The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays

by Charles Busch

  PROVOLONEY Hey guys, let’s invite Miss Barnes to the luau.

  BERDINE What luau?

  KANAKA The first full moon of the summer, we have a luau slash barbecue. It’s a night no one ever forgets.

  BERDINE (Sarcastically) Gee, thanks Chicklet for inviting me.

  CHICKLET I just heard about it.

  BERDINE Like hey I really believe that.

  CHICKLET It’s the truth.

  BERDINE The truth is that we’re not connecting at all anymore.

  CHICKLET What are you talking about?

  BERDINE Let me spell it out for you then. In the past few weeks, you never return my phone calls, you’ve cancelled out of the last five times we’re supposed to get together and today you stood me up at Augie’s malt shop. I don’t think you want to be best friends anymore.

  CHICKLET I’m sorry, I just . . .

  BERDINE (Holding back tears) Everyone said we were too close. I never thought this could happen. Not to us.

  BETTINA Please don’t argue on my account.

  CHICKLET Don’t cry. Look, let’s talk about this in private. How about meeting me at Augie’s tomorrow.

  BERDINE So you can stand me up again? No, thank you. Chicklet, my closing remarks to you are these. I hope you enjoy all your new hipster friends cause you just lost your best and oldest one. Miss Barnes, I’ve reconsidered and I’d love to be your secretary. When do I start?

  BETTINA Pronto. We’re going to have a great time. (Takes her arm) I’m going to let you in on all my innermost secrets. Let’s go back to my bungalow and have lunch. You do know how to make Crab Louis, don’t you?

  BERDINE I don’t think so.

  BETTINA No sweat. We’ll have peanut butter and jelly . . . (As an afterthought) on toast points.

  PROVOLONEY Think about the luau.

  KANAKA Think about me.

  BETTINA (Seductively) How could I forget you.

  YO YO (Extends his hand to Bettina to shake hands.) It’s been great meeting you.

  BETTINA (She turns to Yo Yo and takes his hand.) My, what great big hands you have.

  YO YO (Leering) You know what they say about big hands and big feet.

  BETTINA (Studying his hand intently) Yes, most interesting.

  CHICKLET Are you a palmist or something?

  BETTINA No, nothing like that. I just have these incredible instincts about people. I seem to know how they tick.

  YO YO So what do you see?

  BETTINA I bet you’re very good with hair.

  YO YO You mean running my fingers through it.

  BETTINA No, I mean setting it.

  YO YO (Upset at the suggestion he’s a fag.) Hey, wait just a minute . . .

  BETTINA (Very soothing and gentle) That’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a special gift. (The other guys snicker.) I’ve got a slew of wigs with me. Let’s go to my bungalow, lock the door and play beauty salon.

  PROVOLONEY (Acting sexy) Can I come too? I’d love to lock the door and play with you.

  BETTINA Hey, Berdine, as a great philosopher once said “the more the merrier.” Let’s go!

  YO YO Yeah, go, go, go. (Bettina exits followed by Yo Yo, Provoloney and Berdine. Kanaka pulls Chicklet back.)

  KANAKA Hey, Chicklet.

  CHICKLET Don’t you want to go to Bettina’s?

  KANAKA Nah, it’s kids stuff to be impressed with her. (Checks to see if they are alone.)

  CHICKLET Who are you looking for?

  KANAKA I want to make sure we’re alone. Uh, it’s Yo Yo’s birthday coming up and . . .

  CHICKLET I thought he said it was . . .

  KANAKA No, it’s real soon and I thought you could help me make him a present.

  CHICKLET Like what?

  KANAKA A kite. He’s flipped over kites. What do you think of that?

  CHICKLET A kite. That’s okay.

  KANAKA Kites. He becomes like a different person when he’s flying a kite.

  CHICKLET I never made one before but . . .

  KANAKA (To himself) What were we talking about? Do you see that fish jumping out of the water?

  CHICKLET No, where?

  KANAKA I’m crazy for fish, aren’t you?

  CHICKLET (Shrugs) Feh. Kanaka, are you all right?

  KANAKA (Giving up) No, I must be out of my mind. Forget it. Geez, I’m embarrassed. Is my face red? (When Chicklet hears red she laughs wildly and turns into Ann Bowman.)

  KANAKA (Elated) It was a red kite!

  CHICKLET (As Ann Bowman) It most certainly was, darling. As red as your ass when I finish spanking you.

  KANAKA Oh yes, Mistress Ann. I’ve been a bad boy. I need a spanking.

