by Harlan Coben
the smartest girl in the class.
I will.
The waitress came by. Dad handed her the order. He turned back to Myron and shrugged. It's
getting near the end of the month, Dad said. I have to use your pop-pop's minimum before the thirtieth. I didn't want the money to go to waste.
This place is fine.
Dad made a face signaling disagreement. He grabbed some bread, buttered it, then pushed it
away. He shifted in his chair. Myron watched him. Dad was working up to something.
So you and Jessica broke up?
In all the years Myron had been dating Jessica, Dad had never inquired about their relationship
past the polite questions. It just wasn't his way. He'd ask how Jessica was, what she was up to,
when her next book was coming out. He was polite and friendly and greeted her warmly, but he'd
never given a true indication of how he really felt about her. Mom had made her own feelings on
the subject crystal clear: Jessica was not good enough for her son, but then again, who was? Dad
was like a great newscaster, the kind of guy who asks questions without giving the viewer any
hint of how he was really leaning on the issue.
I think it's over, Myron said.
Because Dad stopped, looked away, looked back ofBrenda?
I'm not sure.
I'm not big on giving advice. You know that. Maybe I should have been. I read those life
instruction books fathers write for their children. You ever see those? Yes.
All kinds of wisdom in there. Like: Watch a sunrise once a year. Why? Suppose you want to sleep in? Another one: Overtip a breakfast waitress. But suppose she's grumpy? Suppose she's really bad? Maybe that's why I never dealt with it. I always see the other side.
Myron smiled.
So I was never big on advice. But I have learned one thing for sure. One thing. So listen to me
because this is important.
Okay.
The most important decision you'll ever make is who you marry, Dad said. You can take
every other decision you'll ever make, add them together, and it still won't be as important as that one. Suppose you choose the wrong job, for example. With the right wife, that's not a problem. She'll encourage you to make a change, cheer you on no matter what. You understand?
Yes.
Remember that, okay?
Okay.
You have to love her more than anything in the world. But she has to love you just as much.
Your priority should be her happiness, and her priority should be yours. That's a funny thing caring about someone more than yourself. It's not easy. So don't look at her as just a sexual object or as just a friend to talk to. Picture every day with the person. Picture paying bills with that person, raising children with that person, being stuck in a hot room with no airconditioning and a screaming baby with that person. Am I making sense?
Yes. Myron smiled and folded his hands on the table. Is that how it is with you and Mom? Is
she all those things to you?
All those things, Dad agreed, plus a pain in the tuchus
Myron laughed.
If you promise not to tell your mother, I'll let you in on a little secret.
What?
He leaned in and whispered conspiratorially. When your mother walks in the room even now,
even after all these years, if she were to, say, stroll by us right now my heart still does a little
two-step. You understand what I'm saying?
I think so, yeah. That used to happen with Jess.
Dad spread his hands. Enough then.
Are you saying Jessica is that person?
Not my place to say one way or the other.
Do you think I'm making a mistake?
Dad shrugged. You'll figure that out, Myron. I have tremendous confidence in you. Maybe that's why I never gave you much advice. Maybe I always thought you were smart enough without me.
Bull.
Or maybe it was easier parenting, I don't know.
Or maybe you led by example, Myron said. Maybe you led gently. Maybe you showed rather
than told.
Yeah, well, whatever.
They fBll into silence. The women around them chatted up their white noise.
Dad said, I turn sixty-eight this year.
I know.
Not a young man anymore.
Myron shook his head. Not old either.
True enough.
More silence.
I'm selling the business, Dad said.
Myron froze. He saw the warehouse in Newark, the place Dad had worked for as long as Myron
could remember. The schmata business in Dad's case, undergarments. He could picture Dad with his ink-black hair in his glass-walled warehouse office, barking out orders, sleeves rolled up, Eloise, his long-time secretary, fetching him whatever he needed before he knew he needed it.
I'm too old for it now, Dad went on. So I'm getting out. I spoke to Artie Bernstein. You remember Artie?
Myron managed a nod.
The man's a rat bastard, but he's been dying to buy me out for years. Right now his offer is
garbage, but I still might take it.
Myron blinked. You're selling?
Yes. And your mother is going to cut back at the law firm.
I don't understand.
Dad put a hand on Myron's arm. We're tired, Myron.
Myron felt two giant hands press down on his chest.
We're also buying a place in Florida.
Florida?
Yes.
You're moving to Florida? Myron's Theory on East Coast Jewish Life: You grow up, you get
married, you have kids, you go to Florida, you die.
No, maybe part of the year, I don't know. Your mother and I are going to start traveling a little more. Dad paused. So we'll probably sell the house. They'd owned that house Myron's entire life. Myron looked down at the table. He grabbed a wrapped Saltine cracker from the bread basket and tore open the cellophane.
Are you okay? Dad asked.
I'm fine, he said. But he wasn't fine. And he couldn't articulate why, even to himself.
The waitress served them. Dad was having a salad with cottage cheese. Dad hated cottage
cheese. They ate in silence. Myron kept feeling tears sting his eyes. Silly.
There's one other thing, Dad said.
