it’s part of being human. We make mistakes and we want what we can’t have at times.”
“Do you and dad ever have problems?” My eyes dropped from hers to my screen and the photo on my wallpaper now. It’s the one of my dad on his knees giving his heart to my mom.
“Like that?”
“Yeah. You seem so only for each other. Makes me wonder if you’re even real.”
“I’ve been attracted to other men before.” She admitted. “Just don’t tell your dad that.”
“Who?”
“Personally, I think Rager is hot.” Her damn cheeks even flushed when she spoke. “So I understand your attraction to him.”
“Oh God!”
“Don’t tell your dad. He’d fire the poor kid just off the principal of it. And I’m too old to think like that.” She giggled, covering her mouth with her hands.
“You’re not even fifty yet.”
“Still.” A nurse came, never saying anything but started mom’s IV like they said they would an hour ago.
The conversation surprised me but it was great to talk to her like that. I almost felt like I was getting to know her for the first time as a person, as a friend.
“Do you think dad has ever been attracted to someone else?” Not that I wanted to know who my dad was attracted to, I guess I was just hoping it might make me feel better about the whole Easton thing. Hearing that my parents were normal was reassuring to me.
“Oh, I’m sure he is. He’s a boy. We never talk about it though.”
That I understood. There’s just some things that are better not knowing.
“Have you told Rager about the dream?” She asked when the nurse left.
“Fuck no.” I leaned back in the chair slightly embarrassed when my skin pricked at the thought of telling him all those details. “He’d tease me and then make it worse.”
“I’m sure he would.” Mom knew Rager pretty good. She’s been around him for the last eleven years, nearly every day ten months out of the year. I’d say she knew him well. “What happened in the dream?”
The question honestly surprised me. Was she looking for kinky details for her cougar crush?
It was then I realized this was mom’s way of distracting both of us from the day and the fact that she was having surgery in a few hours.
I told her everything, something I would have never normally done.
“What are you going to do about Easton?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed feeling my heart start to race. It always came back to this. How much more time could I avoid this? “I just needed some time away to think.”
“Do you think he really cheated on you?”
“Honestly?” I raised my eyebrow and she nodded. “No. I think it was a setup.”
“Do you think it’s fair to him that you feel something for Rager, and always have but didn’t tell him?”
“No. It’s not.” She was absolutely right. It wasn’t fair at all. I knew that all along.
“It’s okay to be confused, Arie.” Her hand reached for mine and held it tight on her lap. “It’s normal.”
“I know. But it feels wrong.”
“I know what you mean.”
She did too. She completely understood me right then.
What the fuck was I doing though? I had basically moved in with my parents, I dream cheated, and now it’s just me avoiding life. I was using this with my mom as an excuse to be away when really, I wasn’t away. I was thinking of someone else in illicit ways and this was taking a completely different part of my heart’s desire.
I needed to be there for my mom and not having dreams about Rager and him fucking me so good, I think I was satisfied just off the dream itself. I’m married. I can’t go around having these sort of dreams and thoughts about a man I wasn’t married to. What the hell was wrong with me?
I wanted to switch the focus back to her and noticed she was staring at her cell phone. Apparently dad had been sending her dirty text messages all morning letting her know exactly what he was going to do to her when she was better. Thankfully she didn’t show me the messages. But it was nice to see her smiling. “What did dad say to you this morning after breakfast?”
“He said…I’ll be here. Always. Until this stops beating.” She pressed her hand to her heart remembering his words exactly. “And when that happens, you’ll be here, with me, in my heart until I stop breathing.” She smiled, tears in her eyes. “If you let go…I’ll hold on.”
She was terrified. I saw it right then in the look she gave me. That sense of inner strength she always had was cracking. Right. Before. My. Eyes. I was as scared as she was at that moment, probably more because I’d never seen her like this and it freaked me the fuck out.
She broke right then and started crying and screaming. “I lived a life most can only dream about. I fucking lived. That’s what matters to me.” Her smile through her tears made me relax but still, it wasn’t easy to watch. “I’ve loved one man my entire life, shared with him what I never thought possible, raised three beautiful kids, have precious grandkids who I have to see grow up. I’ve watched so many important people in my life die and I cannot and will not allow my children to suffer by losing me, goddamn it!” She leaned forward, hands fisted, and reached for both my hands, her breath soft against my face as she finally relaxed. “I love you, Arie. I love you for everything you are. Quietly confident, insecure at times in the most sincere ways. Funny, loving, just…everything. You’re an amazing woman and I’m so happy to say you’re my daughter.”
I could barely get the words out over the lump in my throat. “I love you too.”
She had every right to be scared. I saw it in her eyes when it hit. Dad saw it too when he rounded the doorway of the pre-op area. It was when she caught my dad’s stare and the floodgate of emotions that he was holding back, holding back everything because he had to because, for once, he was hell bent on being her rock and her biggest supporter like she’d been for him the past quarter of a century. Yet never forgetting that this had the potential to be the last time they saw each other.
