by Dawn Martens
She draws in a big breath then lets it out shakily. “You have to promise not to tell a soul.”
“Just us,” I promise.
“Eden took off. Her father, God, it was bad, Hilary. She went to my mom, got a bus ticket, and is staying with my Aunt and cousin Tori. She called me last night and told me everything. She said she watched her dad kill her mom,” she says tearfully.
“Oh my God!” I breathe out, releasing her chin. “We have to tell Jasper!” I exclaim.
“No!” Lilly nearly slaps me. “I promised her, and you promised me.”
“Okay, but when shit starts to get out of control, we’re gonna have to tell them. How can I stay married to Mason and be around Jasper while holding on to this fucking secret?”
Lilly’s head drops. “I know, but it’s what she wants, and for now, the best thing we can do is just be there for her if she needs us.”
I nod, agreeing. I don’t like this at all. If those stupid idiots would have just told Eden about the club, she would have known she’d be safer here than running away.
Marital bliss is not all it’s cracked up to be. We’ve only been married a year, and I swear to God, I’m starting to regret this. We fight- God, we fight so much. I don’t know what the hell is going on with him, but I’m not liking this. What happened to my Mason? He’s so...dark lately.
And his stupid bullshit of thinking I’m cheating on him has started. I don’t get his deal. I had to take a sick day from school today, because the second I woke up, I started barfing non-stop. I ended up at the doctor’s office late this afternoon because I just wasn’t feeling right.
Now, I’m waiting for Mason to get home so I can share our news.
I decided to just eat crackers, because everything else doesn’t seem to like me—I’m sick of puking. I lie on the couch, flip on the TV, and am waiting for Criminal Minds to start when I hear Mason pull up.
Turning the TV down a bit, I sit up and wait with butterflies filling my stomach.
“Babe,” Mason calls when he walks in.
“In here,” I call back. I half expect to see him walk in with blood all over him, but luckily he’s clean. Thank God.
“How you feelin’?” he asks as he feels my forehead, concerned.
“A bit better. The doctor gave me some meds.” I shrug, waiting for the right moment to tell him.
His forehead wrinkles. “Why’d he give you meds for the flu?”
“He didn’t,” I state coolly. A smile is threatening to break free from the confines of my calm demeanor.
His face pales slightly. “Are you okay?” he asks, coming toward me on the couch.
I smile. “We’re pregnant,” I announce happily.
His face turns dark. “What?” He shrinks back from me and nearly hits his ass on the floor.
“That’s why I’ve been so sick. I’m pregnant,” I tell him.
“I should have told you to get on somethin’ better. You are fuckin’ terrible at taking your stupid pills,” he says while stomping out of the room.
I frown, confused. I thought he’d be happy. “Why are you so mad?” I ask, getting up from the couch and following him down the hall to our room.
He turns around. “I don’t want fuckin’ kids!” he yells in my face. “With the shit I fuckin’ do, do you really think I want to bring kids into this fucked up mess?” he spits his poison at me.
“Mason, maybe this was something we should have talked about before getting married,” I say, getting pissed and pointing my finger in his chest.
“Shut up. I don’t want to hear anything right now.”
“I didn’t fuck myself!” I screech.
“No, you didn’t. Who else you been fuckin’? I know we’ve been careful about that shit. You steppin’ out on me?” His eyes are black as he towers over me.
“You don’t intimidate me, and you should fucking know better. When in the hell would I have the time? Prick, I eat, sleep, go to school, and then come home and fuck your dumb ass. Nothing else.” I spin, throwing my hands up. Fuck him and his bullshit.
“Don’t walk away from me.” He jerks me back by my hair, yanking on it hard.
“Let go of me,” I tell him, fear suddenly hitting me. When he lets go, I shove him back. “Fuck you. Come talk to me when you’re ready to be a man.” His face falls, and I leave him in the hallway. I grab my purse from the couch and go to my mom’s house to give him some space.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I almost fuckin’ hit her. I’m in too fuckin’ deep with the club, and when she started mouthing off at me, I wanted to punch her. I used to love her mouth, her temper, all of it, but lately, I can’t seem to fuckin’ stand her.
