by Shey Stahl
I didn’t say anything when he leaned forward his elbows resting on the table. His hands scrubbed over his face and then he looked at me, voicing my earlier thoughts. “I’d give anything for this fucking table not to be in the way.”
He’s not talking about a table and I think we both knew that.
His voice was low and meant for me, only me, when the waiter brought another round of drinks. We’d barely touched our food and I wasn’t hungry. “Do you think of that dream?”
I didn’t hesitate to give him the truth. “I do. I think about how exactly it would play out and the things you would do to me. It has me bent on a dream.”
Rager groaned and let his head fall back against the booth. He drew in a deep breath and then blew it out slowly. When his eyes found mine again, I could barely take it. “I can make every dream, every fucking dream you desire come true…just say the words, Arie. Just say the words before I take what isn’t mine to take without even asking.”
If I were living in the moment, I wouldn’t hesitate to say the words he needs to hear. Give him the permission he’s seeking. A fleeting moment, two heartbeats pounding for only each other, but as tempting as this sounds, the doubts niggling their way around in my brain are getting louder and louder. “Rager…you know our history, you know my feelings even though I haven’t told you. Yet you are always the one to stop this before it goes any farther. What’s changed with us, with you?” I couldn’t look directly at him, knowing my eyes would voice the silent words that he so desperately wants to hear.
“Arie, you have changed me and knowing that you are here right now, with me and not with him, it’s every dream I’ve ever had and constantly reminding me how much I want you. Every time we’ve had a chance, we’ve never taken it. It’s been one fucking heat race after another and never making it to the feature, and I won’t…I can’t do that anymore. I want you to be my feature race but you have to be the one to make that choice because the bastard in me is saying I should take you, right here, right now and fuck any consequences,” with a heavy sigh he asked, “so what’s it gonna be, Arie?”
Oh. My. God.
In typical me fashion these days, I got up and walked out of the diner.
Tire Rub – This happens when a tire is rubbing on a fender of the car.
The doctors were right. Mom needed more rest from the surgery and complications with swelling happened. I knew she should have stayed put but she had to learn for herself. After those first few races she was ordered on bed rest. I stayed there with her wanting her to know I was there for her. She made dad go racing with the boys. She said he was driving her crazy with hovering over her.
“See, we don’t always get along.”
“Oh please, you’re revolting at times.” I teased lying in bed with her. We both had half pints of ice cream in hand as we watched movies.
“You know, when I was pregnant with Axel I did this very same thing and my dad laid next to me every day and watched movies with me.”
I smiled but said nothing.
Mom laughed setting her ice cream on the nightstand and curled into her pillow. “Have you talked to Easton since that day at your house?”
“Not since he was a dick to me.”
“He’s scared.”
“I am too. I don’t know how to fix it, or if it’s too late now.”
“It’s never too late to say you’re sorry.”
“But I’m not. He treated me like I was his doormat and there to take the brunt of everything. And then the deal with Shaylee and Olivia. Why can’t he be sorry?”
“I think he is sweetie. He’s scared too. But all that is a part of marriage.”
“It shouldn’t be like that. I shouldn’t have to just take him treating me like that because it’s just a part of marriage. How is that fair?”
“That’s not what I mean. If he can’t tell you those things, vent to you, his best friend, who can he to?”
She had a point.
“You need to remember this, driving for your dad, being married to his only daughter, that’s hard on any guy. It’s hard to live up to the expectations people put on you and you know very well how demanding your dad is.”
Goddamn her and her points. I finished off my ice cream and went on to help her finish off hers.
Two weeks later mom was able to travel again and wanted to head to summer nationals at Williams Grove.
It was 106 when we pulled into Williams Grove that day and I was sweating so much I was sure all the water I was drinking was seeping out of my pores as fast as I was drinking it. So I stuck to beer instead.
I’m not entirely sure that would solve the problem and I wondered what it was about my family but we’re a bunch of fucking alcoholics.
I couldn’t imagine how the boys felt being inside those cars with that temperature. Most wore cooling packs inside their racing suits because even though they were inside the cars for a short time, they still felt the heat.
I loved the pits at Williams Grove, and not for obvious reasons. I had memories here with Rager when I was a kid, and who knew years later, we’d be back here, same situation.
Rager’s slick arm wrapped around my shoulders after the pill draw. He’d pulled his suit down around his waist leaving him in a gray Solar Seals t-shirt. “Bringing back memories yet?” he whispered looking over to turn four.
“Everything you do brings back memories.”
“I know the feeling, baby.” He smiled and walked away, never leaving our public display of what this was to be revealed. I rolled my eyes and made my way through the pits and back to the haulers. Rager went the other direction.
As I walked through the pits, my eyes traveled over the row of haulers and shiny cars. Some putting heat in their engines, others making adjustments, siping tires, all preparing for the night’s races.
Here at Williams Grove, there’s a rival that dates back to the beginning of the World of Outlaws and the PA Posse as they call them. The PA Posse are the drivers who dominate the local tracks of Pennsylvania and even run, and win, when the big boys of the Outlaws come to town.
