by Sophie Oak
Julian gritted his teeth. Of all the people he didn’t want to deal with at this moment, Leo was the third. Danielle and Finn would be worse, but Leo was definitely not someone he wanted to talk to. He’d hoped Leo would stay in the main house. It was just his luck Leo had followed him to the guesthouse where Julian had spent twenty minutes packing his clothes and trying not to look at the bed where he’d taken Danielle and Finn.
Julian closed his suitcase and glanced at the clock. It had been hours, and there was still no word on when Danielle would be released. He’d spoken to Jackson earlier. Lexi was still unconscious and, though the doctors believed she would be fine, being kept overnight. Sam had already gone to the hospital by the time Julian had finished with the cops. Danielle was fine, Jackson had told him, they were just waiting for her blood work and she would be released.
Julian intended to be gone long before then.
He turned to his troublesome employee. “I don’t consider Jeremy’s death a tragedy. I wish we’d killed the little fucker when we caught him trying to dose Lucas. As for my exit, I believe it will be easier for everyone to get on with their lives if I head home.”
Where he would never again try this whole huggy, love crap. The next time Jackson called, he would be busy. Jackson didn’t need him. Samuel didn’t need him. He would treat Leo as the employee he was from now on, and he would never again take a slave. He would fuck the subs in his club, but they wouldn’t belong to him.
He’d begged. He’d pleaded. God, he’d known that if Jeremy hurt Danielle the way he’d threatened to, he would have rather died than live knowing what he’d cost her. He couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t be in that position again. It wasn’t worth it.
“You’re running. Can’t you see that?” Leo asked the question on an exasperated sigh.
Of course he was running. He was running as fast as his not fully functional legs would take him. If he didn’t, she would be here again. Finn would be here, with his hard eyes. Julian had felt every inch of Finn’s wrath when he’d carried Danielle out of the cabin that had served as their torture chamber. He certainly hadn’t missed Finn’s pointed use of the word “my” when he talked about Danielle being his girl. No “our” girl.
It was far better that way.
“I prefer to think of it as knowing when I’ve outstayed my welcome.” The next time he needed a vacation, he’d rent an island and go alone.
“I don’t think Dani and Finn are going to feel the same way.” Leo’s muscular arms were crossed over his chest. “I think they’re going to feel very used, Julian.”
Acid burned in his gut. He knew how Danielle would feel. She would feel small. She would feel confused since he’d given every indication that he wanted her to come with him when he left. If he were in Danielle’s position, he would be very angry. But he wasn’t Danielle. Danielle wouldn’t be angry. Her heart would break.
“That isn’t my problem, Leo. I didn’t sign a contract. I owe them nothing.” The words tasted bitter on his tongue, but it was best to break the tie now. If he didn’t, Julian worried he would never break the tie. He would never be able to give them up. They would be the ones to leave. He couldn’t handle that.
“You and your contracts.” Leo’s eyes were rolling in a fashion that got Julian’s back up. “You think those contracts will protect you, but they can’t. If you got Dani and Finn to sign a contract, they could still leave you. They could still die or fall in love with someone else or just decide they made a mistake. Believe me, I know. I signed a pretty fucking permanent contract, and three years later I was signing divorce papers. Nothing is for certain.”
And that was precisely why Julian wouldn’t do anything like this again. “Thank you for making my point. As it happens, I’ve changed my mind about contracts. I don’t think I’ll sign another. I think I’ll keep everything casual from now on. Better for everyone.”
“It sure isn’t better for you. You’re not going to understand a word I say, but I’m going to say it anyway. Nothing is certain, but you got to try, man. You think I’m going to let the fact that my ex couldn’t handle my military service deter me from finding someone else, someone to spend my life with? I’m looking. When I find her, I’m sure not going to let past heartaches keep me from future happiness.”