I should have made her stay so we could talk, but I let her walk out. A lot of the brothers in the club that have old ladies have told me the reason they fuck around is to release anger, so when they get home to their wives, they aren’t bringing the club home.
That would be easy enough for me; willing women are always around the club, but I know if I did, I would feel the guilt of it every time I looked at Hilary.
Ever since Vic made me make my first kill, I’ve felt like a piece of shit. The sick part of it is that I’m good at it.
“Mason,” Vic called out as I entered the clubhouse. “Need you in the office.”
I walked into the room and faced him, not bothering to sit down. “Having a bit of a problem with Veronica. Need you to give her a scare.”
“What kind of scare?” I asked.
“You want a full patch in?” I’d wanted to be a part of the club ever since I met Jasper and was first allowed in the clubhouse. I’d been prospecting since the moment I turned eighteen.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
He grinned. “Good. We’ve threatened the bitch many times, but she doesn’t listen. She’s even been spilling shit to her father, and he’s been trying to take us down. This will be her last warning before we take her out.”
“Okay, so what do you want me to do?” I asked, getting excited to have my in.
“Kill them, all of them,” he said, smiling. “You do this, you won’t spend another day prospecting, and I’ll even give Vincent a patch in too.”
I gulped. Kill? “What about Jasper?”
“I have plans for him. He’ll have to earn his patch in another way. Don’t you worry about that,” Vic said while leaning back in his chair. “Well, is that a yes or a no?”
“How do you want it done?”
I sit on my couch and lean forward. That was the night I came home to Hilary covered in blood. That was the night I’ll never forget the fuckin’ look on that little boy’s face when I shot him. Fuck, I didn’t mean to fuckin’ shoot him. I didn’t even know he was there. Victor didn’t want any gun evidence at the scene, makes for easier clean up, but I also didn’t want to slowly kill a woman either.
After I slit Roni’s father’s throat, I quickly shot her mother. That’s when I heard the footsteps behind me. Only, I didn’t know that it was just a kid until I spun around and fired.
How am I supposed to be a father when I killed a child?
I feel like a monster.
It took Reaper a week to get over the pregnancy thing, and since then, he’s been keeping a watchful eye on me. He even tried to tell me I can’t go to the gym anymore, but I can’t just let myself get fat. I told him to calm his tits, because I’m not giving up my figure.
I see Bryce in the weight room while I’m on the stepper, and I smile at him. He and Vinny haven’t been getting along all that much lately. Their mom’s a cunt who treats Lilly like shit, too, so I’m sure that has something to do with it.
I get off the machine and wipe it down. I’m taking a swig of water when feel it- this horrible pain in my stomach. “Oh my God,” I breathe out.
“You okay?” I hear Bryce say from behind me.
I scream out in agony. “What’s happening?” I question. Something’s wrong, very wrong.
“Hilary, you’re bleeding
,” Bryce says, sounding worried.
I look down at my legs and see blood running down from my shorts. “The baby,” I say, horrified.
Mason’s finally Team Baby, and now it seems as if I’m losing this child. This can’t be happening.
“It’s okay! I’ll get you to the hospital, okay?” he tells me gently.
“Mason... I need to call Mason,” I say while crying.
“Okay, we’ll call him on the way, alright?” He scoops me up in his arms and starts jogging with me to his car. Once he straps me into the passenger seat, he runs around to the driver’s side, slamming the door as he starts the car.
Pulling out onto the street, he grabs his cell from the middle console. “Hey, you with Mason?” I hear him say. “Fuck, you know where he is?” he asks urgently. “I’m with Hilary right now, man. It’s bad. He needs to get up to the hospital.” Pause. “Yeah, I’m taking her now. Okay, later.” He flips his phone off and puts it back into the center console.
“Vinny’s gonna track him down. He’s doing something for the club, so he’s unreachable right now,” he tells me, reaching over and grabbing my hand to squeeze it.