It wasn’t going to be easy for any of the regular drivers to beat them but when they did, they knew they were the best.
I certainly wasn’t at my best though. It seemed all those memories of this track and my confusion had led me to drinking.
Shit was fucked up. Here I was drunk, with Rager and not my husband.
I knew I didn’t belong here but I’d grown up around Rager. I was comfortable here. He’d never take advantage of me. I should have never been worried about him though. It was me who was making the decision I shouldn’t be making. It was me taking advantage.
I wished drunk me was smart enough to see that but I wasn’t.
Drunk me was tempting Rager in ways I shouldn’t have been. I was tempting him until he almost pushed up the track where the line was heading, where the track would most definitely change.
He caught me in the shadows between his and Axel’s hauler just after the race and after my parent’s left.
I think he sensed I was confused about wanting this. “It doesn’t make you any less of a person to be tempted. Me and you, we’ve always been tempted.”
“You’re tempted?”
“You already know the answer to that.” He raised an eyebrow running his finger over my lips. “I’m always tempted by you.” He bent forward and kissed me again. “And me wanting you will never change.”
Rager always had his share of girls around and I’m sure, like my brothers and their friends, he indulged more often than not.
But I was off limits to most everyone.
Look at the men in my family.
Yeah, completely off limits. It was frustrating.
Tonight, something was different about Rager. It wasn’t the win because he blew a tire in the heat and then dropped a muffler in the main and was disqualified.
He had a shit night so it wasn’t the thrill he was after.
The beer in h
is hand wasn’t the change, but maybe it was this track and two friends talking like we used to. If it wouldn’t have been for him stopping us back then, Rager and I would have back then and the more I drank, the more I was convincing myself we might tonight. I knew that wasn’t the answer but I didn’t care. Easton didn’t, why should I?
“So where does that leave us?”
He grinned, his smile taking over, his eyes so fucking bright they lit the night. It was enough to make my heart melt when his eyes are laid on me, bare and beautiful.
“You coming?” Rager asked, watching me carefully as the grin disappeared and a look of want took over.
“Maybe.” Rager knew me better than Easton in some ways. Now wasn’t any different. He knew I was curious.
I’ve always found Rager attractive. He had that gritty attitude that drew you in and made him remarkable. He was a lot like my dad. He wasn’t easy to deny and I didn’t want to any longer.
When we got inside the hauler, he closed the door behind him and locked it. When his back was to me, I hopped up on the counter.
Turning around, he kept his eyes on the floor as he took those five steps toward me. His hip bumped into my bare knee when he stopped in front of me.
“You want me, don’t you?” I whispered, begging him to look up at me. He didn’t.
“You know I do.” And then he met my gaze. I let out a shuddering breath as he did so. “So fucking bad. I couldn’t even race tonight. It seems…the more you’re around…the more you control me.”
His fingers slide down my thigh moving the thin material of my dress and stopped at my knees, he blinked slowly and then pushed them apart.
His hands hooked around the backs of my knees and then lifted me to the edge of the counter. Pulling me to the edge his hips came in line with mine. It felt nice and exactly what I needed. Wanting it, I arched my back just a touch, my legs wrapping around his waist and drawing him into me. He groaned and went a little crazy, both hands on my face, his mouth attacking mine and moving to my neck where my skin was exposed on my shoulder.
We didn’t say anything. We were past the point of words. This was pure want and need.
His beard scraped along my jaw before his hands were on my face again, his tongue caressing mine.
“Come on baby, what do you want from me?” His hand was moving up my thigh again and inside my panties. His touch, oh God that fucking touch. He knew so much about me, could find my groove any day of the week.
Rager knew what I wanted when I followed him in here. It’s then that I thought maybe tonight would finally be that night. Finally be when we gave in completely.
What would that mean?
“Tell me what you want.” He said, his lips at my ear. “Tell me.”
“You.” Skin flushed with desire, my hands moved from his shoulders frantically grabbing at his shirt trying to rip it off his chest. He let me get it over his shoulders and then his mouth moved a little slower, traveling a path he worshiped knowing this might be the last time his lips felt this. “I want you…”
He wanted to stop but couldn’t, his body protesting against his desire being fueled by my own frantic pace.
My eyes squeezed shut, clutching his shoulder with one hand and then the other dipping inside his boxer briefs. He groaned at the touch, his hips twitching forward grinding himself into my hand just once, and then again. “Fuck, baby…”
My body ached for his touch, so bad I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
His tongue ran over the seam of my lips and I gasped, opening my mouth to grant his kiss. His left hand moved from my thigh, his right still inside my panties as he started to take off my dress. When he got it over my head, his kiss returned. His kiss gave me that same rush I felt when he kissed me back then, the same passion that I felt all the way to my toes that only he was capable of giving.
Was it wrong for me to bury my emotions in this?
I didn’t think so. But then again, I wasn’t really thinking.
Not really.
We’ve been here before and it seemed we both remembered.
Could you feel that?
It’s my heart and my head going two different directions. I wasn’t stopping even though that ring on my finger felt like an iron weight.