Myron looked up. What?
It's not a big deal really. I didn't even want to tell you, but your mother thought I should. And
you know how it is with your mother. When she has something in her mind, God himself
What is it, Dad?
Dad fixed his eyes on Myron's. I want you to know this has nothing to do with you or your
going to the Caribbean.
Dad, what?
While you were gone Dad shrugged and started blinking; he put down his fork, and there
was the faintest quiver in his lower lip I had some chest pains.
Myron felt his own heart sputter. He saw Dad with the ink-black hair at Yankee Stadium. He saw
Dad's face turning red when he told him about the bearded man. He saw Dad rise and storm off
to avenge his sons.
When Myron spoke, his voice sounded tinny and far away. Chest pains?
Don't make a thing of it.
You had a heart attack?
Let's not blow it out of proportion. The doctors weren't sure what it was. It was just some chest pains, that's all. I was out of the hospital in two days.
The hospital? More images: Dad waking up with the pains, Mom starting to ciy, calling an ambulance, rushing to the hospital, the oxygen mask on his face, Mom holding his hand, both their faces devoid of any color .
And then something broke open. Myron couldn't stop himself. He got up and half sprinted to the bathroom. Someone said hello to him, called out his name, but he kept moving. He pushed open the
bathroom door, opened a stall, locked himself in, and nearly collapsed.
Myron started to cry.
Deep, bone-crushing cries, full-body sobs. Just when he thought he couldn't cry anymore. Something inside him had finally given way, and now he sobbed without pause or letup.
Myron heard the bathroom door open. Someone leaned against the stall door. Dad's voice, when he finally spoke, was barely a whisper. I'm fine, Myron.
But Myron again saw Dad at Yankee Stadium. The ink-black hair was gone, replaced with the gray, fly-away wisps. Myron saw Dad challenge the bearded man. He saw the bearded man rise, and then he saw Dad clutch his chest and fall to the ground.
Chapter 29
Myron tried to shake it off. No choice really. But he couldn't stop thinking about it. And he couldn't stop worrying. Worrying had never been his style in the past, even when a crisis loomed. All of a sudden he had the worry-queasies in his stomach. It was true what they said: The older you become, the more you are like your parents. Soon he'd be telling a kid not to stick his elbow out the car window or he'd lose it.
Win met him in front of the auditorium. He was in classic Win pose, eyes level, arms crossed, totally relaxed. He wore designer sunglasses and looked ultrasleek. GQ casual.
Problem? Win said.
No.
Win shrugged.
I thought we were going to meet inside, Myron said.
That would mean I'd have to listen to more of Sawyer Wells.
That bad?
Imagine, if you will, a Mariah Carey-Michael Bolton duet, Win said.
Eeuw.
Win checked his watch. He should be finishing up now. We must be brave.
They headed inside. The Cagemore Center was a sprawling facility that featured oodles of concert and lecture halls that could be cut to any size by sliding walls back and forth. There was a summer camp for young children in one room. Win and Myron stopped and listened to the children sing Farmer in the Dell. The sound made Myron smile.
the farmer in the dell, the farmer in the dell, hi-ho-the-dairy-o, the farmer in the dell
Win turned to Myron. What's a dell? Win asked.
No idea.
Win shrugged and moved on to the main auditorium. There was a table out front selling Sawyer Wells paraphernalia. Cassettes, videos, books, magazines, posters, pennants (though what one does with a Sawyer Wells pennant went beyond Myron's capacity to imagine) and yep, T-shirts. Groovy titles too: The Wells Guide to Wellness, The Wells Rules for Wellness, Key to Wellness: It's All About You. Myron shook his head.
The auditorium was packed, the crowd so silent they'd put the Vatican to shame. Up on the stage, jittering to and fro like Robin Williams in his stand-up comic days, was the self-help guru himself. Sawyer Wells was resplendent in a business suit with the jacket off, shirt cuffs turned once, fancy suspenders cutting into his shoulders. A good look for a self-help guru: The expensive suit makes you reek of success while the jacket off and rolled-up sleeves give you the air of a regular guy. A perfectly balanced ensemble.
It's all about you, Sawyer Wells told the enraptured audience. If you remember nothing else today, remember that. It's all about you. Make everything about you. Every decision is about you. Everything you see, everything you touch is a reflection of you. No more than that it is you. You are everything. And everything is you.
Win leaned toward Myron. Isn't that a song?
The Stylistics, I think. Circa early seventies.
I want you to remember that, Sawyer continued. Visualize. Visualize everything as you. Your
family is you. Your job is you. When you're walking down the slreet, that beautiful tree is you.
That blooming rose is you.
Win said, That dirty commode at the bus terminal.
Myron nodded. You.
You see the boss, the leader, the breadwinner, the successful, fulfilled person. That person is
you. No one can lead you because the leader is you. You stand in front of your opponent, and
you know you can win because you are your opponent. And you know how to beat you.
Remember you are your opponent. Your opponent is you.
Win frowned. But don't you know how to beat you too?
It's a paradox, Myron agreed.