Mason and his stupid fucking club... I need him right now. Tears are running down my face, and sweat gets in my eyes from my workout, making them burn. I can’t even see straight, I’m so upset. Bryce gets me to the emergency entrance and goes for help. Moments later, a nurse helps me from the car and into a wheelchair. The next few hours pass by in a blur. I feel so empty, so alone. The one person I need most isn’t here for me. My child is gone. Maybe it is for the best. Mason wasn’t ready to be a dad, but I wanted this baby. I loved my baby. Why did this happen to me?
I’m gonna be a dad. Shit. I know I told Hilary I was happy about this, but I’m far from it. The look on her face, the joy... Fuck! I have to get over my issues about this quick. I hated seeing the pain in her face when I said I didn’t want a kid with the way my life is.
Pres has us in fuckin’ Red Deer doing a gun trade with the fuckin’ Untamed Angels. I don’t want be here. Fuckin’ Hangman, the Pres of this club, is as psycho as they fuckin’ come. Motherfucker makes Victor seem like the damn Easter Bunny.
We’re sitting around the meeting table in the Untamed Angels’ club when my burner phone rings. It rings over and over again, and Victor finally snaps. “Fuckin’ answer it.”
“Sorry Pres.” I take it out and see a number I don’t know. “Reaper,” I answer.
“Fuck, man, it’s Vinny. I’m up at the hospital. Hilary… Shit man, she lost the baby!” he tells me.
“What?” I feel sick.
“Man, you need to find a way to get home. She needs you, man.” Vinny hangs up before I can ask anything or say anything more.
“Everything okay?” Victor asks, looking concerned, which is fuckin’ new. I never knew the old bastard had it in him.
I shake my head. “Fuck, anyway can I get outta this? Hilary’s in the hospital,” I tell him.
“Sorry, Reaper, I need you tonight, but you can leave early. Just do this job tonight, and you can head out,” he says, not looking sorry one bit. Greedy bastard.
“She’s losing the baby, brother. I need to be with her.” It shouldn’t be this hard to choose between my club and my wife, but I know that if I walk out of here now, Vic will end me. I can’t be looking over my shoulder and put Hilary in more danger than she’s already in by being my wife.
“Didn’t even know she was expecting. Be grateful this happened, boy.” His words pierce through me. Fuck, I didn’t even want this kid, and now I’m feeling fuckin’ guilty that this is happening to my wife. “I’ll let you make a quick phone call, but make it fast,” he tells me, nodding to the door for me to step outside.
Dialing Vinny’s number after trying Hilary’s, he answers. “Man, you coming?” he asks, sounding pissed.
“Can’t. Vic said I can leave early, but not right now,” I tell him. “Why isn’t Hilary picking up her phone?”
“She left it in Bryce’s car. She’s freaking out, man. She lost the baby. Doctor had to sedate her because she was freaking out so bad and her blood pressure was sky rocketing,” he tells me, but I tuned him out after he said her phone was in Bryce’s car.
“Why the fuck was she with Bryce?” I ask, pissed.
“Calm down, man. She was at the gym, and he was there too. He’s the one that got her here.” Hearing that calms me down a bit, but it still pisses me off that my wife was with another man.
“Let her know I’m sorry, man, okay? I’ll be home tomorrow.” I hang up, not trusting anything else to come out of my mouth.
She was with Bryce. It’s not the first fuckin’ time I’ve thought she was cheating on me. I’ll kill that meathead.
“Here.” Vic shoves a straw up my nose, and I look at him, unsure. Now doesn’t seem like a good time to be getting’ fucked up on powder. “Need your head clear of that pussy shit,” he barks, growing irritated.
I bend down and look at him once more, hesitating. I hope this shit is pure and not laced with some bullshit. I don’t trust Hangman’s crew.
“Either you’re with me or against me. What’s it gonna be, boy?” Vic grits in my ear, getting pissed. I decide I had better not push my luck with him any further tonight. I snort my line, feeling the burn until it numbs my throat. All the shit does is make my mind race faster and piss me off even further that I can’t be with Hilary. I should be comforting her right now.