I hated that look I saw. So heavy, so unfamiliar to her carefree features. Like she was memorizing what her family looked like.
They came and told us that she would be heading to surgery in a little while so I left and let my dad go in there after my brothers went in, separately. I don’t know how my brothers handled it but I know when dad came back to the waiting room, the sense of despondency on his face at that moment almost broke me. It was like he’d lost a part of his soul already. I went over and hugged him, it was all I could do in that instant. We were all dealing with this the only way each of us knew how. I needed my family at that moment. Needed them just as I needed my next breath.
We pretty much took over the waiting room after that.
And it was boring. So boring sitting there waiting. All I had were my thoughts. I even texted Lexi to try and get my mind off things but she never replied which meant her and Brody were probably having sex. She texted me once while doing the deed with Brody and I made her promise she never would again.
Dad held things in pretty well. When he was weak, she was strong. When she was weak, he was strong. Until now.
It was clear the gravity of the situation, had sunk in for my dad and what could happen behind those closed doors.
“Dad, are you okay?” He wasn’t, but I had to ask.
“I’ve…” Dad took a shaky breath, his chin shook and then he looked down. “She has to come through this. I could never do it without her.”
As tragic as tha
t statement was, it was true.
Dad’s eyes were so distant they were in another world as he sat beside me. “I can’t do this without her. I’ll never make it. I don’t care what they take from her as long as they give her back to me.”
I knew enough to know how accurate that was.
“The doctors are hopeful everything will be fine. We need to feel the same, Dad.”
It was three hours into the surgery when a doctor came out. Tall with dark hair peeking out slightly from under his scrub cap.
He was hesitant as he spoke to my dad, his eyes never meeting his. “We’ve run into some complications.”
Dad sat up, his attention on the doctor. We all did the same. “What the fuck do you mean complications?”
The doctor stepped back. “She’s fine. It’s just taking a lot longer than we anticipated.”
Dad glared at him, almost offended. “Well say that. Don’t fucking come out here saying there’s complications when it’s just taking longer.”
The doctor stepped back again, clearly offended himself. “You don’t have to swear sir. And please keep your voice down.”
Dad leaned forward, standing, and got in the doctors face. “Fuck. You. Get. Back. In. There. To. My. Wife.”
I grabbed dad’s arm and pulled him down. “I’m sorry. Ignore him.”
And the doctor turned and left. I knew he wouldn’t be coming back in here again to give us an update, compliments of my dad’s behavior.
Surprisingly he sat down. But he didn’t shut up. “These doctors are ridiculous. Who says that shit?”
“I’m sure they’re trained to say that.” I told him, trying to hand him a sandwich that Alley went and bought him. Everyone said he hadn’t eaten all morning. I couldn’t blame him but he gets really mean when he hasn’t had food. Now was a perfect example.
“Well fuck them.” Dad said, rolling his eyes. “They need better training.”
Casten couldn’t stop laughing. I wasn’t impressed by it.
When Dad stood, I made Casten follow him. “Go with him.”
“No.”
I held up my fist. “Don’t make me punch you in the ear again, asshole.”
He went.
Casten had been gone a while when I was starting to get worried about what happened.
“Check this picture out.” Tommy said sitting down next to me where Casten had been sitting.
Never look at photos on Tommy’s phone. Ever. Willie’s phone either. Made that mistake a time or two. Willie went through a stage a year ago when he thought it was funny to show people his balls. And sometimes his dick. He’d text Casten pictures but leave the pictures on his phone.
The dude had issues.
“No.”
“Oh come on,” he nudged my arm. “You probably want to see it.”
“Why?”
“Oh maybe because I was taking a photo last night of Willie and Dave and look who’s in the background…”
Naturally he made me look. The picture was of me and Rager slow dancing. I took his phone and deleted all his pictures. “What picture?”
It took him a moment to realize what I’d done and then he was pissed. “That was fucking rude.”
“Fuck you.”
“You know,” he stood, glaring at me which couldn’t be taken seriously. This is Tommy we’re talking about. “You’ve been hanging out with Jameson too much.”
Another doctor appeared, this time there were two and they seemed to be arguing over who would come over and talk to us. It appeared one lost the bet and approached us in a rushed manner, as if he was going to say what he had to say, and then run away.
“It’s going to be about four more hours.”
“What?” My heart was in my throat. “Why? It was only supposed to be three and that was two hours ago.”
He swallowed and I could see his hands shaking at his sides. “Her blood pressure dropped but she’s doing fine now. We ended up having to do a radical mastectomy and taking more than planned and several of her lymph nodes. They’re starting the reconstruction surgery now.”
And then he left. He didn’t wait for us to ask any questions.
I’ve heard people say fear isn’t in you, it’s learned. I don’t believe that. It’s like a sixth sense. Always there, just stimulated differently.
