Shape of My Heart

by LuAnn McLane

  “Mmm,” she said from behind her wineglass, avoiding his gaze.

  “Great. They have wine tastings too.” Not the enthusiasm he was hoping for, but he’d take it. She was here. After taking a drink of the wine, he puttered around, slicing Vermont cheddar cheese and summer sausage, finishing up with some grapes and apple slices. He found some crackers and then placed the bountiful plate on the counter. “Dig in.” He pointed to the pan of brownies. “Thanks for the dessert. I’m a big fan of chocolate.”

  “My granny’s recipe,” Maggie said, and nibbled on her lip. “The burnt buttercream icing is the key.”

  “I have a sweet tooth and I love brownies.” He reached into a cabinet and found a dish to put water down for Trixie.

  “Thoughtful,” Maggie said, finally giving him a warm smile.

  “I try to be.”

  Maggie raised her eyebrows. “I don’t think you have to try. More like it’s in your nature.”

  “A compliment?”

  “You deserve for me to be nicer than I’ve been. It’s just that …” She closed her eyes and shrugged.

  When Jimmy leaned closer and lightly touched her hand, she opened her eyes. “Hey, I want you to relax, okay?”

  Maggie looked at him and met his gaze full-on. “I should have told you earlier that I knew who you were.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  Maggie plucked a green grape from the bunch but didn’t put it in her mouth. She studied it for a couple of seconds and then returned her attention to Jimmy.

  “Maggie?”

  “Well …” She raised her shoulders and then released a long sigh. “Because every night before I went to sleep, I used to blow a kiss at your Heartbeat picture that hung on my bedroom wall. I wrote ‘Maggie May Heart’ in my diary. And I know every Heartbeat song from start to finish.”

  Jimmy smiled. “I think that’s super cute.”

  Maggie rolled her eyes but smiled. “Really?”

  “Yeah. So was I your favorite Heart brother?” He tapped his chest, pleased.

  “Oh yes.”

  “Cool. I get tired of the answer being Grady.”

  Maggie sucked her bottom lip in and then said, “As you already know, I was going through a frizzy-haired, difficult adolescence, teased … sometimes bullied,” she reminded him softly. “And you were there up on my wall, smiling at me. I mean, your brothers were cute too, but there was something earnest, kind in your expression. And … you just made me sigh.” She crossed her wrists over her chest and demonstrated. “I just knew if we ever met you would be nice to me.”

  “I would have been, Maggie.” The thought of anyone being mean to her made him grit his teeth in anger.

  Maggie nodded slowly. “And I was right, but in my wildest dreams, I never expected to ever actually meet you.”

  “And yet here we are.”

  “Yeah.” She gave Jimmy a tentative smile and Jimmy longed to pull her into his arms, but he didn’t want to scare her off again. Still, it was hard not to reach for her. “I should have been up-front about knowing who you were … Johnny.” She put one hand over her face and groaned. “What was wrong with me?”

  Jimmy chuckled. “I have to admit, my ego was a little bruised. Not that I cared if you knew I was part of Heartbeat, but that you didn’t remember my name was Jimmy.”

  “James Andrew Heart.”

  Jimmy grinned.

  “Silly of me to pretend otherwise. I’m so sorry. I guess I didn’t want you to think I was this big fangirl who lived next door. Honestly, I’m surprised I didn’t remember you lived in Sea Breeze. I’m pretty good at Heartbeat trivia.”

  “Well, we lived in LA during our heyday and didn’t mention Sea Breeze, wanting to give my mother the privacy she deserved while she was sick. The fan magazines listed LA as our hometown. Sea Breeze wasn’t really common knowledge until we moved back here and the city decided to put up the welcome sign. We agreed, thinking it would be good for tourism.”

  “Makes sense.”

  “Honestly, I’m glad you didn’t tell me. I mean, I wondered if you knew, but it kept the Heartbeat thing out of me wanting to get to know you.”

  “I never thought about that, only from my angle.” Maggie tilted her head. “I guess it must be hard for you to not know if someone is genuine or if they just want the bragging rights of dating you because of the fame.”