Julian felt his fists clench. Sanctimonious prick. Leo had no idea what he was talking about. Julian hadn’t had his wife walk out. He’d had his world destroyed. First by an accident, and then by his uncle’s neglect. Jeremy had just pointed out to him that it could all happen again. He’d almost taken Danielle from him. The hole in his life would have been huge, and he’d only spent a few days with her. What if he brought Danielle and Finn to live with him? How much would he ache when they left? The only way to protect himself was to not give a shit. It protected him. It protected Danielle and Finn, too. He’d been the one to put them in danger. With the enemies he had, it could happen again. “Stay out of this, Leo.”
“I’ve stayed out of it for years. What are you so fucking afraid of?”
A low anger churned in his gut. Leo thought he could psychoanalyze him? Well, he knew a thing or two about his Dom in residence. Leo wasn’t as brave as he made himself out to be. “That is none of your business. And you’re quite the hypocrite to call me out. You have a doctorate, and yet you spend your time in a BDSM club spanking submissives. What a crock. Why don’t we talk about what happened in Afghanistan, Leo? You talk about that, and maybe I’ll think about listening to you. You’ve used my club to hide for years, you little prick.”
Leo’s jaw firmed and a low snarl came from the back of his throat. “I might be hiding, but I’m not hurting anyone. I’m not letting people fall in love with me and then dumping them the minute the going gets a little tough. You know what? You’re a pussy.”
Julian practically teared up in joy. This was what he needed. He reared back and let his fist fly, connecting firmly with Leo’s jaw. The younger man’s head snapped back, but Julian wasn’t through with him. Not by a long shot. He struck again, sending him stumbling back out of the doorway and into the play room.
“Stop it, Julian!” Leo growled, holding his bleeding nose. “You hit me one more time, and I’ll hit back.”
There was nothing Julian wanted more. He punched Leo straight in his gut and was satisfied when he fell back over the spanking bench.
“Feel free to hit back,” Julian said.
Leo was on his feet in a second. “Maybe I’ll see if Dani wants to come to Dallas with me. You don’t give a fuck, right? I’d love to get into her panties. So soft. She looks so fucking sweet. Tell me something, Julian. How’s she in the sack?”
That hurt far worse than a fist to the gut. Julian was determined not to let the asshole see how much that hurt. The thought of his Danielle in Leo’s arms knocked the breath out of him, yet he was a consummate actor. “She’ll be quite suitable after she’s properly trained.”
There was a soft cry behind him, and Julian caught Leo’s grimace just before he turned and saw Danielle, Finn, and Jackson standing on the stairs. Danielle’s face was stark white and already tears were leaking. Finn’s hand curled into hers. Finn would always be there, his hand open to her, offering comfort and support.
Julian’s hands felt so cold.
“I didn’t think I was that bad.” Danielle’s eyes bore through him.
“He’s being an ass, Dani. He’s scared shitless, and he’s running,” Leo said. “It’s not a reflection on you.” Leo pushed past him. “And yeah, I know I’m fired. Hell, I quit. If this job is years more of watching you shut everyone out, then I don’t want it. It’s gone past pathetic.”
Leo strode out of the room.
Jackson moved to allow the former SEAL to leave, then turned back to Julian. “I take it you’re leaving? Would you even have said good-bye? Put aside the fact that you’re walking out on the people you’ve been sleeping with. You were going to walk out without even finding out whether or not my stepdaughter
is alive.”
“I talked to you earlier.” It sounded like a pitiful excuse even to his ears.
Jackson was having none of it. “You know, I have always given you the benefit of the doubt. I know a little bit about your past, so I let you act like a cold, unfeeling bastard because I knew it was just armor to protect yourself. I know, man. I’ve been there. But there comes a time to take off the armor and take a fucking risk. You can’t live like this the rest of your life.”
He could. He was going to. He stared at Danielle and Finn. Danielle, for all her curves, looked delicate and fragile. Finn’s eyes had changed during the course of Jackson’s speech. They had gone from angry to something softer, something that looked much more like pity. Julian hated that look. He would have greatly preferred Finn smacked him. He would have taken it.