You fear the unknown, Sawyer Wells ranted. You fear success. You fear taking chances. But
now you know that the unknown is you. Success is you. Taking chances is you. You don't fear
you, do you?
Win frowned.
Listen to Mozart. Take long walks. Ask yourself what you did today. Do that every night.
Before you go to sleep, ask yourself if the world is better because of you. After all, it's your
world. You are the world.
Win said, If he breaks into a rendition of 'We Are the World,' I'm using my gun.
But you are your gun, Myron countered.
And he is my gun too.
Right.
Win considered that. So if he is my gun and my gun kills him, it's a suicide.
Take responsibility for your actions, Wells said. That's one of the Wells Rules for Wellness.
Take responsibility. Cher once said, 'Excuses won't lift your butt, 'kay?' Listen to that. Believe
that with all your heart.
The man was quoting Cher. The crowd was nodding. There is no God.
Confess something about yourself to a friend something awful, something you'd never want anyone to know. You'll feel better. You'll still see that you're worthy of love. And since your friend is you, you are really just telling yourself. Have an interest in everything. Thirst for knowledge. That's another rule. Remember that it's all about you. When you learn about other things, you are actually learning about yourself. Get to know you better.
Win looked at Myron, his face pained.
Let's wait outside, Myron said.
But luck was with them. Two sentences later Sawyer Wells was done. The crowd went ballistic.
They stood, they applauded, they hooted like an old Arsenio Hall audience.
Win shook his head. Four hundred dollars a pop.
That what this thing costs?
He is your money.
People approached the stage, stretching their hands toward the heavens in the vain hope that
Sawyer Wells might reach out and touch them. Myron and Win watched. The table with the
Wells paraphernalia was swarmed now like rotting fruit with buzzing flies.
The citified version of a tent revival, Win noted.
Myron nodded.
Eventually Sawyer Wells waved and ran offstage. The crowd continued to cheer and purchase.
Myron half expected a voice-over to announce that Elvis had left the building. Win and Myron
swam through the crowd.
Come, Win said. I have backstage passes.
Please tell me you're joking.
He wasn't. They actually said Backstage Pass on them. A plainclothes security guard scowled
at them and scrutinized the passes as if they were the Zapruder film. Satisfied, he let them past
the velvet rope. Yep, velvet rope. Sawyer Wells spotted Win and bounced toward them. So glad you could come, Win! He turned to Myron and stuck out his hand. Hi, I'm Sawyer Wells.
Myron shook it. Myron Bolitar.
Sawyer's smile flickered but stayed on. Nice to meet you, Myron.
Myron decided to try a frontal assault. Why did you fix Clu Haid's drug test so it would appear
he was taking heroin?
The smile was still there, but it wasn't sitting right. Pardon?
Clu Haid. The name ring a bell?
Of course. As I told Win yesterday, I worked very hard with him.
Worked how?
To keep him off drugs. I have an extensive background as a drug counselor. That's how I was
trained. To help addicts.
Not so different from what you're doing now, Myron said.
Pardon?
Peopl
e with addictive personalities need an addiction. If it's not booze or drugs, maybe it's
religion or self-help mumbo jumbo. They're simply swapping addictions; we hope to one less
damaging.
Sawyer Wells overnodded. That's a really interesting viewpoint, Myron.
Gee, thanks, Sawyer.
I learned much about human frailty, about our lack of self-esteem, from addicts like Clu Haid.
As I said, I worked very hard with him. His failure hurt me greatly.
Win said, Because it was your failure.
Pardon?
You are everything, and everything is you, Win said. You are Clu Haid. He failed, ergo you
failed.
Sawyer Wells maintained the smile. But it was different when he looked at Win. His gestures
were tighter too, more controlled. He was one of those guys who tried to imitate the person with
whom he was conversing. Myron hated that. I see you came in at the end of my seminar, Win.
Did I misunderstand your message?
No, it's not that. But a man creates his own world. That's my point. You are what you create,
what you perceive. Take responsibility. That's the most important component of the Wells Guide to Wellness. You take responsibility for your own actions. And you admit fault. You know what the two most beautiful sentences in the world are?
Win opened his mouth, stopped, looked at Myron, shook his head. Too easy, he said.
I am responsible,' Sawyer continued. 'It's my fault.' He turned toward Myron. Say it,
Myron.
What?
Come on. It's exhilarating. Say, ? am responsible. It's my fault.' Stop passing the buck in your
life. Say it. Come on, I'll say it with you. Win, you too.
Myron and Sawyer said, I am responsible. It's my fault. Win remained silent.
Feel better? Sawyer said.
It was almost like sex, Myron said.
It can be powerful, yes.
Yeah, uh-huh. Look, Sawyer, I'm not here to critique your seminar. I want to know about Clu's
drug test. It was fixed. We have evidence that proves that fact. You helped administer that test. I
want to know why you made it look like Clu was on drugs.
I don't know what you're talking about.
The autopsy shows conclusively that Clu hadn't taken drugs for at least two months before his
death. Yet you tested him positive two weeks ago.
Maybe the test was faulty, Sawyer said.
Win tsk-tsked. Say, ? am responsible. It's my fault'