  “Unfortunately, you’re spot-on. But I don’t want who I am to have the opposite effect on you, Maggie.” He reached over and rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. “I want to get to know you better. The night of the storm, you opened up to me.”

  Maggie glanced away. “I usually never do that.”

  “I’m glad you did. Look, I don’t care if we’re neighbors, or if I’m part of a boy band, or that you had a teenage crush on me … anything else for that matter. Maggie, I fully admit, I think about you a lot. I asked both Oliver and Jesse for advice on how to win you over.”

  “Really?” She put her free hand over her lips for a second. “Oh, wow.”

  “Yeah.” Jimmy nodded. “And I finally got Trixie calmed down, but now I can’t compose because thoughts of you get in the way.”

  Maggie appeared surprised but then winced. “Sorry.”

  “Then let me in, Maggie. Please stop pushing me away.” He shook his head. “Avoiding me.”

  “Okay.” Maggie gave him a small smile. “I’ll be honest. The avoiding-you part sucked. I was going stir-crazy.”

  “And I was feeling like a stalker, waiting impatiently for you to come out onto the balcony, or show up at the mailbox. Listen to this one: I would go back to the mailbox after I already picked up my mail and hang out trying to ‘casually’ run into you.”

  “Wow, for real?”

  “Uh, yeah. I was so desperate I asked Jesse for help, and he surprised me with some sound advice.”

  Maggie sucked her bottom lip in for a second. “But you have to understand how wild this is for me. I mean, not only are you famous—”

  “Wait.” Jimmy leaned back and put up both hands. “Uh, and so are you. You’ve signed autographs and have a huge social media following. You’ve given sold-out talks and seminars. And you’ve been on several national talk shows.”

  “You’ve done some digging.”

  “I have.” Jimmy nodded. “And I’ve read some of your work. Good stuff. Meaningful. You must get some satisfaction out of helping vulnerable young lives become better, stronger.”

  “I do have a following.” Maggie shook her head firmly but raised her hands upward. “But not in the same way that you do at all. No one’s ever screamed when they spotted me or chased me down the block.”

  “I can do that, if you like. In fact, for the past few days, I’ve come very close. You were like this elusive thing—you were there and then disappeared around the corner, poof! Like quicksilver.” He wiggled his fingers in the air and then made a mental note. “Quicksilver” … the name of the song he would write for her.

  Maggie laughed, and Jimmy realized how much he adored the sound. “I just …” She shook her head. “I just don’t know, Jimmy. It’s sort of surreal for me. To have a childhood fantasy become reality is just, I don’t know, kinda crazy. Things like that don’t happen to me. To most people. Put yourself in my shoes.”

  Jimmy took a sip of his wine. He looked down at the deep red liquid and then back at her. “I can see where you’re coming from. Funny thing is that Oliver and I were recently talking about how hard it is for us to have a normal life after Heartbeat. Or during. See, we didn’t go to high school and learn how to approach a girl, go to a dance. There were no Friday night lights. You’re right, our lives were crazy for a few years, but Maggie, in the end, we’re just people too, you know?”

  “Well, yeah, I know you’re right, but still …”

  “I want someone special in my life.” He patted his chest. “And if you give me a chance, it could be you … and I just might be right for you too.” He searched her face for a
nswers.

  “I’m afraid.”

  “Me too,” Jimmy said, and he meant it. “Losing my parents had a profound effect on me, and on my brothers as well. Loving someone means taking a risk on losing them. But Grady did it and so did Oliver. I want what they have. Someone meaningful to share special moments with. Don’t you want that too?”

  Maggie frowned. “I’m a complicated person, Jimmy.” She looked over at Trixie and pointed. “I even had a hard time getting a dog for fear I would love her and then be heartbroken if something happened to her. If she ran off. Got hit by a car. Didn’t like me.”

  “Okay, that last part was far-fetched.”

  “Not in my mind.”

  “But aren’t you glad you took the chance?” Jimmy raised his eyebrows. God, he wanted to kiss her. Chase away her fears. Be her shoulder to lean on.

  “Yes, but then I was terrified when she fell off the boardwalk. My heart felt as if it were going to beat right out of my chest. Jimmy, I think maybe I’m too unsure, too afraid to risk falling in love.”