A week has passed since I lost my child. Mason didn’t say anything to me about it when he came home two days ago, just acted like it never happened. When I tried to bring it up, he would change the subject. Today, I’m going to seek out Bryce to talk to him; he’s been here for me when Mason hasn’t.
Mason left this morning, without even a kiss good morning or goodbye. His face is in a permanent scowl lately. Losing this baby is pushing me further and further away from him. Can’t he see that he’s hurting me when I need him most? I suppose I take the vows we made more seriously than he ever has. Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake by marrying him. I should have waited until I was finished with school; maybe then I would have realized we were wrong for each other. How can I be with a man who can’t even kiss me or tell me he loves me when we’ve just lost a child?
I text Bryce and ask him to meet me at Momma B’s bakery.
Walking into the bakery, I see that Bryce is already here, so I move toward his table. Instead of sliding in across from him, I slide in beside him and burrow my face into his chest. I just need to be held by someone who cares. Apparently, my husband doesn’t give two shits to the wind how I feel.
“Shh, Hilary, it’s okay,” he says while rubbing my back with his strong caring hands.
“I don’t know why this happened, and Mason just doesn’t care,” I sob, unable to hold back my tears any longer.
“He’s probably just processing everything in his own way. You know how he is. He bottles everything up.”
“Doesn’t make it hurt any less.” I wipe at my tears, only finding a small comfort in what Bryce is saying. Mason’s shit for sharing his feelings. I guess I didn’t stop to think of how he could be hurting from this too, but how would I? He’s been gone, and when he does come around, it’s like living with a damn mute.
It’s not long before Mason comes charging into the bakery, glaring at us.
“You fuckin’ around on me?” Mason sneers.
“Are you spying on me?”
“Do I have a reason to be?” He has the nerve to question me.
“Of course not!” I snap at him, my face a blotchy mess from crying.
“Well, what the fuck is this then?” His hands smack down onto the table loudly, making me nearly jump from my seat. Bryce shifts uncomfortably. I feel horrible for dragging him into my mess.
I get out of the booth and step up to him. “I just lost my child. You won’t fucking be there for me, and since Bryce actually fucking cares, I came to talk to him. Because that’s what a
real man does- listens and actually talks.”
Before I know it, Mason’s fist connects with my face. I scurry away from him in shock, holding my cheek.
“You mother fucker,” Bryce yells.
“Mason, boy, you best get the fuck out of my shop now,” I hear Momma B say. I turn and look at her, and she has her shot gun pointed at him.
Mason’s jaw and fists are clenched tight.
Bryce steps in close and forces him outside.
He hit me. Mason, the man I’ve loved forever, the man I’ve been with since I was fourteen, hit me. Momma B wraps her free arm around me, trying to console me.
Bryce and Mason are outside, toe-to-toe and shouting in one another’s faces. I can hear them through the glass.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, man? Your wife needs you. She just lost your baby, and you console her by putting your hands on her. You don’t fucking deserve her!”
“Don’t give a fuck if you’re Vincent’s brother! That’s not gonna stop me from beating your ass,” Mason threatens. I’ve never been scared of him before, despite everything- the killing, all of it.
Until now.
Momma B walks me into her office at the back of her bakery and makes me sit down. “I want you to tell me right now, Hilary- has he ever hit you before?” she asks as she puts ice to my cheek.
I take in a shuddering breath. “He’s just so angry lately, so dark. I don’t know what’s going on with him.”
Momma B sighs and sits down next to me, but still keeps her hand on my cheek with the ice. “You shouldn’t put up with that, Hilary. No man has the right to put his hands on a woman in anger.”
I don’t say anything because I know she’s right.
“I understand you want to stick with him, but promise me, if he hurts you again, you’ll leave. Promise me right now, Hilary,” she demands.
“Yes, I promise,” I say quietly.
“I love you, darling,” she says, pulling me tightly to her.