  CHICKLET I’ve got you under my spell. You would do anything I asked. (She turns into Tylene, a black checkout girl.) But if she asked me to work overtime at that Safeway, she be out of her mind.

  KANAKA Ann?

  CHICKLET Who you be calling Ann, my name is Tylene. Tylene Carmichael Carmel.

  KANAKA What?

  CHICKLET I be working at the checkout, it goin’ on four-thirty and I’m fixin’ to leave. My boyfriend, he’s taking me to see Chubby Checker.

  KANAKA Ann, come back, Ann, are you there?

  CHICKLET Would you let me finish? What I am saying is my supervisor, Miss Feeley, she asks me to work overtime. She thinks she so cool, she . . .

  KANAKA (Shakes her) Stop it. Bring Ann back!

  CHICKLET (Indicates a switchblade’s in her pocket) Back off, I cut you. I cut you. I got me a blade. I cut you.

  KANAKA (Terrfied) That’s cool. That’s cool.

  CHICKLET No way no white son of a bitch be grabbin at me. No way, no way . . . (Returns as Ann) No way you can escape my domination. The world has tried to suppress me, to deny my very existence but I have risen like a phoenix to claim my birthright.

  KANAKA What’s that?

  CHICKLET World domination. Ann Bowman, Dominatrix Empress of the planet Earth. Has a catchy ring, don’t you think?

  KANAKA Yes, Mistress Ann.

  CHICKLET I wonder if your little friends might make excellent slaves. We must catch them in butterfly nets and put them in cages. Once their spirit is broken, they shall learn to serve their Mistress Ann.

  KANAKA Cages. But won’t they suspect you’re up to no good?

  CHICKLET I am not only a first class general. I am also a brilliant actress. I will pose as dear little Chicklet and infiltrate the teen set.

  KANAKA Look, I think I’ve gotten in over my head. I can’t do something like this.

  CHICKLET (Grabs him) You deny me! No one denies me, darling. You need what only I can offer. Face it, you’re weak, you’re a pushover for me. You sing to the coppers and I’ll finger you as the fall guy. You made me lose my temper. It’s time for fun and games. Shall we proceed to your place? Kanaka, move it! (She throws her head back and laughs. They exit.)

  BLACKOUT

  SCENE 5

  The Beach. Provoloney and Yo Yo enter.

  YO YO I don’t know, Provoloney, it sounds too easy.

  PROVOLONEY I tell you, the ideas that make millions are deceptively simple. Bettina Barnes is on the lookout for a movie that will win her an Oscar. We’ve got to find it for her.

  YO YO But that means writing and I’m not so good with sentences.

  PROVOLONEY In Hollywood, only flunkies do any writing. The smart guys write treatments. The studio pays big money just for ideas. We come up with a great notion for a flick and we can rake in the moola without putting in a comma.

  YO YO You have any ideas?

  PROVOLONEY My brain’s bursting with them. Westerns, sci-fi, musicals.

  YO YO Well, I think . . .

  PROVOLONEY Quiet on the set. I need inspiration. I need a concept.

  YO YO I think Bettina should play the richest woman in the world.

  PROVOLONEY (His eyes closed) Yeah, my mind’s working now. Go on.

  YO YO Her old man wants her to marry this prince but he’s kind of a drip so she ankles out of P
hily and heads westward to Malibu.

  PROVOLONEY It’s all coming to me. I’m cookin’. Go on.

  YO YO She’s got so much cash that she buys the whole beach. There’s this real hot surf bum who lives there and he don’t like the idea of being evicted. They decide to smoke the peace pipe and the stud offers to teach her to scuba dive.

  PROVOLONEY This is great. I can see the whole thing. A billboard fifty feet high. Bettina Barnes in a wet suit.

  YO YO I see this real big scene when they first dive underwater. (Yo Yo mimes going underwater.)

  PROVOLONEY (He dives too.) They swim past picturesque coral reefs and dolphins.

  YO YO And they bump into each other. (They mime all the next activity.)

  PROVOLONEY And they get their feet caught in some seaweed . . . and their bodies are locked into each other.

  YO YO They can’t get out?

  PROVOLONEY (Transfixed) Uh uh. Their eyes meet. Every night he’s dreamt of her long flowing hair, her ivory skin, her biceps.

  YO YO She feels powerless to resist his raw brute strength. Is this where they kiss for the first time?

  PROVOLONEY They’ve always wanted to but they were too scared.

  YO YO I guess underwater it doesn’t matter much.

  PROVOLONEY I guess not.