  “In general, or with me?”

  “Both. Especially you.” She scooted her glass toward him.

  “More?”

  “No, I think I’d better go.” She looked at him with stormy eyes.

  “Don’t. Please.” Jimmy poured more wine into her glass and topped his off. “Why don’t we take the wine and the cheese plate out onto the balcony? Enjoy the evening?”

  At the word balcony Trixie perked up.

  “Looks like Trixie’s game.” Jimmy raised his eyebrows hopefully. He held out his hand and smiled. “Come on, please?”

  Maggie pressed her lips together and closed her eyes.

  “I’ll sing for you?”

  Her eyes opened wide and she groaned. “You don’t play fair.”

  Jimmy tilted his head and gave her his most winning smile. “Is that a yes?”

  Maggie shook her head up at the ceiling and then nodded. “If you make me regret this, I’ll—”

  “Kick my ass?”

  “I was going to say ‘sic Trixie on you,’ but apparently she’s your buddy now.”

  Jimmy nodded smugly. “I think you’re right.” When Maggie slid off the stool, Jimmy wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her the way he’d imagined for days. But he picked up the cheese platter and his glass of wine. “After you.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  I GOTTA FEELING

  Maggie tried hard not to have a dreamy expression on her face while Jimmy strummed his guitar and sang several sexy, sultry love songs that she noticed were hits for other artists, not Heartbeat. His rich, deep voice felt like velvet against her skin, and she swayed while she sat, but she also had an odd urge to get up and dance. Thankfully, she refrained—or at least she thought she did.

  But where should she look? While she didn’t want to stare, she couldn’t begin to take her eyes off Jimmy. Luckily, he bent his dark head over his guitar and concentrated on his music, so she could go ahead and swoon without him noticing … or at least she hoped he didn’t look up and catch her in the act. She watched his long fingers strum the strings of the guitar, his bare foot tapping, the slight sway of his wide shoulders.

  Ah, but part of her wanted him to know how much the acoustic performance moved her emotionally, physically … completely.

  Trixie curled up at the base of Maggie’s feet, head resting on her paws, lulled to sleep by the music, which made Maggie smile. Maggie felt her body relax against the cushions of her chair. The rest of the world faded while she absorbed the beauty of Jimmy’s performance, meant only for her.

  Amazing.

  Maggie cradled her glass in her hands, forgetting to sip her wine or nibble on cheese, not wanting a single distraction from Jimmy’s voice. When he finally paused at the end of a song to take a swig of his wine, Maggie asked, “You wrote all those songs?”

  “I did.” Jimmy nodded. “After Heartbeat stopped recording, I still wanted to write songs. And while I got a kick out of writing the boy-band material for a younger audience, I loved writing ballads the most.”

  “But Jimmy, why did you write those beautiful songs for other artists when you have such an incredible voice of your own?”

  “Thank you.” Jimmy placed his glass on the small oval table beside his chair. He smiled over at her. “Stage fright, for one thing. Plus, I enjoy songwriting way more than performing.” He picked up a long lighter and lit a fat candle on the table in front of him. “I enjoy this lifestyle much more.”

  “Now I understand why you love to compose out here.” Soft light spilled out from his condo, giving the balcony an intimate setting. The rhythmic sound of the sea hitting the shore could be heard in the distance, and a breeze cooled the temperature to perfection.

  “It became part of my therapy.”

  “Understandable.” Maggie scrunched her shoulders up for a second. “I have a confession.”

  Jimmy raised his eyebrows. “Go ahead.”

  “Oh, why did I just say that?”

  “Too late now. Confession time has arrived.”

  “Okay.” Maggie shifted in her seat. “Much like your music is for you, writing is my therapy. I continue to understand and heal myself. But it also reopens old wounds.”

  “It must be painful to revisit dark emotions.”

  “Yeah.” Maggie nodded.

  “I’m getting the feeling that wasn’t your confession.”

