by Susan Berran
“Sam? You there Sam?” came the familiar voice of Jared, and he sounded pretty good, too. Way better than during the week.
“Sam, wanna do something today? Mum gave me the green-light. But only for today. I have to stay home tomorrow and catch up on homework!”
YES! I raced up the hallway pulling on clothes as I went, tripping and tumbling along the way. Finally he was over whatever ‘crappy illness’ he had. I started planning as I got dressed. We could jump onto our bikes and head straight for our paddock hideaway. Then we could get straight to work on finding a way to use our TOENAIL SHOTS to get back at Crabby and TofFeE. Yeah, stuff like … hiding them on toilet seats … or … dropping them into their lunch on spaghetti day. Yeah, FUN STUFF like that.
So hey, who knows, I might even thank Mum for not letting me sleep in.
Woo hoo! I shoved a piece of toast halfway into my mouth as I headed flat-out towards the front door. I was hopping along, pulling on each sock, shoving each foot into a shoe. Mum was still standing calmly by the sink and washing dishes … I wonder why she woke me up so early anyway …
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
Sam, can you get the door, please! ” Mum called very politely, which was weird.
“Yep!” I said, almost losing my balance from rushing and jumping about like a frog on a hotplate just so that I could get over to Jared’s place, FAST!
I reached for the door handle knowing Mum would be right behind me. So I could just barge right on through the middle of whoever it was. I didn’t want to waste another second; me and Jared only had today to do stuff. I ripped open the door. The sunlight hit me right in the eyes, blinding me for a second as I went to push through whoever was there.
ARRRRHHH, they grabbed me! Suddenly I couldn’t move; I was engulfed by soft, flabby arms and someone was pinching at my cheeks.
“OW!”
“Mum, Dad. You’re early! ” Mum announced happily from right behind me.
“Sam! It’s so lovely to see you, little Possum,” came a distant but familiar voice.
“Grandma? Granddad?” I said as my eyes cleared up.
“So … are you ready?” Granddad asked looking me square in the eyes, a huge grin plastered right across his face.
“Ummm?” Confused, I turned to Mum.
“Grandma and Granddad are taking you clothes shopping in NUNDIE for the whole day. Surprise!!! ”
Nooooooooo!!
This had been absolutely, positively, absamativalutely, without a doubt, the suckiest week of my entire sucky life since I came to this sucky little town!
Every single day of this entire week had sucked! And today was going to be the absolute biggest total suckfest of the whole sucktacular week on this big sucky planet in the whole entire sucky universe!
My
life
totally
sucks!
… I needed to stop the bleeding, it wasn’t much, but enough that something might be able to smell it, and that was the last thing I wanted.
“Actually, that was the second last thing I wanted - the last thing I wanted was to mess my pants, and when I saw that blood, … well let’s just say, it was close.”
It was magnificent and as I shone my torch down the tunnel’s entrance, I suddenly realised how completely alone I really was. Maybe I should’ve waited for Jared after all.
Toe-jam … yum …
Damn, I can’t reach it!
Don’t you just hate that?
You’re sitting on the edge of your bed in just your undies, and all you want to do is use your finger to dig between your toes and drag out the fluff, and sweat, and dirt all chunked together like a huge dob of mouldy, smelly mud.
Be careful though; remove it from its home, it might not be too happy about the move …
Ohh Crappp!!!
Fluff Butt just pooped right in the middle of the lounge room rug.
And not just some teeny tiny hardly noticeable little minor accident that mum probably won’t notice … oooh no!
This was the mother load … a week’s worth of tinned food; chunky beef tongue, chicken liver and lamb’s brain in gravy … all mooshing together; dissolving, rotting, for at least a week in the gastric juices of the dog’s stomach.
All deposited at once in a huge greeny-browny-yellowish dump!!
Crap! Why is it always dark?
You know … it’s midnight, there’s no moonlight and your head’s shoved into a toe-jammed, fungus-filled, smelly old gumboot. That dark!
I cautiously took a mirror out of my utility belt. My hands were sweating like a baboon’s butt wrapped in sheep. Gingerly I poked it around the corner (the mirror, not my butt), then, for a split second I saw it; teeth, really, really, really big teeth …
Sam and Jared are on holidays … in the most dangerous place on the planet.
With the poisonous plants, ferocious animals, tree-swinging hippies and Smelly Melly’s deadli-est fungus-growing, chunky chuck-up nappies yet!
This time, adventure is hot on their heels … and they just might not be able to keep their stomach contents down.
Ever wanted to know how to catch some mucus munching, slime covered, blood sucking carnivorous beast that can sniff out its prey from more than a mile away?
Ever wondered what to do with that snotty nose, totally annoying fart factory sister or brother of yours?
Sam and Jared have. And they’ve figured out how to do both at the same time …
… ever heard of live baby bait?
Yep, with the ‘Loch Agnath’ monster, Aggy on the loose Sam and Jared reckon they can be famous, rich and get rid of little Miss Smelly Melly Prissy Pants all at the same time.
THE AUTHOR
Even at primary school my teachers would encourage my weird and imaginative stories.
I feel so privileged to be able to share something with you that is so much fun.
I hope you enjoyed SUCK’D.
www.susanberran.com