Rager could sense where my mind was. I know he could by the way he kept glancing at the door, and my hand. “How far you wanna take this?”
“How far do you?”
“I want to fuck you right now against this counter and not stop until you are screaming my name.” He admitted and chuckled against my lips. I took a firm grip on him, my legs trying to get his racing suit off him. His mouth moved to my breasts, hot and heavy kisses taking over. “I want you on my dick. I wanna feel you come apart on me…”
Oh God!
“Take this off.” I whispered, my lips against his, wet and unyielding, gasping breaths.
The problem is, as much as Rager wants that. He can’t do it. He just can’t.
Rager was the good guy. The one with morals. He’s always been that way. You may think that hot headed side would outweigh those morals, and there’s been some times it has, but now wasn’t one of them.
“Wait, Arie…” He stopped suddenly and stepped back away from me, panting, the muscles in his body clenching. “You gotta put your dress back on. Now”
“Why?” I was shocked and held my dress he handed me and covered my breasts. “What’s the matter?” I couldn’t understand the change that occurred.
“You’re married.” He said this as though it’s final. There’s no other way.
Why’d he have to bring that up again? “And if I see you naked again, I’m not stopping and I think deep down you want me to stop right now. You know if we do this it changes everything between you two…and us.”
Leaning into the counter, Rager rested his hands on either side on my waist and pressed his body against mine. His head tipped and waited for me to look at him. “Tell me what you want from me?”
I didn’t say anything, only pulled his lips back to mine.
“Tell me.” He demanded, his palms cupping my cheeks and pulling away.
“I want you.”
“But you’re still with him.” He blinked, pain and sadness so consuming in those blue eyes they were drowning him. He looked like he was suffocating. “How is that fair to me or him or you?”
I started crying. I fucking started crying.
What an emotional shit show.
His body trembled as he pulled away. “Sorry.”
“You don’t want this?” I cried, trying not to get too emotional over this.
“Are you serious?” He raised an eyebrow at me.
“What?”
“I do. I’ve fucking wanted this since you were sixteen! You were sixteen and all I thought about was having sex with you. We couldn’t be together then and we can’t be together now, not unless something legally changes with you and Easton. I won’t be that guy.”
I couldn’t say anything. I blinked at his bluntness, not sure if I believed him. He knew I didn’t believe him so he reached down to take my hand and then pressed it between his legs. “You see what you fucking do to me? I can’t even be around you for five minutes without going crazy,” Rager groaned shaking his head.
His arms wrapped around me, demanding, unrelenting, warm and as comforting as that moment could have been. He placed his lips at my ear when he spoke pressing forward into my hand once more. “Believe me now?”
He pulled back and stared at me.
“Yes…”
“I wasn’t trying to be an ass. My feelings for you won’t go away, Arie. I don’t think they ever will. I’d give anything to act on it just once, all the way. Believe me when I say I would. I’ve imagined it, as a hundred other guys have I’m sure. But you’re married, and you’re Jameson Riley’s only daughter. He’s my boss. I act on this and I kiss my ass and my ride goodbye.”
I hated how everyone feared my dad so much. And how it controlled
my life.
“You’ve imagined it?”
Rager laughed, his fingers wrapping around my chin to make me look at him. “Too often. That night in my hauler when you were on your knees is a recurring dream of mine.”
My cheeks flushed, remembering how right that all felt.
“Why didn’t you say anything before I married Easton?”
“When could I?” his eyes seemed sad. “You went from Brian, me, Grady, and then Easton. You never gave me a chance.”
Rager was hurt when I chose Easton. I knew he was but didn’t say anything. It was confirmed when he showed up at my wedding, drunk, and wouldn’t even talk to me. In a way, I couldn’t really blame him.
We’d spent years knowing that we couldn’t be together and this was the final lap, so to speak, in our relationship. I was getting married and I’d always wanted Rager. And now, here we were, in a hauler trying to get to that fourth turn yet hitting another racer in the process. And that other racer was my husband, Easton. Talk about an epic cockblock? Could this be a more fucked up situation? Did I mention I’ve never made the smartest choices when it comes to men?
I’m beginning to realize that this isn’t only about me, there are other people involved here and like he said before, if we do this, everything changes. I don’t think I’m ready for that, I’m not ready to say that Easton and I won’t fix what’s broken here. This moment is everything, a crossroads. One side that heads back to Easton and the life I cowardly left, and one turn that has me in this moment with a guy who knows what he does to me physically and emotionally.
Out of the draft – Refers to when a car falls out of the draft at a superspeedway.
Why am I tied to two people so heavily? Why is my love for either so heavy and all consuming, and both very different.
Rager is heartbeats, longneck loving, a country boy crush and promises made under a sticky track lit up by the moon and a dusty feeling you find clinging to your skin days later. He’s eyes that burn so bright they light the night. He’s a sleepy town, wide-eyed kid too young to know and loving faster than he can take or give. He’s short track aggression, raised on the rush, taking the innocence of a pretty smile, no bark, only bite, full throttle and wide open.