“Leo was right, baby,” Finn said quietly. “Don’t take it wrong. He’s in love, and he’s scared out of his mind. He’s not being a Dom right now. He’s just a man in the end.”
“No one asked your opinion, Finn.” Julian wondered why he wasn’t walking. He should simply walk out. His feet wouldn’t move. He felt planted to the floor.
Finn stepped away from Danielle. “I know, Sir. Look, I’m going to lay it on the line. I think I’m falling in love with you. I know Dani is. I think we could be something amazing. I think we could make it. I want you, and I want Dani. I want to live together, and if it works, I want to have a family. I think this is forever, but if it’s not for you, then we’ll move on. We’ll be like a person who loses a limb. We’ll always miss you, but we’ll learn to walk again. It won’t be the same, but we won’t let losing you ruin us. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Julian forced himself not to reach out and pull Finn in. The impulse was almost overwhelming, which was exactly the reason he should ignore it. He understood exactly what Finn was saying. Finn was saying that he, Julian, would be the only one to lose if he walked out. “It doesn’t matter, Finn. Believe what you want. This was a vacation fling for me. Nothing more.”
“You came for me.” Danielle stepped up. Her blonde hair had escaped the ponytail she wore, and it wisped around her face. She looked tired. She needed to be in bed, being coddled and loved back to life.
He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t love her. “I would have come for anyone. I’m quite the humanitarian.”
She shook her head. “No, you aren’t. You’re a bastard, but I love you anyway. Does that count for anything?”
He couldn’t let it count. “No, Danielle. I’m going to leave, and I won’t see you again.”
Now she would plead. She would cry, and it would hurt his heart, but he had to let her go.
“All right, then,” she said. There were tears in her eyes and a sadness that kicked him in the balls. “It wouldn’t have worked out anyway. I really, really hope you find someone. You just know that I’m out here, and I love you. If you need me, I’ll come.”
She backed away, though he felt her need. She wanted to put her arms around him. God, what was she thinking? She should be raging at him. She should shout and scream the place down. He’d used her, and now he was throwing her away. How could she say that she loved him?
“Why?”
She turned, startled by the question. “Why what?”
Julian knew he was being cruel, but he had to try to understand. “You keep offering. Everyone has refused, Danielle. You’ve told me your story. I’ve heard it from Finn and Jackson, too. Everyone in this town has rejected you in one way or another, yet you just offer yourself again. Are you stupid? Is there something wrong with that brain of yours that you just love the ache that comes with rejection?”
Finn started to respond, anger clearly taking the forefront again, but Danielle held her hand out.
She brushed her hair back. “Maybe I am dumb, Julian, but I won’t stop. I won’t stop trying to love people. I won’t cut my heart out and store it somewhere because life’s been crappy. If I do that, then all the people who stomped on me get to win. You taught me so much. You taught me that the world is a way bigger place than I ever thought it was. I want to know it, and I don’t just mean places and other people. I need to know me. If I spend the rest of my life closing myself off, I’ll never do that. As for loving you, well, it’s way more important to love than to be loved. Loving people makes us better, even when it’s not returned. So I’ll love you till the day I die, but I won’t stop living for you.”
Julian felt numb. Danielle was younger than him, with so little life experience, and yet she understood things he hadn’t begun to comprehend. Things he didn’t want to comprehend. They deserved better, he told himself. He wouldn’t change. He would simply put them under a contract, and after awhile they would just be slaves. He would never change.
Jackson shook his head as though disappointed. He put his hands on Danielle’s shoulders and looked down at her. He was in full-on Dom mode, and it raised Julian’s hackles.
“Dani, don’t worry about a thing. I’ll take care of you and Finn. I’ll make sure you get everything you need,” Jackson said.
Finn stepped up. “No, Sir. I appreciate that, truly I do, and I would love to be able to call you if we need something, but I’m responsible for her now, and she’s responsible for me. We’ll be fine. I’ve been reading up, and I think I can be what she needs. I can be a…what do they call it? A switch.”