  They slowly kiss. Cannons go off. Bells ring. The 1812 Overture is played. They break apart.

  PROVOLONEY (Scared) Uh, Yo Yo, I better write this down before I forget it.

  YO YO (Thrilled) I won’t forget it.

  PROVOLONEY (Embarrassed and remorseful) I met this lady who works in the library. She said she’d teach me how to use her typewriter.

  YO YO That’s good.

  PROVOLONEY Yeah. Maybe afterwards, I’ll . . . I’ll ball her. (Provoloney exits.)

  BLACKOUT

  SCENE 6

  The beach beyond Bettina’s house. Berdine is writing in her diary.

  BERDINE Dear Diary. Gear up for another helping of Berdine’s flaming self pity. I miss Chicklet so much. Ever since she got that darn surf board, nothing’s been the same. I wish I’d never given her that money. A girl’s best friend is something very special. And Chicklet’s more than just my best friend. It’s like we’re one person. I know that sounds kooky but it’s true. Oh, life is but a meaningless charade, death the ultimate absurdity. I am living proof of Sartre’s existential concept of nausea. Gosh, I wish I had a Tums. Of course, I’ve been very busy working for Miss Barnes. She’s a nice lady but very complicated.

  Bettina enters stretching.

  BERDINE Good morning, Miss B!

  BETTINA What a splendiforous morning. I can’t tell you how grand it feels to be away from that salacious Hollywood rat race. I was so tense. You can’t imagine the hubbub in my lower lumbar region.

  BERDINE Well, this week has done wonders for you. You look like a completely different person.

  BETTINA (Suspicious and paranoid) Who? What’s her measurements?

  BERDINE No, what I meant was . . . oh . . . (Sees telegram in her hand) Oh! Miss Barnes, that telegram arrived that you were waiting for.

  BETTINA (Excited) Oh wow, I’m scared to open it. It’s from the studio. I’ve asked them to release me from my contract. (Opens it) I’m too scared to read it. It’s awful being this vulnerable. (To Berdine) You read it to me.

  BERDINE (Reading) Dear Bettina, up yours, stop, with turpentine, stop. New picture “Sex Kittens Go Bossa Nova” starts lensing September first. Be there or expect legal action. Stop. Love Sid Rosen. (Stops reading) Oh Bettina, I’m so sorry. You poor little thing.

  BETTINA (Tough as nails and in a low rough voice) That cheap son of a bitch can’t do this to me. He slaps me with a subpoena and I’ll have his balls on a plate.

  BERDINE (Shocked) Bettina.

  BETTINA (Pacing furious) After all the money I made for those bastards. They can’t do this to me. I’m Bettina Barnes. I’m no flash in the pan that’ll take any piece of crap. I’m playing hard ball, baby.

  BERDINE Have you read the script? Maybe it’s not bad.

  BETTINA Not bad! Lassie could fart out a better script.

  Yo Yo and Provoloney enter. Provoloney is tricked up in his notion of a hollywood movie mogul.

  PROVOLONEY Hey there; Miss Barnes, I hear you got some work you’d like us to do.

  BETTINA (Soft and vulnerable) Oh, yeah, something. I needed something done. I’m so forgetful. (Remembers) Oh, yes. Last night I was sleepwalking and I suddenly woke up and discovered this adorable little garden in my back yard. During the last storm, all the little trees and shrubbery must have broken and it’s a dreadful mess. Could you clear it up for me? And then we can have swell parties. I make delicious jalapeno pancakes.

  YO YO Sure thing. We’ll clean it up.

  PROVOLONEY (Nervously) Excuse me Miss Barnes, do you think I could talk to you for a moment?

  BETTINA But of course.

  PROVOLONEY (With an air of bravado) I never told you this before but this surf bum business is just a facade, I’m really a screenwriter.

  BERDINE You’re what?

  YO YO He’s a screenwriter.

  PROVOLONEY Written tons of stuff, TV, radio. I’ve got a development deal going for me at Columbia. Meeting you yesterday gave me the inspiration for a new picture. A big picture, cinemascope, 3-D, smell-o-vision.

  BETTINA (Touched) Really, I inspired you?

  PROVOLONEY You certainly did. It’s just a treatment, really, an idea.

  YO YO But it’s a great one.

  BETTINA I love a man with a big idea.

  PROVOLONEY Columbia’s been putting the screws on me to make it with Kim.

  BETTINA (Very impressed) You know Kim Novak?

  PROVOLONEY Great gal but dead eyes, blank, an empty screen. This idea . . .