I have fear. I have a lot of it. Enough to fucking go around this hospital. I can’t imagine what dad’s going to do when he hears this.
Dad and Casten returned.
“The doctor came by.” I told dad when he sat next to me.
“Which one?” He looked over at me but didn’t meet my eyes. “The one I don’t like?”
“That doesn’t really narrow it down. There’s like a hundred you seem to hate.”
He rolled his eyes and shifted his position to slouch in the chair. “What did they say?”
“That it was taking longer, they took more than planned and now they’re starting the reconstructive surgery.”
Dad wouldn’t sit down after that. If he did, his head was in his hands most of the time and when he did leave, he came back with bloodshot eyes that wouldn’t meet any one’s eyes.
I wanted to comfort him but he wasn’t having it. Every time I went to say something, he’d start pacing. I’d never seen him like this before. So raw and emotional. So dependent on one outcome. Even during his racing, he was never this way. He had control over that situation and this one was completely in someone else’s hands. My dad is a huge control freak and relinquishing control to someone else wasn’t in the realm of possibilities for him. Dad was on the edge of breaking, everyone saw it.
“We gotta calm him down.” Axel said, wanting to do something.
“We can’t. He can’t.”
There was no way we would be able to calm down right now. Though the doctors had assured us she would be okay, there was really no guarantee that was true. And that scared him and all of us.
Casten, slouched in the chair next to me, looked over at Willie and glared when he heard him making noises. “What is that noise?”
“I’m eating a pear.” Willie held out the pear, juice dripping down his arm.
“Well do that somewhere else.” Casten mumbled, turning away from him. But then he turned back when he took a big bite out of it chewing in Casten’s ear. “Jesus, do you eat pussy like that? You’re getting that shit all over the place and on me.”
Safe to say we were all on edge. Everyone was getting testy.
Dad got up after that and left. Axel turned away from Casten as if what he said made him uncomfortable. It probably did knowing him.
I made Casten follow him and this time they were gone for an hour but only Casten returned.
Casten sat down beside me with a bag of Skittles.
“Where’d you get those? And where is dad.”
He popped two in his mouth, chewing slowly and then regarded me again. “Dad broke the glass to the vending machine when he punched it. Everything is free.”
Tommy and Willie took off toward the machine like it was front row seats to a wet t-shirt contest.
I sighed hanging my head. “Where’s dad now?”
“In the ER getting ten stitches in his hand.” Casten leaned into my shoulder. “I told them to give him drugs. Think they’ll listen?”
“For their sake, let’s hope they do.”
“Keep an eye on him.” I told Axel, pointing to Casten. I was going to find dad.
Axel nodded, his arm around Lily as she slept on his lap. Grandma and Alley had taken all the kids home but everyone else remained. Emma and Aiden sat next to Lane and Bailey near the windows. Logan next to Tommy and Willie, now watching a movie on their iPad. We had pretty much taken over the waiting area and it was clear we weren’t going anywhere.
I needed some fresh air, and intended on finding my dad but I went walking instead.
Every time a doctor walked by, fear pricked my skin at what could go wrong.
As I wondered through the hospita
l, I found an empty corner and leaned against the wall. When I sat against that wall, that’s when it hit me. It was sudden, like a wrecking ball to my gut, a reminder of neglect and so many things unsaid between me and my mother. I was going to change that. She needed to know everything about me. I never realized, until then, that I needed her more than I ever thought.
I wanted her to know me in the ways I knew her. I did know her too. I knew the giggler in her, the lover of one man. The woman who stole the hearts of two little boys first and gave us breath. She’s forty-seven. She’s too young to die or go through any of this. This family couldn’t work without her. She’s our window net, there to hold us all together.
There was never a time when she wasn’t there for any of us. Never had she shut me out and how had I treated her?
I made more of an effort this last year but I vowed to myself I was changing that now.
As I sat there against the wall, I saw a figure appear at the end of the hall walking toward me. I knew that walk.
He was the last person I would have expected to see at that hospital and strangely, exactly who I wanted and needed to see. Someone who would just be there. His mind wasn’t elsewhere. It was on me and just being there for me and my family.
Rager never said a word, as he slide down the wall and sat beside me. I laid my head on his shoulder, he did the same.
His arms wrapped around my shoulders pulling me to his side, so warm and comforting I could have slept against him for the first time in days.
He kept his arm around me, his thumb caressing my shoulder.
Sometimes I wondered where I stood with a lot of people, and even Rager at times. Who was I to this person? To him?
Was I Jameson’s only daughter? Was I Easton Levi’s wife? Or was I Arie Riley?
A lot of people never saw me for who I was. I can probably count on one hand the ones that did. They couldn’t. Not in the shadows in which I lived. I didn’t want the spotlight. I wanted sunlight, beautiful warm rays where, for once, I was just Arie.
Right now, even through the heavy day, I got a little glimpse of that light and what it felt like to be her.
I guess I wanted to forget what was happening so I laughed. “I had sex with you.”