Jackson stood back. “You’re wrong. A switch is just someone who likes to both top and bottom. What you’re talking about is something different. You’re talking about doing whatever it takes to love a woman. We call that a husband, Finn.”
Finn took Danielle into his arms, and she buried her head in his neck. Her chest heaved up and down.
Julian brushed past Jackson on his way down the stairs. He’d been frozen in place before, but now he couldn’t move fast enough. He ran down the stairs. He couldn’t breathe. The sight of Danielle and Finn clinging to each other made him ache in a way he’d never thought possible.
The door slammed behind him, and he dragged long breaths into his lungs, but it didn’t help.
Distance. He needed distance. Once he was back in his condo, he would find his balance again. He needed normalcy. He needed control.
He needed his car.
“Take my truck.” Jackson stood in the doorway. He tossed the keys to his big black truck at Julian’s chest. They hit him and then the dirt at his feet. “It’ll take hours to get your car back. When the police are done with it, I’ll have someone drive it to you, or hell, you’re not attached to anything. You can just buy a new one.”
There was a derisiveness to the younger man’s tone that normally would have set Julian off. Now all he could think was that he deserved it. He reached down to pick up the keys as Jackson walked into the house.
Julian stared after him. Jackson would walk in and soon he would be surrounded by his family. He would be enveloped in their warmth. Abigail and Samuel would open their arms to him. Jackson had once told him that Doms all too often forgot their subs owed them comfort, too.
How long had it been since arms had wound around him seeking nothing more than to comfort him? He’d treated his slaves as something to show off, something to prove his status. He’d never once lost himself in one’s arms.
Until Danielle.
God, some of the sex he’d had with her had been so vanilla. It hadn’t been sex at all. He’d made love to her. He’d taken her with no protection. He might have made a baby with her. It was unlikely, but he’d taken the chance.
If he let her go, she would move on. Her heart was strong, stronger than any he’d known. She would build a life with Finn, and Julian would be on the outside, forever staring in. They would have a family, raise children. Perhaps they would even find another Dom.
And Julian? He could see his life, too. He would go on as he always had. He would play the generous benefactor. He would give of his money, sometimes his body. He would let his heart rot because it was a useless, d
angerous thing. He would let those moments when he’d been abused and neglected rob him of everything that could have healed the hurt.
Rules. He had so many of them. Jackson always told him that his rules would keep him from something good someday. Julian’s rules stated plainly that it was time to walk away. He stared at the guesthouse where he was sure Finn was holding Danielle while she cried. Rules and contracts. That was what his life came down to.
Those rules were his safe word. He’d been screaming his fucking safe word for twenty years. Could he stop? He thought he couldn’t change, but hadn’t he changed already?
There was something wet on his cheek, sliding down toward his mouth. He brushed it off and then gazed at his own hand. Tears. He was fucking crying. More and more rolled down his skin. Another broken rule.
He’d begged. He’d pleaded. He was crying. All broken rules. He had two choices. He could get into that truck and drive home and pull all those rules around him like a protective sheath. Or he could walk back into that house and be with them. He could be as brave as his Danielle, as steadfast as his Finn. He could sink into them and let them be a balm to his wounds.
If something happened down the line, at least he would know he’d loved them. At least he would know that he’d lived.
He dropped the keys in the dirt, left his case behind and, tears blurring the world around him, walked back into the house.
Chapter Twenty
Finn’s lips were soft against her cheek. His arms hadn’t left her since that minute when Julian had walked out. Dani took a deep breath and relaxed against him, his strength and the warmth of his body a comfort to her. He sat on the bed, cradling her gently. She closed her eyes, but she could still see the horrors of the day.
Finn’s arms tightened as she shivered. “You still scared, baby? It’s okay. Nobody’s going to blame you. You just need to know that I won’t let anything happen to you. I swear, I’m going to watch you like a hawk from now on.”
She nodded because she was going to watch him, too. She would worry about Julian because he wouldn’t let her watch him. She wondered how far down the road Julian had gotten. How many miles separated them?