  BETTINA Oh, tell me all about it.

  PROVOLONEY The setting: Malibu Beach. I see you as the daughter of a shipping tycoon. You . . .

  BERDINE . . . leave finishing school and meet a handsome surf bum who teaches you how to scuba dive. “The Girl From Rock n’ Roll Beach,” Starring Mamie Van Doren, Allied Artists, 1960, Albert Zugsmith, Producer.

  PROVOLONEY Yeah, well, it’s a lot like that, only better. You can have the whole megillah for two thousand dollars.

  BETTINA Two thousand dollars. It sounds most intriguing but I think for my first independent feature, I should play a typical girl of today, someone who the audience can identify with and yet a girl with a personal problem, like psoriasis. However, maybe we can develop this further.

  PROVOLONEY Bettina baby, I don’t want to pressure you but . . .

  BETTINA (Looks offstage) Oh, look, there’s your little friend, Chicklet. I don’t know, there’s something kind of funny about her.

  Chicklet enters with a wild red feather boa, and smoking out of a long cigarette holder.

  CHICKLET (In Ann Bowman’s voice) Berdine darling! It’s been eons since we last met.

  BERDINE (Shocked) Chicklet?

  CHICKLET Miss Barnes, a delight as always. (To the boys) Hello, boys. (They all say “Hi” in a dazed manner.) I do hope these boys have been showing you a good time. They taught me how to surf and now I’m positively addicted to shooting the curl, as they say.

  BETTINA They’re helping me fix up my backyard.

  CHICKLET How utterly fab. Boys, I have a little job for you.

  YO YO Chicklet, are you feeling all right?

  CHICKLET Just swellsville. I’d like to have a cage built.

  PROVOLONEY A bird cage?

  CHICKLET No, something suitable for a bigger animal, or animals.

  BERDINE Chicklet, what are you talking about?

  CHICKLET (Becomes herself) Berdine. Where am I? (Sees the boa and cigarette holder) What’s all this?

  BERDINE You tell me.

  CHICKLET (At a loss) Ohhh, I found it in the garbage outside the Club Transvestite. (She laughs hysterically but no one else does.) Eek.

  PROVOLONEY You wanted us to b
uild you a cage.

  CHICKLET A cage? Don’t be a doofus . . . Anyways, now that I am here . . . Berdine, I feel awful for the way I’ve been treating you. I don’t know what could possess me being so rude like that. You should just belt me. Go on and belt me.

  BERDINE I couldn’t.

  CHICKLET Really. You’re like my . . . How do I . . .

  BERDINE I know. You are too.

  CHICKLET But more than that. We’ve always . . .

  BERDINE That’s true. But still sometimes . . .

  CHICKLET Oh, but we . . .

  BERDINE Yeah, but I wouldn’t want . . .

  CHICKLET You don’t really want . . .

  BERDINE I just don’t . . .

  CHICKLET Trust me. C’mon. Please Berdine, please go on being my best friend for a zillion more years. What do you say?

  BERDINE For a zillion trillion more years. To infinity. (They hug.)

  CHICKLET Will you be my escort to the luau?

  BERDINE You don’t think I’m too much of a nerd-brain?

  CHICKLET Of course not.

  PROVOLONEY What are you two going to do for the talent show?

  CHICKLET What talent show?

  YO YO That’s part of the tradition. Everyone’s gotta getup and do an act. I’m doing my Jane Russell imitation. (Pulls his shirt out like bosoms) Boom titty boom.

  BERDINE I know. Remember that act we did for the Kiwanis Club Variety Night? The costume is in my attic.

  CHICKLET You got yourself a partner. (They shake)

  BETTINA I’m glad you patched things up. I’m so in awe of friendship. I mean, never having any. We better get started on the garden before it gets dark. Come on, kids. (All the kids including Chicklet and Berdine exit laughing and singing.)

  Star Cat and Marvel Ann stroll on

  MARVEL ANN Star Cat, you mean little devil, I was up all night thinking about you.

  STAR CAT (Excited) You were?

  MARVEL ANN Uh huh. Couldn’t sleep a wink. You wanna know what I was thinking?

  STAR CAT Empty that beautiful head of yours.

  MARVEL ANN I was thinking that you and I are going to be united as one forever.

  STAR CAT (Nervously) Gee, Marvel Ann, are you sure I’m good enough for you? I wouldn’t want you to settle.

  MARVEL ANN Settle? You’re the dreamboat of all time, generous, always thinking of others, sensitive.

  STAR CAT Aw, I’m just a good for nothing surf bum.