  “You’re right.” She rubbed her lips together. “After Trixie would go to sleep, I would sometimes sneak out and sit on my balcony, in the shadows, and listen to you sing.” Maggie lifted her chin, determined to go on. “The beauty of your words helped me get through some of the painful passages I had to write in my work in progress. I pretty much have to open a vein to make my writing resonate with readers.” She gave him a shy shrug. “So there you have it.” She lifted one palm.

  Jimmy sat very still.

  “Oh, wow.” Maggie swallowed hard. “Are you upset that I was sort of eavesdropping?”

  “Of course not. And it’s not exactly eavesdropping, since I wasn’t having a conversation.” He shook his head slowly. “I’m glad you told me. It’s not easy to convey an emotion in so few words.”

  “You do it very well.”

  “Ah, Maggie, to know that I somehow helped?”

  “Healed,” she said softly. “Music has always been healing for me.” She sat up straighter. “Songwriters don’t get the props they deserve,” she said firmly.

  “Thank you. It’s my passion. It’s in my blood.” Jimmy smiled warmly. “After Heartbeat stopped touring and recording, we all wanted to find a way to keep our hands in music, one way or another. From the time we were kids, music dominated our lives, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Since Oliver was the youngest, he wanted to continue to perform. He lobbied hard for us to rekindle our career, but I didn’t want the grueling grind of constant travel. You hear about artists suddenly in the hospital suffering from exhaustion, and it really does take its toll, physically and emotionally. And I never did take to live performances. I never got completely comfortable with singing, and God, dancing? Ugh, the dance moves … in front of thousands of screaming girls? It was torture.”

  “Oh. But why didn’t you sing lead on any of the Heartbeat songs? You sure do have the chops.” Maggie reached over and took a slice of cheese, suddenly realizing she was hungry now that Jimmy wasn’t singing.

  “Well, in boy bands, we all have our role. With his charisma and swagger and bad-boy charm, Grady was perfect for the front man.” Jimmy placed his guitar on his lap and laced his fingers together. “We had to fit together and yet all have distinct personalities. It was super important to make the dynamics of the band work. I had the voice, but I wasn’t cut out for the lead. And I sure as hell didn’t want it.”

  Maggie reached for a cracker and a slice of sausage and Jimmy did the same. “Ahhh, okay.”

  After polishing off his stacked cracker, Jimmy plucked a few grap
es from the bunch and popped a couple of them in his mouth. Damn, how could eating a grape be so sexy?

  “Open your mouth.”

  “What?”

  Jimmy tossed a grape at her, laughing when she missed. “Fail.”

  “Hey, it’s pretty dark.”

  “Really? Ha, well, watch this.” He put his guitar to the side, tossed a grape up in the air, and caught it in his mouth, chewing with a smug smile.

  “Show-off.”

  “I prefer an audience of one.” He tossed another grape into the air and had to tilt his head way back to catch it, but succeeded.

  “Impressive.”

  “I’m trying to impress you. Is it working?”

  “A little,” she said in a tiny voice, but then laughed, enjoying the easy camaraderie. Trixie raised her head and yapped, as if wanting to get in on the fun.

  “Only a little? Well, watch this.” He tossed two grapes in the air and tilted his head back. One grape hit him on the nose and the other one landed on the floor. “Oops.”

  “Fail,” Maggie teased, laughing. “But see, it’s the lighting. Maybe try something else?” She could think of a few things.

  “Damn, that’s all I’ve got.”

  Oh no it wasn’t. Not by a long shot.

  Jimmy tried and missed again. He raised his hands upward and then smacked his thighs. “Well, damn. I guess I’m rusty.” Trixie trotted over to a grape, put it in her mouth, and then spit it out. After shooting Jimmy a thanks-for-nothing look, she returned to her spot at Maggie’s feet. Jimmy chuckled and then turned his attention to Maggie. “So, you know my grape-tossing sucks. What else would you like to know about me?”

  Maggie’s mind went where it shouldn’t. “Tell me about the Heartbeat days.” In truth, she’d been eager to know more about Heartbeat. Jimmy seemed willing to answer questions now that her secret was out in the open, so she decided to go for it. “How did you even know you guys could harmonize?”

  “My parents were very musical, so singing and playing musical instruments just came naturally to us all. Every Friday night was talent night at the Hearts’.”